A Total Eclipse Of the Heart
by Lara Cox
Summary: Jack and Renee meet again a year after their one day together. She is very damaged. He's cursed. But their strong feelings soon take them somewhere truly unexpected and scary for both of them. Part 1 of the "Everything went downhill from there" series.
1. A captain' daughter never cries

**IMPORTANT consideration: **I'll use the following time line:

**Day One:** March 2, 2004 (Primary Day of the 2004 election, Super Tuesday)  
**Day Two :** September/October 2005  
**Day Three:** September/October 2008  
**Day Four:** March/April 2010  
**Day five:** September/October 2011  
**Day Six:** April 2013  
**Redemption:** January 20 2017 (President Taylor's inauguration)

**Day Seven:** March 25 and 26 2017 (It was stated that it takes roughly 65 days after President Taylor's inauguration)  
**Day Eight:** May 20 and 21 2018 (this was stated by Fox)

In this story, Renee was born in 1980, making her 38 in May 20, 2018. I know she's supposed to be 36, but that didn't fit with the back story I had created for her.

**Spoilers: up to and including season 8**.

_**Disclaimer:**_I don't own 24. It belongs to fox, Joel Surnow and Robert Cochran and Howard Gordon.

**SERIES: Everything went downhill from there **

**PART ONE: A total eclipse of the heart**

**Summary: **Jack and Renee meet again a year after their one day together. She is damaged. He's cursed. But their strong feelings very soon take them somewhere unexpected and scary for both of them. Takes place between day 7 and 8 (Spoilers: up to and including season 8.)

**For the people following the story since the beginning:** This will be the first half of my original story, except that I will take the opportunity to edit the chapters. Some dialogues will probably be added and other could get changed.

**CHAPTER 1: THE INTRODUCTION**

**A**** CAPTAIN'S DAUGTER NEVER CRIES**

**Bethesda, Maryland – Walker Manor**

**Year 1985 – July 4th**

The little girl with strawberry red hair, two neatly done braids and a pink bath suit was getting tired of playing in her swing as she waited for her daddy. She wanted to get into the pool. It was such an extremely hot day and the pool was fun, and it was right there in her back yard. Her daddy had promised to take her to the pool once he finished talking with mommy. Daddy was supposed to be teaching her how to swim. They had already practiced several times. But the little girl was not allowed to swim without an adult. She knew that very well. She wasn't allowed to just jump into the pool. She had to enter the pool only with her daddy holding her as if she were a baby.

She hated that only because she was five years old there was an immense list of things she couldn't do. And what was forbidden always happened to be what she longed to do the most. She was so tired of waiting for her daddy. She wanted to get into the pool right at that second. The water looked so nice. And her parents weren't looking at her anyway. So she ran fast and jumped into the 4-metters deep pool, landing on the water with her two feet first. She felt as if she were being pulled down until her feet hit the bottom. She hadn't expected that. But she started moving her arms and legs fast like her daddy had taught her. As soon as she reached the surface she could hear her mother screaming horrified as her daddy jumped into the pool quickly and held her tight.

"Renee, what did you do? You scared the hell out of me and mommy" her daddy scolded her. And for the first time the child saw that powerful and strong man in near panic.

"But I wasn't scared, daddy. I really wasn't scared" she said proudly. And her dad softened.

"I know, my princess, you are fearless. My little girl is fearless"

**January 1991**

**Bethesda, Maryland**

Her coach had assured Renee was up to the challenge. The teen walked towards the edge of the platform. The pool was seven meters below her. She was feeling a bit anxious since it was the first time she ever competed jumping from that height. But the twelve year old had been training really hard for this competition. She desperately wanted to do great. Nothing but perfection was good enough for her. What if she failed? Everybody was watching her, including her dad. He was the person she would most hate to let down. But Captain John Walker was smiling proudly. Renee exchanged one look with her father and suddenly all her fears were gone.

She stepped back to take momentum and then jumped with all her strengths. She made one full rotation in the air, and dived into the pool flawlessly. When she came out the water the first thing she did was looking for her dad. He was clapping his hands prouder than Renee had ever seen him. She smiled. That was all she needed.

That night Captain Walker took his wife and daughter to a special restaurant for a celebratory dinner. It was a celebration for the great daughter he had, who had won the first place. His wife, Abby O'Carroll Walker, had been terrified thinking it was too dangerous to jump into a pool from seven meters high. But John had raised their daughter to be tough and he was very proud of her. He congratulated the teen for the tenth time. "That was amazing, princess. You were fearless up there"

"Thanks, daddy" To Renee those words meant the world coming from her dad, her hero.

Then husband and wife exchanged a look, knowing it was time for a more difficult conversation. The Captain asked his child "Renee, do you know what's happening in the Persian Gulf?"

The pre teen had always been smart, even managing to skip third grade. She was an avid reader of any kind of books and newspapers. She told her father what she knew, "Well, a small country called Kuwait has been invaded by the President of Iraq, Saddam Hussein"

"That's right. And now, our President wants to send our troops, so we can make the Iraqis leave Kuwait. So, as a captain of the US air force, I'm obligated to go there and fight"

"Are you saying that you are going to a war?" Renee asked trying to pretend she wasn't terrified.

"Yes, I have to. You know it's my duty to defend our country from our enemies"

"But who cares about Kuwait?" Renee protested sounding almost like a child now.

"Look, there is so much more at stake than Kuwait. This is about defending our ideals. It's about achieving peace and freedom. And it's about making the law triumph over a crazy dictator who has done horrible things. Don't you believe that evil must be stopped?"

Abby disagreed completely with that over-simplistic way her husband had to explain things. But she knew there was no point in her giving her input during any political discussion. People always said that Renee was a younger version of her mother because they both had Irish red-head, little freckles and light blue-greenish eyes. But Abby knew her daughter had always been a daddy's girl. Renee had always belonged to John.

"But you could get killed" Renee said to her dad with her voice breaking, but trying to hold back her tears.

"Hey, princess. Everything will be fine. Don't be scared while I'm away, okay?"

"Okay, I promise I won't be scared" she said trying to put a good face.

"Just be the fearless young woman you can be, and remember what do I always tell you?"

Renee remembered perfectly and she chorused along with her dad: "A Captain's daughter never cries"

**SEPTEMBER 11 – YEAR 2001**

**Manhattan – West Village**

**05: 12 AM **

Renee woke up, looked at the time and groaned. It was so early. She tried to go back to sleep, but soon realized it was a lost cause. She was too anxious to sleep. So she got up from bed and went to the kitchen to make herself more coffee. She compulsively ate a chocolate cupcake brought from the Magnolia Bakery downtown. Then it hit her that she would definitely have to learn how to cook now. There would be no way around it. She stared with a smile at her gorgeous engagement ring, actually looking forward to the role she was about to play.

She had graduated from high school at the age of 17 and then gone to Princeton University. By the time she was 20, she had successfully completed the certificate program with a double major in "American Studies" and "Russian and Eurasian studies". Now she was a 21 year old student in Columbia Business School, going for a MBA (Master of Business Administration) and a MIA (Master of International Affairs). She had spent a lifetime devoted to nothing but books, swimming and going to church. She had never cared about romance until the day James Barrington walked into her life. He was her ideal type of guy: older than she was, sweet, charming, smart, and blonde with blue eyes. So when he asked her out on a date she had accepted in a New York minute. Now, two years later, she was engaged and living with him.

After eating a second muffing, she went to the living room. A bunch of carton boxes were still lying around. She had moved in with James only a few days ago and still had to finish unpacking. She opened one of her boxes and began organizing some of her many books. Her most precious book was an old copy of "The Art of War" her dad had given her when she was 12, right before leaving to fight and die as a hero in the Gulf War. Luckily, James had installed a second bookshelf in their study just for her. All her books could fit in there.

"Looks like someone is having an early day"

Renee smiled at the familiar voice and turned around. James was by the doorway looking adorably at her. "Just organizing the books" she explained casually.

"Good luck with that, darling. It looks like we'll be living at the public library after all"

"looks like I need my fiancée's help"

"Gladly, soon to be Mrs. Barrington" James said before kissing her sweetly. As James helped his fiancée with her books, he couldn't help to feel a little surprised by some of the material, he asked in an awe "Who owns six Ronald Reagan biographies?"

"Your future wife, my love" Renee replied nonchalantly. Then she placed on the bookshelf books such as: "The Rise and Fall of the Soviet Empire", "Making the World Safe for Democracy", "Presidents' Secret Wars: CIA and Pentagon Covert Operations Since World War II" and "Battleground Berlin: CIA vs. KGB in the Cold War".

"Honestly, darling, if it wasn't for you, I would have never known how fascinating the Cold War was" James said teasingly. He liked to playfully mock Renee's fascination with Russia, even thought he did it lightheartedly.

"Hey, I won't be judged by a guy who reads books about Wall Street for fun" she mocked back pointing with her finger at the endless collection of books James had about the stock market and speculative finances.

"Do you know what else I like to do for fun?" he said as he pulled her closer and kissed her passionately. She kissed him back and then they headed to the bathroom as they took their clothes off. Their favorite place in their apartment to make love, for some reason, was inside the shower.

Renee adored those rare occasions in which their both could take time to simply be with each other. James was a native New Yorker who at the age of 34 had become a successful stockbroker. And Renee was a young college student. So the couple couldn't simply relax and connect with each other very often. But whenever they could, it was something truly amazing.

After sharing their especial moment of intimacy, they both in fact had to get ready to start their days.

**06.30 AM**

James emerged into the kitchen looking gorgeous in a dark blue suit and his light blonde hair perfectly combed. After a little while of silence she asked him, "So, aren't you gonna wish me good luck?"

"Good luck for what?" he asked feigning confusion.

"Jimmy! You forgot? Today it's the interview!" She turned around as to show him the fact that she was wearing what she liked to call 'a power-suit', which basically meant a suit that made her look professional, smart and grown up. In this case, it consisted in a navy blue blazer, with a matching skirt and a white shirt. This interview represented such a big opportunity for her. She had applied for an internship in Morgan Stanley. It was a big start for her career. She was hurt that James didn't remember something as meaningful for her.

Except he totally did. "Oh, today is that interview of yours? That must be why I have this in my pocket" he said handing her a little box from Tiffany's.

She opened the box and as soon as she saw the gift she threw her arms around him in a tight embrace and began showering James with kisses all over his face. "It's so beautiful! I love it! Thank you, my love"

Then she pulled away from her fiancée to take a better look at the present: a beautiful rosary made purely of sterling silver. James was such as devoted Catholic as she was. They always went together to Saint Patrick Cathedral for Sunday morning mass.

"You are welcome, my darling. It's just a little something to remind you God loves you and has blessed us both"

"Thank you. Although I'm not nervous about the interview" she said trying to hide any sign of weakness.

"Ok, because you shouldn't be. You are brilliant and I love you so much"

"I love you too". She kissed him with passion one last time before he had to leave for his work.

**08.46.30 AM**

It was such a beautiful autumn morning, with the leaves just starting to change their color and not a single cloud could be seen in the blue ski. So Renee had decided to walk from their apartment in Bedford and Carmine Street to the Morgan Stanley headquarters in Broadway and 48th street. It would be a very long walk, but she had plenty of time anyway. She had made it to Washington Square when she was suddenly surprised by the sound of a loud crash and an explosion. She turned around startled and as she looked up saw tick and black smoke coming out the north tower.

She froze for a moment not giving credit to her eyes. James worked at the 84th floor of the south tower. Instinctively, she began running fast downtown towards the disaster area. As she got closer, she could see ambulances, firefighters, and patrols from the NYPD arriving quickly to the place. The rescue teams hurried to evacuate the buildings as the police tried to control the crowd that had gathered around the World Trade Center, staring in disbelief. A several blocks perimeter was quickly being set around the towers.

"What happened?"

"Must have been an accident" said someone simply because it was the only explanation one could think of.

Renee could hear in a daze people talking to each other; they all felt so perplexed not being able to figure out how such accident had taken place. All she wanted was to see James, so she kept running towards the South Tower.

**09.02.59 AM**

Another plane. Another crash. Another explosion. Renee suddenly stopped dryly and looked up again.

_This isn't happening. This isn't happening. It can't be real…. _DENIAL.

She stood there helplessly paralyzed in horror. She was merely a block away from the South Tower, which was now burning above her. The scene became more and more blurred. She could hear someone yelling her to run away. She saw some people who had managed to leave both towers in time running desperately uptown. Not James. But somebody kept yelling at her to run. However, she was absolutely paralyzed. She couldn't run away without James. She was prepared to run into the tower and search for him. But suddenly, she heard a little girl crying desperately for her mommy. The kid had to be around three, and was all alone standing in the chaos seeming so scared. Renee instinctively picked her up and carried her while running at least seven blocks away from the disaster area, trying to get the kid to safety. She stopped when she ran out of breath.

"Mommy… there" was all the kid could say with uncontrollable sobs as she pointed at the burning towers.

Renee held her protectively. "We'll find her. But we should stay here"

About twenty five minutes later, a woman ran towards them. "Sandy! Are you ok?"

"Mommy!" the kid exclaimed. And Renee handed her to her mother who had her face covered in tears.

"It's so crazy there! I can't believe it!" The woman worked at the twentieth floor of the south tower. Her kid was supposed to be with her only until Sandy's aunt could pick her up. "After the explosion, I tried to get us both out, but I fell to the ground trying to run fast. Suddenly, she wasn't there anymore" the woman explained as she cried uncontrollably holding her baby tightly.

Renee didn't truly know what to say. They were total strangers but suddenly had so much in common: they were both terrified and in complete shock.

**09:59 AM**

Renee kept looking to the burning buildings hoping James would run to her arms at any second. Since she didn't know what else to do she held tight the silver rosary she still had with her and prayed with her entire soul. _Please, get him out. Get him out. God, if you get him out I'll do anything you want. Please, get him out, Lord. I promise I'll become the best wife and Christian in the entire world._ BARGAINING.

Suddenly the South Tower collapsed right in front of her eyes.

**07:23 pm - Renee's apartment**

"_We are under attack"… "Nothing you can do now"… "You have to go home"… "The country is under attack"… "Just go home, you can't do anything"… "Madam, let us do our jobs" "just go home, nothing you can do here"_

Renee couldn't remember how many times she had heard those words before she finally gave up and went home. Police officers, paramedics, doctors and firefighters. They were heroes doing so much good. Instead, she was nothing. With no training, and being in a truly desperate mental state she had become nothing but an annoyance. She had never felt more useless and worthless in her entire life.

She walked in her apartment feeling numb. She hadn't even been able to shed any tears. On a chair, she saw his t-shirt with the Knicks logo. It had always been his favorite for sleeping or exercising. He had been such a fan of the New York Knicks. She realized she had to call James's parents in Florida. They were probably going crazy trying to contact him. In fact Mrs. Barrington picked up the phone after only one ring, "Jimmy! God, Jimmy! Are you ok?"

"It's me, Mrs. Barrington, Renee. I'm sorry…"

On the other side of the line the woman began crying hysterically realizing what it probably meant that her son hadn't called himself. Mr. Barrington trying to be strong for his wife picked up the phone. "Renee, is that you? We been trying to call all day, but the fucking lines wouldn't work. Are you ok?"

That had been the most repeated question of the day. People all around the country trying to call their loved ones in peril had asked it. All around the city people had asked that question to each other. Are you ok? Are your people ok? When Renee thought about those questions she couldn't help to wonder… _God, would someone ever be ok?_

"I'm fine, Mr. Barrington"

"What do you know of our Jimmy?"

"He is… I'm sorry. He's missing."

And endless moment of unbearable silence passed, until Mr. Barrington began to ramble desperately in denial, "They'll find him. I bet. They are taking people out alive as we speak. He's going to turn out alive. Do you hear me? He has to. Now… now I have to hang up… They'll call you to tell you in which hospital he is. And if the line is busy… I just... I have to go now"

Then he hung up, understandably too distressed to keep talking.

Renee wished with all her heart she could believe what Mr. Barrington had said. But she couldn't. She had seen people jumping in desperation from the upper floors of both towers. She had seen all the suffocating smoke. She had seen the towers collapsing suddenly and strangely in one free fall. How could a person who at that very moment had been in one of the highest floors survive that?

She could still smell the disgusting smoke. The strong smell was impregnated in her clothes. She felt a sudden wave of nauseas and ran to the toilet. But since her last meal had been breakfast there was no content in her stomach for her to vomit. She ripped off her clothes, threw them on the bathroom floor and stared at them with a look full of mixture of sadness and loathe. The navy blue skirt he had once said made her legs look sexier. Now she knew she would never be able to wear it for him again, she suddenly hated it. Just like the feminine low cut tight shirt he had once said made it impossible for him not to stare at her breast. And her blazer, also in navy blue which was a color he had always said matched her eyes perfectly. In a rage, she also took off her high heel shoes she had always wore only to match his high and threw them fiercely across the bathroom doorway, making them land in living room floor. ANGER.

She got in the shower as if her own life depended on it. Water always made her feel safe. Only hours away she had been right there in his arms. They both had been happy looking forward to their future together. Then he had gone to work on a beautiful Tuesday morning. But then a plane had appeared out of the blue ski, crashed against his office window and, just like that, Jimmy would never see another morning.

Renee couldn't even try to be strong anymore. She collapsed in her bathtub crying a river. She was crying for James and the wedding that would never be. She also cried for all the people on those planes and in those towers. She cried for Jimmy's beloved city, a city she had grown to love so much and now had its heart ripped out of it. But she also cried for how unbelievably useless she felt.

**YEAR 2012 - February **

**Washington DC – FBI Headquarters**

FBI director Larry Moss had met Renee Walker around three years earlier, in 2009, when he was promoted and transferred from Seattle to DC. When he first shook hands with Agent Walker his first thought was that her red hair was spectacular, and that she looked good in a professional business pant suit. A little bit masculine for her delicate and feminine features. But she totally rocked that boyish look, something so unusual in a female agent. He liked her instantly. However, he and Renee had never gone any further than being good friends. After all, he was a married man incapable of cheating on his wife, no matter how bad his marriage had gotten recently.

But he had always felt a great deal of respect for Renee and considered her a good friend. He still remembered clearly in his mind their very first conversation back then.

"_Please, close the door, have a seat" He said as he set up the electric coffee maker he had in his office. "So, Agent Walker, if I recall correctly, you joined the FBI in 2003 and completed the program in record time, first of your class, specializing in foreign languages, right? You also have a MBA from Columbia University, and a Master in International Affairs, in addition to your double major from Princeton" he said with admiration in his voice._

"_Your memory is flawless, Director Moss. What I fail to understand is why you wish to talk about things you can easily read from my file."_

"_Well, Agent Walker, Don't you enjoy talking to people?" he asked casually as he offered her some coffee. She nodded accepting a cup. The first thing she noticed about Larry is that he was very nice and sweet, almost naïve. _

"_Why don't you tell me why you decided to join the FBI?"_

"_I wanted to serve my country" She replied solemnly in a heartbeat._

"_Don't we all?" he asked rhetorically "but why the FBI? All citizens serve their country in a way by doing their jobs honestly, don't you think?"_

"_Yeah. But I wanted a position in which I could prevent our country's enemies from hurting us again."_

Back then, Larry had been impressed by the fact that she seemed not intimidated at all by him, her new boss. But he had also sensed in her something that worried him: she wanted so badly to be a hero that she was a bit reckless when it came to her own life. His thoughts were abruptly interrupted when Renee herself wandered in his office.

"Hey, Larry, you wanted to see me?"

"Yeah. Look, I wanted to talk to you about an undercover mission you have been highly recommended for. I take it you have already read about Vladimir Laitanan"

"He's the leader of a Russian mob operating in Brighton Beach, New York. Apparently, he's involved in transnational money laundering, drug trafficking, weapon smuggling, and murder. My only question, Larry, is why isn't this guy serving a life sentence in a federal prison?"

"Well, the FBI agents in New York are having a hard time getting enough evidence to do that"

"I'm not surprised. Those Russians are one extremely paranoid and close group. Getting someone truly inside might take years"

"You have always been quite an expert in Russian intelligence, right?"

"Not really. Sure, I've been in Moscow a couple of times for study purposes. It's fascinating. But I have only learnt the theory. As I said, nobody can get truly inside a Russian mob unless they spend a lot of time working with them and earning their trust first"

"And apparently, that's where you come in, Renee"

"Excuse me?"

"There's an undercover agent in NYC, Leon Craig. He seems to think Laitanan is prone to trust someone like you"

"Oh, they figured out that the best man for this job is actually a woman? And it took them this long? Come on, Larry, all men cave in when they find a lady attractive, Russian or American. It's a human nature thing. And it's been true since charming Mata Hari"

First Larry couldn't help to crack a smile, he himself found Renee charming. But then his expression became somber, "Renee, let me state clearly, nobody is asking you to be Mata Hari. Nothing of the sort"

"I know! I would be insulted and outraged if someone even hinted otherwise. But the point is that I can get Vladimir's trust. I can get the necessary information to send this guy where he belongs"

"If you think you can get the information and keep the Russian on a short leash…. I'll let to you go on this mission. But as your friend, my advice would be that you don't take this job"

"I can take care of myself, Larry"

"I know you can, but..."

"Good, then I'll start preparing this thing" she said interrupting him and heading to the door. But Larry stopped her by taking her arm and forcing to look at him.

"Listen to me carefully, Renee. The second, and I mean it, the very second things get out of hands you call and we pull you out, understood? I don't want martyrs on my team. Did I make myself clear?"

"Crystal clear. Now if you excuse me, I have work to do."

**Year 2013, August **

**Manhattan - Beth Israel Medical Center**

Dr. Amy Whitman looked at the woman lying in the hospital bed. It was heartbreaking. As a doctor she watched human suffering day after day, but that didn't mean she had stopped caring. "I'm truly sorry Agent Walker; I don't know what else to say"

Renee was looking down trying fiercely to fight the tears. She wouldn't cry. She couldn't cry. She shook her heard on denial. "Don't say anything, just… just don't say anything…" she took a few deep breaths as she tried to calm herself down. It was useless. She unleashed all her fury by pushing the nightstand right next to her, knocking it down to the floor as she yelled at the top of her lungs "damn it!"

The doctor startled, taken a bit by surprise. But as a woman she understood perfectly. She would have probably reacted the same way if such a horrible thing had happened to her. "Again, I'm sorry, Agent Walker. If you need professional help to cope with this…"

But Renee automatically dismissed the idea. Therapy was the last thing she wanted. Now she only had one concern in mind. "Does the FBI know what you just told me?"

"Your medical records are personal. As my patient, I have to respect your privacy. But unfortunately I have to report that there was evidence of…"

"Please, don't" Renee's plead was very firm, interrupting the doctor sharply. She didn't want to hear _that_ word.

"I can't conceal evidence of a crime, Agent Walker. That would be obstruction of justice"

"My body is not evidence! Please, I don't want people knowing what I let him do to me. It won't make a difference for the case anyway. And I personally won't press any charges"

Dr. Whitman had seen many abused women who refused to tell their story because they were scared or too blindly in love with the abuser. But this clearly wasn't the case. Renee seemed simply too ashamed of herself. "It's not your fault. You did nothing wrong".

But Renee had suffered the ultimate humiliation in Vladimir's hands. And on top of all, she had now received the most horrible news since James's death. It had all been her fault. She had let things go too far and was now being punished in the most awful possible way. "Please, doctor… I'm begging you. From one woman to another, let me keep this private. Even without people knowing it's terrible enough that …" then she broke down in tears. She had tried hard not to cry, but it was impossible. The pain she felt inside was too strong.

Not knowing what to do, the doctor simply allowed her to unleash the angst. It became impossible for Amy to go against her patient's wishes. She felt so bad for her. Once Renee calmed down a little, the doctor suggested gently "What if you settle this with the agent in charge of the operation first? He's right here, waiting to see you. We can work something out"

"Leo is here?" Renee asked nervously, but glad that she was gonna see a friendly face. She took a towel that was on the nightstand and tried to erase traces of having cried. "Please, send him in"

A few minutes later, Agent Leon Craig walked in with a bouquet of light pink tulips on his hands. First, he looked at Renee and felt like an anvil falling heavily over his head. He stayed by the doorway not daring to walk in. It was his fault that she was there, with broken ribs and a busted cheekbone. Not to mention the other atrocities she had suffered. How could he let that happen to her? He approached her tentatively. "Hey"

"Hey" she replied, not showing much emotion.

A bit awkwardly, he gave her the flowers. "You… you never told me what kind of flowers you like… I thought…"

Renee managed to curb her lips in a small smile. "Thank you, I like tulips… oh, and there is a card" She opened it. "Let's see, it says… '_To Renee, from Leo_'"

"Yeah… and I truly meant that", he said mocking his own lack of sentimentalism. But then he looked down sadly. He summoned the courage to say what was in his heart. "It's that they don't make cards that say… I'm sorry I made you work undercover with that son of a bitch and I'll never forgive myself for letting things get this ugly"

He was getting all chocked up. And Renee felt herself about to fall into another river of tears. She could not let that happen. "It wasn't your fault. It was my decision to work undercover and then stay. You wanted me to leave the mission but I didn't listen to you"

But that didn't ease his guilt at all. "Still… if there's anything… anything… that I can do for you"

She could definitely think on one thing. "Tell me, as the agent in charge of the operation, you got full access to my medical records, didn't you?"

"Yes, I know everything… and I'm so sorry…"

She interrupted him drily. "I don't want anybody to know the whole truth. I need you to help me keep as much as possible private"

The next day, Renee got a visit from Larry, who had traveled from DC to see her. He also brought her flowers and looked at her with a lot of sadness in his eyes. That was exactly why she had to act strong and absolutely in control. She didn't want people to pity her. She wanted desperately to hide how weak, devastated and helpless she actually felt. She wanted to forget forever everything that had happened in the past sixteen months. Managing to fake a tiny smile as she took the roses he had brought for her, she greeted him "hey, Larry… thank you"

"You are welcome. So, how are you?" Nobody would tell him much. But he could see the sadness in her eyes.

"I'll be fine. Broken bones heal" she tried to sound as casual as possible.

Larry smiled a little. "That's right. And I wanted to say that you can take as much time as you want… you don't have to go back until you absolutely…" But he was suddenly interrupted.

"I can be back in DC next week" She said hastily. All she had left to do was get some mug pictures taken to stage the arrest of the woman she had been for the last sixteen months.

Larry looked at her like she was crazy. "Yeah… in DC… but you don't have to go back to work so fast"

"I want to… I mean, I won't be able to do field work… But I'll do whatever I can"

"Renee, seriously… take as much time as you need". He wasn't very worried about her physical injuries, which seemingly would heal. But even though he didn't know the full story, what he knew was plenty to realize she would need more time to recover mentally as well.

"I don't need time. I need to get back to work as soon as possible" She had to get as busy as possible as soon as she could. Focusing on her job would keep her mind away from everything she wished to forget.

**TO BE CONTINUED….**

**(Please, read and review)**


	2. Running in the wrong direction

**SERIES: Everything went downhill from there**

**PART ONE: A total eclipse of the heart**

**Previously:**Once upon a time, Renee Walker was a daddy's girl. Her dad was a captain of the US Air Forces and died in the gulf War. Then she grew up to become a young republican, fan of Ronald Reagan. She had a fiancé who died in 9-11. She later joined the FBI. In 2012 she agreed to go on a dangerous undercover mission. But she managed to hide from the FBI something terrible that happened then.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own 24. It belongs to fox, Joel Surnow, Robert Cochran and Howard Gordon.

**CHAPTER 2: **

**RUNNING IN THE WRONG DIRECTION**

**YEAR 2015 – August**

**Arlington, Virginia. **

She felt so restless. At this point, she didn't even understand why. After work, she had gone to the gym's pool for a long swim. Normally, that helped her calm down. But this time it wasn't enough. She didn't feel tired. She just kept feeling anxious for no particular reason. And it was time for her to go back to her apartment, but she didn't want to. It would be so empty, so cold. And she was aware of that. Instead, she went to somebody else's home.

She knew Larry would be alone. His wife had left him just two weeks before and moved back temporarily with her sister. So she wasn't surprised when he opened the door, wearing sweats, and gladly allowed her in. When he started making some tea for both of them, she admitted "I just… I don't want to go to my apartment tonight"

Larry looked at her sadly. He totally understood. It had been exactly two years since she had winded up in a hospital with a busted cheek bone and broken ribs. The date probably reminded her of her undercover mission. And he knew she had been avoiding any reminder of anything remotely related with that mission for two years. "I'm here for you, Renee" he said gently. Then, misunderstanding the reason why she had come to his apartment, he added "You can tell me anything. I'm glad you are finally ready to talk about what you've been through."

Renee got suddenly scared and shook her head. That was the last thing she wanted. She needed something else. Getting much closer to him, she whispered "Who said anything about talking?"

**YEAR 2017 – March 25th**

**05:43:20 PM**** - ****WASHINGTON DC**

Jack Bauer was angry because it seemed the woman before him wanted him to feel as devastated as she felt about Marika's death. But he didn't want to care about anything anymore. So he told her, "What happened to Marika was a tragedy. But I'm not going to stand here and tell you what we did was wrong because we weren't. She made a choice, a brave one, to get involved, but she made it."

Agent Walker couldn't accept that so easily. The death of Marika had affected her deeply. That woman who had died was an innocent human being. Renee was supposed to protect her and failed. It mattered a great deal to her. But Jack didn't seem to care at all. She looked at the man in front of her with disbelief and disdain, as if she were looking at a monster. "God, listen to yourself, Jack. You don't even sound human. Don't you feel anything?"

He felt annoyed by her at that point. He had already put up with a lot of judgement that day. So he replied kind of rudely "We had a job to do. To protect the hundredths, if not thousands, of innocent lives that would not have had a choice if we had let the terror attacks take place. What we did wasn't wrong. It was necessary"

Suddenly, as he started leaving, it hit Jack that there hadn't actually been any impending threat against the country at the time Marika became an asset for the mission. Dubaku had been defeated and was no longer planning any attack, just to escape. But '_What we did wasn't wrong. It was necessary_' was simply his default setting. He felt dead inside. He couldn't afford to care about anybody anymore. He had lost too many people. And it was as if each tragedy had taken a piece of his soul he could never get back.

Frankly, she understood more than Jack thought she could about doing what was necessary. They had more in common than he knew. But suddenly, she was terrified. The last ten hours had brought back to the surface old daemons she had managed to keep deeply buried inside her. She was afraid that she had indeed become a monster. However, if Jack had kept his soul after all the hell he had gone through, there was still hope for her. So, she summoned her courage to test him. "I read your file. When your wife was killed, did you feel that, or did you just tell yourself that that was necessary?"

"What do you want from me?" He snapped frustrated walking towards her. He found absolutely outrageous that somebody dared to even hint he had felt nothing when Teri was killed. Almost immediately, he yelled again much more loudly "What do you want from me?"

She knew hers had been a cheap shot. But she was angry that Jack didn't get it. So she walked towards him as she spelled out loudly and clearly the answer to his question. "I just want to know that you feel something. I want to know that you feel the same kind of pain that I do" Next, she smacked him harshly across the face asking "Do you feel that?" She slapped him again demanding to know "Do you feel that?" She was desperate to hear him say that he felt something. As she was going for slap number three, he grabbed her arm firmly. Then she completely broke down in tears falling into his arms.

At first, Jack was too stunned to react in any way. But then he hugged her as she cried, feeling so bad for her. He also tried to remember the last time he had hugged anybody, but couldn't, which meant it had probably been far too long before. It had been definitely far too long. He rocked her in his arms thinking on something he could say to make her feel better. He could only tell her in a whisper what his own experience had taught him. "You're gonna be all right It's gonna take a while. But you will learn to live with it."

Then she abruptly broke the embrace and looked at him horrified. That was exactly what she didn't want to hear. She was so scared that it was already happening. She knew there was at least a part of her soul that was gone forever. She wanted to keep the rest of it. She asked with disdain "What if I don't want to learn to live with it?"

Jack then understood clearly what the whole outburst had been about. Renee wanted to stay human. She didn't want to turn out like him. She actually saw him as a monster. That hurt him more than the slapping. He cared what she thought of him more than he would admit. Renee was getting to him, which he found intimidating. He didn't show it though. He simply told her the only thing she could do if she seriously didn't want to end up like him "Then quit". And then he began walking away from her. But since Jack Bauer was never capable to just let somebody win an argument without at least trying some silly punch line afterwards, he turned around and said arrogantly "By the way, that stunt you pulled by the car? You ever pull your weapon on me again; you better intend to use it."

"I did" Renee replied honestly, but also deeply pained by that truth.

First, he stopped on his tracks, somewhat taken aback. But as her two little words sank in, he realized it didn't actually surprise him. He simply huffed and nodded before leaving her there. Of course she had intended to use that gun. She had never schemed or lied to him. There had been no fooling from her part. And she was as determined to get her way as he was to get his. While he walked away, he realized the only people who had ever been capable of such brutal honesty with him had been Teri and Audrey.

All she could do was watch him leave. And she felt completely awful, also pretty stunned and confused by her own behavior. She had no idea where that sudden outburst had come from. What was wrong with her? She tried to call out his name and explain herself somehow, but as she opened her mouth no sound could come out. She had a huge lump on her throat.

For the past sixteen years Renee had only lived for her job. And for the past five, she had tried not to care about anything but being good at what she did. Efficiency had been her only true passion.

Anger. Sadness. Outrage. Guilt. Fear. Pain. Nervousness. Compassion. In the last five years she had gotten pretty good at keeping those kinds of emotions under relative control, under a cover of pride and strength. Maybe that was because she had become unable of deep and real emotions. Nothing meant _that_ much to her anymore. She was the one who could hardly feel anything anymore. But for some reason that had abruptly changed the moment she met Jack. For the last ten hours, everything she had felt had been right in the surface and magnified.

**08:16 PM**

Renee had read his file. But no file could possibly have told her the damage those horrible events described on it had caused to him. Teri had died murdered by Nina Myers, a woman he had slept with. Kim had been about to die more than once too, just for being his daughter. Claudia died because he had failed to rescue her when she still had a chance. David and Michelle had died for knowing he was alive. Chloe had almost died as well for that same reason. He had shot Curtis when he got in the way of a mission. And Audrey had been destroyed by the Chinese just for being somebody who loved him and tried to rescue him. So every single day of his life Jack Bauer woke up knowing and dreading that at any given moment somebody he cared about would die, and it would be his fault. Truly, it was only a matter of who would die, when and how.

On March 26th of 2017, at 8.15 PM, the answers to the other questions would be 'Bill Buchanan' and 'on an explosion at the White House'.

Renee watched sadly how Jack sat next to Bill's dead body. She could clearly see his pain. Ironically, it was the first time she saw Jack since they had fought at the hospital and she had called him insensitive. Now she felt horrible and truly ashamed of herself for what she had said earlier. Trying to somewhat make up for it, she walked towards him and quietly told him the president was safe. Then she whispered sincerely "I'm so sorry, Jack. I know that he was your friend."

Jack was still in shock. He wished he had died instead of Bill. If Renee still wanted to know, that was the kind of pain he was feeling. It was the pain of realising he was indeed cursed. The pain of knowing that all the people he cared about winded up dead one way or another, and somehow it was always his fault. He had no idea how to explain that pain to her. So he just told her "It was supposed to be me. I was supposed to set off the explosion so that he could secure the president."

"He died protecting his country" Renee said honestly trying to comfort him.

"Yeah" Jack whispered weakly. But then he recalled Bill's last words _'You're the only one I know who can do this, Jack. Find out who Juma's working with_'. Bill had died knowing Jack was the only one ruthless and insensitive enough to get the job done no matter what. Wasn't that what he had truly meant? Jack couldn't let his friend down. He stated coldly "this isn't over yet" And headed to carry on his duty. Right then he realized he could never really feel the pain. He was never able to allow himself to be human for too long. As much as he detested it, there was always an important reason for him to shut down his feelings and quickly get back to handle some crisis.

**March 26****th**** 2017- 07:30 AM **

It was so strange how everything had turned out between them. They had argued a lot. But they had connected in such a strange way. The brick wall he had built around his soul to avoid feeling any sort of pain had slowly begun crumbling down. And he knew that was because of Renee. For a long time, he had numbed his heart by keeping it under a thick layer of ice. But that ice had started to melt after knowing her for merely a few hours. In a short time, he had gotten to admire her, trust her and care about her. And he also found her very attractive. But it was more than that. Strangely, she had come to mean a lot to him. However, something had gone terribly wrong. He had gotten infected with a deadly pathogen. And just like that, he knew his time on earth would be through soon. Therefore, he would never be able to do anything about the way he felt about her. He would never be able to get to know her better and spend at least some time with her in normal circumstances, like a normal guy would.

But, all things considered, and even thought it was extremely hard, he had come to somewhat accept his own death. To himself only, he had to admit that it wasn't so bad. He wouldn't suffer more betrayals. He wouldn't cause his daughter any more suffering. And nobody else would die because of him.

His thoughts were interrupted by a paramedic offering him medication for his pain. For a long time, Jack had used drugs to shut down his mind and forget all pain. But now he refused to take any painkiller. He wasn't ready for that. He needed to keep his head clear at least a little bit longer.

It was then that he noticed Renee walking in there. "Jack", she said with a hint of urgency in her voice. They stared at each other with the same expression: a mix of sadness and fear. They both knew they were about to talk for the very last time. Therefore, he asked to be left alone with her.

She felt so frustrated. She was really hoping to give Jack at least one good news before he... God, she couldn't even think about it. Why did it have to happen to him? He was very at peace with his own death. So at peace that it was breaking her heart. She didn't even want to think about it, choosing to focus instead on a problem she could solve. They had gotten the man responsible for the deaths of David Palmer and Michelle Almeida. His name was Alan Wilson, and his actions had driven Tony Almeida crazy. So Renee was sure Jack would love to see that son of a bitch of Wilson getting punished. But that sadly seemed impossible at the moment.

"What happened?" Jack asked.

"He's denying everything. Claims we don't have a case against him"

Jack looked down sadly and not at all surprised, then he asked "Is he right?"

Renee replied as honestly as possible "maybe, which means he has no reason at all to tell us who else was involved in the conspiracy". Jack seemed so disappointed that it was breaking her heart. So, very quickly she added without missing a beat "But I can make him talk".

Jack seemed to have no reaction whatsoever to that. He just blinked a couple of times, not revealing what thoughts were crossing his mind. Renee thought maybe he didn't trust she could do it. But if she had the opportunity to stop a terrorist, she wouldn't just waste it. And it was particularly important for her to stop Wilson before Jack died. But she couldn't admit that much. Instead, she insisted saying "If we don't find these people, one day they will launch another attack, and I don't see how I can live with myself knowing that there was something I could have done to stop it".

She still didn't understand why she cared so much about Jack. She had met him less than 24 hours ago. Renee told herself that she only cared about him because he was a brave man who had saved a lot of lives, including her own. She searched Jack's face for some indication of whether he approved what she wanted to do or not. But she still seemed to get no reaction from him. So she walked a few steps closer to him and looked straight into his gorgeous greenish eyes as she admitted "I don't know what to do".

Renee hated being so desperate. She also hated the fact that she found herself depending so much on some guy's opinion. Ever since she had met Jack, she had felt incredibly lost and unsure of herself, especially when he was around. She trusted him to make the right choice for her.

Jack felt sorry for her. He had faced that impossible dilemma many times. But it was a choice she had to make on her own. He wouldn't make her do anything she might regret later. "I can't tell you what to do. I've been wrestling with this my whole life. I see fifteen people held hostage on a bus, everything else goes out the window. I will do whatever it takes to save them, and I mean whatever it takes".

That was the very first thing Renee had noticed that about him, of course.

He sighed deeply and looked down. Now he was afraid of facing God and being punished him for all the bad things he had done. He added honestly "Maybe I thought that if I saved them, I was also saving myself"

Then she understood just how sorry Jack actually was for the things he'd done. But on the crazy twenty four that had just gone by, she had grown to admire everything about Jack, including how he had the guts to punish bad people like those bastards deserved. She had a hard time believing he could regret his actions after he had saved so many lives. So she asked with genuine curiosity "Do you regret anything that you did today?"

Jack took a moment to think about that. What he regretted the most was the harm done to those he loved so much. But Renee asked only about the last twenty four hours. Well, he wished he hadn't trusted Tony. He wished Senator Blaine Mayer, Bill and Larry were alive. But if he thought about it, those tragedies had occurred precisely because he hadn't been allowed to get to the terrorist quickly like he knew how. So, he regretted what he _didn't _do to prevent people from dying. And since Renee was specifically asking about torture, and they had no time to talk about anything else, he limited himself to answer strictly what she was asking, "No. But then again, I don't work for the FBI"

"I don't understand", she complained sounding almost childish. What did working for the FBI had to do with anything?

Jack elaborated his point, "You took an oath. You made a promise to uphold the law."

Of course, now she felt like an idiot for not getting it sooner. That was the difference between Jack and her. It was the badge. It obligated her to do things in a certain way. She had to make justice by law. Not by her own hands. Of course you could break the rules. But that carried heavy consequences.

Jack continued warning her about what it was like to break those rules. "Crossing the line always starts with a small step. Before you know it, you're running as fast as you can in the wrong direction, just to justify what you started in the first place. These laws were written by much smarter men than me. And in the end I know that these laws have to be more important than the fifteen people on the bus."

That was pretty much the same thing Larry had been telling her all day. He used to say "Being ruled by the law is what makes us the good guys". But she couldn't help feeling something was terribly wrong with being good if it only made you a helpless victim. He had died for being a good guy.

Jack then added, "I know that's right. In my mind, I know that's right. I just don't think my heart could ever have lived with that."

Renee felt tears damping her eyes. He had said '_could ever have lived_' and not '_could ever live'_. Suddenly, she could not longer ignore the big elephant in the room. Jack was really dying. Nobody seemed to understand her like he did. And soon he would be gone.

Jack knew he had little time left. There was nothing he could do for Renee at that point. But at least she had the rest of her life ahead of her. And she was a young, smart and beautiful woman. He wished for her everything he couldn't have. So concluded "I guess the only advice I can give you is: try to make choices that you can live with"

She nodded. Every action had consequences, and she would have to live with them. She was the sole responsible for her own choices. She knew that already.

Suddenly, Jack winced in pain. The end was coming closer and closer. Renee had no idea what she should say. What do you say to someone you know you'll never see again? What do you say when that someone was a guy you wish desperately you could spend more time with? Would it be appropriate for her to say that she felt awful? That she would give anything to prevent the inevitable? That everything was so unfair? That it broke her heart when she thought about all the things they'd never get to do? She didn't dare say any of that. And nothing she could say would make things better anyway. She barely managed to tell him "I don't know what to say"

But he didn't need her to say anything. She could see in her eyes exactly what she was feeling. Jack gently caressed her cheek and took her hand as she cried. "Don't say anything at all" he whispered those words. The last ones he would ever say to her. A tear rolled down Renee's cheek. He felt like he was about to cry too.

Then the paramedics came back to take him to the hospital. Renee watched helplessly how he was wheeled away and then nothing could stop her tears from flowing like waterfalls from her eyes.

**07:56 AM**

Renee watched how Alan Wilson was led handcuffed through an observation room and then into the adjoining interrogation room. He was seated at the table by the armored agent who had escorted him in. She could see that bastard through the window of the interrogation room, be he couldn't see her. After that agent left, Renee got a bit closer to the window and took a better look at Wilson. He seemed to be annoyed, but at the same time he looked so smug. As if he knew being taken to the FBI was just a rock on the road he could easily lift up and cast out of his away. He knew nothing bad would truly happen to him. Not without evidence.

She felt what she hated to feel the most. She felt powerless. Tim Woods, secretary of homeland security, would arrive soon to supervise personally the transfer of Wilson into federal custody. Janis told Renee to sign the necessary transfer papers. Renee just stared at the folder, once she signed those papers Wilson would be officially out of her hands. She felt sick and furious at the same time.

But at least now she knew exactly what to do. Instead of taking the folder, she began to turn off the cameras while she told Janice to leave the room.

"What are you doing?" Janis asked in disbelief. Not intending to leave the room.

"Get out!" Renee shouted at her firmly. She really didn't want the innocent data analyst to be a part of this.

"No! absolutely not. I'm staying right here until Wilson is transferred" Janis wouldn't let Renee make the same mistake twice. Last time the agent wanted to be left alone with a suspect, the man in question got tortured.

"Fine" Renee told her straight-faced, with her voice showing no emotions. Then she crushed the door keypad with her gun butt.

"What are you doing?" Janis asked nearly hysterical.

Renee withdrew her gun, aiming it at Janis. She made her soon-to-be-former friend handcuff herself to the nearest pole. The data analyst begged "Please, don't do this You've done your job, you arrested him. Let the courts take it from here"

But Renee went back to staring Wilson thought the window. Let the court take it? The courts? Was Janice truly that naïve? Wilson owned a controlling interest in a dozen private military firms. And yet, he had gone from having _low profile_ to having _no_ profile at all. There was no recorded address and the man hadn't even been seen in public for years. Wilson's electronics had deleted their own contents, making his data irretrievable. Under those circumstances the court would do nothing. She had to force him to talk.

"Stop this now before it's too late." Janise added, still trying to reason with the woman who seemed to have gone mad. She really wanted Renee to stop.

But Renee knew something Janice didn't. It was already too late. She had crossed that line Jack had talked about five years ago. Truly, she had already run so fast in the wrong direction that the line was nothing but a distant dot to her. For the past five years, she had tried to act like she still belonged to the FBI. But she wasn't what everybody thought she was. The events of the past twenty four hours only proved that it was time for her to simply drop the charade. She took off the FBI jacket.

Then she took the badge out of her pocket and stared at it folded in her hands. Her FBI badge. She used to love everything it represented. She had worked so hard to earn it. And it used to make her feel really proud. Now it was merely a symbol of the reasons her hands were tied.

There was deeply hurt woman crying desperately inside Renee. She had tried to ignore her for too long. She had tried to shut her up. Right there and then it was like a huge daemon shutting down her better angels.

Janice tried saying the one thing she was sure would bring Renee's reasoning back. "Larry would not have wanted this. Don't dishonor his death like this."

She looked into Janice's eyes for a moment. That was true. Larry was such a decent guy, with such high moral codes. He had always done the right thing in the proper manner. But now he was dead. And so would be Jack soon.

So her mind was made up. If punishing the guy responsible for every tragedy occurred in the last twenty four hours made her bad, Renee Walker didn't want to be good.

She put her badge down on the table, and opened the door to the interrogation room. She stood in the doorway for a moment. He smirked up at her. That arrogant smile only gave her more determination. He actually though he wouldn't have to pay for murdering God knew how many people. But his smirk faded when he noticed the darkness in her expression. Then she closed the door, and made sure nobody could open it from outside.

"You have one last chance to tell me the truth" she threatened, hoping he knew she meant it.

But he just looked at her and faked confusion. He was sure she had to be bluffing. She couldn't actually touch him. "What truth?" he asked playing dumb.

Renee suddenly pulled out her gun and pressed it against his forehead as she yelled "Don't you dare giving me that bullshit! Right here, right now, it's just you and me. You caused the death of hundredths of innocent people!"

He knew she had no way to prove that. And he didn't think she was capable of shooting him. So he just shook his head as he said unfazed "You don't want to kill me"

"I don't want to. But I will if you don't tell me what I need to know. Who else took part of the conspiracy?"

He just stared at her blankly as he feigned confusion again "What conspiracy?"

Renee had to improvise, since she didn't have many objects at hand she could use for this kind of interrogations. She made him put his hand on the table and hit his fingers with the back of her gun. He gasped, as she yelled at him and continued hitting him, "I won't let anybody else die because of you! Tell me who else was working with you. Who else was a part of the conspiracy?"

Renee wasn't an idiot. She knew that a confession made under duress wouldn't stand in any court. But he had to reveal the true extend of the conspiracy. Only knowing that information, they could prevent future attacks. She suddenly pushed the table against the wall and forced him to get up. Then she picked up his chair and threw it against the wall as well, so hard that it actually got broken. Wilson startled. She grabbed him from the shirt and pushed him harshly against the wall. "Tell me what I need to know! Now!"

He shook his head, now scared and yelled "You can't do this! I'm innocent"

"Don't test me, you son of a bitch!" she threatened and immediately made a warning shot at the floor next to his right foot. Her gun had a silencer. But she knew she was running out of time. "Tell me what I need to know now! Or I swear when I'm done with you, you are gonna wish I'd kill you!"

In a sudden wave of rage, Renee hit him harshly in the head with the back of her gun. When he was unconscious on the floor she took her handcuffs and tied his feet together. Then she took the handcuffs from his wrists, and tied them up again, but this time behind his back. She kicked him hard until he winced in pain.

She was so sick of it all. She couldn't watch another bastard walk away without a punishment. She hated men like him who were so powerful that could get away with murdering innocent people. She knew that kind of guy way too well. He probably too thought he owned everything and everybody. Alan Wilson and Vladimir Laitanan were basically the same in her eyes. Their nationalities were different. But their evil nature was the same.

She got even more infuriated. For some reason, she started seeing Vladimir where Wilson was, she began kicking him hard on the chest. "You bastard!... one last time… Where do I find all the information you have on the conspiracy?"

"You crazy bitch! I'm going to report you!"

"Wrong answer!" She forced him to stand up and punched him on the nose so hard that it broke. She wasn't even controlling the force she was using.

After putting the safe on her gun, she placed it inside his mouth and gave him a punch under his chin breaking two of his teeth. Wilson screamed feeling more and more pain, but he still wouldn't reveal anything. And Renee was running out of time. She shot him in the leg and then pressed her gun against the wound until Wilson couldn't take it anymore.

"Okay… okay! Six years ago my organization orchestrated everything together with Charles Logan, Philip and Graem Bauer. Today I worked with Stakwood. There is a file in a computer that your people didn't find, I swear I'll give you access to it, but stop now!"

Renee already knew everything about the role Jack's father and brother had played in the conspiracy. Before she could say something else, she heard some agents yelling at her to open the door. She opened it, put her gun on the floor and raised her hands in surrender. While one agent pointed his gun at her in disbelief, the others run to check Wilson, who had fainted. Renee could hardly believe what she heard next. "He had a heart attack. We need to take him to a hospital now!"

She stared in shock how they took Wilson away. Then she took a glance around and she whispered to herself in disbelief "What have I done?"

The scariest thing was that she knew in her mind exactly what she had done. But she felt too numb to care. They told her Alan Wilson could die. And she still didn't care. She had nearly killed him, but she didn't care. She also didn't care about her own fate. She knew she had done something wrong and illegal, but absolutely necessary. If she had done nothing, that bastard would have gotten away with what he did. He was responsible for the death of Larry, and many more.

After she made her statement, they made her talk to a shrink, Dr. Grace Mathews, who concluded that Renee acted like she did because she was mentally unstable. Renee could overhear Mathews talking with the new acting FBI director. "This isn't only about today. I read her file. And I talked to her. She's not over what happened five years ago"

"But she seemed fine before"

"Probably she's been hiding her deepest feelings for too long. And something triggered them back to surface."

"I understand. Look, she's been a great agent, and she saved a lot of lives today. But what she did looks bad for the FBI… I'm forced to let her go." He also thought he had to cover this whole mess up as much as he could. An FBI agent going rogue because she hid a mental issue for three years? That could never become public knowledge. Not to mention Wilson now had grounds to sue the bureau, not just Walker. That would a scandal the FBI couldn't afford. Maybe he could deal with Wilson. If he left the FBI off the hook, they'd leave him.

**Arlington, Virginia**

**YEAR 2017 – March 30**

Renee watched Larry's burial from behind the crowd, trying not to be noticed. Particularly, she didn't want his ex wife to see her. She couldn't believe he was gone forever. Her best friend, moreover her only real friend in nine years. Although had he had never known what truly happened to her, when she came back from her mission with the Russian mob he became her rock. He made her feel beautiful and important for the first time in a long time. And during his painful separation process, they had a brief affair. But it didn't last. It had been her fault, really. She was simply unable to love any man. She loved him as a friend, but she hadn't been able to offer him more. She was damaged goods. She was unable to have any deep feelings for anybody. But he was there for her even when she didn't deserve it.

"The souls of the virtuous are in the hands of God. No torment shall ever touch them. In the eyes of the unwise, they did appear to die, but they are at peace. For though in the sight of others they were punished, their hope is full of immortality."

Renee wasn't sure if anything the minister was saying was true. But she certainly wanted to have faith. She liked the idea of a place with no torments. Hopefully such a place existed for people like Larry.

On her way out, she ran into Janis, who just gave her a dirty look that clearly meant _'I can't believe you had the nerve to show up'_

After the burial, she went back home and took a very long bath. She just wanted to disappear forever in the warm water. Maybe it had something to do with her catholic upbringing. But for some strange reason, she wanted the water to wash all her sins away. But she knew it didn't matter how long she bathed, or how often she showered. She could never be really clean.

She got off the bathtub and stared at the mirror, barely recognizing herself.

She was completely alone. Everybody she cared about had died or bailed on her.

There was only one other person on this earth who could fully understand her, but he was in a coma. She only knew that, for the moment, he was alive. The treatment so far had saved his life but nobody knew if he'd ever wake up. If only he could wake up. If he could wake up and tell her how to live after your entire world crashes down. She needed him as her mentor.

She would give anything to talk to Jack again. She wanted to tell him so many things. For instance, she wished she could apologize for accusing him of having no feelings. She knew now that acting cold was just his way to deal with the world.

She had only known him for a day. But it certainly didn't feel that way. She had instantly felt a rare connection with him. Truth be told, she had secretly admired Jack ever since she first heard from him. She admired his guts and the results he was able to get. He solved the problem at hand. And he made the bad guys pay for their crimes, which was more that could be said about her. For years she had done everything according to the book. And what good did that to her?

Jack was braver and stronger than any person she knew. And her entire life all Renee had wanted to be as strong and brave. She wanted to be what her father had wanted her to be. But she wasn't. She didn't know how to continue living after losing everything that mattered to her. And Jack couldn't guide her through it. When she took off her FBI jacket, and left her badge at the table, she did more than quitting her job. She had resigned to everything she had once believed in. All she had once been.

Renee hadn't been herself in a long time. She had changed long before Jack Bauer came into her life. But for the past four years she had pretended to be her old self. She had done her best to be what everybody else wanted her to be. She had spent the last four years trying desperately to please everybody. That was impossible for her to do. She was far from being perfect. She wasn't nearly as good as she should be. Since she had dropped off her façade, nothing mattered anymore.

She had been numb for days. Not feeling anything at all. Until suddenly, a rush of deep anger took over her. But the person she hated the most was staring back at her when she looked at the mirror. She hit with deep fury her own reflection several times until the mirror broke. A small piece caused a cut in her arm. It was minimal. But big enough for her to realize which was her only way out.

She pulled a piece of broken mirror from the frame. She stabbed her own shoulder first, only to see if it hurt. It did and she liked that very much. If she wanted a painless death, she could just shoot herself on the mouth. She'd be gone in seconds. But she wanted to suffer.

She wanted to feel some pain, if only to prove herself that she still could.

Then, she took that same piece of broken mirror with her right hand. Full of determination, she nailed it in her left wrist and moved it up, as if she were drawing a line across her arm. Right after that, she did the same with her other wrist. She stared at the blood coming out her veins. She finally felt something she hadn't felt in such a long time. She felt peace. A peace that came from knowing that soon, everything that troubled her would be over.

**TO BE CONTINUED… **

**A.N. Thanks for reading! Please, I would like to get your reviews.**


	3. Staying Alive

**SERIES: Everything went downhill from there**

**PART ONE: A total eclipse of the heart**

**Previously:**Jack went into a coma, sure that he was gonna die. Three days later, she cut her own wrists.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own 24. It belongs to fox, Joel Surnow, Robert Cochran and Howard Gordon.

**Chapter 3:**

**Staying Alive**

**L.A. California. Jack Bauer's house **

**Year 2004 – March 5****th****, Friday **

Jack wondered around the house aimlessly. He and Kim were just coming back from burying Teri. What was he supposed to do now? He had to focus on taking care of his daughter. Kim was all he had left now. He saw his daughter in her room, she was sobbing while hugging a pillow. Jack simply sat next to her and rubbed her back.

"I was so horrible to her", she said between sobs.

"Stop saying that, sweetie. People fight all the time. She knew you loved her very much", it was all Jack could say.

Kim shook his head stubbornly. "You don't understand, dad. I never got to show her how much she meant to me. That day, at the barn, she became my hero", she stopped herself before she could say something else. Her father never needed to know about her mom being raped.

Jack said nothing. How could he give his daughter comfort when he was a mess himself?

"But why, daddy? Why did she kill her?" Kim was asking rhetorically. She had already been told about Nina, but nothing seemed to make any sense these days.

"Sweetheart, I know you want everything to make sense, but it won't. Nina was selling classified Intel to the higher bidder. It seems your mom overheard her planning to escape", he gave that explanation hating himself for lying to his daughter. But the truth was even more painful. Even when those were the facts revealed by the investigation, Jack knew there was more, and that was truly killing him.

Nina had been smart enough to fool everybody for years and sell government secrets. And then she couldn't find a way to escape leaving Teri alive? Jack hadn't bought that for a second. And it was eating him alive. He couldn't lie to himself. Nina was insane: insanely jealous. She loved him in a sick way. And that was the real reason Teri had died. Now he would have to find a way to live forever with that truth inside him.

But He would do it. He would find a way to live with that truth, even if only for his daughter.

**YEAR 2013 – ****April 27****th**

**L.A, California. ****James Heller's beach house**

**05:50 AM**

Jack Bauer was a man who knew what he wanted and wouldn't be stopped by anybody. He was going to take Audrey with him. He was going to help her recover from her ordeal. Then they would start a beautiful life together. He was prepared to disappear with her forever. As long as they had each other, Jack knew they could make it.

But his heart sunk when he saw Audrey surrounded by all kind of medical machines. She was still in a catatonic state. Only her chest slowly moving up and down as her breathing told him she was alive. He sat by her bed and took her hand rubbing circles on it, hoping that would bring her back. "Hey. It's me, I'm here..."

But he got no response from the empty shell he was watching. He looked at the window, and noticed a little bit of daylight sneaking through the curtains. Now he could see the painful reality. Thinking he could take Audrey with him and help her heal was only a beautiful fantasy. It could never happen. How could he help her? He was cursed. He had destroyed everyone around him. He had to do what was truly best for her. So, as much as he hated to acknowledge that fact, the best thing he could do for Audrey was to stay away from her. He had to leave her for her own good. He tried really hard not to cry.

He wasn't sure if she could listen or understand him, but he owed her at least an explanation. "I know that I promised...to take care of you...and protect you...But I'm at a crossroads. Right now, the best way...the only way...to do that is to let you go. I hope one day you can understand that...I hope one day you can forgive me. I love you with all my heart." He kissed her forehead knowing he was letting her go, but would keep forever the love in his heart. "And I always will"

Then he made himself strong enough to leave her side. As soon as Jack walked out the bedroom, he exchanged one last sad look with Secretary Heller. Jack silently conceded him the victory merely with the expression on his face. He stopped for a few seconds thinking whether he should say something to him. Then he decided that no words were necessary.

Decisively, he walked down the house's yard until she reached he wooden railing which surrounded it. On the other side of that fence there was nothing but a high cliff. Several feet below him there was the shore of the Pacific Ocean. He could just jump. He could get this over with, once and for all. If he couldn't have the life he had planned with Audrey, he didn't want to live at all. He had absolutely no reason to live. There was no reason why he shouldn't jump. He couldn't be anywhere near his daughter or Audrey. He had to let them both go for their own sakes. He was cursed. So he had to die.

Suddenly, his own thoughts terrified him. He was truly going insane.

"_Do you understand the difference between dying for something and dying for nothing? The only reason I fought so hard to stay alive in China was because I didn't want to die for nothing. Today I can die for something. My way, my choice. To be honest with you, it'll be a relief."_

Had he really said those words less than twenty four hours ago? He wanted to die now even more than he had when he had pronounced those words. But somehow just committing suicide didn't seem quite right.

When the country needed Jack to blow himself up to save the city from a nuclear explosion there had been no problem. Except Mason had even less to lose and took his place.

When the President needed Jack to be executed in order to catch a dangerous terrorist Jack had been fine with that also.

Whenever Jack's demise was necessary or useful somehow, he had made no objection to it. If he was still alive, was because others had decided so for him. But how could his passing help anybody now? It wouldn't bring Teri back. It wouldn't bring Audrey back either. It wouldn't save any life. It would only erase his pain. That was selfish. How could he think on stop his own suffering when Audrey didn't have that option? If she was suffering, so should he. Suicide was painless. And after everything he had done he deserved to live a painful life.

Maybe, some other day, somehow, he would be forced to save a life by ending his own. Then he would do it. God, he could only look forward to the arrival of such day.

**YEAR 2017 – March 26****th**

**07:44:30****AM - Washington DC – CDC hospital **

When Teri died, the pastor who spoke at the funeral said she had gone to a better place. Then he explained how heaven was like: a peaceful place, with no pain and no suffering at all. Teri would only feel love and happiness for all the eternity. But Jack had never been a believer. To him there was no 'better place'. But when the pain inside him became just too unbearable, he actually changed his mind. If there was no heaven, then Teri had actually disappeared forever. Jack preferred to think she was somewhere, waiting for him. It was easier that way. Still he had never been a religious man.

Now there he was, fourteen years later and very close of dying. He was on a hospital bed just waiting to die. Very soon he would be gone. He was hoping with all his heart to see Teri again. But honestly, he thought he would not get to go to heaven. He had done too many bad things. He would most likely go in the opposite direction.

His doctor watched his MIR. When she turned around, Jack knew the results weren't good. Dr. Sunny Macer explained that his condition was advancing even faster than anticipated. He was feeling more nervous and scared with every passing second. He had accepted his death. But it was happening far too fast.

"I can only give you some morphine. It will induce the coma. But you won't feel any pain", the doctor offered gently. Dr. Macer felt so bad for Jack's suffering. He didn't have to die this way. He could have tried the steam cell treatment. Or at least he could take the morphine for the pain.

Jack refused. The pain was extremely bad. But he begged the doctor not to give him the morphine yet. He definitely couldn't die before talking with the one person who could give him what he actually needed.

Then the nurse showed up announcing the arrival of a visitor for Jack.

Gohar, the imam he had met earlier at the mosque, walked in, not truly believing yet who had called him and why. Jack looked at him, and smiled aware of how strange it was that in his darkest hour he had called an Imam. But it had somehow made sense.

Dr. Macer left the two of them alone. And Gohar walked towards Jack's bedside, looking sad.

"Thank you for coming", Jack said sincerely.

"I was surprised to hear from you", Gohar admitted. He had apparently misjudged Jack.

"I'm dying", Jack explained unnecessarily. He just wanted to say it out loud in order to get used to the idea.

"I know", Gohar said with genuine concern.

"I made so many mistakes and I always thought that I would have time to correct them." As he said that, Jack realized how naïve it had been to think that he could ever make up for the pain he had caused. No good deed could undo the harm already done.

But Gohar knew differently. He sat on the edge of the bed and said wisely, "you have time. Right now"

"You don't know what I've done" Jack replied, nearly breaking down in tears.

Except Gohar knew what kind of work Jack used to do. And he could imagine what Jack had done. They had even had a harsh confrontation about it earlier that same day. But under the new circumstances, Gohar was now willing to admit, "We live in complex times, Mr. Bauer. Nothing is black and white. But I do know this: I see before me a man, with all his flaws, and all his goodness. Simply a man." Then he took Jack's hand and said, "Let us both forgive ourselves for all the wrongs that we have done."

Jack took a moment to think of all the innocent people he'd hurt. He thought of Paul Raines, Claudia Salazar and his beloved Audrey, who was still in a mental institution only for trying to save him. Also Michelle and David Palmer, who got murdered just for knowing he was alive. He also regretted all those times when, without even thinking of a different solution, he had just rushed to torture someone. Then he thought about Teri and Kim.

Luckily, he had been able to save his daughter. And now he could die in peace knowing she would be safe. That was his last gift to her. They could say the risks of the procedure were minimal. And they probably were. But around him there was no such thing as being too careful.

Finally, he seemed to find some peace. "Thank you", he said to Gohar before announcing stoically "It's time".

**07.57 AM**

When Gohar met Jack's daughter, he could honestly tell her, "He has accepted what's happening".

But that didn't make Kim feel any better; she said decisively "Maybe he has. But I haven't".

Naturally, Kim had never wanted to let her dad die. But since he had begged her basically to do just that, she didn't know how to fight him. Since it was his life, it seemed that he should be the one deciding what to do. But after talking to her husband, Kim felt differently. It wasn't only his life. He had a family to think about. He couldn't just leave her like this. Not now.

That same morning, she had gone to the Senate hearings. She had come all the way from L.A. because she wanted to talk to her father. She missed him. She needed him to be a part of her new life. They had been apart for far too long, and she now knew just how stupid they both had been.

She was relieved to hear the treatment with steam cells was still an option. She didn't care about the risks. Her only fear was that maybe it wouldn't work. However, it was their only hope. She only knew for sure that her dad would definitely die soon if she did nothing.

After Dr. Macer left to make the necessary arrangements, Kim walked in her dad's room. He looked as if he were just sleeping very deeply. No inch of his body was moving. Kim recalled her mom's peaceful expression after her death. But she quickly shook her head on denial. "I'm sorry, daddy. But I'm not ready to let you go."

**YEAR 2017 – March 31****st**

**10 AM – Arlington Urgent Care Center**

In a different hospital, while Jack was still in coma Renee was waking up. She was in so much pain. Her arms hurt the most. So did her head. It hurt so much she couldn't think straight. Where was she? She felt so sleepy. When she tried to open her eyes, there was such a strong light she had to blink a few times before fully opening her eyes.

Last thing she remembered was being in her own bathroom, in her apartment, in Arlington, Virginia. She had killed herself. Right? She remembered clearly cutting deeply her wrists and losing a lot of blood. She took a look around. She was at a hospital bedroom, and she had bandages around her wrists. There was only one thing she could say under those circumstances, "What the fuck…?"

She didn't get it. How could she be alive after all? She had been bleeding out.

Nurse Julie came in. She had a very cheerful personality, and her pears described her as optimistic and happy.

"Good morning, Miss Walker. It was about time you wake up"

"Shut the window, please" Renee groaned. Since when Virginia was so damn sunny? That light was so annoying.

"Oh, but you'll miss this beautiful day", Julie said, trying to sound casual. They actually tried to keep the room well lighted to induce endorphins. And Renee had already slept almost twenty hours straight.

Renee groaned "Please, I need the window closed"

Julie humored her for the moment and announced, "I'll call the doctor now"

"Wait, just one question, why am I here?"

"You tried to kill yourself" she stated as gently as she could.

"I know that. I meant, how did I get here? Do you know?"

"You were found by your neighbor, Jacqueline Thomas. She told me when she came to see you that she wanted to ask you for some milk, but you wouldn't answer the door or the phone. Since she knew you were home because she'd seen you just a little while before what happened, she knew something was wrong, and had the doorman open your door with the emergency key"

That made sense. It was Mrs. Thomas, her annoyingly nosy next door neighbor. Jackie was an old lady, whose children never visited her so she was always minding in other people's business. If Renee weren't so bitter, she would notice Jackie was simply desperate for a friend.

"She shouldn't have done that" with that somber statement Renee considered the conversation over and tried to go back to sleep. She couldn't. She was now feeling restless. She kept staring at the ceiling.

A few minutes later the ER. doctor who had taken care of her, came to check on her.

"Hello, Miss. Walker. How are you feeling right now?"

"Awesome" she replied sarcastically. But it was pretty much what he expected.

"Now, I think we both know you need the kind of help we don't provide here. But we can transfer you to a facility more suitable for your current needs"

"You mean you're sending me to a mental institution" Her tone was emotionless.

"Only so you can have the best possible care. You could follow an ambulatory treatment here. But that's not what I would recommend for someone who doesn't want to live", the doctor explained.

"What if I refuse to follow any treatment?" She kept talking with no hint of any emotion on his voice.

"We'll have to discharge you AMA, Against Medical Advice".

"Good thing I don't give a damn about your advice then", she abruptly snapped.

**02.30 PM – Renee's apartment.**

She was finally back in her apartment, lying in her own bed. She didn't want to do anything at all. She felt completely exhausted. The mere idea of existing sounded so tiresome. Then she heard a knock on her door. Annoyed, she got up guessing who it could be. As she expected, Mrs. Thomas showed up with chocolate cake.

"I'm glad to see you are now fine, my dear" Jackie said warmly, handing the cake to Renee.

"Thank you, Mrs. Thomas" She thanked her politely for the cake. She didn't feel grateful at all for the whole life saving thing.

"I would like to talk to you. Do you mind if I came inside?" the old woman asked, shyly.

"I don't mind now" she said, acidly stressing the 'now'.

Jackie nicely served the cake and made the tea for both of them. Then they sat on Renee's couch. "I know you can't see it now, my dear. But you have someone up there looking after you", the older woman pointed out wisely. "I mean, I feel someone or something made me come right before it was too late".

"I'm sorry, but I don't believe in any of that" Not anymore anyway. Mrs. Thomas sounded like her mom.

"You should. Because it was too much of a coincidence, it has to mean something. Think about it. I think there is a reason why they wanted you to live"

"Who wants me to live? Honestly, I don't", Renee was just stating the obvious. The woman saw what she had done, so what was the point in lying to her?

"And could you tell me why that is? It came as a shock to me that a young woman like you thinks there is no reason to live" Jackie was being absolutely honest.

Renee could never tell her the entire truth, even if she wanted to. But she was feeling more at ease having someone to talk to. So she decided to tell a small part of the story, "A person I really cared about died recently. And there is this other man, who is important to me… he's in a coma"

"Oh, my dear, I'm so sorry to hear that. But you still must have plenty of reasons to live".

"I don't feel that way now"

"And if the man who is now in a coma woke up? Would you feel any different? Since he's important for you an all"

"I'm not important for him" Renee stated sharply, leaving no room for further discussion about Jack. Even if he woke up by some miracle she definitely couldn't see him ever again. She hoped with all her heart that he would have a long life. But if he did, she wanted him to forever remember her fondly as Agent Walker. She couldn't let him see what she had turned into.

Jackie was still sure Renee had other reasons to carry on. At her age, she had already lost many people. And she had learnt that there was always something to hold on to. She didn't know much about Renee, but the younger woman could hold on to the fact that there were still many years ahead of her. "But even if you have nothing right now, you still have time to get what you want. You have time to fall in love and get married if you want to. Then you could have a baby"

At that exact point, Renee exploded in an ocean of tears.

**Year 2017 - April 10****th**

For nearly two weeks, Jack Bauer had found himself trapped in what seemed like the bottom of the ocean. Except that he could breathe. But he couldn't see anything. He couldn't open his eyes. He couldn't even move. And he definitely couldn't make sense of what was going on.

All he could hear was a constant "beeping". The very familiar sound of a heart monitor. And every now and then he could hear some distant voices. But that infuriated him greatly because he couldn't understand a single word.

What was going on? Why wasn't he dead already? Or, was he? Maybe this was his punishment. Perhaps he had to suffer the very same pain he caused others. He felt so scared and helpless. Was this what Audrey felt every single day because of him?

Suddenly, one of those voices finally, mercifully, became much clearer.

"Hi, Jack. It's me, Chloe. I'm not even sure if you can hear me. So I kind of feel like an idiot. Anyway, Kim is doing fine. She just needs to stay in bed. But she's desperate to see you. They said that soon they'd let her come."

What? He still wasn't making sense of the situation. He needed desperately to know more. All he heard was a sigh.

"By the way, you were wrong about the treatment. I know you thought it wouldn't work. Well, it did."

First, he felt stunned. Kim had gone along with that nonsense after he had specifically told her not to? Then he felt outraged. How dared she? It wasn't what he wanted. If only he could scream and curse. But even when he couldn't move at all, Chloe could picture him yelling at the top of his lungs on the inside.

"Yes, Jack. She did it. You didn't get your way. Just get over it already. You are her dad. She loves you. And you are my only friend in the entire word. Honestly, I would have saved you too"

But then he heard Chloe's voice breaking in sobs.

"You know? I know what's truly happening. You just want to die. That's why you wouldn't let Kim save you. But she did. And it worked. All you have to do is wake up." Then her voice went from sad to angry "So, you don't want to live? Well, too bad, because you are going to. That's that. It has already been decided without you".

Still in his ocean of darkness, Jack thought _"if only saying made it so, Chloe"_

Chloe heard the door opening. A nurse was bringing Kim in a wheelchair.

"How is he?" Kim asked anxiously. She knew nothing had gone wrong, so her dad should be awake by now. But for some reason he wasn't.

"The same" Chloe answered sadly shaking her head. Then she left the room so Kim could have a moment alone with Jack.

Kim noticed how her father looked exactly as he did before the surgery, except for the bandages. She looked at the nurse "Do you think he can hear me?"

"Nobody can tell for sure". The nurse replied sincerely.

Jack felt confused and unsettled again. His mind couldn't recognize the other voices. And he didn't want Chloe to stop talking, for once. He needed to know more. How long had he been like this? Who else was visiting him?

"Daddy, it's me, Kim"

Once he received the information, his brain instantly connected the name to the voice. And he could actually feel her taking his hands between hers. He tried to open his eyes, but couldn't.

"I'm Okay. And I know I didn't do as you said. But I'm glad. I love you so much. I don't want to lose you. Now, please, wake up. I need you. And you have to meet Teri. Please. She wants to meet you very much."

That lost Jack completely. What was Kim saying about Teri? Teri died, because of him. Like everybody else he loved, which was the reason he hadn't wanted to live in the first place. What if Kim was next?

All the sudden, the constant "beeping" became just one long beep.

Kim freaked out and yelled for help.

Jack had no idea what was happening. The voices became more and louder, and he couldn't recognize any of them. Then he felt himself sinking deeper and deeper into that dark ocean.

Until, suddenly, everything was one bright white light. Then he could open his eyes.

_He looked around and was absolutely stunned when he realized he was standing in his old office, at the CTU building. But that was in L.A. And it didn't even exist anymore. Besides, he was the only person there. Through the glass of his office window he could see the work stations were empty. All of them. That never happened before. _

_Then he knew by instinct where he had to go. He went downstairs, and then down the hallway. For some reason, he ran until he reached the door of the room where Teri had died fourteen years ago, and he opened the door with the same urgency he had back then._

_Teri was there. But she was standing and smiling. She hadn't aged a day. Jack smiled too. His smile reached his eyes for the first time in ages. They hugged and melted in a kiss. Then she looked in his eyes, with her arms still around him. "So, Jack, I heard you been having a little bit of a rough time"._

_Jack smiled sweetly at her and nodded. "I just want it to be over" _

_Teri's smile then faded, and with her arms folded she asked, "What happened to you?"_

_"Long story short? Nina killed you. Everything went downhill from there"_

_Teri shook her head disapprovingly. "It didn't have to be that way" _

_"I know! I'm so sorry, Teri. I'm so sorry. I should have stopped her sooner. I should have never gotten involved with her in the first place. I'm so sorry"_

_"I meant for you, Jack. For you it didn't have to be that way. You could have moved on and you could have been happy. So, why didn't you?"_

_"I tried. It was so hard. But I tried to be happy. Until this kept happening again and again"_

_Now Teri seemed frustrated and about to lose her temper. She raised her hand, gesturing him to stop "enough! I don't want to hear any more about how you are cursed. That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard" _

_He looked down sadly shaking his head. Teri pulled him for a hug and rubbed circles in his back. "Jack, listen carefully. It wasn't your fault. Do you think you can control everything and everybody? Well, you can't. It's all about choices, right? Do you think you are the only one making them? Everything happens for a lot of reasons. Not just because one choice of yours. It's called fate" _

_Jack pondered a moment about those words. Then sighed "I really missed you, Teri" _

_"I miss you too. But you have to go back now. I'm just here so you could let me go" _

_"You are not here to take me with you?"His heart abruptly sunk to his feet._

"_No. I'm sorry. I know you wanted me to. But that's not part of the plan"_

"_Then, please, tell me what the damn plan is. What else has to happen?" _

"_Only the rest of your life"_

_He then felt exhausted all the sudden, "How long till it's really over?" _

"_Sorry, I'm not allowed to say. But I need a favor" _

_Jack held her tight and whispered, "Anything you want"_

"_Tell Kim I love her and that I'm always looking after my little namesake" after watching the confusion in Jack's face, she added amused "You'll understand when you wake up". _

"_Teri, please know that, no matter what, you will always be in my heart" _

"_And you remember this: you are meant to be happy, Jack Bauer. So if you have to go into another battle, fight for your destiny. You'll see how every mistake made turns out to be for the best"_

_She gave him one last kiss and disappeared._

Jack woke up, and found himself again in the hospital room. Only this time, he could open his eyes and look at his daughter, who had fallen asleep out of exhaustion on a chair by his bedside. He felt truly strange about the dream he had just had. He would never admit it to anyone. But he had a feeling that it had been real. Teri had truly shown up to encourage him to move on and to fight for his destiny, whatever that meant.

Kim woke up, and looked at her father, who was finally awake. She smiled widely and hugged him. Her eyes were damped with happy tears. "Dad! You… are awake"

"Yes. I am" He assured her with a smile.

For the first time ever, he was very happy she hadn't listened to him.

**TO BE CONTINUED…**

**(please, reviews are very welcomed!)**


	4. Lost and Found

**AUTHORS NOTE: **Thanks a lot for the big support!. I hope you enjoy this prequel. It's pretty much the first 15 chapters of the original stories but with a lot of editing, new lines and scenes.

It's been hinted in season 8 that in New York Jack lived in a room at Hotel Chelsea. But I have purposely chosen to ignore that fact. Instead, I had him buy an apartment in a building that is next to Hotel Chelsea. (I wanted to keep a similar address for that apartment to make it as similar to the show as possible). But even though, that was a change I made on purpose, you are welcome to correct any accidental mistake I may have made.

**SERIES: Everything went downhill from there**

**PART ONE: A total eclipse of the heart**

**Previously:**it was 2017- Jack wanted to die, but Kim saved him against his wishes and the cell steam treatment worked. While he was in a coma, he had a dream in which late Teri told him he still had a destiny to fulfill. When he woke up, he was actually happy to be alive. - Renee tried to kill herself and was extremely disappointed when she woke up in a hospital because her neighbor had rescued her_. _

**Disclaimer:** I don't own 24. It belongs to fox, Joel Surnow, Robert Cochran and Howard Gordon.

**CHAPTER 4:**

**LOST AND FOUND**

**Year 2017 - April 11****th**

**5**** PM - Washington DC. – CDC hospital**

Jack was brought back to and helped to get in bed after going through some medical exams. Then the nurse asked nicely "Mr. Bauer, are you feeling well enough to receive a visitor? There's an FBI Agent looking to see you"

Jack's heart began beating faster, with a mixture of excitement and nervousness. It had to be her. She hadn't shown up to see him yet. He was indeed more eager to see her again than he should be. "Okay", he whispered and nodded indicating the nurse to send the visitor in. Then he couldn't help to look down and smile a little. He heard the door opening and looked up expectantly. But it wasn't her. It was the same Hispanic male FBI Agent who had debriefed him the day he came down ill. He didn't remember his name, but he remembered the debriefing.

"Mr. Bauer, I'm glad to hear you are recovering" Agent Mizelli said politely, and then noticed Jack Bauer was just staring at him with deep confusion. "I'm Agent Roberto Mizelli, FBI. I was in charge of your debriefing…"

"I remember" Jack interrupted kind of rudely. "I'm sorry… it's that, I have a headache" The doctors had been cutting down the dose of morphine, and he was starting to feel some minor headaches. He only had told the nurse he was feeling well because he had thought the visitor was Renee.

"It's okay. I'm here to take your statement about what happened with Tony Almeida before he and Alan Wilson were arrested… but I can come back when you feel better"

"I'm fine. But, won't Agent Walker debrief me?" He said it as if it truly didn't matter much to him. And then he found masked her interest about Renee as professional. "She is running the investigation about the Prion-variant and the Sentox nerve gas conspiracies. And what happened is about that…"

Then the agent said awkwardly, "Well, Agent Walker is no longer with us. They had to let her go two weeks ago"

"What? How come?" Jack didn't hide his outrage. How could they fire the best agent they got?_ '__He has no reason at all to tell us who else was involved in the conspiracy. But I can make him talk'_ Renee's words about Alan Wilson suddenly came to his mind. Could it be…? The agent didn't reply. So Jack insisted firmly "What happened?"

"I'm sorry, sir. But that information is classified"

**April 12****th**** - 8 AM**

Jack was so restless. Remembering and talking about everything Tony had done to him, and his country, had been extremely hard. Tony was so dead to him, except Jack couldn't stop thinking about his betrayal, Wilson and Renee. He had been thinking about Renee a lot. Why hadn't she visited him or called him, at least? Why had she been fired? The agent wouldn't tell him. And he had no idea what the FBI had found out about Alan Wilson's cabal either. Then, a phone he had on his bedside begun ringing, distracting him from his thoughts. After he took the call, a woman he didn't know asked him to hold for the president. Then, he heard a very familiar voice.

"Jack? This is President Taylor. How are you?"

"Madam President, I'm recovering, it seems" Jack still couldn't believe he was alive.

"And I'm glad, Jack. I cannot begin to explain how relieved I'm to hear your voice" Allison told him honestly.

"Thank you, ma'am. I heard you had a very difficult time too, and I'm sorry. I don't know what to say."

"You don't have to say anything. Just tell me… Is there anything I can do for you?"

He was so glad she had asked. It was uncomfortable for him to ask, but he needed something. "In fact, madam, there is one thing… The FBI arrested Alan Wilson, a man in charge of developing the prion variant I got infected with, and six years ago he masterminded the Sentox nerve gas conspiracy. But all information's been classified…"

"And you want access to that information" Allison interrupted him guessing immediately what he wanted. Jack had been deeply involved in investigating both conspiracies Wilson had been implicated in. So, without missing a beat, she told him "I totally understand, Jack. I'll have Tim send you the file."

"Thank you, ma'am. I truly appreciate it"

"Thank _you_ for saving my life"

"It was truly my honor, Madam President"

**9 AM**

She was standing on the sidewalk, right across the street from the hospital in which he was right at that moment. Jack was alive and fully awake. He had survived against all possible odds. It was a wonderful miracle. If she crossed the street, entered the hospital and searched for his room, she could see him. In reality, she was dying to see him again. However, something was holding her back. It was as if she were paralyzed. She just stood there and stared at the building with a blank expression. She was in fact scared. She didn't know why, but out of the blue, she felt completely terrified. Moved by one irrational impulse, she ran far away from the hospital as fast as she could. She ran until she ran out from air and had to stop and lean against a wall. And then she cried bitterly.

**9.30**

Jack opened the brown envelope labeled 'CONFIDENTIAL' and began going through the content. On the first pages it was explained how Alan Wilson was '_the owner of a controlling interest in a dozen private military firms_', '_the most influential co-conspirator in the development of the __prion variant__, a lethal pathogen outlawed by the __United Nations__._', '_A silent partner of __Starkwood__ executive __Jonas Hodges__ in the harvesting of the pathogen_' and that six years ago Wilson had '_Masterminded the Sentox nerve gas conspiracy_'. It was nothing Jack didn't know already. But in the following pages he learned some facts that were new to him.

'_Wilson was taken into __FBI__ custody, but the electronics devises he carried at that time deleted their own contents, making all data irretrievable. However, the evidence against him, and other co-conspirators, was found on a personal computer. The existence and location of that computer, in one office from which he secretly operate, as well as the password to access to it were revealed by Wilson himself after Special Agent Renee Walker….'_

Jack couldn't give credit to his eyes when he read what followed, and his shock grew as he watched the pictures of Wilson. It just couldn't be. Renee had not actually done that. Sure, he had done the same, or much worse, many-many times… but he knew by experience what it was like going down that road, crossing that line. _'Look at yourself, you have lost everyone and everything you ever had by doing what you think is necessary. I won't let you do it to her, Bauer. Renee will not end up like you.'_ Larry Moss's harsh words came rushing back to Jack's head.

He blinked nervously a few times and shook his head, completely on denial. He felt like such an asshole. On the day they had met, he had seen it clearly in her eyes. He had seen how hard she was struggling with herself. He had seen the fierce battle between her willingness to solve the crisis and her sense of fair play. He had seen what it was doing to her. However, when she had needed desperately his advice, all he had come up with was '_try to make choices that you can live with_'. He couldn't believe it. _Yeah, thanks for nothing, Jack, _he thought to himself. But now that he was alive, he could make things right. He could at least be a better friend for her than he had been.

**Meanwhile…**

Right then she wasn't feeling anything except the shaking of the train that was taking her back to Arlington, Virginia. She knew she had done the right thing. What good would come from them seeing each other again? She wanted desperately to forget that day. And surely he wanted to forget it too. It had been a horrible day for both of them, after all. They had met once and, suddenly, all kinds of terrible things had happened. Things she didn't even want to think about. Completely numb, she focused on her own reflection in the window of the wagon. Something about her image was wrong, she couldn't tell why. But it made her unsettle. Abruptly, the ring-tone of her cell phone took her away from her thoughts. She stared at the little screen showing the ID of the caller 'J BAUER'. She kept staring at it. Once again she was terrified and, for the life of hers, she didn't understand why. But long after he had hung up, she impulsively checked her voice mails and heard the message he had left. _"Renee? It's me… Well, Kim decided to go ahead with the treatment after all… so… I'm here… and I really want to talk to you, please. We really need to talk… I heard about the incident at the FBI… please, just talk to me" _

Hearing his voice brought back a thousand of different feelings she had deep inside her. But that was precisely what Renee didn't want. She didn't want to feel anything and, above all, she didn't want to talk about what had happened. She was afraid she wouldn't be able to handle it. Indeed, she had scars on her wrists proving she wasn't capable of dealing with anything related with her past. She turned her cell off and put it away. A single tear rolled from her eye through her cheek, but she swiftly brushed it away. The blood inside her turned into ice once again.

**10 AM**

Dr. Macer wheeled Kim into Jack's room. Normally, a nurse would be in charge of that. But since the doctor needed to talk to both of them anyway, she decided to do it herself as she explained the younger woman "You seem to be recovering perfectly, Mrs. Calloway. You might be ready to be discharged this afternoon."

"I'm glad" Kim replied with a smile. Then he looked at her father "and how are you feeling, dad?"

It was weird hearing somebody calling Kim 'Mrs. Calloway', but in a good way though. It was wonderful seeing how much she had grown up. He half-smiled and replied "I'm fine, sweetheart. I just feel a small headache"

Macer looked at her patient's last MIR and smiled pleased. Then she explained calmly "That's normal, Mr. Bauer. You still need time to heal completely and we've cut down the morphine. But you are making an impressive progress" She smiled at Jack and his daughter genuinely happy for both of them. Then she suggested, "I would like to talk to both of you about the future of the treatment…"

"Sure… what happens now?" Jack inquired, hoping Kim wouldn't be in trouble again.

"You'll need a lumbar puncture each month, so the steam cells we have already collected from Kimberly can be injected in your cerebrospinal fluid. So the cells can heal your central nervous system. And you'll have frequent MRIs to monitor your progress"

"Kim's part is over" He sighed absolutely relieved.

"Dad!" Kim protested, not liking how that had sounded. Did her dad want her out of his life again? "My part is not over. I want to be there for you and take care of you"

"I know, sweetie. I meant they won't do any more risky procedures on you."

Knowing how much Jack cared about his daughter's safety, Sunny explained "we won't have to. We kept steam cells that can be reproduced in a lab, to be used in the following lumbar punctures"

Then Jack wondered "So… do we do that in this hospital…?"

"I'm afraid that's not possible. We don't normally do this here. Bryden University is sponsoring Beth Israel Medical center, in New York, to carry out the investigation with this experimental procedure."

Kim got immediately upset over the fact that her dad couldn't go to California. "But we are from L.A." She protested weakly. Then she sighed frustrated and said "For how long will he need to continue the treatment?"

"If everything goes well, about a year…" Sunny then gave him some brochures with information about his treatment and discretely left the room, realizing Jack and Kim needed privacy to discuss the new information.

"So, we are moving to New York then", Kim said still trying to process it. She wasn't crazy about the prospect of moving from L.A. But what other option did she have? She wanted to look after her dad.

"Sweetheart, you don't have to…"

She interrupted sharply, "I want to, dad. I won't leave you alone."

"But your entire life is in California…" Jack tried in vain to object.

"Steve and I can work something out" Kim assured him. Then she realized her dad still didn't know the most important thing about her life. She had wanted him to feel stronger before dropping such an emotional bomb on him. As gently as she could, she broke the big news. "Dad, there's something I didn't tell you. But it's good though… something great... I… I have a daughter"

Jack was indeed absolutely shocked. For a moment, she just stared at Kim, blinking nervously, in absolute disbelief. He opened his mouth a couple of times trying to say something, anything. But no words could actually come out his mouth. Then he was finally able to mutter dumbly "does that mean I'm a grandpa?"

Kim clucked and nodded. "Well… yeah. That's how it works"

Jack huffed in disbelief. He took a moment to let the news truly sink in. But it was hard because his headache suddenly became too intense, he winced in pain. "I'm sorry, sweetie. I'm happy… it's just… my head"

Kim got instantly alarmed. "I'll call a nurse"

"No, wait… Dr. Macer said it's normal…" He massaged circles on his temples and took a few deep breaths. He hated himself for ruining this moment. He tried to smile despite his pain. These were wonderful news after all. "I'm sorry… please, tell me more about her…"

Making an effort to say it casually, she told him "well… her name is Teri" Naturally, Teri was actually short for Theresa, but nobody had ever called either Teri by their full names.

"What?" Jack interrupted kind of abruptly. He found that unsettling for some reason. His head was aching more as he grumbled without truly thinking "But… but… isn't that too… confusing?"

Kim bit her lower lip and looked down nervously. It had never occurred before how the name of her child could be weird for her father. Kim had wanted to honor her mother, to keep her legacy alive. She had never found it weird or unsettling in any way. Besides, for her it wasn't painful to remember her mother anymore. She tried to forget that horrible day of her death and the petty arguments. But she liked thinking about the good things. She pointed out gently "It's not confusing… mom will always be… mom. And Teri is… Teri"

"But for me 'Teri' is your mom!" Jack snapped, not truly getting why he was so edgy or why was he making such a big deal out of it. He knew he was overreacting, but couldn't control himself. His head ached badly.

Kim sighed. She wished her father's reaction had been better. But he had just woken up from a coma and gotten very emotional news. Not to mention he was still sick, and that little time had passed since the day Bill Buchanan died and Tony turned out to be a terrorist. So Kim was willing to cut her dad some slack. "If you want, you can call my daughter Tessa" She suggested nicely, and then added "Her full name is Theresa Calloway Bauer"

"Right" Jack whispered still overwhelmed with a thousand of different emotions and a terrible headache.

"Daddy, I should get Doctor Macer…" Kim pushed the bottom to call for help. Soon, a nurse rushed to see what was wrong and then went to get the doctor.

Moments later, Sunny entered quickly into the room, "What's wrong?"

"His headaches are too intense!" Kim whined, freaking out.

Sunny was slightly concerned. "It just takes time. But we gave him pandopamine for the symptoms..."

"It's not working!" Jack protested very loudly, not meaning to be rude but feeling truly miserable.

"I can see" Sunny said understandably. "I can give you small doses of morphine for the pain"

As a recovery drug addict Jack wasn't supposed to take any medication stronger than an aspirin. He had once fought and won a hard battle against his addiction to heroine. He had remained clean for years. When he had become mortally ill Dr. Macer had given pandopamine to mask the symptoms of his condition and then morphine to make his agony easier on him. He had taken it. After all, he was a dying man at the time. His past addiction wasn't even an issue in consideration under those circumstances. Now he was in too much pain to even think about that. So he just babbled "do that, please"

**April 13****th**

**2**** PM – Arlington, Virginia**

It was the fourth time she went to the hospital but didn't dare to face him. This time, she had made it to the first floor and everything. But the smell of disinfectant for some strange reason made her too sick. She had pathetically thrown up on the floor. After that, she had to run away again embarrassed and terrified.

She arrived to her apartment in one nervous wreck. She hastily went to get a bottle of Chardonnay, her father's favorite drink. It was the only alcoholic drink that could truly relaxed her at that moment. The only one that didn't carried bad memories. She poured herself a glass. She had once upon a time gotten used to drink a hell lot of scotch and vodka, on daily basis, but those drinks disgusted her deeply. White wine had little effect on her, but she loved the flavor. She began drinking glass after glass. In the process, she dodged another call from Jack. After the fifth glass of wine, she felt relaxed enough to at least handle hearing the message he had left.

"_Hey, Renee… it's me, Jack. Look, I'm truly sorry about everything I've put you through; I don't blame you for not wanting to talk to me ever again._ _But I really need to talk to you."_ Renee was perplexed. Did Jack honestly think she blamed him for everything that had happened on the day they met? For a second, she thought about calling him back, if anything, to correct his gross misunderstanding. But then, she heard the rest of the message. "_I have just found out about you… about how you tried to… end everything. And I know how you feel. Please, call me" _

She wasn't even surprised that he knew. It simply reminded her why she couldn't see him ever again. She didn't want him to see her as damaged, as weak. She turned off the cell phone. Then she took what was left of the bottle and the glass to the bathroom. Once the bathtub was full with hot water, she undressed and got inside it. She loved submerging her body in hot water, she always found it relaxing. So she took a bath as she kept drinking.

**11. 30 AM**** - Washington DC**

Kim was showing her dad tons of pictures of his adorable granddaughter. Jack was practically hypnotized looking at a picture of the baby on the very same day of her birth. A lot of memories of Kim as a newborn flooded his head. "Sweetheart, she was so tiny, and perfect… like you were… your mom and I couldn't stop staring at you"

Kim looked down sadly. "It makes me so sad that she's missing this. I wish she were here."

Jack then recalled that strange dream in which Teri had told him he was meant to be happy. It had felt so real, as if he had actually talked to her. He didn't dare sharing that dream with anybody, not even his daughter. He would sound crazy. But he told Kim what he knew was true, "she is, sweetheart. Trust me, she is here. And if she could, I bet she'd tell you she's always looking after your little girl" He then exchanged a smile with his daughter.

A nurse came in to change his bandages and give him the medications. After greeting them both nicely, she told him "Mrs. Calloway, your husband and your daughter are here"

Kim gave her dad a concerned look, "Dad, are you ready for me to bring them in?" Her father nodded. So she stood up and walked outside the room. As soon as she did, she heard the familiar little voice.

As soon as she saw her mommy, little Teri escaped her dad's hold and ran towards her yelling loudly "Mommy!"

But Kim couldn't lift her up yet, because of her recent surgery. So Stephen quickly chased after Teri and picked her up. The toddler protested "I want mommy!"

Kim caressed her short blond hair and gave her kisses on her cheeks. "I'm here, sweetie. But I can't pick you up. Remember that I'm just a little bit sick? But I love you very much, and I'll get better so soon" She embraced both, her husband and the little kid. Then she kissed Steve on the mouth softly. She had truly missed her husband.

"So, how are you, honey?" He asked with concern about his wife.

"I'm okay. It's great having him back" Then with a lot of excitement, she told Teri "so, let's meet Grandpa Jack… but he's a bit sick too, so you can't yell, promise?"

In preparation for meeting his granddaughter, Jack had gotten help from the nurse to look the best he could. He was shaved, clean and had decent pajamas instead of a hospital gown. He had also candies and a stuffed bear for the child. He felt truly nervous, not knowing what to expect. When the three Calloways walked in, the little one was quiet at first, simply looking around with curiosity.

Steve was truly nervous about meeting his father in law. He was just a nerdy accountant for a big advertising company. What would a guy like Jack Bauer think of him? As he held Teri with one arm, he shook Jack's hand politely, intending a hard handshake. "I'm Stephen Calloway. It's great to finally meet you, sir" He said almost militarily, to Jack and Kim's amusement. Then he softened "and she is your granddaughter Theresa" He purposely avoided the use of 'Teri' to prevent making Jack upset.

"Nice meeting you both" Jack said, still stunned as she looked at the child. The pictures had not prepared him to see Teri's eyes again. Those were her same eyes, only that they were in a little child with lovely chubby cheeks, who had Kim's blonde hair and his nose. "Wow, you are very-very pretty."

"My mommy… My daddy" Teri said with her little finger pointing at Kim and Steve stressing 'my'. Currently she was in that phase of establishing her possession over everything she wanted.

"Oh, I know that, sweetie… and I'm your grandpa Jack" He told her with a smile, the first smile that actually reached his eyes in a very long time. '_Grandpa Jack_', honestly, he had never thought he would see the day.

"My grandpa Jack" Teri repeated pointing at him, to show off she had learned something new.

"Show your grandpa what you made for him" Steve encouraged, and Teri gave Jack a folded piece of paper.

Jack unfolded it. In the paper, Steve had written '_get well soon, Grandpa Jack!_' and Teri had made some doodles all around the words. She had simply doodled in purple stuff Jack couldn't decipher. But it was a drawing from his granddaughter, so he couldn't help chocking up like an old softie. "Oh… It's so beautiful, thank you so much… and I have presents for you" he said as he gave her the teddy bear and the candies.

"yay! My presents!" The Toddler exclaimed excited. And then he hugged the teddy bear "pretty"

"Now, sweetie, can you say thank you grandpa Jack?" Kim reminded her daughter.

"Thank you, Grandpa Jack" Teri said smiling sweetly.

Jack kissed the kid's forehead. Then Steve sat the child next to him, on the bed, so he could embrace her for the very first time. "You are welcome, Teri". All prior reservations regarding the name went off the window. That child had immediately conquered his heart. Jack was marveled. It was such a miracle. Something he had desired for so long. Something he had thought it was impossible. But he had his family back.

**8 PM – Arlington, Virginia**

"_Hey, it's me… again… I know you don't want to talk to me. I'll respect that. I promise. Of course if you ever change your mind you can call me. But in case I don't see you anymore… I have to say thank you. Thank you so much for telling Kim the truth and disarming that bomb. You saved my life. I'll never forget that. I wish you all the best and I'm truly sorry that I hurt you. Well… I guess this is goodbye_"

It was the tenth time she re-played the message she had received that afternoon. His last one. She was in her bed, not tired at all, and the only thing she wanted to do was listening to that message. Actually, that was the way she wanted him to remember her, as the woman who had saved his life. It was better this way. It was better if he simply remembered her fondly as Agent Walker.

**YEAR 2018 **

**March 12****th**** - Arlington, Virginia**

**9AM**

It wasn't unusual that she had trouble sleeping. But to make matter worse for the past couple of days the menstrual cramping was just too strong. It hurt so badly. Her period had never hurt as bad. She was miserable. So at 3 am she had taken a bunch of strong painkillers that had completely knocked her out. As she began waking up, she could hear the sound of her phone ringing. Without thinking clearly, she picked up. "Yeah?"

"Miss Walker? It's Nathan Braden"

That was her boss at the private security company she worked for, 'Ridge Global'. She really had to try to get fully awake. What time was it? "Oh, Mr. Braden…"

"You had the appointment for your psychological evaluation an hour ago"

"Oh… right… and I'm so sorry I missed it. But I'm truly sick" That last part was true.

"Miss Walker, all our employees had to be evaluated. Now, during the five months you've worked for us, you have somehow managed to miss every appointment you got. And I have looked the other way for far too long because you are good at your job. But that's enough. Stop making excuses"

"I'm very sick" She assured him.

"Last week you said your mother died"

"And she did" she snapped, without truly thinking.

"Yes, on 2008. I looked it up" He snapped back, tired of the woman's attitude.

"You never asked when." She groaned, with a sarcastic tone.

"Miss. Walker, I'm gonna give you a warning for taking a sick day without properly notifying it. But if you don't show up for the evaluation, don't even bother coming to work anymore"

"Fine" she groaned and hung up. She rolled to the other side of her bed and tried to go back to sleep. As if she cared about that stupid job anyway. She didn't even like it. She had taken it only because she desperately needed to keep his mind busy. But she wouldn't talk to some shrink. It was the last thing she wanted. She didn't want to think, let alone talk, about her personal problems. She was barely existing and not actually alive. She had neither focus nor direction. And she truly didn't know how to have something similar to a life worth living.

Renee thought about turning to Jack more times she would like to admit. His wisdom and guidance would have meant the world to her, since he had practically written the book about starting over after hitting bottom. But she would rather die than letting him see who she had become. Besides she was sure he didn't even care about her anymore anyway. Why would he? They had known each other for only one day, a year ago.

**March 18****th****, Sunday**

**5.30 AM – Manhattan- Penn Station **

Getting a train ticket to New York had been such a weird impulse. Completely out of the blue, she had taken a backpack and put in it some underwear, a makeup case, an extra set of jeans, her cell phone, her sun glasses and a wallet with her money, credit card and her savings account card. She had also made sure to take the only two things she could never replace: a silver rosary and an old copy of "the art of war". She needed nothing else.

After a three-and-a-half-hour trip she arrived to Penn Station. She got down the train and look in every store inside the station for anything that might help her be less recognizable in case, God forbid it, she ran into someone from the mob. Sadly, it wasn't winter, so her options were extremely limited. She looked at some baseball caps to hide her hair. The one she got was black and had the famous "I LOVE NEW YORK" (with the word "love" replaced with a heart). She hated those stupid things for tourists, but there weren't many other choices inside the station. Of course she knew the cap wouldn't really fool anybody. But it was still better than nothing. She knew she was looking very far from good, but she cared too little about her aspect.

She went to the bathroom and coiled her hair up together with a hairpin. It still looked messy. Then she covered her head with the baseball cup, leaving loose only two locks of red hear, one in each side of her face. Renee slipped her sun glasses on as she exited the station to the fifth avenue. Suddenly, Renee found herself back in the place where her life had started going downhill: New York City. She actually hated to be there. It was where she had lost herself. It was where she had lost James. It was where Vladimir lived, his territory. But she was in a truly desperate state. And she knew of someone trustworthy who could help her leave the country.

She then walked a few blocks and took the subway to Brooklyn Heights. After a long ride in the subway, she finally arrived at her friend's house and knocked his door, hoping he'd be home.

Leon Craig was still living in Brooklyn, still working undercover with the Russians. He had been the only FBI agent she could report to during her undercover mission, five years before, since he had been the agent in charge of it. He was well connected. He could help her leave the country without leaving breadcrumbs on her way out. And he already knew everything there was to know about her. Nothing she could confide him would shock him.

Leo opened the door and was pleasantly surprised to see the lady before him. But in case somebody was watching, he maintained a poker face and said, "What can I do for you?"

"I need to fly really high. What do you have for me?" She said, knowing she couldn't expose his cover.

"I have some old fashioned snow"

"That is so 80's! I love it" She said relieved because offering cocaine meant he was alone. If he had offered heroine, it would have meant somebody who knew Vladimir was there.

But even when he was alone, Leo could never be too careful. He took her to his secret basement. The only part of his house where he was sure they could talk freely. Once there, he gave her a friendly hug. "It's so good to see you, gorgeous. They told me you were in serious trouble"

Renee nodded and told him about everything she had lost: her job at the FBI, her mind, Jack, then another job and ultimately her mind again. She sighed and concluded "So, there I was, trying to decide whether to put a gun on my mouth or my head inside an oven, when, suddenly, I had a different idea. But I need your help, Leo"

Leo looked at her thoughtfully and extremely concerned, "Renee, I'm not sure what I can do for you".

"I need to leave the country. If only you could facilitate me a new identity so I can disappear and start over" then she took his hand and added seriously "Leo, my new identity has to fool even the FBI and the CTU", with that, she was highlighting just how radical the change had to be.

Leo looked at her worriedly "Renee, What the hell are you planning?"

"Nothing, I swear. I won't do anything bad. I just want to disappear from the world. Have a fresh start"

He took a moment to think of her dilemma. He actually knew a way she could leave the country in a way nobody would ever know where she was or who she was. He honestly thought it was the craziest thing for her to do, but if Renee decided that was what she wanted, he knew better than trying to stop her. "I know some people, abroad, who can facilitate new documentation. They are good at what they do. And they trust me" he made a long pause, sighed sadly, and then asked her seriously "Renee, Do you really want to just run away defeated?

"That's not what I would be doing. Look, I don't want to give up. That's why want to disappear and start a brand new life, one worth living for. Just help me do that, please"

He certainly didn't think running away was the answer. But he owed Renee a lot. He couldn't deny her any favor. "Okay, but I need some time to contact the people who can do it and make the arrangements. I'll probably contact you again in a couple of weeks"

"I know I'm asking too much. But I can't stay around too long" If she ran into Vladimir, all hell would break loose.

"I'm sorry, Renee. But contacting this people and getting them take a job is harder than you'd think. They are extremely careful. But you can stay in a hotel I know, it's in Manhattan. It's safe, and far away from the places where the Russians normally operate".

That would have to do for the moment, Renee thought. Then she'd start her new life. "By the way, these people abroad who will give me my new identity, where are they exactly?" She was anxious to know where she would have to start her new life.

"Learn German" Leo simply told her giving her the answer.

Renee smiled with satisfaction and said, "_Danke_!"* (_thank you in German_)

**YEAR 2018 – ****March 20****th****, Tuesday **

**6 AM****- Chelsea, New York City – Jack's apartment **

Jack woke up after a nice night of sleep. He walked to open his bedroom window. It wasn't too hot yet, and it was not longer cold either. It was March. Spring was his favorite season since he had moved to New York. He had bought a small apartment at 18th Street, between the 7th and 8th Avenue. He thought it was a good investment.

As a child, Jack had been told to hate New York City; his father was always saying it was a place for "art freaks, uptight liberals, or homos". Of course, Jack learned early in his life that his dad was an idiot full of crap. But he had never been too attracted to the East Coast anyway. He had been truly crazy about California his entire life.

Now, at the age of fifty two he was growing to truly love Manhattan. Who'd figured?

After going to the bathroom, He took the treadmill he kept folded under his bed. Then he unfolded it and set it in the living room, in front of the TV. He spent an hour on the treadmill, while watching the CNN.

Some pictures of the president with other world leaders were on TV. For once, the reporters had stopped nagging President Taylor about her divorce. Now they seemed to be talking about some peace initiative. A deal was to be debated (and hopefully signed) at the UN headquarters. President Omar Hassan, President of the Islamic Republic of Kamistan, wanted to make peace with the United States and Russia by giving up its nuclear arms programs and terrorist affiliations. And President Allison Taylor was fully invested in making this agreement happen. But they needed the full support of the United Nations, and some countries were hesitant to sign the agreement.

"_It seems that Russia is threatening to withdraw its support to the accords, once again. But State Secretary, Ethan Kanin, is on his way to Moscow to meet President Suvarov. The White House remains optimistic about getting all the support needed for the agreement in the next eight weeks._"

Peace in the Middle East? Jack shook his head amazed that people still thought such thing was possible. Anyway, it was somebody else's problem now. He switched to another news station, in which they were reporting about a hostage situation. But nothing to worry about, it had already been taken care off. Not by him, for once. Some lunatic teen had highjacked a bus just for money. But the fifteen hostages had been rescued alive. Wait, fifteen? That number called Jack's attention.

"_I see fifteen people held hostage on a bus, everything else goes out the window" _He recalled saying those words to Renee. Jack sighed deeply and wondered what she could be up to now. He really wished she had taken his phone calls. His rejection had hurt him so badly. He kept thinking about her until he noticed the sun was already bighting the day. He stopped running. It was 7.30. He had completely lost track of time lost in thoughts.

He loved how he could do that now. The best part of being retired was how he could do things like running on his treadmill, working out in the gym or jogging at the park. He liked to work out too keep his body as strong as possible. He had also found a place to practice shooting, but he did it just for fun.

He went to the bathroom to take a quick shower. But he started feeling a small headache. So he took the mirror off the wall and placed it carefully on the floor. Then he searched into the relatively small secret hole he had made in the wall and took the medical case he was hiding in it. From the box, he picked a syringe and loaded it with a liquid solution he kept in a bottle. It was a strong analgesic he had been using for the last year. As he had done many times before, he tied a rubber tube around his arm, searched for a good vain, and inserted the needle into his forearm. Once he was done, he put everything back in its place and covered the wall with the mirror again. He took a shower and waited for the drug to kick in. He felt so much better.

Afterwards, he headed to the kitchenette. He wanted to have breakfast ready for Steve and the girls by the time they came. He was planning to prepare pancakes with honey. Little Teri's favorite. A few minutes later, his daughter called from her cell to let him know they were about to get to his place. So Jack went downstairs, to the lobby, and waited for until Kim, Steve and Teri arrived.

Kim lived with little Teri in an apartment uptown. But Steve had to stay living in L.A. because of his job. He had been promoted to head of the finances department. However, the couple had managed well with the long distance. Steve could visit Kim every other weekend. There were also holidays and long weekends. If he couldn't visit her, she visited him. But Kim had always promised her husband she'd move back to L.A. for good as soon as her dad finished his treatment. She had already made arrangements to go back to her home in two months. Jack's cell steam treatment would end in six weeks. But Kim wanted to stay two more weeks in case something turned out to be wrong in Jack's very last check up MIR. Besides, Steve had taken vacations anyway; he was already in New York and would leave with Kim and Teri when they moved back to California indefinitely

"Grandpa Jack!" The little girl yelled with excitement as she ran to Jack's arms. In one quick motion, he lifted her up high taking her by her waist until she was above his head and gave a full turn. Teri laughed hysterically. Then the four of them went upstairs, and had breakfast.

An hour later, the grownups were having a second cup of coffee while Teri was having fun with crayons and a coloring book. Kim looked at Steve and gave him a soft kick under the table. He said awkwardly "eh, Jack, we need a favor, if you don't mind, of course… See, Kim and I have been invited to a wedding in Vermont. Our friends Jamie and Sam are getting married"

"That's great. But don't they live right in your building, Kim? Why are they getting married in Vermont?"

"Dad, Jamie and Sam are both men. James and Samuel. It's a gay wedding"

Of course it was. He was talking to Kim, the liberal, after all. "Oh, I see. But I don't understand what's the favor"

"Well, Vermont is so romantic that Steve and I wanted to go alone and stay for the night, as a romantic getaway. So, we need you to have Teri here for a couple of days."

Jack was amazed Kim was willing to trust him with her child after all the horrible things that had happened around him. He stood up, and took Kim to his bedroom to talk alone with her. Not wanting Teri to hear him. "Kim, are you sure it's a good idea to leave her alone with me?"

Kim could tell her dad was terrified. But she didn't understand why he was so scared. "Dad, you love Teri. You love spending time with her. You two always have fun together"

"But you are always here too. I never had to look after her without backups for that long". At most, he had only taken care of little Teri for a couple of hours by himself so far. Never for "a couple of days". And what did he, Jack Bauer, really know about kids? He had one thirty years ago. That was all. And back then his wife had always been around to look after Kim.

Kim couldn't believe this powerful man in front of her, who had fought against countless terrorists, the Chinese government, his own dad, Mexican drug dealers and even the president of the United States, was now scared of looking after a three year old. "What's the big deal?" she asked stunned.

"What if something bad happens while she's with me?" He couldn't stand the mere thought of it.

"Daddy, it's gonna be fine. You can definitely do this. I trust you. And you know you are Teri's favorite grandfather" That was a cheap trick, but worked exactly as Kim had expected.

"Ok. I can do it". Jack said with new gained confidence.

"Great, thank you. We'll leave in an hour and come back the day after tomorrow". She said with relief. Not only did she and her husband needed desperately to spend some quality time alone, but she was also hoping that spending more time with Teri would make going back to L.A. more tempting for Jack. She had asked him to move back with them, but she still had no answer. It was driving her insane.

**2 PM - CENTRAL PARK**

Little Teri definitely knew what she wanted and she wouldn't stop until she got it. After lunch time, she had insisted on going to the Central Park. So, there they were… a precocious toddler and a retired CTU agent in a 40 blocks-long park. What could possibly go wrong? After taking the kid to the carrousel, he took her hand firmly as they walked through the park uptown. Then Teri saw an ice cream seller and begged her grandpa for a chocolate ice cream. Jack agreed, and he felt like having one as well.

"Two chocolate ice creams, please" said, and as he searched into his pocket for his wallet and paid for the ice creams, foolishly letting Teri's hand go. When he turned around to give her the ice cream… she wasn't there.

"Damn it!" he yelled throwing angrily the ice creams in nearby trash can as he started a frenetic search for his granddaughter. He knew she couldn't have gone very far. But anything was possible. What was he thinking? There were dozens of people around; anyone could be a pedophile, a drug dealer, a kidnaper, a terrorist or an assassin.

Little Teri was oblivious of all the dangers she could encounter in the world. When her grandpa let her hand go, she decided to run towards that huge lake in the park. She wanted to see a duck. The toddler was giggling and running very fast excitedly. Then she suddenly noticed her grandpa was nowhere around. She started to sob felling scared. At that moment some lady approached her looking concerned.

"Hi, princess, are you lost?" The toddler nodded and continued sobbing. "Can you remember where you were before?" the woman asked nicely. Teri started crying and trying to explain something. All the woman understood was 'Grandpa', 'Ice creams' and 'run fast'."Ok, I'll help you find your grandpa. How does that sound?" she asked sweetly offering her hand. The little girl nodded and took the woman's hand.

Jack was searching near the carrousel, thinking the little girl had decided to go back there. But then he remembered this week Teri had an obsession with ducks. So he ran as fast as he could towards the lake and searched there. To his massive relief he saw his granddaughter. But the little kid was talking to a stranger. Just like he was afraid of, his beloved little Teri was with some lady who could easily be a lunatic, a drug dealer, a kidnaper, a terrorist or an assassin.

He ran towards them and stopped dryly when he saw who the woman actually was, not giving credit to his eyes.

Little Teri was talking to no other than former FBI agent Renee Walker.

**TO BE CONTINUED…**

**(Please, tell me what you think!)**


	5. I heart New York

**AUTHORS NOTE: **Thanks a lot for the big support!

Special thanks to Jack Napier for his idea of turning the first chapters into a prequel. That's giving me the opportunity to improve the beginning of the story before continuing with the second part.

By the way, Little Teri seems to be slightly above three in day 8. She was quite precocious. Here she's 3 and a half.

**SERIES: Everything went downhill from there**

**PART ONE: A total eclipse of the heart**

**Previously:** It's march 2018. Renee is planning to leave the country without leaving any trace. She went to New York so a friend can help her do that, using a secret German organization. Jack is happy living in Manhattan, but he wonders if he should go back to L.A. to stay close to his family. Then, on his first time ever looking after little Teri by himself, he loses her in the central park. When he found her, Teri was actually talking with Renee Walker.

**CHAPTER 5:**

**I (HEART) NY**

**CENTRAL PARK**

'Grandpa!' Teri yelled with excitement when she saw her grandfather and rushed to his arms. Jack was extremely relieved to see she was okay. He picked her up, and noticing she had been crying, brushed softly the kid's tears from her cheeks and eyelashes.

Then Jack and Renee silently looked into each other's eyes for a brief moment. She was astonished to see him actually standing merely a few steps away from her. And something was even more astonishing: he had a granddaughter. Even though she had avoided him for the last year, now that she was actually looking at him, she felt truly glad. Her surprise turned into joy. At least, she felt the limited version joyfulness she was capable of feeling given her current condition. But she smiled at him sincerely. "Hey, Jack. It's so great to see you".

"I'm glad to see you too." He replied smiling back at her. Then, he added somberly "It's been so long"

His tone and his eyes were revealing slightly that he had felt hurt by her dodging of his calls. She was so embarrassed. Jack used to contact the President of the United States in a matter of seconds. Hence, he knew she had avoided him on purpose. There was no decent explanation to why she hadn't returned his calls. "Yeah, I'm sorry about that. It just, you know…." What could she say? She didn't have any decent excuse. So she decided to make none. There was only one truth she wanted to tell him. "But I was so glad when I heard you were okay"

"Thank you" Jack replied, noticing she had meant that. But he couldn't truly understand why she had ditched his calls and avoided contacting him. Was it because she hated him for dragging her in the wrong direction that day? Under his influence she had done things she despised. Not to mention his former best friend had murdered Larry. It was frankly the only reason he could think off for her wanting nothing to do with him, and a valid one in his eyes. That day she didn't seem to blame him for any of those things, but then she stopped talking to him. So, what else could he think?

Thankfully, before the conversation could get truly awkward, little Teri interrupted innocently, asking with surprise "grandpa, she is your friend?"

"Yes, I met her long while ago. But I had no idea she would be here", he said to Teri but looking directly at Renee instead. Not-subtly implying he wanted to know what the former FBI agent was doing in New York.

But she just addressed the child with a friendly smile, "I'm Renee. What's your name, princess?"

"Teri" the kid said with none of the shyness toddlers usually felt while first meeting an unfamiliar adult.

"Kim named her after her mom" Jack explained felling a bit uncomfortable for some reason.

"Oh, well, that's a lovely name" Renee told the child, with the little enthusiasm she was capable of feeling those. It was indeed nice and sweet from Kim from honor her mom like that. But she felt so sad when she thought about Jack's late wife. She recalled unfairly accusing him of not feeling anything over his wife's death. For a second, she wondered if Jack would ever fall in love like that again.

"Thanks. And, Teri, you're lucky my friend Renee found you. I told we could go out only if you never left my side".

"Grandpa, can we have ice creams now?" the little girl said, purposely changing the subject. She made a sweet face that always made adults do anything she wanted. It worked every time.

"Only if you promise not to leave my side again" Jack made a pathetic intend to sound strict. As if he could ever deny that child anything.

"I promise grandpa, please". She made a sad face and dragged the 'e' while saying that.

Renee smiled thinking little Teri was the cutest child ever. But she was now felling like an unwanted intruder, so she announced casually "Well, I should leave now".

"No way" Jack protested disappointed, then suggested "Why don't you come for ice creams with us?"

Now that they had seen each other again for the first time in fourteen months, he wanted to have a chance to talk to her about what had happened the day she left the FBI. He could easily tell she was still not doing really well. First, she had lost a few pounds and she looked pale and tired in spite of her makeup. Besides, the colors of the clothes she was wearing were gloomy. But the most alarming sign of her depression was the fact that her formerly gorgeous and impeccable bright red hair of hers was now pined up together messily. Plus she had colored it dark auburn, instead of keeping her lighter Irish-red. Plus, she was trying to hide her hair under a silly baseball cap.

Renee shook her head uncomfortably. She didn't want to spoil Jack's time with his granddaughter and the idea of being around him any longer made her inexplicably uneasy. His mere presence was already making her heart beat faster and her legs weak to the point she could barely stand. Not having seen him for so long had somehow made her forget how attractive he was. But she couldn't afford to get carried away by her feelings. That would do more harm than good. "I don't think so…"

However Jack wasn't going to miss the chance to talk to her now that he had her right in front of him. For the life of him, he couldn't explain what he was feeling or why. He simply knew that the idea of not having her next to him just a little bit longer had suddenly become unbearable. He would be dammed if he missed the chance to at least talk some more with her. Little Teri used her sweet face to get her way. Well, Jack had always used his velvety voice just as effectively. He got a few inches closer to Renee and softening his tone a little he said almost in a whisper, "please, I really want you to come with us. Who refuses a free ice cream?"

Renee felt like she was an ice cream suddenly melting under the sun. _Damn you Jack, and that sexy voice of yours _she thought felling helpless. "Okay, I'll go. But I can't stay too long"

Jack flashed the most beautiful smile she had ever seen. The smile even reached his gorgeous blue eyes. Renee didn't recall Jack smiling at all during that one day they had together. But of course, back then he had nothing to smile about. She realized he was truly happy for the first time in a long time. She was marveled by the fact that after all he had gone through he was now in one piece. If only she had his strength.

They got the ice creams and sat over the grass to have them.

"It's funny, Jack. But you don't look like a grandpa" those words just slipped Renee's mouth before she could think twice about how it would sound. She had meant it as a friendly compliment, but it came off flirty. She blushed with embarrassment when it hit her that she had basically admitted Jack was hot.

Her comment caught Jack totally with his guard down, and it confused the hell out of little Teri. As she looked at her grandpa she realized the lady was right. The grandpas she usually saw had white hair or no hair at all, and wore glasses, or walked using something called 'cane'. Her grandpa Milton, her dad's daddy, had a white beard, a mustache, and a big belly like Santa and had many wrinkles on his face. But what did that mean? Did it mean grandpa Jack was not her grandpa? A bit worried, she told the stranger firmly "he _is_ my grandpa"

Renee was taken aback. She didn't mean to confuse the kid. "Of course he is, princess… I know that"

But the Teri looked at her grandpa again. Now she found it amusing that she was her grandpa, but didn't look like that. She stated smiling at him "But you don't look like a grandpa"

"You are smart, kiddo", Jack said smiling a bit smugly. Then he leaned towards Renee and whispered in her ear, "by the way, thank you… and you look good too"

Indeed he absolutely thought Renee was still a beautiful lady. Sure, her current appearance was showing her terrible psychological state and she was wearing that silly "I love New York" cap, which didn't seem like her at all. But nevertheless, she was beautiful.

Renee assumed Jack was just making a pathetic intend to cheer her up with that compliment. She knew she was looking like hell, but she cared too little about that. Even so, the fact that he was trying to make her feel better actually meant a lot to her. She whispered back on his ear with her most solemn tone, "Can I tell you a secret?" Jack nodded seriously. So she added "I don't actually love New York", as if that were the most surprising and scandalous revelation of the century.

Jack couldn't believe she had teased him like that and he had fallen. But, as disappointing as it was that she hadn't made a real confidence, the fact that she had cracked a joke had to be a good sign. So he decided to play along. He took the cap off Renee's head and placed it again front-side-back, saying "Then you should wear that cap like this"

She gave him a half-smile and asked "so, can I pull off the pimp-look?"

"Totally" Jack replied. Then Renee playfully hit him in the arm feigning indignation.

Teri only interpreted that the grownups were playing some sort of game she didn't get which involved the cap. She felt left out, she wanted to play too. So she told the older lady, "I want to play with your hat"

"You like it?" Renee was surprised by that. But the little girl nodded. So she took the baseball cap off and placed it on Teri's head backwards. Of course it was way too big, but the kid found that hilarious.

"Can I have it, please?" she asked eagerly.

Jack then had to step in, "sweetheart, that's Renee's. You don't just ask for other people's things. That's rude"

Teri looked down sadly over being scolded. Then Renee asked her, "Hey, princess, how old are you?"

But Teri was too disappointed for not getting her way so she said nothing. Jack had to reply for his granddaughter. "She's three and a half"

Renee acted as if that were a huge surprise, "seriously? Three and a half? Not just three, but three and a half?"

Teri nodded and smiled proudly. Renee smiled back at her, then looked at Jack and stated seriously "Then, Jack, I have no choice. If a little girl is three and a half I have to give her my cap"

"Really?" the toddler asked with excitement and astonishment.

"That is the rule" Renee stated nodding with a very solemn expression.

Jack smiled and shook his head marveled by the fact that his granddaughter seemed to have yet another person right in her little pocket. "Now, Teri, what do we say?"

"Thank you" Teri said obediently.

"You are very welcome, princess", Renee replied with the smallest hint of a bitter-sweet smile.

Jack had never seen that smile in her before. He had hardly seen her smile at all. He was finding the exchange between Renee and little Teri more and more fascinating with every passing second. Renee was acting so genuinely sweet and nice with Teri. And it didn't seem like merely an act. She seemed to like his granddaughter. And it somewhat surprised him. He would have never pegged FBI agent Renee Walker for someone who liked kids.

But what did he truly know about Renee anyway? The woman had been a walking contradiction from the get go. Within a day, he had seen her being fearless, ruthless, cold, brilliant and tough but also sensitive, vulnerable, compassionate and sweet. The FBI agent who had once came off as so uptight and 'ruled-by-the book' had turned out to be so complex that not even Jack Bauer had been able to have her all figured out. That was driving him nuts.

It was something that made him nervous but at the same time intrigued him, fascinated him. Renee Walker first had appeared to be a certain kind of woman and then had done things you would have never thought she would do. She had seemed to care about him, but then she had stopped talking to him for a year. But her contradictory (not to say 'neurotic') behavior, was something he found strangely attractive. It made him want to get to truly know her even more.

Teri's little voice took him away from his thoughts.

"That ice-cream is yummy" Teri said pointing at Renee's strawberry ice-cream, clearly indicating she wanted it.

"Yours is yummy too… you asked for a chocolate one" Jack told his granddaughter.

"I want a pink one" Teri protested. Why did it matter that she had originally wanted chocolate ice-cream? Now she wanted the pink one.

"Okay, I'll buy you a pink one" Jack said smiling resigned.

"That's not necessary" Renee told Jack. And then she addressed the little one sweetly "I give you my pink ice-cream and you give me yours. How does that sound, princess?"

"Okay" Teri said gladly as she switched ice-creams with the older lady.

Jack watched the two of them amazed. He still couldn't believe he and his grandkid were having ice-creams at central park with Renee Walker. For a year, he had regretted deeply missing the chance to talk to her and get to know her better. Now, for reasons he still didn't know, she was right there. He wanted to touch her to confirm it was real. So when a loose lock of her auburn hair got in her face, nearly covering her eye, he took the opportunity to gently place it behind her ear. Then, he remembered that what he was feeling was unrequited, improper and made no sense considering they had known each other for such a short time. So he backed away a little, and asked trying to sound casual "So, Renee, what are you doing in New York?"

"You know…" she said as she shrugged carelessly, not adding another word.

"I actually don't know" Jack pointed out the obvious.

"I'm just hanging out", she non-answered. Because it wasn't like he could tell him what she was actually doing. And 'hanging out' wasn't so far off the truth. She had to just wait around until Leo got a fake ID and passport for her. Probably, she'd have some drastic physical transformation in Germany as well. Criminals normally did it to avoid justice. She simply wanted to be somebody else because she hated who she was. Her mind still wasn't completely made up about that.

"And when did you move to New York?" Jack truly wished she cared more about having a real conversation.

"I don't live here" She replied casually before having a bit of her ice cream.

"Are you here just on vacations then? For how long?"

"No longer than necessary" She replied honestly, but not specifically. She'd leave as soon as she got her fake ID and the German contacts were able to help her disappear. But she didn't know exactly when that would happen.

"I take it you are planning to leave soon, then" It disappointed him knowing she would leave soon. But it was also upsetting him her lack of real answers.

"I don't know exactly when" Renee replied quickly, now a bit annoyed by the questioning.

"Can you give me an estimate? A few days? A week? Two weeks?" he pressed her.

"Definitely maybe in about three weeks" she said to Jack's exasperation.

_Okay, that certainly clears things up,_ he thought to himself sarcastically. He was getting so frustrated by her short and mysterious answers.

Little Teri had finished her ice cream and was getting bored, she pulled her grandpa's sleeve asking "Jack, I wanna go to the swings"

Jack was completely thrown aback. "I'm sorry? Did you just call me Jack? Not grandpa?"

"You don't look like a grandpa" Teri stated proudly the new thing she had learned that day.

"That's right. But you can call me grandpa anyway. After all you are grandpa's special little girl"

Teri smiled at that. Then she insisted "can we go to the swings, grandpa, please?"

The kid had said the word please dragging the "e" with a begging tone and, of course, looking at her grandpa with her sweet little face. It made Renee giggle. That child certainly never missed a trick.

"Okay, sweetie, let's go find those swings" Jack helped little Teri get up the grass after having gotten up himself. But he wouldn't let Renee off the hook so easily. "You too, Agent Cryptic" he told her offering her a hand.

Renee sighed resigned, failing completely to resist him. Then she took his hand as he helped her to stand up. As they walked, little Teri practically ran in direction to the playground. They walked fast right behind her. Renee was

genuinely awed by Jack's grand-kid. So she praised "She is so smart and strong-minded"

Jack smiled full of pride. "She's all Kim"

But Renee stopped walking dryly. She was so surprised that Jack still hadn't seen the obvious. As he turned around to see why she had stopped, Renee looked deeply into his eyes and stated firmly, "She's all you"

Jack was very moved by that huge compliment. He remained speechless for a moment. But then both adults remembered they had to follow a little kid. They took Teri to the swings and watched her play. To Jack, having a grandkid was still something marvelous and astonishing. "You know, I owe this to you" he said to Renee.

"What?" Renee didn't feel he owed her anything. She was puzzled by that comment.

"Me being here, with Teri… you made this happen. You told Kim I was sick and then saved my life disarming that bomb. And you saved Kim as well"

"Oh, that… that was nothing" she said dismissively with a shrug. She tried to desperately cover the fact that, for a moment there, she had actually forgotten about the bomb. What was wrong with her head? Maybe it was just too painful to remember the woman she could never be again. "It was my job at the time", she said emotionlessly. She didn't want to reveal she had done all that because the mere thought of losing him had become absolutely unbearable merely sixteen hours after meeting him for the very first time.

Jack could not believe what he was hearing. But he tried to remain somewhat unfazed. "Right… well… it was so not nothing… you saved my life, so thank you"

Whatever it was that she felt for him she knew it was improper, inconvenient, crazy, stupid and unrequited. So she was desperate to hide it from him. But that didn't meant she had to be so ice-cold. She put tentatively a hand on his shoulder and told him honestly "My favorite part of that day. I'd gladly do it again in a heartbeat, Jack."

They both got lost again staring into each other's eyes.

Renee was starting to forget why she had come to the park to begin with. But then unexpectedly she heard her cell phone indicating she had a message. It was from Leo and it simply said _'Imagine, gorgeous!'_ That meant she was supposed to meet him by Strawberry Fields, the John Lennon memorial. She had been hanging around in the park for hours because that morning Leo told her to go to the park around 1 pm and that he would let her know when it was safe for them to meet and where. She stood up, saying a bit awkwardly. "You know, Jack. I actually really have to go now"

"Why?" he asked disappointed, as he stood up as well. He hoped to get at least a minor clue of what she was up to. He was aware that he had no right to mind in her personal life. But something being somebody else's business had never stopped him before.

"I just have to go" she said with such a sharp tone that Jack didn't press any further. But right before parting, Renee could no longer resist her urge to at least hold him one last time. As if she needed to confirm that he was actually there, alive.

Renee surprised him by unexpectedly throwing her arms around him for a tight embrace. Once he overcame his astonishment, he held her back. She was actually there. He had her so close to him. Right there and then, Jack knew he couldn't let this be the last he saw of her. It somehow felt wrong. Twenty four hectic and insane hours plus one brief encounter in the park wasn't enough for him. It was very far from being enough. For some reason, he yearned to see her again. While he was still holding her, he whispered softly in her ear "Look, can I at least call you? We could have a coffee. One coffee. That's all"

Renee then closed her eyes for a moment trying to be strong enough to do what she thought was the right thing. She had to reject him. She was damaged, she was leaving the country and Jack was only being nice to her out of pity. The mere thought of Jack pitying her was insufferable. Nevertheless, she wasn't nearly tough enough to resist him. She reluctantly broke the embrace and, with her voice barely above a whisper, she told him "Okay, you can call me to my cell."

Then she waved Teri goodbye. "Bye, princess, it was nice meeting you"

"Bye, _D_enee" Teri said warmly. She still had a bit of trouble with the letter 'R'.

"Renee, I'll call you" Jack said with a serious tone that indicated he was serious.

"And I'll pick up the phone" Renee replied, feeling like the weakest woman in the planet for not being able to resist him. Having said that, she left walking as fast as she could thinking to herself _girl, are you in trouble_

Jack watched her leave having a lot of contrived and confusions emotions himself.

Renee shook her head as if that could make her not think of Jack. Then she walked uptown trough the West Driveway until she reached the John Lennon memorial. She took a look walking around the rounded mosaic in the floor with the word "IMAGINE". She saw a lot of tourists, but no sign of Leo. She kept wondering around, faking interest in the landscape, and she even took a camera she had on her backpack, and pretended she was just a regular tourist. Finally, she noticed Leo waiting in the corner of 72nd and Central Park West Street.

Without saying a word, he led her to the subway station, and once they were underground he greeted her, "hi, gorgeous. I wanted to talk to you"

They took a subway full of people and, mixing with the crowd, pretended to be a normal couple whispering nice things in each other's ear. "You got me the ID already?" she asked surprised. It had only been two days.

"No, but a friend of a friend will get me the new number to contact the Germans soon" Renee looked slightly disappointed. "I'm sorry, gorgeous. It's not like their number is on the yellow pages. But don't worry. I'll find them" Leo assured her. In reality, he just wanted to see her to check on her. He was worried about her depression.

"I know, I know. You've been great. Thank you"

"Hey, don't thank me. Okay? After what I did… I'd do anything for you. You know that." He still felt so guilty about his part in her mission with the mob. By 2012, he had been trying to get in for a year to bust Vladimir Laitanan. Leo had also tried to find another Russian group of Syndicated Crime called The Red Square. But he hadn't been able to make enough progress, since the Russians were one extremely secretive and paranoid group. He had gotten as far as doing small business with them every now and them. However, the FBI needed someone who could get truly inside. So he had come up with the idea of sending a woman of the likes of Renee. And then he had failed to pull out Renee soon enough.

"Don't be silly, you couldn't know what he would do. And I took the mission freely" she said wisely. It had all been her fault. She had insisted on taking the mission and stay on it until they nearly killed her. It was so not his fault. Then she asked, "So, am I safe waiting for the ID here, in Manhattan?"

"I think so. Vladimir has no idea where you are. And he is too busy drinking and hiding from the feds to even try to hunt you down. He's being hunted himself and flying under the radar."

"Do you know where he is?" Renee asked a bit anxiously. Not even wanting to pronounce his name.

"Would he be alive if I did?" Leo asked rhetorically. And without missing a beat, he replied himself. "I don't think so" That at least made Renee chuckle. Then he answered seriously "all I heard if that he keeps moving around different hideouts… perhaps in Brooklyn or Queens. I only saw Lugo once. He still thinks you sold them out. But Vladimir is not sure since he saw that evidence the FBI planted about your arrest"

"Well, he's never been the brightest crayon in the box" Renee stated casually, although she felt like a real idiot acknowledging that she had lost when her enemy wasn't even smart. "Anyway, I should go now. We shouldn't be seen together"

Leo knew she was right about that. "Okay, I'll alert you if there are troubles. If not, you probably won't hear from me until I have the ID. That is, if you still want to go along with that nonsense. But I think it's a terrible idea"

"Not likely. I've probably ran out of those" Renee said with a shrug.

**9 PM - Upper East Side - Renee's hotel Room**

After leaving the shower, Renee lied down on the bed of her hotel room, and turned the TV on. She began flipping through the channels not finding any interesting to watch.

_Great, more news about that stupid thing at the UN. Isn't that in about two months or so? As if peace in the Middle East were even possible. Sure, Madam President, you are going to get an Islamic nation agree with the conditions of your bold peace initiative, you are gonna get they sign the thing, and all parts are going to stick to the deal. Right? Every country member of the UN will get on board. And after that happens, I'm going to reveal my true identity as the reincarnation of JFK. Ha! Well, good luck trying to pull that peace initiative off, Madam. I'll be gone by then anyway. _

She switched channels, not stopping in any other news channel; her own life was depressing enough to care about the entire world too. She much preferred watching a movie. She took a look at the list of movies that were on the pay-per-view menu. They had 'Titanic' and she surprised herself by choosing that old film.

_Why did I do that? I hate that movie. It's just three hours of corny lines like "you jump, I jump, Jack". But at the end that silly British girl just lets him die. Ungrateful bitch._

But Renee found herself hypnotized by the film anyway. She found herself comparing movie-Jack with the Jack she knew in real life.

_He could actually burst that iron door open in a second. He could burst any door open by himself. He's much stronger. And he looks like a real man. Not like that wussy skinny boy. Jack Bauer could kick that rich guy's ass without even sweating, and he would rock in that tux. Damn, he's so attractive. Even those wrinkles around his eyes are cute. He looks so great even now that he's a grandpa. I bet no grandfather ever looked so hot. I still can't believe Jack's old enough to be a grandpa. That means I'm old enough to be a… oh, don't go there. _

She shook her head and sighed. Then she turned off the TV. She had to stop thinking about Jack. She tried to get some sleep. But it was a lost cause. She was absolutely restless and millionth thoughts crossed her head.

_He's gonna call. If Jack Bauer said he would call then he will. And what am I going to do then? Of course, he's only calling to be nice. To be a friend. I'm just delusional if I think even for a second that he might want more. Wait… since when do I care…? Do I want more? It doesn't matter. It's not the point. I can't actually see him. I can't. I can't. Yes, I want to see him. Okay? But I have to avoid him for many-many reasons. One, I'm leaving the country in a few weeks. Two, I don't want him to see me this messed up. And three… well, two reasons are plenty. What's wrong with me anyway? This is so wrong. _

She rolled to the other side of the bed, feeling frustrated with herself.

_What's wrong with me? I'm not supposed to feel this way. I'm not being able to think of anything but him. I feel dizzy just by looking at his eyes. My heart beats faster whenever he says my name. His smile makes me not think clearly. I find it difficult to breathe when I feel his eyes are on me. My legs become weaker solely by his presence. I feel shivers in my spine and my stomach get unsettled at his mere touch. However, all that feels so good. And I know what it means. It can only mean one thing: I'm having a crush on Jack Bauer. I have a crush on Jack. Oh, crap. This can't be good. This is wrong. Since when do I have a crush on Jack anyway? Maybe it was after Bill died. That's the first time I realized he could still feel the pain and that he probably feels pain every day. It is funny how he created a brick wall around his soul so nobody could see it. He tries to hide who he is. Sure, he has flaws. He can be ruthless. He thinks he's always right. He sometimes acts like a robot. He always wants to get his way. He is a know-it-all with a huge God complex. Yet, that's what makes him Jack. Oh, God… I have to stop… I can't… I can't go there… it's wrong… he cares as a friend… This is wrong… crazy… What's wrong with me? _

She covered her face with the pillow as a way to shut down her thoughts. Her short talk with Jack had made her feel more alive than everything she else had done for the past six years. She knew that at this point it was nothing but a crush, a strong attraction at best. Although she was certain that it was only a matter of time before she fell head over heels in love with him. That was as sure as each day the sun rose in the east and disappeared in the west. She had to somehow find the strength to fight those feelings.

**TO BE CONTINUED…**

**(please, read and review)**


	6. I don't know where I'm going

**AUTHORS NOTE: **Thanks a lot for the big support!

**SERIES: Everything went downhill from there**

**PART ONE: A total eclipse of the heart**

**Previously:** Renee and Jack talked in the park and they flirted. But she's not revealing much about herself yet. She is realizing she has a crush on Jack, but she's terrified for two reasons: the possibility that Jack might not require her feelings and the fact that she's still planning to leave the country for good.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own 24. It belongs to fox, Joel Surnow, Robert Cochran and Howard Gordon.

**CHAPTER 6:**

**I DON'T KNOW WHERE I'M GOING (BUT I SURE KNOW WHERE I'VE BEEN)**

_As a pre-teen Jack Bauer had been extremely obsessed with Wonder Woman. She was so incredibly hot, she was tough, her vehicle was a cool invisible plane and she could force people to tell the truth just by using her magic Lasso of True. What was not to like?_

_When he was in highschool, he had a huge crush on a beautiful brunette called Marilyn. She was his first girlfriend. But at that time, Jack joined the army. That eventually drifted them apart and she became his sister in law. However, Jack soon enough came to realize that he had felt for her wasn't real love. _

_Jack didn't even know what real love was until the age of twenty one. Her name was Theresa Kimberly Thomson. They met at a party. He just couldn't get his eyes of her. He asked her to dance, she said yes. They had coffee together the next day. And, as they say, the rest is history. Teri would be his one and only until the day she died. _

_Then he met Kate, who attracted Jack for her sweetness and vulnerability. But truth be told, Jack wasn't ready to love again. When he started using drugs and went for a long undercover mission to Mexico it wasn't hard to tell they were done for good. _

_In Mexico he met Claudia. His affair with her started as a mistake due to heroine and her hypnotizing beauty. But Jack did care about her. Claudia was in huge trouble because of her abusive husband. And nothing could conquer Jack's heart like a lady who needed desperately a hero. Her demise had been very devastating for him. _

_Nevertheless Teri still remained the only great love of his life. Little did he know that his work for the Secretary of Defense would bring along his second life-changing love. _

**YEAR 2010 - March **

Dating Audrey Heller Raines was nothing like the kind of dating Jack had experienced before. For starters, she had asked him out. That was definitely a first. He and Audrey had been working together for while. One day she suggested that they should "grab a bite" together during their lunch break. So they did. The following day the lady called him with dinner reservations already made. He wasn't used to women who made the first move. He had always been more the old-fashion courtship kind of guy. But he liked her more than he'd care to admit. So at the age of 44 Jack found himself learning the new rules of dating.

She waited for him at the restaurant door, despite the fact that he had offered to go and pick her up. By the time of the appetizers, she was already teasing him. "So, Jack, tell me, do all girls have to ask you out?"

"Only if they happen to be my boss's daughter" he replied with a smirk.

"You find that intimidating?" she asked not believing for a second that anything could intimidate Jack.

"Can you blame me? He's not just my boss. He's the secretary of defense" he said teasingly. Audrey just shook her head giggling in disbelief. Jack added to her amusement, "I'm serious. A boss could fire me, at worst. But your dad could invade my house with a small army"

"And I bet you would still escape without a scratch", was her instant response. Audrey didn't know yet the ugly details of Jack's former job, but she knew Jack had saved the country many times and was capable of great achievements. Then Audrey asked with curiosity, "So, what do you like the most about working with my father?"

"What's not to like? He's brilliant. I'm learning a lot. And I get to do interesting things. But honestly, I love that now I have a normal working schedule. Your dad lets me go home by 6 pm most of the days. At the CTU I had barely enough time to breathe before rushing to the next crisis or dropping in bed exhausted" he explained sincerely.

"It couldn't have been that bad. How many hours you worked every day?"

"On normal days around 10, but sometimes I had to work 24 hours on a row"

"Now you are just teasing me!" Audrey exclaimed feeling genuinely surprised.

"I'm not. Trust me." Then Jack sighed a bit sadly. When he still had a family, he used to spend his little free time playing chess with Kim, or going out with Teri. Once he was left alone, he did nothing but going to work or feeling sorry for himself. Now he had a lot of spare time, but still nobody to share it with. Except for the rare occasions when he could visit Kim and Chase. Although, now that he was dating Audrey… Dating? Was that where they were heading? The idea was certainly tempting bur scary at the same time.

Somehow Audrey sensed he missed his former chaotic life. But she chose to let that go for the moment and instead she asked him curiously, "Tell me, what kind of things you enjoy doing now that you have more time?"

"Well, I like to work out. And I just got a whole set of classic movies. Can you believe yesterday I saw 'Casablanca' for the very first time?" He actually liked relaxing and watching movies like a normal person. He was itching for some normalcy in his life.

"No way!" she said astonished.

"Have you seen it?"

"The world falls apart and we fall in love" she replied by quoting a line from Casablanca. Then she added "It's my favorite movie. I know I'm not being original. But, well… I can't help it. And nothing beats the final line 'We'll always have Paris.' My favorite movie line ever" Audrey said somewhat dreamily and then continued "Four little words, and he's telling her their love is so deep and real that it will live forever, even if she can't be there with him". She stopped talking dryly feeling like a huge idiot when she remembered Jack had lost his wife tragically. "I'm sorry, Jack. I didn't mean…"

"It's ok. It's really ok. That's my favorite line too precisely because of what you've just said about love" He said honestly. After saying that, he felt very uncomfortable. He wasn't that familiar with the 'normal dating' protocol. But he guessed that admitting he would always have Teri in his heart was probably in the DON'T list.

But Audrey completely understood him. Being completely sincere, she reached and took his hand in a comforting manner. "You know, Jack. I don't believe we only get to have one great love in our entire life. If people are very lucky they can fall in love many times. And each time is as especial and unique as the previous one"

She wasn't hinting anything about them. She was just trying to say something she honestly believed, and that could give him some sort of consolation. And she was talking for her own benefit as well. Deep down, it scared her to think that she might never find real love again. Her love for Paul had been so real and deep for a very long time. But the passion she had once felt for him had simply faded until she began feeling more like his sister than his wife. The instant he met Jack she felt suddenly the spark that was missing from her marriage. She still didn't know what Jack meant for her. She didn't even know if one day her feelings for him would grow any deeper. After all, they had only gone out twice. But right there, at that very moment, she wanted him. That was all she knew for sure.

Jack was feeling more and more fascinated by Audrey every second. He knew she wasn't hinting anything. She had not secret agenda or intentions for the future. She was simply a woman who was sharing what she truly believed.

Later that night, he took her to her place. Jack had decided to merely say goodbye by her door with just a small kiss on her lips, like a gentleman. He kissed her softly and was ready to step back. But it was her who pulled him closer for a much more passionate kiss.

For the very first time, Jack found himself not being able to place a woman into some specific category. Marilyn and Kate had been his girlfriends. Teri had been the love of his life, his wife. Claudia had been a forbidden affair. And of course he had best friends like Michelle and Chloe. But what the hell was Audrey? She certainly couldn't be placed in any category he was familiar with. They were bonding in an intense way that couldn't be named at all.

**YEAR 2018 – ****March 23****rd****, Friday **

**7**** AM - Chelsea, New York City – Jack's apartment **

_He was__ strapped down so that he couldn't move. Cold water was dripped slowly on his forehead. He could see each drop coming. After a long while he could feel a hollow would form in the centre of the forehead. _

_He felt the __electric shocks that were burning his chest. All he could do was screaming in pain._

_He felt the whip harshly hitting his back repeatedly. The pain was so intense. He could feel that each whip ripped of a part of skin on his back making him bleed. But he couldn't talk. He would not say a word._

Jack woke up in his bed startled and sweating cold. His heart was pounding so fast it was coming out of his chest. He had to take a few short breaths, sit down and look around to remind himself that it was over. He wasn't over there anymore.

All the sudden, his granddaughter rushed into his bedroom and leaped to his bed. "I'm up, Jack!" little Teri yelled enthusiastically as she jumped up and down in the empty side of her grandpa's bed. "I'm up!"

Then he smiled, glad to be back in the present and in a pleasant reality. "I can tell… And you seem happy"

"I get to see mommy and daddy for real today!" exclaimed the toddler excitedly.

She had said 'for real' because Kim and Steve had talked to their daughter from Vermont using the wonder of video-conference a few times. So Jack suggested, "before that you can see them again in the computer, after breakfast, what do you think?"

"YAY!" Teri agreed with a lot of excitement as she kept jumping up and down in her grandpa's bed.

Jack took her in his arms and lifted her up above his head, spinning and moving to the kitchen. Meanwhile, he exclaimed faking a grave voice, "It's a plane? Is it bird? No! It's… Teri Calloway!"

The little girl laughed hysterically as she felt like she was flying. Then her grandpa sat her on a chair by the table. He went to the fridge for the milk, and then he looked in the cabinets for a box of cereal Kim had given him for Teri. It was supposed to be very healthy.

"I don't like that" Teri quickly protested.

"I'm sorry, sweetheart, you mommy said you have to eat this" Then he warmed the milk and served the cereal with milk on the bowl. To try setting a good example, he ate some of the cereal himself. But it was absolutely insipid. "Your mom makes you eat this every day?" Teri nodded. Jack shook his head, "That's not right" Then he went to the kitchenette and decided to make for his granddaughter something that tasted good. As he made pancakes, he told the little one "You know, sweetie? Grandma Teri made your mom eat healthy stuff for breakfast too. Except on Sundays. Every Sunday she made delicious pancakes just like the ones I'm making right now…"

Soon, he finished making the first heart-shaped pancake, put some honey on it, and gave it to Teri. The little girl first stared at it delighted, "It's a heart!"

"Yeah, now try it… see if you like how it tastes" He said as he made one for himself.

"It's yummy!"

**8**** AM**

Jack and Teri were now in front of Jack's computer. Kim and Steve were on the computer screen. "Hi, dad. Hi, baby! How are you two doing?"

"I miss you" Teri whined a bit sadly.

"Well, we miss you too, baby doll. But I bet you are having a lot of fun with Grandpa Jack" said Steve. The couple watched Teri now nodding and smiling on their computer screen.

"Yes! We had pancakes" Teri announced happily.

"Oh, that's yummy" Kim wasn't even surprised. She expected her dad to spoil the kid with junk food to buy her love. Then, only for her dad's benefit, she added sarcastically, "I bet Grandpa Jack will have so much fun when you are all high on sugar".

The little kid didn't understand anything. Jack just shrugged. "It's my job to spoil her. Let it go"

Then Steve said, "Anyway, we are going to be back tonight and we got you presents"

Teri clapped her hands with excitement. She could hardly wait. Then she showed to the camera her brand new coloring book, stating with enthusiasm "Jack got me a present too!"

"Jack? Not grandpa?" Kim asked in confusion.

"He doesn't look like a grandpa" Teri stated proud of herself because she had learnt something new.

"Dad! What are you teaching the kid?" Kim asked surprised while Steve just laughed amused.

Jack was about to say something, but little Teri interrupted. "The lady friend said it"

"What lady friend?" Kim's smile was abruptly all gone now.

"We ran into Renee Walker yesterday, remember her? And she said I don't look like a grandpa" he explained a bit awkwardly but not thinking it meant anything.

Kim was amazed. "Dad, was agent Walker flirting with you? Did you flirt back?"

"No! We were just chatting. There was no flirting" Jack protested firmly. At his age, it felt even ridiculous for him to have this sort of conversation. It was so weird for him to even think about stuff like 'flirting' and 'dating'. He was a grandpa, for God's sake. And he certainly didn't own his daughter, or anybody, any explanation.

Kim felt suddenly upset. She understood that her dad needed someone. But she wanted him to move to L.A. And if he started dating in New York, Kim's dream of having his dad in California could be over. She wondered if that was the reason he still hadn't decided anything about moving. But she chose to let that go for the moment. "Dad, we should go now. I'll pick Teri up by five. Okay?"

Jack nodded and, after Teri said goodbye to her parents, he disconnected the video call. Then little Teri asked with curiosity. "What's flirting?"

"Oh, just come here, you tattle teller!" Jack chased her around the living room until they both got into a fierce battle of tickles.

Later, Teri wanted to play with her new coloring book. She got fully engaged in that task. So Jack decided to check his e-mails. Not so long ago, he was so alone in the world. All the mails he ever got were either work-related or junk mail. But now it was different.

'_Hi, Jack. How are you? I'm okay. I'm still worried about Morris though. Losing his job was so hard for him. But at least money won't be a problem because they agreed to reinstall me in CTU. But, guess what? They'll send me to CTU New York. So next week I'll be moving to Manhattan to start my new job. I'll have to start working hard right away. They're up to their necks with the preparations for the summit at the UN. Anyway, I hope to see you when I get there. Bye. Chloe' _

'_Hey, Chloe. I'm sure Morris will be fine. He's very smart, so he should find a new job soon. I'm glad to hear you are back to work. They really need someone like you. It was wise from them to reinstall you. And I'm glad I'll get to see you again soon. You have to meet Teri. Have you seen the pictures I sent? She's so adorable. Right now she's coloring a book. She colors and makes a lot of drawings. I bet that when she's older she'll be a great artist like her grandma Teri. Anyway, I hope to see you too. Jack' _

'_My friend, I'm truly glad to hear you are doing so well now. I remember all our conversations about the guilt you felt, particularly because your daughter suffered so much in the past. But I could see how much she loves you in the brief time that I met her. And the roads she took eventually led her to a great place. I know you might not believe in what I'm trying to say… but I believe we all have a destiny. If we make mistakes and take the wrong path, getting to the place where we belong takes longer. But you get there at some point. Anyway, I have to go now. I wish I could visit you. But I'm going on a very special trip to Mecca soon. I'll be over there for about two months. I'm not sure if I'll be able to stay in touch. But write me anyway, I'll do my best. __Blessings. Muhtadi Gohar."_

'_Dear Muhtadi, you are never going to believe this, but lately I have been thinking a lot about fate. Do you think it was all meant to be then? Do you believe our lives have been decided already? What about choices? I'm not sure what I believe. I truly have no idea what my destiny is. I'm not so sure such thing exists. So… I'd appreciate any advice you can give me about that, whenever you can. I hope you have an amazing trip. I know you have dreamt about it for such a long time. I'm happy for you. Jack'_

'_My dear uncle Jack, how are you and my cousins doing? Kim says she's moving back here in a couple of months and that you might come to? I hope so. Anyway… I needed to tell you something… It's weird… but I figured you'd want to know. Remember how I want to specialize in psychiatric? Well, I'm gonna start my residency at UCLA Resnick Neuropsychiatric__ Hospital… the thing is… my mom says there's a woman there, a patient, who is very important for you, a woman called Audrey Raines? But mom wouldn't tell me much about her. Anyway, I thought you'd want to know I'll work where she is. Hope to hear from you soon. Johsua." _

He shut down his computer with mixed feelings. Then, not even realizing what he was doing, Jack found himself going through his DVD collection. Not being able to help himself, he picked up the case of 'Casablanca'. He realized how much his life was similar to the life of Rick, the main character. At the end of the movie, Rick was obligated to give up the woman he loved the most out of duty, for the sake of America. Yet, he would always have her in his heart. Not many people understood that kind of commitment, that kind of loyalty. It was such a powerful ending. That was a real love story, about a love what defines you, after which you can never be the same. You could never truly lose somebody you loved in such way. Sometimes you had to let the person go. But the memories, their legacy in your life and your soul stayed with you forever. That was the meaning of _'we'll always have Paris'. _

There were so few people in this world that you can connect with so strongly. _'Will I ever love that way again?' _Jack wondered. He had no idea whether he would ever be capable of that kind of love once again. However, for the first time in ages, he wanted to. He wanted to be as happy as he had once been with Audrey and Teri before everything went downhill. He was sure he didn't deserve it though.

"Jack! Look… Look this!" Teri squealed loudly with a lot of excitement as she waved her coloring book.

Back in reality, Jack dropped his musings about true love and focused on the little person demanding his attention, who was one of the greatest loves of his life. "What is it, sweetheart? Show me…"

"A duckie!" Teri said, showing the page of the coloring book with a duck. She had colored it in pink, and of course, she still didn't know how to stay inside the lines.

Jack grinned, believing it was truly cute. "It's so beautiful, sweetheart! A girly duck"

"But I wanna watch cartoons, Jack" She said, being bored of drawing already.

"Okay… hey, I got a video of Donald Duck for you. What if we watch that?" Jack suggested, knowing Teri was in a duck-phase. Teri agreed with excitement. She immediately got hypnotized by the TV. Jack sat next to her. But suddenly Jack started feeling a small headache. He knew what that meant. "Hey, sweetheart, I have to change my clothes. You promise to stay right there watching Donald? I'll be right back"

Little Teri seemed perfectly fine, to Jack rushed to the bedroom and then to the bathroom. He took the mirror off the wall and placed it carefully on the floor. Then he took his medical case. From the box, he picked a syringe and loaded it with a liquid solution he kept in a bottle. As he had done many times before, he tied a rubber tube around his arm, searched for a good vain, and inserted the needle into his forearm. Once he was done, he put everything back in its place and covered the wall with the mirror again.

"Damn it!" he said suddenly furious with himself and he hit a wall in frustration. He felt like such a weak asshole for using drugs with his granddaughter in the next room. But he truly needed them. He needed them to feel well. It was the only thing that killed his headaches and made him feel centered relaxed.

'_I'm doing it for her and Kim too. They need to see me well. They need me to be fine. And this makes me feel good. I have to do whatever makes me stay well, for them' _Jack told himself as he took short breaths and stared at his reflection in the mirror. He splashed cold water on his face.Then we went to his bedroom and he changed into a light green shirt and jeans. After that, he went to the bedroom and sat next to little Teri.

"Jack, I wanna go to the park" Teri whined out of the blue, after watching the movie for a while.

"Sweetheart, I like it when you call me grandpa. I know I don't look like a grandpa, but I love being your grandpa"

"I love you, grandpa!" Teri smiled and hugged him. Immediately, she added "I wanna go to the park"

Jack clucked. "Okay, we can go later…"

"yay!" Teri yelled happily. Jack smiled at her, and then he sighed when he noticed Teri had put on the 'I love new York' cap backwards. That made him think of Renee. _'It's funny, Jack. But you don't look like a grandpa'_ she had said the day before. Was that actually flirting as Kim had said? Had he flirted back? And what would that even mean? He definitely found her attractive. And with no doubt, he wanted to see her again. He knew as much.

'_She truly needs a friend. She is a very bad place. I've been there. She needs a friend. And I like her as a friend too. Right? I could be her friend. Yeah, I'm gonna call her. As a friend. I really want to see her. As a friend, of course' _He assured himself. But right before dialing her number, he stopped himself. '_Wait! What if she doesn't want to see me? Well, before when I wanted something badly I used extreme measures… so…' _He looked at his granddaughter remembering how irresistible she could be and smiled. "Hey, Teri, before going to the park we could have some of those delicious cupcakes you love"

"Yay!" said the toddler innocently, not knowing there would be a catch.

"And what if my friend Renee comes too? That would be so much fun".

The toddler truly didn't care either way, as long as she had her cupcakes and her trip to the fun park.

**10.30 AM**

"_Is this him?" The man asked as nicely as possible as he moved the sheet to uncover the body they had found. Renee watched the face and first shook her head on denial. It was impossible. That face was broken and bruised. It couldn't be him. But she knew it was. She took one very cold hand, it had a minor burn. He had jumped. He had actually jumped from the near top of that building to escape from the flames and that disgusting smoke. It was him. He was actually dead. She was too shocked at first to say anything. So the man insisted "Madam, is this James Barrington?" Renee nodded as she collapsed in sobs. _

Renee woke up abruptly, startled and out of breath. Then she cried bitterly, hugging tightly her pillow. The night before she had felt so restless, but she had finally passed out after the second bottle of white wine, around 3 AM. Everything she tried so hard to forget while she was awake haunted her on her sleep. Her head was about to explode and she felt nauseas. That disgusting smoke seemed to be all around her. She ran to the toilet and threw up. Then she undressed himself and stepped into the shower. She allowed the hot water to run all through her body. She wished it could watch all her memories away.

As Renee left the shower and wrapped her body in a towel, she heard the sound of her ring-tone. She picked it up. She looked that the screen. It said 'J BAUER'. Her heart skipped a beat. She bit her lower lip and blinked nervously. She had promised him to take his call. And she wanted to very badly. But it seemed like such a bad idea. She struggled with her own conflicted emotions for a few seconds. By the fifth ring, she could no longer restrain herself from picking up. Her hands were shaking; she tried to greet him casually, but failed miserably."Hi, Jack"

"Hey, how are you?" he said sounding a bit nervous himself.

"Fine" She gave him automatically what had become her standard response to that question.

"Look, I'm planning to take Teri for some cupcakes she likes, and then to the zoo, but she said she's not coming without Renee" Jack lied shamelessly through his teeth.

Renee shook her head in disbelief and clucked a little.

"Hold on a sec" Jack told her as he handed Teri the phone, covering the speaker he whispered softly to the child "tell Renee what we've practiced"

"Please, _Denee_, come with us" the kid said obediently and very sweetly.

Renee knew it was a cheap stunt. But she couldn't help to feel moved. It was impossible for her to say no. "Okay, princess. I'm going. Now may I speak with your grandpa, please?" Once Jack was back at the phone, she scolded him "Shame on you, Bauer. Using a child like that"

Immediately her face became somber as she was hardly hit with a painful recollection. The memory the Vossler's baby crying and his mother's horrified face gave her a pain deep in the deepest of her guts. Naturally, the baby never got hurt. But she was sure that what she had done would haunt her forever.

_I can't believe I had the nerve to actually say that. Me, the baby-torturing scum. Not scum. Monster. That's what I am. Why does he even want me near little Teri? And how did he know having her talk to me would work? Does he know how much I actually love kids? I don't think so, given what I did to that baby. I know I would have never, ever hurt a child. I was just pretending. I'm not a monster. I was only pretending. _

She kept repeating that line in her head over and over again. Until she heard that on the other side of the line Jack was calling her name.

"Renee, Renee, are you there?" Jack said increasingly anxious.

"Yeah, sorry. I was distracted by something." She said neither bothering to make up a reason for said distraction nor planning to explain the truth.

"Is everything okay?" he asked worriedly. He had noticed that Renee's voice had lost all trace of emotion.

She noticed the concern in his voice. She tried to make him more at ease. "Yeah, so what were you saying before?"

"I was asking you to meet me at the Magnolia bakery, by the Rockefeller Center around two… if that's ok with you" He explained gently. He was truly concerned about her. She had seemed almost gone for a moment.

Renee could barely talk with her voice above a whisper. "That's great. I'll see you there, Okay?"

But Jack could tell by her tone that Renee was everything but great.

**2 PM**

She didn't see the point in doing anything to look any different in a good way. She wore the same jeans, black top and brownish jacket and tied her hair up in a messy coil. She put on some make up though. If anything, to look less sick than she actually felt. Then, she headed to the point where she was supposed to meet Jack. As soon as she saw him, her heart began pumping so fast. "Hey, Jack"

"Hey" he replied with a warm smile as he hugged her.

"Hi, princess. It's nice to see you again." Renee greeted little Teri with a hug and then gave her a small package she had on her backpack. "I think this is for you"

"My? _D_eally?" the kid said very excited, already ripping off the paper to see the gift. Teri squealed happily when she saw two bright yellow ducks made to play with in the bathtub. "duckies!"

Renee had gotten them because she remembered the toddler had escaped from Jack to see ducks. Seeing Teri's happy face dragged a bitter-sweet smile from her. "See? Now you can play with duckies when you take a bath"

Jack was amazed that Renee had gotten something for a kid she hardly knew. "Renee, you didn't have to do that"

"It was nothing" she said shrugging, because she was feeling that she herself was nothing.

"It's not nothing. It's nice." Jack told her seriously. Then he addressed the child "Teri, what do you say to Renee?"

"Thank you, _D_enee" the kid said as she gave the lady a hug.

Renee bent her knees and embraced Teri tight and gave her a kiss on the forehead. It didn't go unnoticed to Jack how affectionate and sweet Renee was with the child. That was something about her that didn't ceased to amaze him. It fitted with none of the little information he had about Renee. But then again, nobody would ever imagine him being good with a child either.

They got into the cafeteria, they ordered the delicious cupcakes that made Magnolia bakery worldly famous, in different flavors. To drink Teri wanted chocolate-milk, Renee ordered a regular coffee and so did Jack.

He had already noticed Renee was indeed in a gloomy mood. And when she took her sunglasses off inside the cafeteria, he could see clearly the sadness in her eyes. Obviously, she was making an effort to cover how sad she was for him and Teri's benefit. He had no idea how she could help her. But for the moment, he just focused on making this particular afternoon nice for her.

Renee just wanted Jack to stop worrying about her. She didn't deserve it. She knew he was being so nice to her because he was sorry for her and blamed himself for her depression. One of the messages he had left on her voice mail played on her head. _'Look, I'm truly sorry about everything I've put you through; I don't blame you for not wanting to talk to me ever again'. _She thought the least she could do for him, was taking those ideas out of his head. She wanted him to think she was fine. It would make him feel better. Maybe, if she limited herself to chitchatting, she could pull it off. "So, how long have you been living in New York?"

"Around a year, I had to move for my treatment, it's only done here"

"Oh, I see… and do you like New York?"

"It's been quite a change" Jack replied sincerely, but not clarifying whether that was a good or a bad thing. He took a bite of her chocolate cupcake. "I love these. Had you ever tried them before?"

"Yeah, I came all the time when I lived here" The memories those cupcakes brought to her were actually nice ones, sweet ones. They actually reminded her the best years of her life.

He noticed a small bitter-sweet smile on her face as he said that. He really wanted to find out more about her. "So, you're a New Yorker"

"Nah, I only lived here for a while" she said adding absolutely nothing else about the subject.

"While working for the FBI?" he wondered out loud.

"I went to Columbia and got an MBA" She said, purposely avoiding any mention of her undercover mission, but managing not to lie. Then she addressed the child, "so, Teri… what's the name of your new duckies?"

The kid put her little finger on her mouth as she thought of a name for the ducks Renee had given her. Then she announced with excitement "Duckies!"

Renee nodded, "sounds right… and do you like your cupcake?"

"It's yummy." Teri grinned. Then she added "grandpa makes yummy hearts"

Renee stared in confusion. So Jack explained casually "she means heart-shaped pancakes"

Then Renee smiled a little. Finding that so cute, "oh, that's sweet"

When she was done eating, Teri made her sweet face to ask for things and get them, "I wanna go to the park now"

"Okay, do you need to go potty first?" Jack asked his grandchild. The toddler nodded a bit shyly.

"I can take her to the lady's room, Jack" Renee offered with a shrug.

"Is that okay with you, Teri?"

"Yeah" the kid said as she walked towards Renee and held her hand.

Jack watched somewhat marveled how the two of them headed to the bathroom together.

**3 PM – Safari Playground, at central park **

Teri was amused playing and running around the playground. Jack and Renee sat on a bench and keep their eyes on the child. But then Jack looked at Renee, who watched the kids. He tried to decipher her expression. When Teri waved at then, she waved back. Then the kid came running towards them and told them "I'm thirsty"

"Well, sweetheart, that's why I brought this" Jack told her, while handing her a little carton box of orange juice. As Teri held the box, Jack stuck the straw inside the hole, but the kid was squeezing the box too hard and some juice spilled on Jack's shirt. "Oh, God"

"Sorry" the kid said and then continued drinking the juice.

"Never mind, sweetheart, just some juice" He muttered as he tried to figure out how to clean it.

Renee searched inside her backpack for some wet-towels, and offered one to Jack. "This should work"

"Thanks" he said while smiling at her. Suddenly, the thought of Agent Walker and Agent Bauer babysitting together made him chuckle. "I'm sorry. It's just hit me that I never even asked you if it was okay for me to bring her"

"Why wouldn't it be?" Renee asked genuinely surprised by his question. "She's adorable"

"Thank you" Jack knew she had truly meant that. But, as much as she tried to hide it, he couldn't ignore the fact that she looked sad for some reason, and her smile had never reached her eyes. He tried to summon the courage to bring up the topic he truly needed to discuss with her. "You know, Renee, I feel we are in the presence of the metaphorical elephant in the room here. I mean, there is this huge thing I'm supposed to ignore. But I really can't"

"What do you mean?" she asked, already knowing the answer. He knew she had cut her wrists. She knew he knew. And it was all simply extremely awkward. She didn't want to talk about it. Jack replied by taking her hand, moving her sleeve up a little exposing her scar. Then he brushed it softly with his fingers. At first Renee was too embarrassed to react and just looked down sadly for a moment. Then she dryly took the hand away, and got defensive. "You know, Jack. My dad used to say: if there is an elephant in the room, get it out. So, why don't you just ask me what you want to know once and for all"

"I just want to know if you are really okay. I'm worried about you"

"I already said I'm fine" She purposely avoided his gaze, feeling mortified again. She used all her strength just to avoid tearing up.

She seemed to be getting annoyed and defensive, just what Jack was afraid off. If only she knew she could talk to him freely. "Look, it's me you are talking about. I know you are in a dark place right now. I've been there."

She sighed deeply. Then she looked at Jack and trying to keep a neutral tone stated "Well, I'm back from that place. I'm fine now"

"It's not as simple. Believe me" After everything he had gone thought, Jack wondered how exactly he had managed to land in the good place he was at the moment. Sometimes he thought he had simply run out of ways to fuck things up. Renee took her eyes away from him and just watched Teri play.

Jack wished she felt more comfortable around him. He wanted her to trust him. Then he remembered how Audrey had made it so easy for him to open up. And since Renee still felt bad talking about painful things, which was understandable, he thought about one apparently innocent question he could ask her as an ice-breaker. It would tell him volumes about her though. "So, what's your favorite movie line?"

Renee looked at him as if he had suddenly grown a second head. "What?"

"You heard me"

"Yeah, but what does it have to do…?"

"Nothing, I'm changing the subject" he stated casually.

"And you want to know what my favorite movie line is?" she asked still a bit puzzled. What was all that about?

"Yeah" he replied seriously.

She didn't even have to think about it. Looking straight in his eyes, she replied sincerely "You jump, I jump, Jack"

That line summarized neatly the one day they had spent working together when she was still an agent. But that wasn't the only reason why it was her favorite. To Renee, it summarized her idea of true love in general.

He smiled at her knowing she had truly meant that. It didn't surprise him at all. It was all Renee. She understood about that kind of loyalty. Instinctively, he put an arm around her shoulders.

That friendly gesture of his made Renee feel so safe. She melted, and allowed herself to rest her head on his shoulder. Then she held his free hand.

All the sudden, he didn't need her to say anything else for the moment.

Once again, he found himself somehow in a relationship he couldn't define. He had no idea what they were, or what they were heading for. He didn't even know if they were heading for something. All he knew was that he liked what they were doing, whatever that was. _You jump, I jump_, he silently promised her and himself.

**TO BE CONTINUED….**

**(Please, tell me what you think)**


	7. In the darkness

**AUTHORS NOTE: **Thanks a lot for the big support and your kind reviews. I hope they keep coming. And sorry for my lack of reviews. Editing this story is taking so much longer than I thought. I'll review the nice stories I'm reading as soon as possible.

**SERIES: Everything went downhill from there**

**PART ONE: A total eclipse of the heart**

**Previously:** Jack longs the happiness he once had and uses his granddaughter to break Renee's walls. Jack realizes the two of them might indeed have a thing going on and decides to pursue that something although he doesn't know for sure what it is. Renee agrees to see Jack but doesn't talk about her depression.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own 24. It belongs to fox, Joel Surnow, Robert Cochran and Howard Gordon.

**Chapter 7:**

**IN THE DARKNESS **

**YEAR 2013 - June**

**Brighton Beach, Brooklyn – New York - Vladimir Laitanan's house**

"Renee, bring us more Vodka and dark cherries".

"All right, Vlad" Renee smiled, pretending she was totally fine with acting like the gang's waitress just because she was the girl. She got up from her chair, and Vladimir took the opportunity to grab her butt. She used all her will power to ignore it. She walked away from him and dutifully served the drinks.

After serving the drinks, she went back to her seat, which was next to Vladimir. She wanted to watch closely what he was doing on his laptop. But he interpreted that as an invitation to caress her knee and above. Trying to act like she wasn't upset, she discretely moved her chair farther away from him.

That made Vladimir upset. He got closer to her and held her tightly by the waist, to let her know she had to stay there. Then he kept caressing her neck and her bare shoulder while he discussed business with three of his men.

"I need a drink too" Renee announced, standing up abruptly. She just wanted to stay away from his hands. She hated Vladimir and his hands. She hated these Russians. She hated Vodka. She hated Brooklyn. She was dying to sneak out to Manhattan just to have a Cosmopolitan, which was made with Vodka but tasted so good anyway. Unfortunately, they had nothing in Vladimir's house but Vodka or Scotch. Given those were her only choices, she preferred a good single malt Scotch.

"I want a cheese sandwich" Vladimir ordered his favorite late-night snack. "And do it right for a change"

"Fine" Renee went to cut the bread to make the sandwich. She didn't give a damn how Vladimir liked his stupid sandwich. But how could she always do it wrongly? It seemed like such an easy thing to do.

Vladimir couldn't help to stare at her. Renee looked so sexy in that short light-blue halter dress, and those black pantyhose and those knee-length boots. And her loose dark auburn hair looked gorgeous. He just couldn't resist her. He walked towards her and wrapped his arms tightly around her waist.

"Stop it!" Renee yelled and pushed him away, giving him an angry stare.

Vladimir was infuriated by her attitude, and also shocked. Who did she think she was? Nobody ever said 'no' to him. He was getting so fed up by her constant rejections. He had another shot of Vodka, and then he said to the other men, "I'm done talking business for the night. So, leave us alone."

She was horrified as it was clear what he would try to do. She attempted running to the door and leave the house as fast as she could. But Vladimir stopped her, grabbing her harshly by her arm and pushed her to a nearby couch.

The other men were actually too shocked to move at first. So he stared at them yelling "I said, leave us!" Lugo, Ziya and Paul disappeared instantly, obeying the orders from the captain of their gang. Then Vladimir started kissing Renee and groping her some more.

But she pushed him away slapped him hard across the face. "Let me leave now!"

He was outraged that she had dared fighting back. She thought she was too good for him, and he couldn't have that. He decided to teach her a lesson. Renee ran trying to get to the door again. But Vladimir put himself between her and the door as he locked it announcing "I'm gonna take what's mine"

First, she tried to soften him with a compliment, and attempted to mask her disgust. "You don't have to do this, Vlad. You can have any other woman you want"

"But I chose you. I want you." He announced, getting closer to her. He didn't care for the other girls who threw themselves to him. Sure, they kept him occupied. But it wasn't the same. He just wanted the only one who had ever dared saying no to him. He was simply done tolerating her rejections. Why had he ever put up with that in the first place? He knew why. Because he wanted her to want it, he wanted her to desire him. But she didn't. So he kept himself busy with the other women, those who did desire him. Their compliments made him feel better. Hitting Renee also made him feel better. But it was no longer enough.

She tried to reach the door again, while she burped out truthfully, but not wisely, "I don't want you!"

Full of anger, he clamped a hand around her neck and pushed her against the wall "_You_ are _my_ girl, Renee!". Then, he repeated those same words softly as he ran his hand all the way through her long loose hair, and then lowered his hand to her butt.

Renee was absolutely horrified, by what he was doing and particularly by his words. They sounded like the most horrible sacrilege coming from his lips. But as soon as he came out of her shock, she kicked his shin really hard. She tried desperately to get the key to open the door and leave.

Vladimir was more outraged than ever. He grabbed her firmly by the arm and smacked her across the face. Before she could react, he slapped her face again so brutally that she fell to the floor, landing on the hideous red carpet that covered the room. Next, he kicked her hard on her chest with fury a few times. But hitting her was no longer enough for him. He had to truly own her.

Before she knew it, he was on top of her. "No… stop… no!" She was begging and didn't care. She stirred her hand trying to look for something, anything that could be used as a weapon. But there was nothing at hand. And he was pressing her against the carpet with the full weight of his body.

**YEAR 2015 – October**

**Arlington, Virginia. **

He watched with real disappointment how she got dressed again, immediately after he had made love to her. It was as if she couldn't wait to leave his apartment. "Why don't you ever spend the night here?"

She didn't want to give him any explanation whatsoever. She had only spent the whole night in his place once, after their first time together. And she had spent the whole night awake, terrified of falling asleep and having a nightmare. It scared her that he would see who she was. So she only gave him a very small piece of herself. "I just can't, Larry."

"We have to stop seeing each other like this, Renee" He stated with a very somber tone.

"What do you mean?" she played dumb as she finished putting her clothes on.

He hated to feel so pathetic. But the truth was that he wanted so much more from her. He needed more from her. They never even talked about anything but work. He wasn't even allowed in her apartment. She always came to his place for a little while, whenever it was convenient for her. "You know what I mean… You know very well how I feel. I want us to have something real"

"Larry…" She begged him with her eyes not to go there. She couldn't give him what he wanted. He was a wonderful guy, so sweet, and he reminded her so much of Jimmy. But she knew she wasn't in love with Larry. She had lost her ability to truly love another man. But he made her forget about Vladimir. So it worked for her. But it obviously wasn't working for him.

"Renee, I'm divorcing Grace" Larry abruptly announced what he had been trying to tell her for days. "Pretty soon it's going to be official. I'm not gonna be married anymore"

"What?" She was surprised to hear that. She blinked nervously a few times, and looked at him troubled. "Are you sure that's what you want?"

He didn't have to think it twice, "Yeah"

She was so worried about him. Suddenly she realized she had made a huge mistake. "But… you are doing it because that's what you want, right? Not for me"

"I thought you'd be happier about it" He was extremely hurt. It seemed that she wanted him to go back with his wife or something. It was the opposite of what he truly wanted.

"Larry, tell me you're not doing that for me" She begged him, almost with urgency.

"I'm doing it for me! I don't love her anymore. But also… to make things right between you and me. I want to be with you, but I want that to be the right thing. I respect you too much to have just a fling with you… I love you…"

She was so stunned. She realized how honest he was being to her and himself. She didn't deserve him. She felt like a real bitch. As she overcame her astonishment, she could barely mutter "And I… I have to go…" Then, as she quickly picked up her stuff, she told him "I'm sorry… I truly have to go"

As she left his apartment, a single tear rolled down her cheek. Larry was a man she wanted so badly to love. But she didn't. Not in _that_ way. Renee had actually lost all interest in finding real love after Jimmy died. She had torrid affairs that never meant anything. Therefore, she never got hurt. Larry had been the only man she had dared sleeping with after Vladimir. And there was a reason for that. She trusted him blindly. He was her friend. Yet, she had hurt him. What kind of woman was she? She was a woman full of poison. She could feel that.

Right there and then, she decided she could never, ever, let any man get anywhere near her bed.

**YEAR 2018 – ****March 24****th****, Saturday**

**0****8. 15 AM**** - Manhattan Upper East Side - Renee's hotel room**

_She was running as much as her legs allowed. She had to get away from him. He had seen her, and now was chasing her down the Central Park. He was chasing her with a knife on her hand as he kept yelling __"I chose you. I want you. You are my girl, Renee". But she didn't want him. He was so disgusting to her. All she wanted was to run away from him. Her heart was pounding fast, she could hardly breathe. But she tripped and he caught up with her._

Renee woke up startled, sweaty and with a headache. Her mind was a clouded daze. She groaned feeling truly tired, but knowing she couldn't possibly go back to sleep. The night before she had felt restless so she had decided to improve her German by studying from a couple of books she had purchased. She had read them until her exhaustion had finally made her fall into an agitated sleep around 4 AM. When she looked around, she noticed her books were on the floor, so were the pillows, and the sheets and covers were a messy bundle above her feet. She guessed that meant she had been fighting Vladimir in her sleep again.

'_I'm so screwed up'_ she thought for the millionth time in God-only-knew how long.

After a while, she got up and went straight to the shower, but she decided to have a bath instead. When the bathtub was full she took her pajamas and her underwear off and got in. She relaxed great deal in the warm water. She got rid of her hair tie and then she laid back and slid down until her hair was fully wet. It was the most wonderful feeling in the world. She wanted to be there forever.

'_I want my life back'_ she had been thinking to herself over and over again. '_But what sort of life do I want back? What am I missing so badly? Being Agent Walker? Do I want my badge? My old job? Do I also want to fall in love again? Since when? And…Could I…? Should I…?_' She knew _he_ was the reason she was even wondering all that. Meeting Jack had raised so many questions in her head. He was making her think crazy things.

She completely lost track of time, her mind had vanished in a cloud of confusing questions. No clear answer came. Then her cell phone rang. Luckily she had put it at hand reach. She was so relaxed that she took the call without even checking who it was first. "Hello?" she said sounding groggy.

"Hey, how are you?" said a very familiar velvety voice.

Then Renee came completely out of her stupor. She had no idea how long she had been in the bathtub. But since the water was now cold and her hands were wrinkled she guessed that probably too long. Her heart was crazily bouncing madly back and forth. "Oh, hey, Jack. I'm fine, how are you?"

"Great. Tell me, do you have any plans for tonight?" he asked too anxiously.

"Not really." She replied honestly. She didn't think staying in her hotel room, merely trying to get through another day without blowing her brains off counted as a plan. But she remembered she was supposed to pretend she was fine. She was supposed to put him at ease. So, trying to sound casual, she asked him jokingly "Why? Does little Teri want to go somewhere with me?"

"No, I do." He whispered softly. Then he added a bit awkwardly "It's just me now. So do you want to see me?"

Renee suddenly startled. She had been teasing him. But he was serious. He wanted to see her again, and alone.

'_No, no, no and no. __I can't go out alone with him. That would make it a date. A date? Grow up, Renee! He is just trying to be my friend. Just because I have a crush on him… a crush? What am I? Twelve? This is wrong… I can't. I'm leaving the country and I'm too messed up. What's wrong with me anyway?... I saw him yesterday and I already want to see him and hear his voice again…. oh, damn it! This is so wrong. Oh, God… I can't…I shouldn't…"_

"Renee? Renee? I think you drifted off again" Jack called out for her loudly. He was worried. Both times he had called her she had done the same thing. It was so strange.

"Yes, sorry. I was just thinking." She made a vague excuse. But in spite of the strong voice in her head that was yelling at her to run away, she nodded and whispered "yeah I'd like to see you again"

'_He cares as a friend… he wants to be my friend. I need a friend. I can be his friend. That is okay. But I have to draw the line there. Just friendship. More would be wrong and I know it'_

After sighing relieved, Jack told her "Okay, this time you get to pick where"

**3:30 PM – Bloomingdales **

Nobody would have guessed Renee Walker actually used to love looking feminine during her college years. She used to know about designers just as much as she knew about foreign politics, history or economics. But when she started working for the FBI, she adopted a boyish, yet impeccable, appearance. She only dressed more 'womanly' for parties or weekends off. Then Renee Zadan was supposed to be vain, girly and sexy. That had killed what little was left of Renee's coquetry right on the spot.

Now she suddenly needed new clothes. It was silly. But she just couldn't help herself. _'So much for drawing the line at friendship' _Renee thought as she walked around Bloomingdales trying buy something to wear during her supposed friendly meeting with Jack. The first thing she got was a new pair of black skinny jeans. Then, a light blue shirt with elbow-length sleeves. Next she got a waist-length navy blue jacket with long sleeves. Finally, instead of wearing her old sneakers, she bought a pair of black leather ankle boots with a fold-over cuff.

Afterwards, she went to the bathroom. She got changed and folded her old clothes and put them inside a bag. Then she stuffed her big black backpack with her old things. But before leaving, she couldn't help to look at herself in the mirror. She still looked sick.

Without even thinking about it, she redid her make-up. She put on some foundation and powder, to look less pale. Mascara, because she didn't like how short and thin eyelashes. Black eyeliner, just because she liked how it made her look tougher. Concealer, to try hiding her hideous black circles under her eyes. But there was not enough concealer in the universe. However, she decided it would have to do. Finally, as if moved by instinct, she let her hair loose and brushed it. Renee told herself it was simply a 'vanity' thing. It was so not because she cared about what he thought of her looks. Not at all.

But she suddenly felt like an idiot. _'What the hell are you doing?'_ She silently scolded herself, shaking her head disapprovingly as she stared at her own reflection. Was she really trying to look good for him? As if that mattered anyway, she couldn't have him. She shouldn't even want him. She felt so frustrated. '_This is wrong… I'm crazy… What's wrong with me? He's just a nice friend'_

Then she pinned her hair up together in a coil. She only allowed two auburn locks of hair to remain freely on the sides of her head. Although, other pesky locks from the back somehow managed to sneak out from the hairpin. It looked messy. '_He's just a friend!_' she reminded herself as she just left the bathroom.

**5:00 PM - Rockefeller Center **

Jack was now regretting letting her choose where to go. As it turned out, Renee had suggested going ice skating at the Rockefeller center. But he had been too proud and embarrassed to admit he didn't even know how to ice skate. A part of Jack hated to admit even to himself that there was anything he couldn't do.

_It looks so simple anyway. I bet if I watch first I'll figure it out,_ he though with confidence. Besides, the whole idea of letting her decide was to do something she would enjoy.

He watched Renee changing her boots into the rented ice skates. He thought she was a beautiful woman. Her new hair color was growing in him. And he was also starting to like how her hair was messily coiled up together with a hairpin. They exchanged a small smile and Renee headed to the ring.

Jack still had to figure out how to get into the ice rink, which turned out to be quite a challenge itself. From the bench, in which he had changed his sneakers for the skates, to the actual iced floor there were merely two or three feet of solid ground, but they seemed impossible to walk given the sharp and thin blades of the skates. He managed to slowly reach the entrance of the rink with short steps. Then he tried sliding one foot and then the other one, as everybody else was doing. But he couldn't move an inch without losing his balance. With quick reflexes, he grabbed the handrail and holding on to it he managed not to fall. Then he slowly turned around to face the rink as he awkwardly pretended he just wanted to stand there and watch.

Renee was pretty nervous. It had been so long since the last time she had ice-skated. She had suggested doing that because sports normally relaxed her and distracted her from improper or unwelcomed thoughts. Swimming and Ice skating had always been her favorite activities. But she had simply lost her passion for everything. And even though she remained an expert swimmer, she wasn't sure if she could remember how to skate on ice. As it turned out, it was like riding a bicycle.

She slid at full speed till the middle of the rink and then effortlessly made a full rotation using just one leg as she extended the other one behind at hip level. Then she noticed Jack was just watching from the sidelines and skated towards him with a worried look. "Is something wrong, Jack?"

He shook his head. "Not at all. It's that I'm just enjoying watching"

"You don't know how to ice skate, do you?" she felt like a complete moron for not asking him that before. She had just assumed that if he didn't, he would have said something. But now she realized that, knowing Jack Bauer, she should have never made such assumption.

"This is more an east coast sport" he excused himself with a shrug, trying not to lose face.

"Then you should have told me something instead of letting me bring you here!" she scolded him while punching his arm playfully.

He shrugged again. "I wanted to do something you'd enjoy"

She smiled and shook her head marveled. Sure, it had been a sweet gesture. Bur she knew there was another reason. Then she stated firmly "Jack Bauer, you have one great heart. But an ego bigger than this country"

Jack was truly unaffected. She definitely wasn't the first one to accuse him of having an ego of massive proportions. He grinned and told her "Just go and have fun, my ego and I are fine looking from here"

Renee shook her head with determination. "No way! I have a better idea. I'll teach you"

"You really don't have to"

"I know. But I want to"

"All right" He agreed a bit reluctantly. He would be so embarrassed if he messed up. But for the sake of cheering her up, he was willing to give it a try.

Renee taught him how to slide the blades on the iced surface, one foot after the other, and using the arms to help maintain the balance. Then, to show him, she skated farther away from him and made a simple rotation with both feet on the ice. Then she slid towards him again. This time she extended both her arms and took tightly his hands.

"Do you trust me, Jack?" she asked solemnly.

"I trust you" He replied looking into her gorgeous light bluish eyes.

At that moment, she began skating backwards facing him and still holding strongly his hands. She took him around the iced surface like that for a while. Pretty soon he got the basics, so Renee let go his hands and skated backwards even faster to maintain her visual of him then when she was far enough she stopped and gestured him to come to her. He managed to skate fast towards her. But when he tried to stop, he nearly collided with her. Except that she took him firmly by his arms, preventing him to fall. His face winded up merely a few inches from hers.

"I got you" she said reassuringly. His light-greenish eyes were nailed on hers. And she felt almost intoxicated by the smell of his manly perfume, Ralph Laurent Polo Black. Her heart began beating faster.

He just nodded, overwhelmed by the proximity of her lips. He was suddenly feeling out of breath. He wanted to kiss her very badly. He caressed her cheek and placed one loose lock of auburn hair behind her ear. But when he was about to lean towards her, she abruptly skated away from him.

"Fine" Jack whispered to himself, with painful acceptance. He was so disappointed by her rejection. But he had to take the facts. She just wanted to be his friend, she needed a friend, and helping her was more important than his massive ego. So he was willing to be there for her as a friend.

Renee was suddenly feeling like a child again. She knew she couldn't have Jack, she knew it was wrong, but she had never wanted him more. '_Are you five? Have some self control, woman'_ she silently scolded herself.

She skated away from him fast and then made a spin with one leg in the ice and the other one inwards at the hip. Then she skated faster and made a twist with her arms extended in cross, one leg extended behind at hip level, and the upper part of her body bended in 90 degrees to be parallel to the ice.

Jack simply stared at her for a while, inappropriately liking what he was looking at. He couldn't help himself. She was so beautiful. And she had a great body. She was skinny, had a tiny waist and her breasts were big and perfectly shaped. He forced himself to stop that train of thinking. '_It's wrong… don't go there…_' He harshly reprimanded himself. He was supposed to be her friend.

"How did you learn to do that?" he asked impressed as he skated towards her barely managing not to fall.

Renee caught him again, before he fell. But this time she made a huge effort to maintain more distance between them. She shrugged acting unfazed. "You would have learnt too if you had dated a hockey player in high school"

He huffed, and teased her "A huge guy with no teeth? Sorry, not my type"

Then Renee gasped in fake indignation and playfully hit his chest. She couldn't help a small giggle.

Jack all of a sudden felt the impulse to prove himself. So he skated fast away from her and tried to do one of those twists he had seen her doing. But failed miserably and winded up falling to the ice on his butt. Renee rushed to help him get up and tried hard not to laugh. She took his hands and helped him get back on his feet. He nearly lost his balance and he held him from the arms. They were really close again. He couldn't help himself and caressed her cheek, wishing so badly he could kiss her.

She felt herself melting. She wanted him so badly, but that was wrong. She couldn't have him. Unexpectedly, she turned around and skated far away from him increasing her speed, as a way to run away from him and her own thoughts and feelings. If Jack had been able to see her face he would have seen her eyes were wet with tears she was trying to prevent. She kept skating fast and spinning, as if that could numb her heart and soul, until she suddenly ran out of energy.

Jack struggled to overcome his disappointment. He had to be his friend, and nothing more, since that was what she wanted. The scars of her wrists told him just how badly she needed someone to be there for her. She needed him to be her friend. Resignedly, he skated towards her. He whispered softly "Hey, Renee. I don't know about you. But I'm ready to have dinner. What do you think?"

Her resistances couldn't hold anymore. She nodded. "Dinner would be nice, Jack"

"Where do you wanna go?"

But all the sudden, the idea of being in public became too overwhelming. She was absolutely exhausted and sweaty for skating. Her makeup was a bit ruined for the few tears she had shed. Plus, her hair had never been messier. For the first time ever, she couldn't stand the noises of the traffic and the crowd. Those normal sounds were scaring her. She didn't even know why she was feeling so restless and frightened. But she wanted to go somewhere quiet and safe. "Could we…? Could we just go to your place?"

"Of course" He replied softly as he nodded. He knew she wasn't hinting anything. That was obvious. He understood perfectly just by looking into her eyes that all she needed was the company of an understanding friend. Nothing more, nothing less. He offered his arm whispering "let's go"

Her lips curbed in a small grateful smile and linked arms with him.

**7 PM – Chelsea -**** Jack's apartment **

They walked into his apartment. Jack took off his brown leather jacket, left it carelessly on the couch and moved to the kitchenette with the bags of take-out food he had gotten for both of them. "I'll reheat this and set the table. You make yourself comfortable"

"Thanks" Renee said, as she looked around with curiosity and got off her jacket. Apparently, there was one big room with a kitchenette that served as studio, living room and dining room at the very same time. She noticed there were two other smaller rooms. The doors were opened, so she glanced quickly inside and realized one was Jack's bedroom and the other one was obviously for little Teri. Then she headed to the library, next to the kitchenette. In addition to a big collection of books and movies, there were a few framed family pictures on display. One was of Kim with her husband and little Teri, the child was blowing three candles placed over a chocolate cake. In a second one, Jack was holding his grandchild, and he was looking sweetly at the child. And then she saw a very adorable picture of little Teri at a beach, wearing a while summer dress and smiling happily at the camera. Renee smiled bitter-sweetly thinking how cute that was. "This picture is lovely, Jack"

He saw the picture he was referring to and smiled. "Yeah… that was in Malibu"

"Do you miss California?" She was just curious. Being in New York was getting difficult for her because of all the bad memories. Did Jack felt the same way about L.A.? She actually didn't think so. She knew that even after the death of his wife he had actually worked in CTU L.A., his very own and personal ground zero. She thought he was a much stronger person than she could ever hope to be.

That question made him feel a bit awkward. It would raise the question of whether he wanted to move back or not. And he had honestly no idea. So he gave her a non-answer. "I was there recently, for my nephew's graduation from med school"

"That's good" She said, not missing that he had dodged her actually question, but letting it go.

They sat at the table, and then he realized he had automatically bought a coca-cola, force of habit. He couldn't mix alcohol with drugs. "Oh, I'm so sorry. I forgot to ask… Do you want wine or something? I could still go and get…"

"That's okay, Jack" she interrupted him gently.

"Seriously? Because it's not…" He began explaining.

"It's really okay" she interrupted him reassuringly, finding it incredibly sweet how much he cared. 

Then he smiled, knowing she wasn't lying. He served the pasta he had bought and they ate rather quietly. Jack noticed Renee looked way more relaxed now. But he remained silent because he was afraid of saying something wrong that could scare her away. Later, he put away the dishes in the sink and served the apple pie he had gotten for dessert. Then he dared making a casual comment. "By the way, thank you for teaching me something new today. That was fun"

"You know, Jack. I still can't figure out how you did it" She told him genuinely impressed.

That confused him. "What are you talking about? I was terrible"

"I'm not talking about your nonexistent skating skills" she clarified quickly.

"Hey" he protested with fake indignation.

But she looked into his eyes and spoke almost gravely. "I mean that after everything that's happened to you, it was truly amazing to see you skating at all"

"It was astonishing for me too. One moment, I was in a hospital wishing for my life to end. Next thing I know I wake up and find out I have a future worth living for, after all", he admitted candidly. His intention was to make her see that if his life had changed for the better against all odds, so could hers.

Renee knew when Jack woke up from the coma, he found out he had a granddaughter and a daughter who loved him so much more than he had thought. Realizing that his family was his reason to live felt like a dagger in her heart. She had lost her chance to have a family. Yet, she tried to put that thought away and told him sincerely, "You have no idea how glad I am that Kim didn't listen to you"

"And I'm glad you didn't listen to me" he told her seriously. Then he added mockingly "So, basically, I owe my life to the fact that two girls half my size weren't intimidated at all by me."

Renee rolled her eyes. "Oh, poor Jack, how the mighty has fallen"

Then he took her hand and looked deeply into his eyes as he told her seriously "One day you'll be happy that someone saved your life too, I give you my word"

She took her hand away and looked down so embarrassed feeling she was about to break. She shook her head and said in a whisper "I don't have what you have"

"Give yourself time, Renee. You could still have…"

Knowing what he probably would say, she put her hand softly on his mouth to make him stop. "Please, don't say it." She pleaded in a soft whisper. She then said firmly "You know nothing, Jack. I'm too weak. I'm a coward"

"You are everything but a coward" he said completely angry now. Nothing made Jack angrier than the fact that these days she seemed to think so little of herself. He couldn't understand why she hated herself so badly, but seemed to think he was some sort of hero. How could she not see how capable and amazing she was? How could a person so smart lack completely of self awareness?

"You barely know me" she protested, fearing that if Jack truly knew him he wouldn't think of her as highly.

Yet, in spite of the little time he had known her, he felt he had learnt more about her than what most people learnt in years. "That may be so. But I do know this… You trusted me when the whole world had turned against me. You risked your job by helping me without hesitating. And when you thought I was working with dangerous terrorists, you weren't scared to go after me without backups. You yelled at me, looking straight into my eyes while I held a gun at you head. I buried you alive, for God's sake, and you were back at work in a matter of minutes. Oh, sorry about that, by the way."

That had been awful at the time, but at this point it was like a small drop in the huge ocean of all her bad memories, so she half-smiled and told him "no biggie"

"Fine, but let me go on, because I'm on a roll. They told me you chased after General Juma by yourself. He was a mass murderer. But you went after him. And you saved my life disarming that bomb risking your own life. And the list could go on and on." Then he held her hand and got more serious than ever. "But my point, Renee, is this… regardless of what you might feel about yourself now. That day you were absolutely fearless."

"Fearless?" she asked smiling slightly at his use of that word. Strangely, she felt as she did when she was little and pleased the man who back then was her hero. Except that now she was no child.

"I mean it. You are fearless, Renee" Jack said completely oblivious of the weigh that word carried for her. He tentatively moved his chair just a bit closer to her. He truly didn't want to scare her. But he couldn't resist the urge to caress her cheek and move a lock of her hair behind her ear.

This time she didn't want to move away from him. When he caressed her cheek, Renee just closed her eyes allowing herself to feel his touch. As soon as she opened her eyes, she saw the man who made the ground beneath her spin, a man who made her feel things she hadn't felt in so many years. And surely she knew it was wrong. But that suddenly made him even more appealing.

It is a fact that French fries taste so much better when you steal them from somebody else's plate.

And now that it was wrong for her to be with Jack Bauer, she wanted him more than ever.

Surprising the hell out of him, she leaned forward and kissed Jack with consuming hunger. He kissed her back and got completely carried away as his tongue caressed hers. He made her sit on his lap as they continued making out. It had been so long since he had last been kissed that he was afraid to stop and realize he had been dreaming all along.

He picked her up and carried her to her bedroom, never breaking the kiss, and gently put her on his bed. But as he was taking his shirt off, he remembered the scars that had once horrified her. He'd had plastic surgery to fix the ones on his chest, but he still had several nasty ones on his chest. So, he whispered softly "Just wait a second, don't even move"

She didn't know what he was about to do. But she waited gladly.

Jack simply turned off all lights and closed every blind in the apartment to make sure the room was fully dark. Then he went quickly to his bed and kissed Renee. He ran her fingers through her now loose hair.

Right there in the dark, Renee had the strangest feeling. She looked up and, out of the blue, the most horrible man in the universe was on top of her. She felt so terrified and confused. She could see and feel Vladimir touching her, kissing her and trying to undo her bra. She could even smell his favorite drink. It was gross and horrifying. She punched him hard on the face and pushed him off the bed while she screamed "Stop it! Stop doing this to me!"

Jack was petrified not knowing how to react. Renee's sudden change left him totally perplexed.

As soon as he turned the lights on, Renee snapped right back to reality. She took one look at Jack and realized what had happened. She was mortified. "Oh my God… Oh, God. Jack, I'm so sorry"

"Just saying no would have been fine, you know? I don't understand I thought you wanted this".

"I did. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean…" was all she could mutter, in shock, as she sat on the edge of the bed. She couldn't explain Jack what had truly gone on her head. It terrified realizing how her mind had tricked her. She didn't understand it herself.

He was still so perplexed. He had gotten carried away because it seemed she wanted the same thing he did. He sat next to her. "What happened, Renee? I would never… What's going on?"

"I don't know, Jack. It suddenly felt terrifying and I just wanted it to stop" It was the most honest answer she could give him. There was no way she could hide her tears now. As she cried, she covered her face with her hands in shame. "Please, forgive me. I can't do it. I thought I could. But I'm not ready yet"

"You could have just told me so" He stated gently. Then it abruptly hit him more violently than any punch he'd ever gotten. Once he thought about it clearly he realized there could only be one explanation for Renee's reaction. That kind of fear and disgust. Now he felt like a complete asshole. He took her hand gently, and feeling terrible for her, he said for confirmation "but… just 'saying so' didn't work for you at some time, didn't it?"

"It didn't" she confirmed with her voice barely audible and not daring to look at him. But then she threw her arms around him and held Jack as if her life depended on it. "I'm so sorry, Jack."

"It's okay. It really is okay. I understand" he told her as he rocked her in his arms.

"I don't know what's wrong with me" she whined feeling helpless. She couldn't understand why she had done that to Jack, somebody she actually liked so much. Even after she had acted like a lunatic, he still was being so nice with her. Why had she been so confused for that moment?

"Look, everything will be fine. You just need time. And I understand that. If you need to leave now, I won't get mad" he didn't want her to. But he didn't want her to feel forced to anything.

"Actually, I was hoping you'd let me stay" After having seen Vladimir, even if only in her head, she was absolutely petrified. She needed to stay with Jack.

"Of course… it's going to be fine" Jack whispered reassuringly.

They cuddled together in bed face to face. He had one arm around her and kissed her forehead.

Even in her darkest hour, Jack could see Renee clearly. Now that she could see him, she felt truly safe for the first time in a long time. She could close her eyes, and absorbed his fragrance. Knowing she was in his arms, she could fall sound asleep right there.

**TO BE CONTINUED….. **

**(Please, keep sending reviews, I love them!)**


	8. Don't ask, don't tell

**AUTHORS NOTE: **THANKS EVERYBODY! I appreciate the nice reviews, but constructive criticism is also very welcome. I hope you like the small changes in the story better.

**SERIES: Everything went downhill from there**

**PART ONE: A total eclipse of the heart**

**Previously:** Jack tried to kiss Renee but she rejected him because she is scared of falling in love, she feels she's poisoned and she's planning to leave the country. She eventually caved in and they made out. But right before making love she panicked when she saw Vladimir in her head. Jack understood her and she decided to spend the night in his bed just sleeping and feeling safe.

There is a bold peace initiative that will be discussed in the UN.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own 24. It belongs to fox, Joel Surnow, Robert Cochran and Howard Gordon.

**CHAPTER 8:**

**DON'T ASK, DON'T TELL**

**YEAR 2018 – ****March 25****th****, Sunday **

**5 AM**** - Chelsea, New York City – Jack's apartment **

'_Help me, Jack. Please don't let them do this to me' _

'_You're cursed, Jack. Everything you touch, one way or another, ends up dead'_

'_How many people died because of you, Jack?'_

'_Help me, Jack.' __'How many people died because of you, Jack?'__ 'You're cursed, Jack.' 'Help me, Jack' 'You're cursed, Jack.'__ 'How many people died because of you, Jack?'_

'_Please don't let them do this to me' 'Everything you touch, one way or another, ends up dead __'__ 'Please don't let them do this to me'. __'How many people died because of you, Jack?' _

'_Everything you touch, one way or another, ends up dead'_

Jack woke up startled, gasping for air. Those voices suddenly weren't there, haunting him, anymore. All he heard were the regular noises coming from the street. He blinked a few times as reality sunk in. He looked at Renee who was sleeping peacefully next to him. Making sure not to wake her up, he got up and went to the bathroom.

Once in there, he locked the door just in case she woke up. He took the morphine out of his secret compartment, hidden behind the mirror, and gave himself a shot. He needed it badly. He was sweating, his head was aching awfully and he was already feeling the familiar uncontrollable temblor in his hands.

He knew he had to quit using eventually. He had to be strong enough and quit. In six weeks he would have his very last lumbar puncture and the doctor would be forced to give him anesthesia for one final time. Maybe he could try getting clean for good after that. But going through detox again wasn't something he was looking forward too.

He took a shower and waited for the drug to kick in. After a long shower, he felt more relaxed.

So he put the same clothes he had slept with and climbed back in bed next to Renee, who continued sleeping like a baby. Jack realized that this was probably her first good night of sleep in ages. He smiled at the sight of her serene and beautiful features. It felt so good to see her like that, lost in some peaceful dream, right next to him.

Not being able to help himself, he carefully took her in his arms wishing to hold her protectively while she was deeply asleep. But she moved a little. Then Jack froze, afraid to scare her and mentally cursing himself for being so stupid. Fortunately, she didn't wake up. Instead she just moved in her sleep until her head was resting comfortably in his torso, one of her arms was wrapping his waist and one of her legs was on top of his. It was as if she had instantly known it was him.

Naturally, they both had slept with their clothes on. He could have offered her some old t-shirt or some of his pajamas, which were manly and certainly not suitable for her but probably comfortable anyway. However, sleeping in their regular clothes was his way to reassure her that she could trust him. As much as he desired her, whatever it was that they had going on would not include the ultimate physical intimacy until she decided otherwise. That had been the unspoken deal they had made last night.

He took a moment to close his eyes and savor this rare blissful instant. He slid his fingers from the beginning to end of her long dark auburn hair. Then he drifted off into a slumber not knowing whether it was the drugs or her presence what made him feel so nice and forget about her nightmare. All he knew was that while holding her that way he could stay in bed all day long.

**8.00 AM**

Once he was full awake again, it didn't surprise him to realize that she still wasn't. He knew how badly she needed her rest. So he reluctantly left the comfort of his bed and changed into a blue t-shirt and jeans. Then he made sure to leave everything in the bathroom immaculately neat and even placed a set of clean towels near the bathtub, foreseeing the possibility that she might want to take a shower. Afterwards he picked up the New York Times that had been delivered to his doorstep and put it on his dining table.

He noticed Renee had left her backpack on his couch. Jack was suddenly hit with the urgent need to see what was on it. She had been so cryptic while talking about her current life. She could be hiding something truly important. Curiosity was truly killing him. The backpack was huge and it was weird that she carried so many things around. He tried hard to restrain himself. It was wrong. He knew it would be a gross invasion of her privacy. You couldn't just go through somebody's things. But he couldn't help himself. He had to know what he was hiding from him. He decided to take only one quick peek.

The first then he noticed was a 9mm. Jack Bauer was more than used to weapons. But there was one terrifying thing about Renee's gun: the possibility that she could use it against herself. However, he shook his head trying to dismiss the idea in a heartbeat. She was depressed and clearly in trouble, but she wouldn't think of suicide anymore. Never again. The purpose of the gun had to be self-protection. It just had to. After all, he had one too. It was for self-protection. '_You can take an agent away from the job, but you can never take the job from the agent',_ Jack silently mused. He tried to convince himself that Renee would never feel as depressed again.

Renee also had in her backpack her cell phone, her sunglasses, a pocket diary, her wallet and, surprisingly, two pocket books for people to study German. Then he noticed she had a toilet kit, with a hair brush, a teeth brush and her makeup. There were a few of what seemed to be amenities from some hotel: soap, shampoo, hair conditioner. And then a small bag with a clean set of underwear. Plus her black t-shirt was neatly folded at the bottom along with a pair of jeans and her brownish jacket. There was also a bag with pair of sneakers. But the weirdest items were hidden in an inner pocket: one silver rosary and a very old copy of "The art of War".

He stopped dryly without digging in any deeper. Jack suddenly put everything where he had found it, feeling truly unsettled. This wasn't a regular big black backpack. This was Renee's 'escape-bag'.

He recalled the days when he was living like a fugitive, having faked his own demise. Back then, he had prepared himself for the possibility of having to run away abruptly. So he had put everything he could possibly need on his brown bag. He had there everything he could need, and some small possessions he cherished too much to leave behind. He took a deep breath trying not to freak out before actually knowing all the facts.

The obvious conclusion was that, for some unknown reason, Renee was sure that at any given point she would have to leave suddenly, probably to Germany, if the books meant anything. She seemed to be prepared to run away quickly at any given time. He suddenly felt very troubled by the mere thought of her leaving his side. There were so many questions he was dying to ask her. The already long list of questions he had for her kept growing every second.

But truth be told, he didn't share absolutely everything with her either. There was plenty of stuff he was hiding from her. For starters, she had no idea he was using drugs again. Also, she was clueless about the possibility that he might move back to L.A with his family. Moreover, she didn't know how terrified he was because of that damn curse which seemed to be upon him.

Therefore, he decided to cut her some slack for the moment. People got to know each other over time. One earned somebody else's trust little by little. And for people like him and Renee, who had seen the very worst of humanity, trusting somebody was the hardest thing to do.

**8.30 AM **

She woke up and the first thing that she heard was the familiar sound of traffic outside the window. She heard different vehicles approaching, passing by and receding. The noises they made were complimented by a couple of honks. It was a new morning in New York City. For a moment, she found that a little bit scary. But at the same time, she knew she had to bear with it.

Renee rubbed her eyes, rolled onto her back and took one look around. The first thing that she saw was the bright sun outside making the blinds covering the small window look of a beautiful shade of yellow. The entire room seemed painted in orange and gold. She liked the light. It made her see everything clearer and less intimidating.

She had woken up in Jack Bauer's bedroom. It was extremely odd considering the circumstances. She never thought she would ever wake up in Jack's bed. But strangely, that was not at all frightening. Indeed, it was quite the opposite of frightening. She had spent her first night of good sleep in ages. And she had neither gotten drunk nor taken too many sleeping pills. It had been Jack who had comforted her. He had protected her.

She left the bed, opened the door of the bedroom and entered the main room. Her gaze went straight to Jack, who seemed concentrated in reading the news paper. He was looking so sexy with his hair damped, a navy blue t-shirt and jeans. She just watched him silently for a moment with so many conflicted emotions. He had been so nice, so understanding and so sweet. But she couldn't help feeling mortified. He knew part of what had happened to her. And she had acted so crazy. It was simply too awkward. She approached him tentatively and greeted him very softly. "Morning, Jack"

"Morning", he noticed she was uncomfortable. So he smiled warmly, to make her feel at ease. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah" As soon as she saw the look in Jack's eyes, she could actually relax a little. His eyes and his friendly smile were telling her not to be embarrassed, to be comfortable around him. It made her feel better and gave her enough confidence to smile back at him.

Then she took a peek for over his shoulder at what Jack was reading. It was an article about President Taylor and the upcoming summit. Renee was relieved to have an excuse to talk about anything other than her own troubles. As she sat next to him, she said sarcastically "So, we'll give peace a chance?"

"That's all she's saying" Jack shrugged, not quite believing Allison Taylor could pull that one off, yet relieved because it was absolutely not his problem anymore. He was just a normal retired guy reading the news and looking after a woman he cared about. He suggested, "I was about French toast for breakfast, do you like them?"

"I love them" she said sincerely in a heartbeat. It was her favorite breakfast, along with pancakes, because her mom made it every Sunday. After having breakfast together the Walkers always went to Mass. At church, Renee had learned nice things about God, which she had believed deeply for years. Now she knew she had been lied all along. But those had been such nice moments… she missed her age of innocence.

"Good" Jack replied as he started to get breakfast ready.

Jack was looking so attractive. He had showered recently, and had clean clothes. Suddenly, she became too aware of the fact that she looked like shit. "I'm sorry, Jack… do you mind if I take a shower?"

"Not at all, I left some towels for you"

"Thanks"

As she left to take her shower, Jack was about to set the electric coffee maker. But he decided to wait for Renee to come back before making breakfast, so it wouldn't get cold. He set his computer on the desk and checked his e-mails. He had the usual junk mail, also two new mails that interested him.

'_Jack, how are you? I'm sorry I can't call you. CTU NY is taking all I got. They changed the computer system entirely. I'm having a hard time learning the new one. Why would they change MY system anyway? It was perfect. PERFECT. I lost track of how many lives were saved when the CTU used those "old" servers. If it's not broken, don't fix it! Fine, I admit it. I'm just whining because I'm frustrated. I was left behind and, by the way, I work for a complete asshole. The new CTI director can be such a jerk. And you should see the new 'me'… Her name is Dana Walsh and she thinks too much of herself. _

_Well, I should go back now. I desperately needed to vent to avoid blowing up at work. Now that I'm not the brilliant one anymore I actually have to be nice to people. Anyway, I hope you are Okay. Write me! I want to know what you have been up to. Chloe_'

'_Dear friend, I hope you are still enjoying of that beautiful family of yours and in good health. Mecca is just as amazing as I remembered. My father brought me as a little boy and I'm glad I was able to come back to this sacred place after so many years. I can't believe yesterday was I actually standing where Muhammad proclaimed Islam to the word. It's extremely hard to explain with words what Mecca means to a Muslim. Just close your eyes try picturing the place where you belong. Imagine a place where you are supposed to be._

_Anyway, about what you asked in your last mail, the answer is this: 'Nothing will happen to us except what Allah has decreed for us: He is our protector'. Think about that. I hope to visit you when I'm back to the states. Blessings. Muhtadi Gohar.'_

Jack thought it had to be great having as much faith as Gohar. Even thought Jack had never shared his friend's believes, he had come to admire his devotion and spirituality. After Gohar gave him forgiveness and peace, Jack started believing a little in God and fate. But he was still very far from considering himself a religious man.

He heard Renee coming out of the bathroom, so he shut down the computer and smiled. She looked sexy with her hair fully wet and loose.

"So, Jack, what have you been up to?"

"Just checking my e-mails. Do you want to check yours?"

Renee shrugged "thanks, but I don't think I have any"

It occurred to Jack that until recently that would have been his answer. It also came to his mind that he knew nothing about Renee's family, which seemed non-existent. Did she not have any siblings? And where were her parents? Aunts or uncles? She had to have someone. But then again, until recently he had nobody either.

"Okay, then you can help me make breakfast if you want" he suggested casually, only so she'd be distracted. But the idea seemed to terrorize her for a second.

"Oh, I'd love to. But I can't cook. Trust me. I had complains" She said with her demeanor extremely somber.

"But making French toasts is very easy" Jack said a bit thrown aback. It wasn't a big deal whether she could cook or not, he was just surprised because her reaction seemed too strong considering it was just a silly breakfast.

Renee shook her head. She was a terrible cook and she knew it. When she was little, her mom did all the cooking for the family. Later, she had lived on take-out or microwave dinners during her student years, having too little time from cook. Renee never even had to boil an egg. And after Jimmy's death, she had lost all interest in anything that resembled a domestic chore. Years after that, Vladimir had constantly made her cook for him, because she was a girl and he was an asshole. But he had been always yelling at her for doing everything the wrong way.

So Renee assured him, "Trust me, Jack. The only thing I can successfully make in a kitchen is a mess"

Jack got a bit annoyed thinking she was only putting herself down as she always did these days. He wished she had more confidence in herself. Maybe helping him and seeing she was wrong to think so little of herself would be good for her. And it could serve as a diversion. So he suggested casually, "Well, then I could teach you."

"Okay" She agreed, not very certain. The idea of cooking anything was not tempting. But Jack had been incredibly nice to her, therefore, Renee was willing to give it a go and help him.

"I'll show you" Jack put three eggs, and milk on a bowl and began whisking. Then he stepped aside stating, reassuringly "See? It's simple"

Renee took over and began to whisk what was on the bowl like he had done. Meanwhile, Jack putted the frying pan over the stove. Then she asked "Now what?"

"Now we take that bread over there and cut it" He handed the bread and the knife to Renee, who started chopping it as Jack went to his fridge to get some milk for their lattes and began setting the table.

Her lips curbed in a small smirk. Renee noticed a huge difference. For once, she was making breakfast _with_ a man and not _fo__r_ an abusive and worthless jerk. It was so different. Vladimir always yelled loudly things like "_Renee, you are useless_" "_You can't do anything!_" "_That's wrong_" "_This crap you call a sandwich?_" She could still hear clearly those phrases in Russian accent which were always followed by a harsh slap, and more harsh critics.

"Renee wait, that's wrong" Jack said, barely raising his voice a little.

She startled and put her hands in front of her face as a reflex. Jack was extremely stunned by her reaction. He was only going to tell her that if she cut it too thin the bread would get burn. Jack's heart so much ached for her. Obviously she was even more traumatized than he had thought. "It's okay. No big deal…"

Renee just kept staring at the bread, feeling like an idiot, not daring to move or even look at Jack. She shook her head. A single tear ran through her cheek, but she brushed it right off. She hated feeling so helpless. She hated the fact that she couldn't even do the most mundane things because that man was still in her head. Still looking down, she said in a begging whisper "Just show me how to do it". She was talking about so much more than just cooking.

"Of course" Jack replied softly, as he wrapped himself around her from behind, protectively. Then he gently took her hand with the knife and led her as they both cut six medium sized slices of bread.

When they were done with that, Renee turned around and her face winded up merely inches from Jack's. His gorgeous light greenish blue eyes were looking at her so kindly. His touch had felt so comforting. And she could smell the Ralph Laurent Polo Black after-shave lotion, which she liked a lot. Without hesitation, she put her arms around his neck and brushed softly his lips with hers. Jack kissed her back with his arms tightly wrapped around her waist. They melted in a sweet kiss that soon became more passionate.

But before things could go too far, Jack forced himself to break the kiss. He didn't want to intimidate her when, clearly, she still needed more time to heal.

She appreciated greatly that he wasn't rushing her or pushing her in anyway. He gestured at the bread and asked nonchalantly, "So, what's next?"

"Well, now, we dip those slices in the egg and milk mixture"

She did as he had said, while Jack turned on the stove and melted some butter on the frying pan. Then Renee placed the slices of bread on the frying pan as Jack got a bottle of honey and another one of syrup and placed then on the table. Soon they were sitting around it, enjoying quietly the breakfast they had made together as a team.

Then Jack's cell phone rang, because of the caller ID., he knew it was his daughter, so he took the call right away. "Hi sweetheart" A glad smile was suddenly on his face. Then he mouthed '_Kim_', to let Renee know who it was. After listening to what his daughter said, he replied "Sure, I can… but, could I bring someone along?" He took a look at Renee and, after a pause, he replied a bit awkwardly "Renee Walker" He waited for Kim's response, and then he replied "Well, because I want to. She's a friend" After another pause, Jack said "Thanks, sweetheart. We'll meet you there"

"What's going on?" Renee asked with curiosity.

"Kim and her husband are taking Teri to the Museum of Natural History later. They invited me to go with them. I would like you to come too, is that okay?"

Renee got a bit awkward. "Oh, no, I shouldn't intrude… it's your family"

"I invited you. You are not intruding" He insisted firmly so assure her that he meant that.

It suddenly hit her that her new light blue shirt had elbow-length sleeves, so her scars were quite visible. Renee instinctively looked at the light-red lines on her skin that went from her wrists up till half her anterior forearms. That when she had got it she hadn't truly thought about the scars. And she had a jacket to wear outside anyway. But now it was all she could think off. Her suicide attempt. Was that why Jack wanted her to join him while he spent time with his family? Was he just too scared of what she could do to leave her out of sight? She hated the idea that he was sort of keeping her under 'suicide watch'. Trying not to show she was annoyed by what she believed was in Jack's mind, she assured him "I can see you tomorrow, Jack… I'm fine… you don't have to…"

"I know I don't have to" He guaranteed her categorically. He could see her tomorrow… except he had seen her 'escape-bag', so he knew 'tomorrow' she could be gone from his life for good. Thn he took her hand and softly rubbed its dorsum with his thumb, as he whispered "I want you there. I figured we could all have a good time."

"Even Kim?" Renee had a sarcastic '_yeah, right_' printed all over her face. It would be odd, at best, for Kim since Renee had gotten back in Jack's life out of the blue, in an undefined capacity and merely a few days before. So she explained candidly, "She probably wants to spend time with her family and without a stranger in the way"

"You are not a stranger, Renee. She only met you once, but that one time you saved her life and mine" He honestly believed Kim would enjoy seeing her again. However, Jack wouldn't force Renee to do anything she didn't want to do, "Look, if you don't want to come with us. That's fine. It's entirely up to you. Just… know that you are very welcome to join us" Then he swallowed hard and made a difficult confession in a low whisper, as he ran her fingers through her damped long hair. "And I invited you because I… I like… I like having you around"

Against all her good sense, Renee leaned forward and brushed her lips against his. They got lost in another kiss. A kiss that said what she couldn't say with words. That she liked being her around too. She needed to be around him. But she just knew she wasn't right for him. However, at that moment her feelings for him annulled her mind completely. Suddenly, she found the idea of not being next to him unbearable. "Okay, Jack. I wanna go" She said nodding. Then, a bit awkwardly, she added "I just need to get a shirt with long sleeves first"

**12.30 PM - Museum of natural History**

Jack and Renee saw Kim, Stephen and little Teri walking towards them. As soon as she spotted her grandpa Jack, the little girl let go her mom's hand and ran to Jack's arms squealing happily "Grandpa!"

"Hey, sweetheart" he said as he lifted her up and made her spin like she liked before kissing her cheek.

"Hey, dad" Kim greeted with a warm smile and kissed her dad on her cheek. Then she turned to look distrustfully at Renee Walker. Kim noticed quickly that the other woman looked nothing like she remembered her. She greeted her politely but coldly "nice to see you again, Ms. Walker"

Renee interpreted Kim's coldness as awkwardness over seeing Jack with a woman who supposedly had no relationship whatsoever with him and had shown up out of the blue. She was about to greet her back, but Teri interrupted squealing happily "Hi _D_enee! Grandpa, your friend is here!"

Jack grinned "I know, sweetheart. Isn't that nice?"

"Hi, princess" Renee greeted the child warmly with a kiss in the forehead. Then she addressed Kim, "It's nice to see you too, Kim… and it's nice you meet you Steve"

"Nice to meet you too, Ms. Walker" Steve greeted politely. "Thanks for buying the ducks for Teri, she loves them"

"You are welcome" she replied.

They walked in the museum and immediately after getting the tickets Teri said she was hungry. So they went to the museum's cafeteria and got pizza for everybody. Kim was determined to find out as much as she could about Renee. She didn't mind her dad having a girlfriend. But Renee didn't seem exactly like the kind of woman who would encourage him to have a normal, safe and quite life in California, with his family. "So, Ms. Walker…"

"You can call me Renee" She interrupted gently.

Kim disregarded that. "So, I heard you left the FBI, what do you do now?"

Renee explained feeling truly awkward, "I'm between jobs"

Kim nodded acting sympathetic. "So, you moved here to look for a job?"

"I didn't move to New York" Renee stated, managing to dodge the question about her job.

"What are you doing here? How long will you stay?" Kim asked pretending she was simply trying to make a conversation. But she had made the jackpot question. Jack himself was dying to hear the answer.

"I'm waiting for something to get solved, so I can leave" she replied trying to be as vague as possible. Renee felt cornered. For some reason, she felt like a teen boy in front of his girlfriend's dad who was asking 'what are your intentions with my daughter?'

Jack's heart sunk to his feet when he heard confirmation that Renee was planning to leave. But he noticed how uncomfortable she was with the questioning. So he decided to put his daughter on her place. "Kim, enough with the interrogation!"

Little Teri had no idea what was going on, but she guessed, because of how harshly Grandpa Jack had spoken, that her mommy was in some sort of trouble. So she exclaimed surprised "mommy gets a time-out!"

That comment made everybody giggle. Then Kim said to her child "No, baby. Mommies don't get time-outs." Then she addressed her father, "I'm just trying to get to know Renee"

"Right, we are just talking, Jack" Renee said half-smiling, to seem less upset by the questions. Then she tried to make the conversation friendlier. "So, Kim, what do you think of New York?"

"I like the museums. But it's cold. Nothing beats the Californian sun. Have you ever been there?"

"Just once, on vacations. Well, I wanted to see the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library. Since I was there, I went to L.A. Malibu and San Francisco too. I liked it very much"

Immediately, sounding almost bitchy, Kim snapped "But you like New York more, don't you?"

Renee was thrown aback. She didn't really know how to answer that. But she didn't have to.

"That's enough, Kim" Jack gave his daughter a warning stare. Now he could guess what Kim's attitude was all about. She was blaming Renee for his hesitation about moving to California. And that was a topic he didn't want to discuss right at that moment.

Trying to break the tension and talk about any other issue, Steve said to his daughter "Teri, tell Grandpa and Ms. Walker about the place we visited yesterday, with the pool, remember?"

"Yeah… it had a pool, but it was inside, so the water wasn't cold. It was very fun"

"Really? That's great, sweetheart." Jack said, happy about the change of subject.

"And you have to swim with daddy or mommy" Teri said, mimicking what she had been told several times during her swimming lessons for toddlers.

That brought Renee a lot of bitter-sweet memories. But it again felt nice to remember a time when she was happy. She smiled at the kid, "You are right, princess. That's one very important rule about swimming"

"Look, I have pictures of the swimming lessons on my cell" Steve said, handing Jack the cell.

Jack looked through the pictures, naturally marveled and praising how cute little Teri looked. Renee watched the pictures along with him.

After lunch, Teri announced she had to 'go potty', so everybody decided to go take a bathroom break. The women and the men split up in two groups. Kim took her kid to the toilet, and then told her "now mommy has to go"

Renee was already done, so she offered "I can watch her meanwhile"

Kim hesitated for a moment, but then she agreed. "Okay, thanks".

Renee bended her knees to be at the child's eye level, and said "we should wash our hands, isn't that right, princess?". After Teri nodded, Renee picked her up and helped wash the child hands. But she winded up getting wet herself when Teri began splashing the water for fun."Hey! We were supposed to wash only our hands, not my clothes" Renee told her, although she found it impossible to get at all upset with the child.

At that moment, Kim walked out the stall, sighed resignedly and got in mother-mode as she picked up her child "Teri, we talked about that, remember? It's not nice."

"It's okay. It's only water", Renee shrugged as she got some paper-towels to get the sleeves of her blouse dry.

"By the way, Ms. Walker… I'm sorry if I bothered you by making so many questions earlier." Kim said a bit awkwardly, trying to be nicer, if anything to please her father.

Renee was more than willing to forget all about it. "Oh, that's all right. You wanted to get to know me better"

While Renee got her arms dry, Kim couldn't help seeing something shocking. There were scars in the former agent's forearm indicating a suicide attempt. She didn't know how to react. She simply decided to act naturally in front of Renee, to avoid awkwardness, and talk about her with her father as soon as she had the chance.

They joined the men and they all walked around the museum. The child was thrilled looking at all the dioramas that were exposed there. There were so many animals and to look at. When they reached the "Milstein Family Hall of Ocean Life" the little girl was awed at the sight of the full-size model of a blue whale that was suspended from the room. "That fish is very big!"

"Yeah… it's called blue whale, sweetheart" Jack explained.

"Blue whale" The child repeated. And then she wondered out loud "Where's the pink whale?"

"Well, there isn't any" Jack explained, hating to see how the little kid became disappointed.

"I wanna see a pink whale" Teri whined.

"I'm sorry, sweetheart. But there are no pink whales" Kim told the child. Teri had been learning the color, and gotten obsessed with the color pink.

Renee hated to see the child so disappointed too. "Well, I think I can get you a coloring book, with a whale on it… and you can make your very own pink whale"

"Really?" Teri asked, getting a bit exited with the idea.

"Yeah" Renee assured her solemnly.

"Renee, you don't have to get her the book… I'll buy it for her" Jack whispered in Renee's ear.

"No. I know I don't have to, Jack. But I wanna do it, it's nothing…" She whispered back at him, and her lips curbed in a tiny smile.

They all continued walked around the exhibition in direction to the gift-shop. The little girl kept asking question after question about everything they were seeing. The grown-ups answered patiently in a way the child could understand. They got to the gift shop and Renee found a coloring book with sea animals for Teri.

After that, the child wanted to continue looking around. Teri was quite taken by Renee and took her hand dragging the older woman around the exhibition. The others followed closely behind.

Jack was marveled watching Renee and Teri's interaction. He looked carefully at Renee. It was clear she was still depressed. Her smile never reached her eyes, which looked deeply sad. But obviously her affection for the child was so genuine. Watching Renee being so motherly only made him like her even more. Of course, he knew he shouldn't have any hopes. He had seen that bag of hers. And he had heard her saying she was planning to leave. But that made him so upset. He suddenly felt like in one of those dreams where you know you are dreaming.

Kim noticed with a lot of concern that her dad just couldn't take his eyes out of the woman he referred to as 'friend'. She approached Steve and asked him casually "Honey, can you please take Teri and Ms. Walker to the cafeteria for a snack? My dad and I will catch up with you in a second"

Steve naturally understood that his wife wanted a moment alone with her dad. He went to Renee and invited her and the child to the cafeteria, explaining that Kim needed a moment with Jack.

Once father and daughter were alone, they sat at a bench. Then Jack asked with concern "Is something wrong, sweetheart?"

Kim looked around nervously. It was such an uncomfortable situation. She tried to think the best way to ask what she needed to know. But she finally decided to go with the old just-say-it policy. "Daddy, is Renee your girlfriend?"

He was stunned. "Kim, I'm your father. I don't really owe you any sort of explanation"

"I know that! But I'm an adult. You can talk to me about anything. Not because you own me an explanation, but… to talk as friends" She then looked down sadly and hurt, trying to guilt-trip him. "For years I didn't even know your address. I didn't even know if you were alive. Now we are finally a family again, and I simply care about what's going on in your life."

Jack now felt actually bad. He had never meant to make Kim feel excluded from his life again. He already felt guilty enough for hiding his addiction to analgesics from her. He got closer to his daughter and put his arm around her shoulder. "Sweetheart, of course we can talk as friends. Look, if you must know. Renee is not my girlfriend"

He wasn't lying. He and Renee were simply friends who seemed to be getting closer, who apparently liked each other and made out. But she was far from being his girlfriend in an official manner.

Her father's answer didn't make Kim felt better. She had seen the way he looked at Renee. Obviously, something was going on there. She asked anxiously "But do you like her? Does she like you? Are you sort of dating?"

Jack now felt incredibly silly having this conversation as his age. He was a grandpa, and suddenly he felt like he was back in junior high talking to his best buddy about some girl he had a crush on. He replied mockingly "Well, I don't know, Kim. But after helping her with her math homework, I'll try to get to second base with her"

Kim just rolled her eyes. "I asked you a serious question, dad"

"What's with the sudden obsession with my love life?"

Kim moved away from him in a sudden and her face got somber. Her father's choice of words scared her. He actually considered Renee Walker a part of his love life. Looking almost in panic, she burped without thinking, "Because that woman can't be your girlfriend"

"Excuse me? Are you trying to tell me what to do?" he asked with a mixture of anger and surprise.

Kim tried to back down. Seeing her dad angry made her nervous. "No, of course I'm not. I'm sorry, it came off wrong. I meant it as an advice. I love you, and I don't want to see you get hurt"

"I appreciate your concern, but you don't have to worry" Jack couldn't have been more definitive. He didn't want his daughter taking so much concern in his personal life.

"I don't? You heard her yourself. She's leaving. She doesn't know where she's going or what she's gonna do."

What hurt Jack more about those words was the truth in them. The image of Renee's escape-bag kept popping in his head. Suddenly that reality became more than he could handle. He stood up and walked away towards the cafeteria announcing "This talk ends now, Kim"

Kim followed him closely, feeling frustrated. "Daddy, you are holding on to a fantasy"

His daughter was echoing what was already on his mind. Jack couldn't handle it. He turned around to face Kim abruptly. "I said this talk ends now!"

**TO BE CONTINUED…**

**PLEASE, read and review!**


	9. when you say nothing at all

**AUTHORS NOTE: **Thanks everybody for the support! I'll try to finish editing this first part as soon as possible so I can continue with the second part of the series (which is currently in hiatus). I hope you enjoy it.

**SERIES: Everything went downhill from there**

**PART ONE: A total eclipse of the heart**

**Previously:** Jack finds out Renee is planning to leave when he secretly searches her backpack, and he's not happy about it. But he doesn't dare ask her about that. He also has a secret of his own: his neurological condition made him addicted to pain killers.

Kim doesn't like her dad's relationship with Renee because he's bound to get hurt when she leaves and because she wants him to move to California. She sees Renee's scars but pretends not to notice.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own 24. It belongs to fox, Joel Surnow, Robert Cochran and Howard Gordon.

**CHAPTER 9: **

**WHEN YOU SAY NOTHING AT ALL**

**YEAR 2018 – ****March 25****th****, Sunday**

**4 PM -**** NEW YORK CITY -**** Museum of Natural History**

Jack stood up and walked away towards the cafeteria announcing "This talk ends now, Kim"

Kim followed him closely, feeling frustrated. "Daddy, you are holding on to a fantasy"

Jack turned around to face Kim abruptly. "I said this talk ends now!"

The young woman startled, feeling suddenly scared for her father. He was bound to end up seriously hurt. How could he not see he had no future with someone like Renee? He deserved to be happy for once in his life, and Renee was not the kind of woman who could make that happen.

However, she decided not to argue with him anymore. The last thing Kim wanted was to push her dad away from her. Her biggest dream was to take him back to L.A. with the rest of the family. For once, they were getting closer as a family and that was making her happier than she had been in years. And she would hate it to ruin that by having a fight over some woman he liked. So, she told him nodding "Okay. Dad, It's fine"

Jack nodded along, as he looked away and blinked nervously a few times and huffed. He was relieved that the conversation was indeed over. But, with or without talking, he couldn't ignore what was on his mind. And he felt a sudden sharp headache, which he successfully hid from his daughter.

But Kim could see clearly that her father was already hurt. He obviously knew she was speaking the truth about Renee, and it pained him more than he would care to admit. Trying to offer him some comfort, and an olive branch, she gave him a hug.

Jack held her tight. Neither one of them could stand to stay mad at each other anymore. They had been apart for far too long, and it had been so painful for both of them, so now they preferred to simply avoid all conflict when it was possible. "Let's just go find the others, sweetheart, okay?"

Kim nodded a bit reluctantly. Jack put a hand on her back and gently led her to the Museum's cafeteria. There they spotted Steve, little Teri and Renee sitting around the table with some muffins, orange juice, a chocolate milkshake and coffee. From the distance, Jack watched Renee gently cleaning some chocolate from the kid's nose and smiling sweetly. He could still see a lot of sadness in her eyes, but she seemed to be definitely in a better mood.

Renee had overall enjoyed the afternoon. The kid was adorable, precocious and very funny. And Renee actually was able to ignore certain mental pictures that popped in her head from time to time. They were like salt in the deepest of her wounds. But she couldn't afford to go down _that_ road. She had successfully suppressed those feelings for everybody's sake.

"So, Jack, are you already planning the celebration for the big day?" Steve asked when his wife and father in law joined the table.

"You mean when I'm officially done with my treatment?"

"Yes" Steve replied.

"What's _teament_?" The little girl asked confused by that big world.

"Remember how grandpa was sick?" Kim asked her daughter, who nodded. So she continued "Well… a treatment is something that makes him very good… like… like the medicine mommy gave you when you had a sore throat"

"I didn't like it!" the girl whined, remembering how gross the medicine had tasted.

"But I'm not sick anymore sweetheart, so I'm gonna stop taking the medicines soon" Jack assured his granddaughter. He felt like an asshole for lying to his entire family, plus Renee, like that. Sure, he was cure from his neurological decease. But he had become a junkie again. He was sick.

"Yay" Teri squealed happily.

"So, we wanna make something special. What do you think, Jack?" Steve asked his father in law.

"Well, I dunno. It's in six weeks I haven't thought of anything yet" He admitted. Frankly, he still had to get used to the whole 'celebration' thing. He recalled his last birthday, when he went back to his apartment, it was all dark, but he could sense somebody was there, so he drew his gun… But then Kim, Steve and Teri suddenly popped up yelling 'surprise!' They had decorated his apartment for a small birthday party. He had totally forgotten that was what normal people did on birthdays.

"But we should celebrate it, Daddy. Steve and I wanted to invite you to the Rainbow Room. Do you think you'll be up to it, two or three days after going to the doctor's?"

"Yeah, sure" Jack gladly accepted the invitation. Now he had people who cared about him. They were the reason he wanted to stay clean again. It was simply too damn hard.

"And of course, Miss Walker, you are invited as well" Steve said politely to Renee.

"If you are still in town" Kim added maliciously, earning herself an angry glare from her dad.

"Thank you" Renee said sincerely to Steve. Not saying whether she would be in town by then or not.

Jack fought hard to conceal his huge disappointment and the feeling of restlessness that was overtaking him. He had no idea how Renee felt about him, he didn't know what she wanted. The way she acted was so damn confusing. Sure, they had kissed three times and technically had gone out three times too, plus an accidental encounter. But they weren't dating _'officially'._

In a way, it was nice that their relationship had no label. Because every relationship he had ever had with any kind of label had ended truly badly… wife, lover, girlfriend… the women who had been in his life with a clearly distinct role had ended up badly. Even Michelle and Chloe, his friends... one had died and the other one had been about to more than once. So, for that reason, he found it comforting that what he had with Renee was so undefined. But, at the same time, he also found it extremely unsettling. Because that meant he was powerless to try stopping her from leaving or to demand any explanation from her. And he truly detested it when he was powerless.

**6 PM**** - 5****th**** Avenue **

Once they left the museum and Steve, Kim and Teri went home, Jack and Renee began walking down the 5th avenue. They were both feeling a kind of awkward.

Jack couldn't stop thinking about what Kim had said. His daughter's words kept repeating over and over again in his head. He looked at Renee waking by his side. Suddenly, the backpack she was carrying, her escape-bag, felt like an insult. He was merely holding on to a fantasy. He was restless and starting to really crave for his next fix. He needed something to calm himself down.

Renee was also in a middle of an emotional turmoil. She wanted to be with Jack, spend more time with him. She wanted time to get closer and get to know him better… That was what her heart truly wanted. But it abruptly it hit her that what she desired was normally called 'dating'. And that word scared the hell out of her. Besides, her mind kept telling her to run away as fast as possible because she was no good for him, she was far too damaged. She had to disappear for his sake. Except that she couldn't bring herself to actually walk away from him. She had to, but she didn't want to. So, she had no idea what to do.

And his icy silence was killing her. She understood why she was upset though. There were many things she should explain and confessions she ought to make. But the idea of going down _that_ road scared her. So, a bit awkwardly, she chose to break the silence by talking about a topic not related with her or their relationship. "So, your treatment ends in six weeks then. That's great. What do they do to you exactly?"

He kept walking with a somber expression on his face, as he explained indifferently "the steam cells from Kim's body are grown in a lav. Once a month I go for a lumbar puncture and they just inject some of them in my cerebrospinal fluid"

He kept walking fast until he realized that Renee wasn't next to him. He turned around and saw her standing there, just staring at him in shock, with her eyes wide open.

"Jack, you go through a lumbar puncture once a month? But there is no way they can do a lumbar puncture without some pain killer or anesthetic of any sort"

"They don't" he snapped abruptly at her, not being able to manage his edgy mood. He was felling a headache of growing intensity.

"Of course they don't, because they can't." She pointed out firmly what was obvious for her. She started babbling what she recalled about lumbar punctures "you have to be really still. If you moved an inch you could wind up paralyzed. Your back can be sore for hours after the procedure. You need some kind of medication"

"Renee, don't you think I know all that already?" he snapped again at her, almost yelling.

She startled for a second. She was just beginning to fully comprehend the real implications of it all. And she was starting to get worried about him. "Jack, isn't that a problem for you, given your history?"

"Don't worry. Everything's fine with me" he replied with a sharp tone that clearly expressed '_you-don't-care-about-me-so-just-fuck-off'_.

Renee was far from being intimidated by how angry he was. She felt too concerned about him. She took a few steps towards him and tentatively put a hand over his cheek forcing him to meet her gaze. As she looked deeply into his greenish eyes, she noticed his pupils were slightly constricted. When she examined him more carefully, she saw a soft blushing on his face and neck. Then she took his arm and predictably saw the tiny fresh marks of needles. Full of concern, and wishing desperately she could help him, she caressed them softly with the tip of her fingers just like he had done with her scars.

But Jack abruptly shook his arm away from her, and started walking faster and faster away from her. He was in no mood to have this discussion, especially considering how frustrated he was with her. He was furious, and he truly needed to calm down. He needed to get to his apartment. But he also needed to keep moving. His body urged him to keep walking. So instead of getting the first taxi available, he kept walking in direction to his apartment. At least for the moment his headache was gone. But it would come back soon. It always started intermittently. It never ended that way though. At some point, he would feel nothing but the pain in his head and back, and he would helplessly cave in to the analgesics.

She began walking right behind him desperately trying to keep up with him. "Jack!... Wait... Jack!"

"What?" he practically barked as he turned around abruptly to face her.

Renee startled for a second. They had suddenly winded up standing so close to each other. But he was so angry. He hadn't been this angry with her since he found out she had told Kim about his illness. She stepped back just a little bit. "I'm sorry, Jack. But I care"

"You care about what?" he barked loudly again. He knew he shouldn't yell at a woman who had once been abused, but he couldn't help feeling too irritated.

To Renee it was very unsettling being forced to admit out loud her feelings when she was too aware of the fact that she was no entitled to feel anything for him at all. She remained silent looking puzzled and embarrassed for a moment. She wanted to say it, but she really shouldn't.

But Jack had no disposition for what he considered a game she was playing. He could feel himself inevitably losing his temper. "Damn it! I asked you a question, what do you care about?"

"I care about you" she admitted with her voice barely audible. She didn't even dare to look at him. She could tell she was blushing. She felt as embarrassed as she did when she was 15 and had to go to confession because she liked a much older married man, the dad of her best friend. Her feelings for Jack felt as sinful to her.

"Meaning what exactly?" He believed his frustration was reaching a maximum point. He simply couldn't get her. He couldn't understand why she was saying that when it was obvious she didn't mean it. Even if Kim had expressed it in different words, to Jack it was evident that '_you are holding on to a fantasy_' actually meant _'she doesn't give a damn about you'_. Or so he had interpreted it.

Still feeling awkward, she answered "I'm concerned about you. If you are in trouble, I want to help you"

Jack shook his head. It was plain to see that he believed none of it. "You want to help me? Great! But you are leaving. So when does your offer of help expires exactly?"

Renee felt like a harsh and cold slap on her face. And it hurt so much more than the real ones she used to receive. She knew she totally had it coming. "So, that's making you so upset"

All Jack wanted at that point was to go home to take his painkillers. "Look, you don't really owe me an explanation." He acknowledged resignedly. But then he admitted "But, yeah... I'm pretty pissed right now. So, if you want to, we should talk when I'm in a better mood" Having said that, he kept walking, upset.

She felt terrible. As she followed him, she confessed helplessly "I don't know what to say, Jack"

"Then don't say anything at all" he said angrily and coldly, not even looking at her, never stopping walking.

Renee felt punched in her stomach. The last time he had said that, he had said it in such a sweet way, meaning he didn't need her words to understand her. Now that same phrase told in such a sharp tone basically meant _'fuck off'._ But she couldn't leave things like that. She still didn't know what to say, but she felt determined to somehow explain Jack her dilemma as soon as she found the right words. She followed him maintaining a prudent distance.

Jack kept walking never turning around, but he knew Renee was right behind him.

Without even noticing, they walked all the way to the Rockefeller Center. He suddenly felt too exhausted. He took a seat in a bench right in front the Ice Rink. He held his head with both hands now. The sharp headache was now back and in full force.

Renee sat next to him and silently watched thoughtfully at the skaters for a while. She noticed a couple, apparently on a date, kissing. Like she and Jimmy did on their first dates, when she was a lot younger and way more naïve. It had started with a crush… a strong attraction. Now she was so terrified. Jack was making her feel that way again. It always started that way… but before you know it…

Then Jack noticed she was shivering. Her leather jacket was apparently not enough for the sudden evening chill. And as irritated as he was, his protective instincts carried so much weigh than his anger, so he took off his own black leather jacket and wrapped her body with it.

Then Renee felt like a total piece of shit. Even when she didn't deserve it, he was still nice to her. But at least at that point she knew what to say. "I hate myself for doing this to you" she whined like a child with her eyes clouded by the tears. "I'm so messed up. I'm really screwed up. I'm sorry. I shouldn't complicate your life like this."

One tear rolled down her cheek. Jack brushed it away and shook his head sadly. He had never meant to make her cry. He didn't want her to feel guilty, he just wanted the truth. He needed to know how she felt. He admitted a bit reluctantly "I never said you are complicating my life. I just don't get you. You show up in New York, out of the blue, and we start getting along, spending time together and kissing... and truth be told, I enjoyed that a lot. But you are planning to leave. And that simply makes me upset"

Renee had never meant to mess him up and hurt him. She had to be honest with him and tell him what she had originally meant by 'showing up' in New York. "Look, when I left the FBI… I just… you know… I had a hard time… and I wasn't handling it well, so I wanted to run away. Disappear. Get a fresh start. But for that I needed first the help of a friend who lives in Brooklyn. That's why I came to New York"

"A friend? How is he exactly helping you?"

"He is getting some things I need to leave the country without leaving any trace,"

"Oh, so you are here just waiting for your fake ID's before going to Germany?" Jack asked truly annoyed without even thinking straight.

"Yeah... but..." she was about to confess how he was making her feel. But suddenly, his words hit her "wait? Did you say Germany? How do you..? You went through my personal property?" She abruptly moved farther away from him totally outraged, realizing he had seen the books in her backpack.

Jack rushed to justify his actions anxiously. "I freaked out since you wouldn't tell me anything. I swear I just wanted to check if you were in some sort of problem. I was worried about you. It was the only way. I looked a little, just to protect you…"

"Oh, you are such a republican" she told him, shaking her head with a mixture of anger and amazement. "What did you expect to find? A suicide note? Believe me, Jack… it's not something you write down in your organizer"

"I know" Jack quickly told her, with a somber expression and tone. He knew way more about death wishes than she thought he did. Honestly, he hadn't been searching for anything in particular when he went through her backpack. And he knew it had been wrong. So, he tried to score points for his good intentions, as he always did when his means to archive something good were less than honorable. He softened, and whispered tenderly "I was worried about you. I wanted to make sure you are okay"

Renee simply sighed. Yes, she was upset that he had invaded his privacy. But for a woman who was sure nobody gave a damn about her, it was nice knowing that he was looking after her, in his own twisted way. His concern for her was so moving. She wished she could calm his worries. She told him something she honestly believed would make him feel better. "You know? I want to be okay. I may be messed up, but I'm trying to find a solution… I decided not to end my life, but find a new one"

Then he understood her reason for wanting to leave the country. '_Been there, done that'_ he thought sadly. He knew it wasn't a real solution. But if she was really determined to try that, he wouldn't be able to change her mind. Nobody could change her mind if it was already made up. He already knew that much about her. He tried to conceal his disappointment. "So… you are leaving when this friend of yours gets you the papers"

"That was the idea. It was my way to solve everything" Renee admitted candidly.

"Was?" he asked confused. He rubbed his forehead as he suddenly felt the intermittent headache again.

"Maybe it still is. I don't know what to do anymore." She stated desperately, looking straight into his greenish eyes. She was such a screw up. She felt incredibly lost. She looked away with embarrassment and admitted softly "Jack, I'm too messed up. I should stick to the plan. I have to. I know I have to. But… I don't want to anymore"

Didn't he see the effect he had on her? He was like a magnet to her. She hadn't meant to run into him. She hadn't meant to spend time with him in New York. She hadn't meant to make out him three times. And she definitely hadn't meant to fall asleep on his bed, right next to him. But now that all those things had happened, the mere idea of carrying on with any plan that didn't include him tightened her throat. She wondered how the hell she was ever going to be able leave him.

They remained in silent for a long time. Jack sighed relieved when the wave of pain in his head seemed to have passed, at least momentarily. He looked at the people skating on the ice rink and noticed a few couples on normal Saturday night dates. He guessed those normal couples weren't talking about fakes Ids, Germany, suicide attempts, or spying somebody's backpack. He suddenly envied those people who had normal love lives. It had been so long since he had last had one.

Jack then realized there was only one thing he needed to know. Just one thing truly mattered at this point. He asked abruptly "Renee, are you even attracted to me at all?"

She was completely thrown aback by the question. She had not seen that one coming. She stared at him blinking nervously with confusion. Attracted to him? He could set a fire inside her just by standing next to her. It was a flame she had totally forgotten about until the very first time he touched her. Why did that matter? It was wrong for her to feel that way. She looked down embarrassed, blushing fiercely, while she muttered "That's not the point. I'm completely screwed up. I can't complicate your life with mi issues"

He softly lifted up her chin with her hand, forcing her to look at him, as he reminded her firmly "But what I asked is whether you are attracted to me or not"

"That's not the point" she protested once again. Then she instinctively hugged herself as her whole body tensed.

Except that to him, it truly was the whole point. What else mattered at the very beginning of a relationship? If he recalled correctly, first dates were all about the chemistry. He told her seriously "Maybe it should be the point. We should talk about that. Just for a change. Because I'm sick of discussing the FBI or escape plans during what should have been a normal date"

"You wanted to go out on a date?" She was slightly thrown aback. That word scared her so much.

"Are you attracted to me?" he quickly asked back not answering her question. Actually, before Kim had made him see reality, he had planned to ask Renee out for a date that night. It truly scared him actually calling it 'a date'. But, yes, that was what he wanted. However, he didn't even know whether she felt the same.

Now she was shivering even more. Not only it was a cold outside, but she was feeling nervous, exposed and scared. Moved only by instinct, she moved a lot closer to him and put a hand around her waist. She needed to feel him that near her. His protective instincts made him hold her tight, to make her feel warmer. He put one arm around her back but underneath his own jacket, which she still had over her shoulders. They faces were merely inches from each other. One of his hands was on his back, so she clamped the other one between hers. She was definitely warmer. Renee finally confessed with a shy whisper "Why do you think I don't want to leave anymore?"

First she kissed him tentatively and softly on the lips. Soon they were fully engaged in a kiss so ardent that it could have melted the entire ice rink. Those brick walls Renee had built around herself many years ago were transformed suddenly into a wall of ice. And Jack had lighted up the fire that was melting it little by little.

But rather unexpectedly, in the worst possible time, his head started aching again sharply to the point that he had to break the kiss too abruptly. Jack held his head as he flinched in pain trying not to scream.

Renee suddenly freaked out. "Jack, what's wrong?"

But Jack couldn't even talk, he felt his head was about to explode and his back was starting to feel sore too. All he could babble was "Take me home"

**7 PM** - **Chelsea, New York City – Jack's apartment **

Renee opened the door of Jack's apartment as he hold onto her. He was doing his best not to show the full extent of his suffering, but was failing miserably. It just hurt too damn much. As soon as Renee opened the door, he rushed to lay over the nearby couch on his belly. He took the nearest couching to rest his head on it. But it was far from making him feel better. He could even feel tears flowing from his eyes due to the strong pain.

Renee was truly scared and worried that this could be about his condition, but he had insisted that all he needed was to go home and she had no idea how to help him. "Jack, what do I do?"

All he could mutter between gasps was "Bathroom... behind the mirror..."

Renee saw he was also sweating despite the chilly weather and realized he was suffering from withdrawal symptoms. She practically ran to the bathroom to search whatever could help Jack. She took the mirror off and wasn't surprised to find the secret hole with the medical kit inside it. She saw there was some sort of drug in one unlabeled bottle and a syringe with a set of needles. She rushed back to Jack's side with the kit. He tried to extend his arm to take it but Renee wouldn't hand it to him. "Jack, what is this exactly?"

"Not heroin. It's hydro-morphine. I need it, give it to me" he groaned in the middle of his pain.

Renee knew because of her FBI anti-vice training that hydro-morphine was a highly addictive analgesic. It was less than the ideal solution in the long term, but for the moment she decided to take out Jack of his misery. If not treated properly, withdrawal symptoms could cause death. She quickly prepared the syringe with the liquid. "Just give me your arm"

Jack shook his head. "I can do it" he muttered stubbornly but his body was trembling.

Renee knew she had to act quickly, so she took his arm, searched for a vein and gave him the shot.

Then she helped him go to his bed and get settled. She got laid right next to him, made him rest his head on her chest and held him close. There was nothing else she could do for him at that point. It broke her heart completely to watch him suffer like that.

After fifteen minutes Jack at least stopped shaking and sweating. His head was still aching but not as much. He was deeply mortified, more than anything else. "I'm truly, truly sorry about this"

She could tell he was trying not to cry. "It's okay, Jack. It's really okay. I understand."

Jack shook his head. He truly hated feeling so vulnerable. He felt so ashamed of himself. "I woke up from the coma, and I started feeling strong headaches and backaches. They gave me pills to control those pains. But soon, I started needing more and more analgesics. Nothing worked. Nothing made it better. Nothing. Not even when according to the last scans I'm healed".

"When did you use this for the last time and how much did you use?"

"I took 10 mcg this morning. I usually take a higher dose, but I was trying to cut down. And I couldn't do it" he said full of embarrassment and self-loathe.

"You couldn't tonight. But you can, Jack. If you truly want to, you can get clean" she assured him with conviction. She thought there was nothing he couldn't do.

"I can't. You saw what happened just by cutting half the dose"

"Because you tried to do it on your own. Maybe you need help again"

"No, I can't. People hardly believed I was fine after the first time I went to rehab. If somebody knows I had a relapse... I can't imagine what..."

Understanding perfectly what it wanting to keep a secret was like, so she interrupted him to offer Jack a solution. "Okay, so, after your last puncture, we are coming here, and you are getting detox. I'll help you"

Jack shook his head. There was no way he would ever let Renee see him during detox. "Renee, no, you don't know. What you saw today is nothing compared to what will happen..."

She cut him right off without missing a beat. "I know. It doesn't matter. I'll be here"

"But what about...?"

Before he could even ask her, she gently put her finger over his mouth and reassured him "I'll be here. Now you need to rest. So I'll make some dinner for whenever you're ready for it"

She stood up and headed to the kitchen, but not before giving him a soft kiss on the lips.

After a little nap, Jack was feeling almost like himself again. He went to the living room was pleasantly surprised. Renee had set the table with his nicest silverware, his nicest table clothing and even a candle lighted to complete the picture. There was also music in the background. Then she emerged from the bathroom with her hair loose and wearing more make up than usual.

"Well, you mentioned something about a date earlier" She explained shrugging and trying to be casual about it.

He smiled in amazement. This was her way to settle things after the argument they'd had earlier. She was trying to give him the answers he needed in the best way she could. And it was also her way to show him that the world wouldn't end just because he had admitted having a problem to overcome. He got the message clearly, and he took her in his arms and kissed her lips in appreciation. "You're right, and this is actually quite nice"

"I didn't know what CD you preferred, so I put a radio station with nice classics songs" She said a bit shyly.

"That sounds great"

"Now, I can't cook... so I ordered burgers and fries" she said suddenly nervous. They had never talked about the meals they liked. Other than ruling out all Chinese, Mexican and Russian food, she had no idea what to do.

"That's perfect" He smiled, genuinely liked her choice.

They both had a seat and ate their dinner. To leave the awkwardness of painful personal topics behind, but it didn't took long for them to wind up in one energetic discussion.

Jack stared at her in disbelief. "No way... Seriously? Of all times?"

She nodded solemnly. "Yeah, seriously"

"So, Reagan is your favorite President... _of all times_?" He couldn't truly overcome his astonishment. To him, undoubtedly it was David Palmer, probably with Allison Taylor in a close second place.

"Yeah, absolutely" She nodded solemnly.

"Followed by...?"

She doubted a little before replying that one "I wanna say... Allison Taylor... But I dunno... I haven't pay attention to politics lately... But, she's a woman, she's tough and she's a republican... so..."

"So far so good?" he tried guessing what Renee was about to say.

"So far so good" she confirmed with a small smile.

After eating some of his fries, he commented casually, "You know? I knew you were one hard-ass republican since the very moment you walked into those hearings with your perfectly combed red hair, your navy blue pant suit and flashed your badge..."

Renee was amazed that he remembered what she had worn at the beginning of that day. But it was even more astonishing that he still defined her as 'hard-ass', even after all he knew about her. Once again, she found herself absolutely speechless.

Jack then said mockingly her silence lightly "See? This is the part where you flirt back admitting you too remember what I was wearing"

That actually got an honest chuckle from her. She responded a bit sarcastically "Right, because we are now two normal people on a normal date"

"Sounds weird when you label it like that, right?" he got suddenly nervous again by that word. He wished there were other way to call it.

"Admit it, Bauer, you can't handle normalcy anyway. It doesn't suit you" she said teasingly. Then she added flirty "But that grape-colored tie and the pastel light blue shirt certainly did"

"I knew you'd remember it. That was my good-boy suit" He said grinning truly amused and pleasantly surprised. It seemed that they had both actually noticed each other instantly.

"Hey, how come I'm the hard-ass republican and you get to be the good-boy here?" she complained jokingly.

"It's all in the suit. Now you tell me. Why are you even a republican?" He was actually curious about that.

She shrugged in a what-can-I-say manner. "You can blame my parents for that. When I was little, I had the loving typical American family... my dad was a war hero, always talking about family values and patriotism. I dunno... I guess when I was old enough to get interested in politics I chose the party I thought defended better those values and ideals"

Renee remembered nostalgically how she used to be so passionate about a lot of things. Now when she thought about the woman she had once been it felt like she was merely watching film about somebody else who once upon a time had a life, a complete stranger. But somehow, Jack seemed to be bringing back that woman.

Jack was marveled as he listened to Renee talk. Suddenly, she took a couple of French fries directly from his plate, which surprised him. "You know you still have more on your plate, right?"

"Yeah... but French fries taste better if you steal them from somebody else's plate" She stated with a careless shrug. She was truly amazed by how at ease Jack was making her feel.

Later, they heard a very old and familiar song playing in the radio. The song was _'when you say nothing at all'_. As soon as they recognized the first tunes, they looked at each other and smiled with the same thought crossing their minds. They both believed it was a perfect coincidence to be hearing it during they sort-of first date.

_It's amazing how you can speak right to my heart. Without saying a word, you can light up the dark_

Not being able to help himself, Jack stood up and offered her his hand inviting her to dance. She smiled warmly, took his hand and he led her to the middle of the living room.

_Try as I may I could never explain what I hear when you don't say a thing _

They began dancing. She had her arms around his shoulders and he had his around her waist.

_The smile on your face lets me know that you need me  
There's a truth in your eyes saying you'll never leave me _

_The touch of your hand says you'll catch me whenever I fall  
You say it best when you say nothing at all  
You say it best when you say nothing at all_

Renee rested her head on his shoulder as they moved along with the song. Then she looked deeply into his eyes and kissed him passionately.

Before they knew it, they were making out on the couch. Jack soon realized he was getting too excited. He reluctantly broke the kiss and moved away from her. "I'm sorry"

"It's okay" she said a bit awkwardly, not wanting him to feel guilty.

"Are you okay?" He wanted to make sure he hadn't scared her off.

"Yeah, but I probably should… I should leave now" She stood up from the couch feeling nervous.

"I understand" Jack assured her. Then he asked a bit uncomfortable "So, where are you staying?"

"At a hotel, in the Upper East Side" But the idea of spending the night at the hotel didn't appeal her at all. It felt so lonely and frightening. She didn't want to leave the safety of Jack's apartment.

Jack nodded and stood up from the couch too. Almost as if he could read her mind, he told her a bit awkwardly "You know… you don't have to leave… you could stay in the guestroom, if you want… of course"

"I want to stay, Jack" she whispered shyly. "But… only staying… for now"

Understanding perfectly what she meant, he nodded seriously. "Of course, I give you my word"

She got closer to him and kissed him softly on the lips. "And that's okay too"

Jack smiled at her and kissed her lips again. And she kissed him back eagerly.

Perhaps she was being selfish, maybe she should walk away. But the way he was kissing her told her he wanted her to be there. And what he had learned about his drug problem told her that he needed her there. She had said she would stay 'as long as necessary'. That could very well mean staying as long as he needed her to.

Perhaps he was holding onto a fantasy. But the way she looked at him and the way she was kissing him right then felt very real. Something inside him was telling to hold on to her for a long as possible.

_The smile on your face lets me know that you need me  
There's a truth in your eyes saying you'll never leave me _

_The touch of your hand says you'll catch me whenever I fall  
You say it best when you say nothing at all  
You say it best when you say nothing at all_

**TO BE CONTINUED….**

**(Please, send me all kinds of reviews)**


	10. If loving you is wrong

**AUTHORS NOTE: **Thanks everybody for the support! Thank you so much to all the readers! Please, tell me what you think. All opinions are welcome! Please, note how extremely difficult it is to write about characters we normally see only in very extreme situations. I'm trying hard to improve in keeping them in character.

**Warning:** things get hotter. But it's likely only for this chapter, so I don't see the point in moving up the rating for the whole story. Anyway, if your parents let you see 24, I assume you are old enough to read this chapter.

**SERIES: Everything went downhill from there**

**PART ONE: A total eclipse of the heart**

**Previously:** Renee learns Jack became addicted to painkillers because of his decease. He admits being angry because she is planning to leave. She admits being too messed up to stay. But when he suffers from withdrawal symptoms, she promises to help him get detox as soon as he's done with his treatment (in six weeks). They have some sort of first date, and they dance and kiss.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own 24. It belongs to fox, Joel Surnow, Robert Cochran and Howard Gordon.

**CHAPTER 10:**

**IF LOVING YOU IS WRONG I DON'T WANT TO BE RIGHT**

**YEAR 2017 – March 24****th**

**8 PM - WASHINGTON DC – FBI FIELD OFFICE **

Larry Moss was drinking coffee from a big mug with the FBI logo on it. Then he took an aspirin for his headache. He had lost count of how much coffee he had drunk that day. He hadn't slept more than four hours per night in the past two weeks, and with good reason. A domestic terrorist group had a plan to infiltrate the nation's entire computer infrastructure. God only knew what they could do if they pulled that one off. He sat behind his desk and took yet another glance to Tony Almeida's file. Almeida seemed to be leading the terrorist group, but nobody knew where that guy had been hiding since faking his own demise.

At that moment, Renee walked into his office announcing "The results are back. That body I had exhumed is not Tony Almeida's" That only confirmed what they already knew. But at least they now had solid evidence. Then she noticed how exhausted and frustrated her boss looked. "You should go home, Larry. You need your sleep"

"I can't. If this people breach the firewall…"

"I know how serious this is. That's why the FBI needs a director who rests, not one who just drinks coffee until he hallucinates" She said mocking him lightly. But she knew Larry wouldn't sleep until they had at least made some progress. So she took a seat in front of him noticing the mess of papers that were over his desk, until one file in particular caught her attention. "What are you doing with Jack Bauer's file?"

"I know you already read it. But I decided to give it a look myself"

"Larry, I told you Almeida is not working with Bauer. I ruled out that theory already"

"What if you are wrong? Almeida wants to destroy the government because Charles Logan killed his wife. He's a desperate man who lost everything. Sounds familiar?" Larry asked rhetorically while patting Jack Bauer's file.

"No, Jack Bauer's not a traitor. The man spent two years under torture in China for this nation" She said with profound confidence in Bauer's patriotism. But Larry was not as sure.

"But now this same country he protected is after him for human rights violations. Not that he doesn't deserve a severe punishment for the repulsive things he has done, if you ask me"

"I didn't ask" Renee said quickly with a grave tone. The FBI agent inside her told her to follow the rules, to do the right thing, to serve her country following the same laws she had vowed to uphold. But a different voice coming from the deepest of her broken soul said things like 'stop living in a fantasy world', 'the bad guys have to be punished at whatever cost', 'you are a pitiful wussy'.

Larry realized he had hit a nerve, not understanding why. To him, Bauer was nothing but a thug and Renee had no reason to think otherwise. "Don't you think Bauer might feel exactly like his former friend does?"

"I think he can understand Almeida's thinking. But he's not capable of committing treason" She replied honestly.

"If you are right, we are back to square one"

"Not exactly. Jack Bauer can get Almeida better than anybody. He worked with him for years. He has his same training, knows the same people. He can help us with this. He can lead us to Almeida."

"I don't want to have someone like him around this office. He may not be a traitor, but he's not someone we can trust. You read about how he's used to work. His methods are illegal and morally repulsive" He knew he was stepping into dangerous territory as a man talking to Renee, the die-hard republican. But as FBI director, he would never let his best agent believe even for a second that people like Bauer were right while the law was wrong.

Renee tried to hide how irritated she was. First of all, it pissed her off that Larry was talking as if Jack Bauer would immediately turn the FBI headquarters into a torture chamber. Secondly, she felt it wasn't fair that a patriot like Jack Bauer was about to be crucified for doing what was necessary to save the lives of innocent people. Innocent people like James. Nevertheless, the smart FBI agent in her told her to keep her feelings to herself and just appeal to Larry's desperate need for a solution.

"Larry, this is your call. But with so many innocent American lives at stake, you should keep an open mind. He can give us some ideas to stop this threat. Look at this…" She got up her chair, walked behind him. Then she leaned a bit forward to flit through a couple of pages from Tony's files. To make her point, she showed him the part explaining how Jack had been the last person to see him before the EMT crew rushed Almeida away.

She was so close to him that Larry couldn't help to take in the sweet fragrance of her Carolina Herrera perfume. He suddenly couldn't think of anything else. That was another problem that had turned him into an insomniac. He still was not over her. He still loved her. But she had never loved him back, which hurt him like hell. All they had ever had was a fling during his painful separation process. But she had ended it for good before things could get serious. He had tried to get back together with her, to no avail, after his divorce became official.

"Larry? Are you listening?" Renee noticed worriedly that he seemed absentminded all of a sudden.

Larry shook his head trying to focus on what was truly important. "Yeah, I'm sorry. What's your point?"

"That Bauer will feel outraged when he learns what Almeida did. He watched him die. He'll most likely want to find him, if only to demand an explanation"

"But he has to testify in the senate hearings tomorrow morning, and after that he's definitely getting indicted for… human rights violations" Larry stressed that last part, with a clear '_is-that who-you-want-to-work-with?_' tone.

_Yeah, I got it, Larry, he's evil_ Renee thought sarcastically and rolled her eyes. Honestly, she just wanted Bauer's advice. It wasn't like she was planning to cheer him on as he tortured people. She didn't exactly approve that. She honestly didn't know how she felt about that. She just knew that in a time of crisis, they needed as much help as they could get. "Larry, I'm not the lawyer in this room. But I know there's a way to work around that detail".

Larry absolutely trusted Renee. If she believed so firmly that Bauer could help with the investigation, it was probably the right way to go. "Fine, I'll get a subpoena first thing in the morning"

"Great, now will you go home and get some sleep?"

"Fine, I'll give you a ride home while I'm at it"

Half an hour later, he parked his car in front of Renee's apartment. While they were saying goodbye he couldn't take it anymore and tried kissing her on the lips but she abruptly backed away. "Larry, don't do this, please"

"You are right, I'm sorry. I don't know what's wrong with me" he was feeling now like a total idiot.

"It's not you. You are fine. I have… this's a really bad time. That's all" Renee hated seeing him hurt. Their affair had been a mistake due to alcohol and her desperate need for comfort and safety. However, that had never been fair for him. He was such a great guy. He deserved better than her. He deserved someone who actually loved him. She just loved him platonically as a dear friend.

"No, you are right. I was completely over the line. I'm your boss. It's just wrong. We would be risking our careers and our reputations" he tried desperately to rationalize why he had to stay away from her. It was less painful than to accept the fact that she simply didn't want him that way. Besides, he wanted to at least have Renee in his life as a close friend. That was much better for him than not having her at all.

"We are better off friends. Trust me. Now you are just too exhausted. But when this crisis gets solved, you'll see things clearer. Everything will be better tomorrow."

"Yeah, and again I'm sorry. I'm obviously not thinking clearly" He apologized honestly hating making her so uncomfortable. But he knew his judgment had not been clouded by sleep deprivation. It had been clouded by his deep feelings for her. His heart could not be ruled by any book. Yet, he had to accept his defeat as painful as it was.

If Larry Moss had known that would be his last night on earth, he would have been more honest about his feelings.

**YEAR 2018 - March 26****th****, Monday**

**2. 00 AM - ****Chelsea, New York City – Jack's apartment **

'_You mean torture?__' 'The argument is crazy. It's illegal. And it's over. As a matter of fact, I want Bauer out of here'_

'_Damnit Renee, what the hell are you doing with this guy?'_

'_You're a monster!'_

'_You killed my little sister!'_

'_Renee, I'm really scared of what's happening to you. You put these people through hell and it doesn't bother you'_

'_Larry would not have wanted this. Don't dishonor his death like this.'_

Renee just couldn't sleep. She looked at her surroundings as she turned around to lie onto her back and a single tear rolled from her eye thorough her cheek. Renee could hardly stand being there alone. She kept hearing those voices over and over again in her head. Larry had died on March 26th at 2017, a few minutes before 2 AM. It had been a year. It had been exactly a year of _that_ day. March 26th. That day she became everything Lawrence Moss despised, throwing away everything they had always stood for. She had dishonored his death by seeking justice in the exact opposite way he would have wanted. Not to mention the way she had broken his heart. Surely there was no room in the universe for his disappointment.

Renee couldn't think about anything else other than _that_ day. She didn't want to though. It was too painful. _Oh, God… I really need to sleep_ she thought with a lot of frustration. Jack had been a perfect gentleman, letting her sleep in the guest room to make her feel safe. However, now that she was alone in the dark, Renee actually felt terrified, lonely and cold. And she could hear nothing but those voices that felt like slaps across her face.

'_You mean torture?' 'The argument is crazy. It's illegal. And it's over. As a matter of fact, I want Bauer out of here'_

'_Damnit Renee, what the hell are you doing with this guy?'_

'_You killed my little sister!'_

'_Don't dishonor his death like this.'_

'_You put these people through hell and it doesn't bother you'_

'_You're a monster!'_

Now she suddenly couldn't stop thinking on that fateful day. March 26th. It had all actually started on the day before. On March 25th at 8 AM, when she pulled Jack Bauer out of the senate hearings.

Renee recalled meeting Jack for the very first time. She met a man accused of the most terrible things who was stoically accepting the consequences of his actions. The first time she saw him, he was fearlessly facing a man who wanted his heart on a plate. In reality, he had her right there and then. She admired the results he was capable of, his strength and his guts. However, she knew she wasn't supposed to. She was supposed to feel horrified by the way he worked. It was what was expected from Agent Walker. So, first, she acted very uptight and he was extremely arrogant. But at some point, she became a part of his team. Before she knew it, she was doing things his way. She became his accomplice, risking everything for him. Little by little, her consuming desire for real justice changed completely her idea of fair-play. It had all ended her taking justice on her own hands, ruining forever her career and reputation. It had all ended with Larry being dead, Jack about to be dead and her torturing Alan Wilson.

'_Larry would not have wanted this. Don't dishonor his death like this.'_

Some of her thoughts were like wild animals she had kept on a cage, without any food, for far too long. As soon as they escaped, they eat her alive.

**2. 30 AM**

The importance of the day had not escaped Jack either. It had been exactly a year since Bill's death, Tony's betrayal and Renee's downfall. He couldn't fool himself. He still felt guilty as hell for everything that had happened that day. But it was obvious she didn't want to talk about any of that. He had respected her wishes. And he had enjoyed having a pleasant evening with her, instead of thinking of all the painful things that had happened a year ago.

Except now he felt absolutely restless, and all he could thing about was _that_ day and the awful things that had happened. Images of those twenty four hours flashed through his head. Those events had damaged Renee deeply, in addition to all the pain she felt because of that anonymous beast that had hurt her. Before he knew it, Jack was craving badly for another fix. He didn't even try to fight it.

Right after giving himself a shot of morphine, he heard noises coming from the living room. But Renee was supposed to be sleeping in the guest room. He quickly took his gun, got it ready and opened the door of his bedroom. He sighed relieved and lowered his weapon when he saw it was just Renee who had gotten up in the middle of the night, simply getting a glass of water. "Hey, you are up"

She hadn't heard him opening the door of his bedroom. Renee turned around, startled, and dropped like five pills she had in her hand. "Jack"

He stared at the pills on the floor for a moment, with a mixture of concern and disbelief. Then he approached her gently. "Renee, what were you doing?"

"I can't sleep" she stated as she lifted her hands in a resigned _'what-do-you-want-from-me?'_ manner. Aware of how the situation was looking like, she handed him the bottle so he could read the label. Then, with her eyes clouded with tears she tried fiercely to retrain, she repeated feeling helpless "I can't sleep"

He read the label. Those were indeed soporific drugs to induce sleep. For what he could see, he could gather that they had been bought illegally without a prescription. Not knowing what else to do, he simply extended his arms towards her and whispered softly "Hey, come here"

At first she shook her head and tightened her lips. She couldn't fall apart. She couldn't be weak. She couldn't cry. But her entire body was trembling, and she practically fell into his open arms sobbing softly. Once again she found herself lying in his arms and sobbing like a child. And she hated herself for doing that.

It was ironic how, just a few hours before, they had made out a lot. Frankly, the last time she had spend so much time 'just making out' with a guy had been with his high school sweetheart, a popular hokey player. After a certain age people don't just kiss for that long, they either break it off or move on to the next level, but making out like teens had been delightful. Being with him had distracted her. He had given her a reason to vanish the painful thoughts from her mind. He had given her something to hold on to. Now she just couldn't help to fall apart.

Jack rubbed her back and rocked her in his arms as she cried a river. He had no idea what to tell her.

"It's been a year since…" she finally managed to mutter as some sort of explanation for breaking down like that.

"It's been a year" he echoed with a sad nod, to let her know he remembered. He felt about to cry too. Then, since ignoring the subject had not helped, he suggested "maybe we should talk about it"

"Yes, we should" She replied with a tone that meant _'we should, but we won't'_. Then, feeling a bit more composed, she knelt down and began picking up the pills that were still spread over the floor.

"You don't need that" Jack said, kneeling down next to her and gently stopping her.

"I really do" She protested a bit weakly. She just couldn't sleep.

"No, you don't" He stated with a firm tone. He knew where she was heading. It was a place he had already found, and he couldn't let it happen to her. He took all her pills and threw them down the sink.

She just stared at him looking sad. She didn't even try to stop him. She really didn't want to take them. But how was she supposed to fall asleep now? She complained "and now what?"

"We go to bed" the statement just flowed from his mouth naturally. He meant to say that, right at that moment, they just had to let the storm pass and make it through the night. But he realized how she could have interpreted his words. He felt like an idiot. He rushed to explain himself awkwardly "I meant… I didn't mean it in that way"

Despite everything she was feeling her lips curbed in a tiny smile. Normally, she hated so much being treated like a porcelain doll. But at that particular moment she found the way he was so careful around her truly cute and sweet. She nodded assuring him "I know"

**3 AM **

They were quietly lying in his bed together face to face. But neither one of them could fall asleep. He kept staring at her, still feeling guilty. He ran a hand through her hair. "Look, I'm truly sorry about… everything was my fault…"

"What do you mean?"

"About what Tony did… about Larry… I'm so sorry. No wonder you didn't talk to me for a year… I'm so sorry" If he didn't get that out of his chest it would continue eating him alive.

"Oh, Jack… no… that wasn't why I… it wasn't about that" She stated, with her eyes wet again. She didn't want to explain everything she had felt during the past year. But she hated to think he was feeling as much guilt. There was one thing she could tell him with all certainty. "It wasn't your fault, Jack. You trusted someone you considered a close friend. How could you know what he would do?"

"I should have known better… I mean, given… given my history… But I truly needed to believe him. I wanted to believe him. I made such a terrible mistake choosing who to trust… _again. _I'm so sorry" He was glad the room was fully dark at that moment. It made it easier for him to speak honestly knowing that she couldn't truly see him, that she couldn't see the pain on his face. It made him feel less naked somehow. He felt like such an idiot for even trusting another human being after everything that had happened to him. He sighed sadly and added feeling embarrassed "You know? I trust very few people… very few… but I have to… I have to trust someone"

"I understand that", she assured him as she got a bit closer, put an arm around him and caressed his back. "And it wasn't your fault that somebody betrayed your trust. I blamed him for playing us like that" Then she rolled over onto her back not wanting Jack to notice her eyes were tearful, and she added painfully "and I blamed Wilson too, I made that clear…" A tear rolled down her cheek. She swallowed the big bitter lump she felt on her throat, took a deep breath and assured Jack a whisper "But I never blamed you for trusting Tony." She felt Jack holding her hand, and that made her feel stronger. Caught up in a moment of openness, she mused out loud with her voice nearly breaking "You know, Jack? When you've seen so much evil… you promise yourself not to trust anybody ever again… but that's impossible. You have to trust at least someone, even if it's only one person. Maybe it starts out of necessity… but then that person gives you hope that there're still good people left _in this_ world, and you need to believe that… you need to actually see goodness in _someone_… if not… if anybody can be a threat at any time… then, my God, Jack… where _the hell_ are those innocent lives we tried to protect?"

Jack was too overwhelmed with emotion to say a word. Renee truly understood him. She really did. It was amazing and scary at the very same time. He had felt absolutely captivated by her since the day they met. Renee truly had him from the start. And he felt so glad he had unexpectedly found her again at the park. He suddenly wondered what the hell they had been doing for the past year. It made him angry to think they had wasted twelve months. Time was something he knew should never be wasted. He wanted to ask her _'where the hell have you been?'_, but a lump on his throat was preventing him from speak at all.

Renee didn't need him to say anything or to give any answer whatsoever anyway. It hit her then how much she trusted him and how safe he made her feel. She cuddled in his arms, resting her head on his shoulder and laying an arm around his torso. She felt sheltered.

He simply held her tight, liking to feel her so close to him. He ran his finger through her dark auburn hair and rubbed circles on her back for a long time. It didn't matter anymore where she had been. She was there at that moment. They had found each other again. Meeting her had been unquestionably a blessing for him. She had saved his life and brought him together with his daughter. On the other hand, meeting him had caused her so much damage. But now he could help her get past all that pain and sorrow. His mind was full of contrived thoughts and doubts. Then, only one of them sneaked through his mouth with a soft whisper "this is right… isn't it?"

'_This'_ he didn't even know how to call what they had together. However, whatever it was, he liked it. '_But is it the right thing?' _he wondered. Jack waited for her confirmation. Yet, it didn't took him long to notice she had already fallen asleep in his arms. He decided to take that as a 'yes'. 

**7.30 AM**

'_You killed my little sister!'_

'_You put these people through hell and it doesn't bother you'_

'_You're a monster!'_

'_Don't dishonor his death like this.'_

She woke up abruptly startled. Sweat was running all through her face. She had to sit down and take some deep breaths. Then she got up and headed to the bathroom. There she splashed a lot of cold water on her face. Then Renee headed to the kitchenette. She stared at Jack who was by the kitchenette, whisking eggs and milk on a bowl. It was so astonishing that she was in Jack's apartment and had slept in his arms. It was baffling, indeed. But there she was, in his apartment. One year after they had first met.

When he heard her coming out his bedroom he turned around and smiled warmly at her. She was wearing his pajama pants and his blue sleeping t-shirt, they were far too big for her, but at least they served they purpose. And her hair was loose but messy. Nevertheless, Renee still looked gorgeous. It was amazing how beautiful she looked even when she had only slept about four hours and was wearing clothes that didn't suit her. "Hey, how are you?"

She blinked nervously, hesitating a little, and then she replied "fine… I'm fine". Not wanting to be useless while Jack made breakfast, she poured black and hot coffee in two mugs and handed him one.

"Thanks" he smiled in appreciation as he took his mug. With his free hand, he caressed her cheek.

Renee sat down to drink some coffee. She watched Jack make some French Toasts as he took a zip from his coffee every now and then. She was still amazed of by fact that it was really them in that time and place. It was so amazing how he was trying to make her feel better. He was truly sweet and caring. Not many people got to see that side of him. When they first met, she hadn't seen it either. She recalled how she had judged him harshly accusing him of having no feelings. Well, he had been acting like a robot with no feelings. But then she realized that was not who he truly was. Now she couldn't believe she had ever dared judging him like that. She knew very well that he had made mistakes. But even on his worst days, he was still everything she wished she could be.

Jack noticed she had gotten lost in thoughts. He put the plate with her toasts in front of her and rubbed her shoulders and neck. "So, is there anything you wanna do today? Anywhere you'd like to go?"

"Nothing in particular" she replied with a shrug. Jack sat next to her to eat his breakfast. And he was wearing the t-shirt and the boxers he had slept on. He hadn't even shaved yet. To her he had never looked sexier. Nobody would believe he had a granddaughter and was retired. It was something hard to picture. She wondered what he did all day now. "So, what do you normally do?"

"All the things I never had much time to do… I look after Teri, work out, read, watch movies, and practice shooting, you know… for fun".

"Of course" She gave him a tiny hint of a smirk. She had gone to practice shooting a lot in the past year too. Sometimes, it was the only thing that calmed her down a little.

Jack handed her a random section of the paper. Renee appreciated the chance to focus on something other than her own problem. She read an interview to Henry Taylor, who was attacking his ex wife fiercely with harsh words. Renee glanced at the former first gentleman's picture. Instantly her mind flashed back to Jack harshly lecturing her and Larry. "_You've got one of two choices: you can either phone the president and explain to her that your conscience won't allow you to do what is necessary to save him, or you can simply do what is necessary. Pick one!_"

Indeed, not a day went by without Renee wondering what would happened if they had actually phoned the President. What would have Allyson Taylor said if she had known that the plan to save her husband included threatening a baby? Would have the President still ordered them to go ahead? Now they would never know.

Jack noticed Renee was totally lost in thoughts again. She did that a lot. "Hey, are you okay?"

She truly wasn't. She shook her head subconsciously as she said vaguely "yeah… I just… I can't stop thinking about that day" Jack simply took her hand and rubbed softly circles with his finger in the back of her hand. She could still see the guilt in his gorgeous greenish eyes. She recalled the messages he had left on her voice mail after her suicide attempt, and how he blamed himself for her nervous meltdown. And how he thought that was why she hadn't talked to him for a year. A bit awkwardly, she told him, with her voice nearly breaking "Listen, Jack… I know there're things I regret, painful things, things I wish had never happened… but, please… don't think, not even for a second, that meeting you is one of them. It never was."

He looked into her light bluish eyes, gorgeous but so sad. He could tell how honest she was being. But he didn't need to tell her how glad it had made him meeting her. However, there was something else he now wanted her to know. Looking directly into her eyes, he admitted "You know? This might sound crazy… but… somewhere in the middle of that day, I was… I was actually longing for the right moment to ask you out"

A single tear rolled down Renee's cheek from her eye. She had felt rarely connected to him instantly that too. But he had been taken away from her in that gurney. It completely broke her heart how atrociously everything had ended. Jack brushed away the tear and softly caressed her cheek. Then she made confession of her own, she whispered "And I was looking forward to saying yes"

That day had unexpectedly brought them together and broken them painfully apart. Now there they were, a year later. Suddenly, Renee couldn't stand thinking it was too late for them. She needed to believe she still had the chance to hold on to him. She needed urgently the safety and comfort of his arms. So, she sat on his lap and kissed him. She got lost in the kiss as she caressed softly his tongue with hers. They melted in a passionate kiss which tasted delightfully like coffee and honey from the French toasts.

Jack savored it for as long as he could. But he had to break it off before his desire clouded his judgment. He used all his will power to break the kiss and keep his hands away from her, which was extremely difficult. He stood up and began to nervously do the dishes as a distraction. But if they stayed more time in the apartment, he would not be able to control himself much longer. They needed to do something to keep their minds away from painful thoughts and their hands away from each other. He suggested casually. "So, what if we go to the park for a run?"

Renee was confused by the suggestion and a bit disappointed that he had stopped their kiss. But she understood him. And she needed desperately to think about anything other than what had happened one year back. Any diversion would do. She nodded. "I would like that. I don't have my working out clothes though" as soon as she said that she realized her statement would raise the question of where she had left all her possessions. That was some explaining she didn't want to do. She didn't want to admit she had brought to New York in a backpack only what truly mattered to her, after abandoning everything else in her apartment like a lunatic. So, before Jack could ask anything, she quickly added "Never mind. I can get them. We'll just meet there"

**CENTRAL PARK - 10 AM **

Renee showed up with black tights, a matching jacket and her hair up in a neat pony tail. Jack saw her walking towards him and felt happy they were out. It would be much easier to resist temptation that way. Besides, working out cleared his mind and kept him in good shape. He was sure it would do her good too. He challenged her with a smirk. "So, are you ready?"

"I'll follow your lead" She replied thinking to herself '_don't I always?'_

They began jogging slowly uptown along the west driveway. They ran side by side increasing their speed. But she was able to keep up with him only for about twenty minutes. Then she had to slow down her pace. After ten more minutes passed, she dropped on the grass exhausted. Back in her old days, she could run over an hour on the treadmill without even sweating and she could hold her breath under water longer than any other agent. She could also swim faster than anyone else she knew. But she had barely done any exercise at all in the past year. And her body was starting to pass the bill.

Jack noticed he had left Renee behind. He realized that she was very out of shape. But he knew her well enough to recognize exactly what she needed to be back on her feet. He ran towards her and offered her his hand as he said teasingly, "okay, I see, this is too much for a girl"

Renee frowned. She was having a good time though. At least it kept her mind distracted. Standing up on her own, she protested, "Nobody has called me a girl since I broke Pete Atman's nose in sixth grade"

Jack was slightly impressed. "You knew how to fight in sixth grade?"

"I was tiny. The other kids teased me. I had to defend myself, my dad taught me to be tough"

Jack had indeed seen a lot of her strength. And he was sensing telling her she couldn't do something was like a printed invitation for her to go and do it. "Really? Show me. I'll race you to the MET. The loser buys the sodas"

"All right, Jack. I never turn down a free drink" Her competitive side was already taking the best of her.

They got ready and went running to the goal at full speed. But this time, Jack wasn't fast enough. She accelerated even more as she approached the building and stopped, realizing she had won. Jack caught up with her and, for the first time, she flashed him a smile that actually reached her eyes. It felt almost like a miracle for both of them. Afterwards, they headed downtown along the east driveway.

Renee was starting to think maybe she wasn't that hopeless when, out of the blue, she got a sharp reminder of how messed up she truly was. A man called out for them from behind apparently to ask them something. Renee couldn't even pay attention to what that person was saying. The Russian accent was unmistakable. It was him. He had found her. It petrified for a second but she turned around ready to face the inevitable. She saw the most horrible person in the world. It felt like she was all alone and defenseless in front of Vladimir. She was dreading what he would do to her. But Jack's voice soon snapped her back to reality.

"Sure, sir. I'll take it" Jack said nicely to the other man.

"Thank you. We wanted a picture of the whole family. It is our first time in New York." explained the Russian tourist with gratitude.

Renee watched stunned how Jack took a couple of pictures of a Russian man, a woman and two adorable little children. Now she felt like the biggest idiot in the entire planet. Feeling extremely mortified, she began to run downtown at full speed.

Jack gave back the camera to the stranger and then began chasing after her stunned.

She could feel tears of anger about to come out from her eyes. What was the matter with her? Just when she was feeling better the slightest reminder of Vladimir had completely thrown her out of balance. Even when he wasn't even around, Vladimir was still haunting her, terrorizing her. If her dad could see her he would be extremely ashamed of her for being so weak. She had become the exact opposite of what he had wanted her to be. And for the life of hers, she couldn't understand why. She had led dangerous field operations as an FBI agent. She had chased terrorists by herself. She had gone after General Juma. She had disarmed a bomb about to explode. Yet, one drunken Russian mobster had totally taken her down, scarring her for life. He had turned her into that monster which had materialized furiously a year before. Yes, she despised Vladimir. But that was nothing compared to how badly she hated herself for having been defeated like that by him. She felt herself about to cry a river. She couldn't let that happen. She couldn't cry. So she kept running at full speed totally blinded by self-loathe.

To his panic, Jack noticed Renee was heading straight to the South Avenue. He rushed in her direction desperately and physically restrained her before she could reach the street. She had been five seconds away of being hit by cab. Jack stared at her with a mix of horror and disbelief. "What was that? What the hell were you trying to do?"

"I don't know" she said sincerely in profound shock. The truth was she had acted without thinking at all.

Jack knew this had to be a tough day for her, and it was for him too. But how could she even think about jumping in front of a car like that? He was terrified and furious. She was more damaged than he had thought. And he only had a few pieces to put together the puzzle she had become. "Renee, you have to tell me what's on your mind"

"You don't want to know, Jack" she replied with a somber expression. She was climbing the walls. She believed she had lost her mind. And that was terrifying her. Did he expect her to admit that?

"Listen to me, you are going to have to start giving me some real answers soon" he said with a clear hint of threat in his voice. He hadn't meant for it to sound like that. It had been his former self emerging for a second out of his frustration for not understanding the whole picture.

"Or what?" she asked outraged. Then she added acidly, "I see, Bauer. So, they can take you away from the CTU, but they can never…" She didn't need to say the rest. It was too obvious.

Jack looked as if she had punched him in the stomach with a baseball bat. Although he knew she hadn't meant it. He could see in Renee someone pretty messed up who was trying to push him away. He knew that maneuver far too well. He was familiar with the concept of building brick walls around yourself so other people can't see the real you. He knew too well that doing that only left you alone in a very small and deeply dark place.

Renee felt those damn tears about to come out from her eyes again. She had purposely and maliciously hit Jack below the belt and she felt like shit about it. So she turned around to leave him alone. But to her surprise, she felt a strong but gentle hand holding her arm preventing her from walking away. She closed her eyes to hold back the salty tears as she heard that very familiar velvety voice whispering in her ear, "It's okay that you are hurt and angry with the word, Renee. It's okay to feel scared"

But for her it really wasn't. She couldn't even face him as she shook her head and reluctantly admitted, "I just don't want to feel this kind of pain".

He thought that was indeed strange. Renee had always been really tough. Yet, she used to be horrified at the idea that someone could see terrible things and feel nothing. '_I just want to know that you feel something. I want to know that you feel the same kind of pain that I do'_ Jack recalled that moment clearly.

Then he forced her to meet his gaze and spoke firmly to her. "I understand that you are in very bad place. And if you don't want my help, if you don't want me to be there for you, I'll respect that. But if you are just running away so you don't have to face your own feelings, if you think being hurt makes you weak. Then… God, Renee… you are nothing like I thought you were" That said, Jack simply turned around and began walking away from her.

Renee could see his deep disappointment and couldn't take it. She was so tired of running away scared, of looking for a way out. She didn't want to be that kind of woman anymore. She didn't want to run away. Not anymore. Not from him. She didn't want to lose him "Jack, don't go"

It had been barely a whisper, but Jack could hear her clearly. He could her calling after him. He turned around to face her and saw the tears running through her cheeks. He was about to run towards her and kiss all her pain away. But he didn't have to. She ran towards him, threw her arms around his back and held on to him as if her own life depended on it as she cried her eyes out. Strangely, to him it didn't make much of a difference how broken she was. All he knew was that he wanted to fix her. And he had to. He had no other choice. Once she stopped crying, he gently brushed her tears away with his fingers.

She looked at him with amazement. His light greenish eyes were reminding her of all the reasons why she had never been able to resist him. Putting one hand on the back of his head she moved forward to kiss him.

**11.15 AM**** - Chelsea, New York City – Jack's apartment **

Not even knowing how they had gotten there, Jack was suddenly struggling to open the door of his apartment and kiss Renee at the very same time. They were both kissing desperately and couldn't keep their hands away from each other. They managed to get in the apartment as they kissed and crossed the doorway but they couldn't break the kiss. Their lips seemed just glued. Once inside, Renee passionately pushed him against the door closing it in the process. She had completely lost her head to her desire.

Jack was almost completely out of control too. But as much he was craving for her, he couldn't shut his mind up. He was still worried about too many things. Her obvious unstable mental state made him nervous. And it still scared that she might leave at any time. He knew for sure that if he lost her, it would hurt him a great deal. When he pulled away to gasp for air, he said the first thing that came to his mind. "Yesterday you said you'd be here when I get detox. Did you mean it? Because I couldn't possibly…"

But she shut him up with another kiss before he could say anything else. She was in no conditions to make any solid promise for the future. But there was one clear certainty in the middle of all the cloudy chaos in her mind. "I need you. And if you need me to stay, I will"

Jack wrapped his arms around her waist again and kissed her. This time, he took control and pressed her against the door as their continued kissing.

Soon her jacket was off and on the floor. She was very conscious of where they were heading. But she wasn't afraid. She was aware that it was Jack touching her, and that was quite all right.

However, Jack was suddenly haunted by his own ghosts. The worst mistake he had had ever made was letting his lust blind him completely. He remembered his mind being absolutely clouded by Nina's toxic beauty and the tequila they had shared. For months, he had foolishly let that woman play him like a piano, posing as his lover and later as his understanding best friend. He had been totally clueless and unable to see the real Nina until it was too late. The fact that somebody had ever been capable of fooling him like that still terrified him to the core.

Renee could feel him hesitating. He looked frightened for some reason. She assumed wrongly that he was only afraid of scaring her with his sexual advances. "Jack… Don't stop. I trust you completely" Then she took over again and led him to the couch, where she kept kissing him.

But Jack's mind was already in terrifying places. He could see Teri's lifeless body as he helplessly rocked her in his arms. He could hear Audrey babbling robotically and desperately _'Help me, Jack. Please don't let them do this to me'_. Then he could hear Heller's severe voice '_You're cursed, Jack. Everything you touch, one way or another, ends up dead_'. What was he thinking making the same mistake again? He couldn't let anything like that ever happen again. Abruptly, he broke the kiss and moved away from her. "This is wrong. I can't. I can't do this to you"

Renee totally misunderstood what he meant, so she told him reassuringly, "This is what I want"

"Look, Renee… neither one of us is thinking clearly right now. We have to slow down and think about it"

"Think about it?" Renee asked somewhat surprised. Jack wasn't the kind of guy who normally thought carefully about anything before acting. He was normally ruled by his strongest emotions. And truth be told, thinking was the last thing she wanted to do at that moment. She didn't want to think at all. Not today.

"Yeah, this is a very emotional day. We shouldn't rush into anything right now."

"Okay, you are right" Renee said trying to hide her disappointment. She casually went to the refrigerator and took two cans of soda, she threw one to Jack, who caught it with quick reflexes. They drank the sodas, and then she undid her pony tail, and said "Look, I'm all sweaty for running. May I take a shower?"

"Of course you can" He would desperately need to take a shower too. And it'd have to be a cold one. Renee quickly disappeared into the bathroom. Raising his voice so she could hear him from the other room, he told her "seriously, Renee. It's fine. There is no rush. After you take that shower I'll tell you what we'll do"

"Are you going to tell me what to do? Please, don't keep me waiting. Go ahead. I love it when you do that" She shouted out sarcastically from the bathroom.

He rolled his eyes. Now he could hear the water running. But she could still hear him if he yelled loudly enough. So, he went to get a chocolate pudding, as he elaborated his point firmly, "We are going to slow down. And when we are absolutely sure that it's _the right thing_… that's when it will happen".

He turned around and to his immense shock Renee was standing there with nothing but a towel around her figure. Her dark auburn hair looked dry but still sweaty. There was no hint of nervousness, fear or hesitation in her. She wasn't even blushing. He was trying to take the high road and do the right thing. But she was making it impossible. He put the pudding on the counter and wiped the chocolate of his mouth trying to pretend he wasn't totally drooling over her.

Renee smiled, aware of the effect she was having on him. She got closer to Jack as she whispered "So, Jack, what if you join me in the shower and turn all bossy in there?"

Jack was unable to resist her. He wanted her so badly. He was desperate to rip off that towel and explore each inch of her body. And if that was wrong, he didn't want to be right. If the right thing was not to take her in his arms, melt in her kiss and cave in to her beauty, he much preferred being wrong than right.

He pulled her closer for a kiss and felt his own skin burning. Soon he had nothing on but his boxers. But she kept the towel right on its place as some form of delicious sexual torture. Instead, she began kissing his chest. She noticed he had fixed the scars on his upper body. But there were still small light traces of them though. It reminded her that he was actually Jack, her hero. And she had nothing to fear.

They walked into the bathroom and got fully naked. The hot water of the shower had already made the room somewhat steamy. They stumbled into the bathtub and he pressed her against the ceramic tiles. As he kissed her breasts, she put her hands behind the back of her head, surrounding herself to him. And with all his fears and doubts momentarily forgotten, he decisively took possession of her.

**TO BE CONTINUED….. **

**(Please, tell me what you thought, thanks!)**


	11. And who rescues the rescuer?

**AUTHORS NOTE: **Thanks everybody for the support! Thank you so much to all the readers! Please, tell me what you think. All opinions are welcome!

I promise to be done as soon as I can with what's left of the editing of this first part so I can move on with the second part of the series.

I didn't like that we never knew anything of Audrey's whereabouts. I never liked her. But I would like a confirmation of whether she's still in coma or not. Well, that explains this chapter's flashback. I meant to close Audrey's story in a more definitive way.

**SERIES: Everything went downhill from there**

**PART ONE: A total eclipse of the heart**

**Previously:** Once upon a time Renee was her daddy's girl. She grew to be a young republican woman who loved politics (chapter one).

Kim really wants her father to move to L.A. When they met, she gave Renee a hard time (Chapter 8)

Jack still thinks he's cursed. He and Renee had hot sex in the shower after working out in the park.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own 24. It belongs to fox, Joel Surnow, Robert Cochran and Howard Gordon.

**CHAPTER 11:**

**AND WHO RESCUES THE RESCUER?**

**LOS ANGELES – UCLA Resnick Neuropsychiatric**** Hospital **

**Year 2017 – June 15****th**

Kim and Jack were standing in front of a grey hospital building. Before walking in, she gave him yet another worried look, "are you sure you want to do this, daddy?"

He nodded, having already lost count of how many times his daughter had asked that. "sweetheart, I thought I was helping her by leaving her alone. But I was wrong. I was so wrong. I should have never given her up"

"But they told you, dad, she's not going to get better. This can only hurt you even more" Kim had never wanted to take her dad to visit Audrey Raines in the first place. But he never gave her much of a choice. He had woken up from the coma only three months before, but he still was in no condition to travel across the country by himself and changing his mind was impossible. If he had decided to see Audrey, he would see Audrey. The fact that Kim thought it was a terrible idea carried no weight at all.

"Look, I just have to visit her, I have to. Last time she wasn't even awake."

Then he entered the bulding full of determination. Kim followed him reluctantly. They walked a corridor until they saw Richard Heller outside Audrey's bedroom, next too him was Audrey's doctor. Dickie Heller looked nothing like the rebelious guy Jack remembered. He was a grown responsible man now. They both shook hands politely. "Hello, Richard. Thank you for letting me do this"

"I don't mind if you want to see her. I'm not my dad. But you should know it won't make any diference"

"I just want to see her. That's all" Jack said. Then they all walked into the room. Audrey's doctor and Dick went first. Jack followed them expectantly. Kim followed them too to protect her dad, staying just one step behind him.

"Audrey, you have visitors" announced Dick to his sister trying to put a cheerful tone.

Audrey was in her bed staring blankly at the space. She barely moved her head to look at her brother. But suddenly she became truly exited, nearly ecstatic. She got up and practically ran to hug Kim desperately. "Oh, Kim! Thank God! Listen, you have to help me. We have to bring your dad back from that hell"

Jack's heart sunk completely to his feet. "Audrey, I'm right here. It's me, Jack. Honey, look at me" he said softly trying to make Audrey feel less threatened. But she shook her head stubbornly.

"We need to find Jack before they kill him! Why don't help me find him, dad?" She said as she kicked her brother really hard in his shin and ran to her bed crying in frustration. She hugged tightly her pillow and simply cried her eyes out. They had all turned against her, including her own dad.

Jack noticed to his dismay that she had mistaken Richard for James Heller. "Audrey… sweetheart"

"Let's give her a moment" the doctor said as he led everybody out of them room. He wanted to give his patient a chance to calm down on her own to avoid using any extreme method. Then he explained as gently as he could, "she's suffering from a very rare form of schizophrenia, which I'm afraid is irreversible"

"And this is a relatively good day" Richard added heartbroken. On the bad days, she thought she was still a prisoner in China and all she did was to scream for Jack's help. Sometimes she woke up wanting to rescue Jack. And she had tried to either escape or kill herself many times.

"Can I see her alone?" Jack asked the doctor hopefully.

"Yes, but we'll be alert in case she gets too aggressive"

Jack nodded understandably and walked into the bedroom again. Audrey was still crying in her bed, hugging her pillow fiercely. He sat on a chair by her bed and instinctively tried to caress her long brown hair, which startled her.

She shook violently his arm away and rolled over turning her back on him. "I don't want another doctor!"

"But, Audrey, please, look at me, I'm Jack. Sweetheart, what have they done to you? " He caressed her cheek hoping to bring her back to reality.

But Audrey slapped his hand away, got up her bed and began ranting fast while pacing around the room, "They are willing to let him die on that hell. Do you even know what kind of things they must be doing to him there? But nobody is trying hard enough to get him out. And I was right there when it happened. Right there! And I saw nothing until it was too late. I have to go and save Jack myself. But my dad keeps me here."

Jack's heart ached for her. How could she not even recognize him? She couldn't even tell how much time had gone by. He approached her cautiously, "Audrey, I'm fine. Look at me. I'm right here. I'm here for you"

She shook her head several times covering her face with her hands. Jack noticed several cuts on her wrists. He got closer to her and brushed her scars with the tip of his fingers as if that could erase them. She began ranting again, "I want to get this over with! Why are they doing this to me? Why did they take him away from me?" She collapsed in tears and Jack took her in his arms and cradled her. He kept cradling her in his arms as she just cried a river, with no awareness of reality. There was no way to stop the tears coming from his eyes. He knew now that the damage done to her because of him was irreversible. It was too late to save her. Once again it was far too late to save a woman he loved.

Once again all he could do was to say goodbye forever and tell her how sorry he was.

The next day, on the plane back to New York, Kim couldn't stand watching her father so heartbroken and defeated. He was just staring at the window as they flew back to New York. He hadn't said a word in over five hours and Kim was nearly freaking out. "Daddy, talk to me. Say something. Anything"

He looked at her with a somber expression. "He was right. I'm cursed. Everything I touch dies. You were right to blame me for what happened to your mom. That too was my fault because I just hurt everybody around me. And it keeps happening to everybody I care about… over and over again. David, Bill, Michelle… Audrey. So it must be me. I'm cursed. I really am cursed"

Jack then covered his face with his hands, feeling so embarrassed for crying. Kim held him knowing there was no way of convincing him of the contrary. Her heart was aching very badly for him.

**YEAR 2018 – March 29th, Thursday **

**7 AM - Chelsea, New York City – Jack's apartment**

_Nina Myers had Teri tied up to a chair. __Upon giving Jack an evil smirk, she took a knife and sliced Teri's wrists. For some strange reason, he was right there but was completely paralyzed. So he watched helplessly his wife bleeding out to death._

_Suddenly, he was__ in Mexico kissing Claudia Salazar. Then her husband saw them and immediately shot her once in the head right in front of a completely useless Jack. _

_Abruptly, __he was taken to a Chinese prison. Instead of hurting him directly, Cheng was forcing him to watch Audrey being tortured in the most horrible possible ways. Then Audrey cut her wrists and bled to death. Jack was again inexplicably paralyzed and couldn't even try to help her. _

_All of the sudden, he __was watching helplessly Renee torturing Alan Wilson and then slicing her own wrists. She bled out to death right before his eyes. Again, Jack's body could not move an inch. _

Renee was woken up by Jack's screams. He was sweating, trembling and yelling 'no' over and over again in his sleep. She tried shaking him gently and calling his name repeatedly.

Jack woke up startled. He stared at her for a moment in disbelief then blinked a few times until reality sunk in. She was there, and he was in his apartment. He stretched one of his arms, confirming that he could indeed move.

"Hey, Jack, are you ok?" She asked worriedly.

"Yeah, just a nightmare" He tried to pretend he wasn't as freaked out as he was.

"That's okay. It happens" In fact, just two nights prior, Jack had been the one waking her up from a horrible dream. But now that the roles were reversed he seemed deeply embarrassed about it.

"Just give me a minute" he mumbled feeling troubled. Then he rushed his way into the bathroom and closed the door behind him.

Renee watched him sadly. She wanted to hold him and offer him comfort like he had done for her the other night. But with Jack that wouldn't work. He wasn't one to seek for a shoulder to cry on or a person to talk to. In those extremely rare occasions when he allowed others to help him in some way, it was because he didn't have any other choice. She already knew Jack well enough to realize it was better to leave him alone for the moment.

She was aware of the fact that he had gone to the bathroom to use some of his hydro-morphine. She had to let that go momentarily. Soon enough that wouldn't be a problem anymore. She would help him get clean after her last lumbar puncture. She owed him at least that.

She got up from the bed and headed to get the newspaper. She knew Jack had The Times delivered to his door every day, so she decided to pick it up for him. She found it surprising how old fashioned Jack could be for some things. He read real newspapers and owned actual books. He had a high-tech cell phone and a modern computer, but he believed some things were more enjoyable done like in the old days. That was another thing he and Renee had in common. She loved the smell of an old book and there was nothing more relaxing than reading a novel sitting at a park or a beach. Maybe it was because it reminded her of happier times. When she went for the newspaper, she was pleasantly surprised to see that along The Times there was a copy of The Washington Post, the one she once mentioned had always been her favorite newspaper. She smiled thinking Jack could be delightfully sweet.

Then she got the electric coffee machine ready, set the table and decided to start making pancakes for breakfast. It suddenly hit her that she was acting as if she were in her own place, as if they were a couple living together. But the truly weird thing was that it didn't feel weird at all. It felt almost natural. She had been staying in his apartment for five days (three since they'd started having sex). But that hadn't exactly been planned out like that at all. Things had happened spontaneously in such way, like a rover flowing. Whenever she attempted to go to back to the hotel, to give him some space, he prevented her from doing so with sweet kisses and his amazing power of persuasion. He wanted her by his side and there was truly nowhere else on this earth she'd rather be.

Everything was certainly happening so fast. Their relationship certainly did not adjust to any normal dating patrons. But normalcy definitely did not suit them anyway. Honestly, she now found it hard to believe it ever did.

Finally, Jack emerged from his bedroom into the kitchenette with his hair soaking wet. He had taken a shower to calm himself down after using a small amount of his morphine. He had needed it very badly.

As he was about to leave his bedroom, he stood by the doorway, just watching Renee making breakfast in his kitchenette. It was really wonderful to see ser alive after that horrible nightmare. He couldn't help to stare. That cute image, which was starting to grow more familiar in him, dragged a smile out of his lips. She looked so beautiful with her hair loose and messy. Plus, she was wearing a big and long dark pink t-shirt that said in purple letters _'The best man for the job is a woman'_. They had seen it in a store and he thought it had been made especially for her, so he just had to get it. She liked to wear it for sleeping. And he loved how it looked in her.

Jack walked towards her, held her tight from behind and kissed her neck. "Need any help?"

"Nah, I want to give it a shot by myself" If only to see if she could at least do one thing right, even if it was something as silly as making decent pancakes. But she kept her eyes closed for a moment enjoying his embrace.

Then he headed to simply serve the coffee, understanding why Renee wanted to make the pancakes by herself. He sat to drink his coffee and take a look at the Times. But he had to take another look at Renee. He still couldn't believe it. The fact that he was sharing his most mundane moments with Renee Walker was simply baffling. Who would have ever thought? Once it was ready, they sat down and shared the breakfast she had made. With a totally serious expression, he said out of the blue "I should have known you were lying"

"What?" she was stunned and confused; she had no idea what Jack was talking about.

"You said you could do nothing in the kitchen but a mess." He reminded her with a casual tone.

"Oh… right" Usually, she was a terrible cook. But one time her dad tried to cheer her up by making her pancakes and teaching her how to make them. She had completely forgotten about that until it suddenly came back to her that morning for some strange reason. She rolled her eyes and shrugged dismissively. "My dad taught me to make them when I was depressed over a bad grade"

"It's very hard to imagine you getting a bad grade" He pointed out suspiciously.

"I got a 'B +' in a history exam and for my life I couldn't understand what I'd done wrong"

Jack huffed and smiled a little thinking that sounded like her. She could be such a perfectionist.

Then she reached to get the bottle of syrup and there it was: a light red mark giving testimony of her suicide attempt. Jack had seen it many times before. But now it seemed to be staring back at him accusingly. It was no longer a sign of how disturbed she had been. He had started seeing it as the proof of his own failure. In just one day he had turned a perfectly good agent into him.

But he told himself that the circumstances were different now. Naturally, he still had too many issues to solve, too many inner demons to fight. Yet he had made a lot of progress, and so could she. He could bring Renee back from her own dark place. He wanted to. Moreover, he had to. He didn't have a choice. On some level, he knew that if he failed her too he would never forgive himself.

Renee was focused on one article in the newspaper about Omar Hassan, the President of the IRK. The article was written by some female reporter called Meredith Reid who apparently was following him closely to write about his life and the progress made in the deal process. Renee frowned worriedly as she read about what Hassan and Taylor wanted to do. "Jack, don't you think this peace agreement is too good to be true?"

"I do" he replied honestly, as he put some sugar on his coffee.

To Renee it looked like he didn't care much. So she pointed out somberly, "They won't let this happen. An Islamic nation, sponsored by the USA, negotiating this kind of agreement with the United Nations? In the IRK some might see this as if they were handing themselves to us on a silver plate. There must be a lot of people over there pissed as hell with Hassam about this."

"You don't think I know that already? Of course there must be some who don't want this to happen" He had been dealing with the enemies of his nation for so long that he knew very well what they might think or do.

"And you are not worried they might try to do something to stop it?"

"That's not my job anymore" He replied quickly with a severe tone, getting suddenly defensive. Why was she implying that it was his duty to solve that thing? That wasn't going to happen. Worrying about the entire country wasn't his job anymore. He was done saving people he didn't even know while losing the few ones who truly mattered to him. He didn't care if that made him selfish, but he was done.

She had only tried making a conversation. Last week, she wouldn't have given a damn about that stupid summit. But now she was suddenly beginning to care again about everything that used to be important for her, including politics. However, her comment seemed to have upset him. She told him apologetically "I know. I don't even know why I brought this up. I'm sorry"

Jack realized he was simply too edgy. His conflicted emotions about his work were consuming him. He missed the action and the adrenaline. For Jack Bauer being a federal agent had been who he was. It had defined him. It had become his whole identity. How many times had he acted as a CTU agent even without being one officially? It wasn't a job, it was his nature. But it had destroyed everyone he cared about. So he chose to stay away from it. He had to leave who he had been behind to become who he wanted to be.

"No, I'm sorry. I overreacted" he acknowledged softening his tone.

And it didn't take long to Renee to figure out why. She didn't have a doubt about that. "You don't like being retired, don't you?"

It was so amazing how much she knew him for somebody who had only spent five days with him and worked next to him once. But that was what he liked the most about her. He replied honestly, "I like that I have a family now. I like spending time with them, and with you. But other than that I don't know"

Renee nodded understanding perfectly. For different reasons, they were facing the same dilemma.

Fortunately, money was not a problem for either one of them. Renee's dad had left her plenty, plus she had saved a lot of what she had earned working. Jack was also in a position in which he could manage to live decently without working for a bit longer, even though he had kept nothing from his father. Both of them had made wise investments over the years. Living in constant peril had trained them both well about the importance of taking good care of their finances. But it was about something much more important than money. It was about what they wanted to do with the rest of their lives, and what they wanted to be.

Even if Renee knew what she wanted to do, any job that had a small chance of grabbing a bit of her interest would require for her to take those pesky psychological evaluations. She had no idea what she _could_ do, not even what _she wanted_ to do. So, playing a bit nervously with her fork she admitted "You're not the only one wondering what's gonna happen next, Jack. I have no idea either"

"We'll figure it out" He said now with more confidence.

"We?" she asked a little bit too anxiously, wondering what that meant.

That phrase had practically escaped his lips before he could truly think about what he was saying. But he realized it was what he truly wanted. He wanted them to figure it out together. He knew that much. He hoped she felt the same. It was just so soon. He told her tentatively "Well, we both kind of jumped from the same boat, so… yeah. If you agree"

"I agree" she whispered nodding. Renee couldn't help to smile at the thought of them 'figuring it out' together'. But then she felt actually nervous and looked down. It was so crazy for her to feel how she felt about him.

At that moment, Jack cell phone went off, announcing he had a text message. After reading it, he told Renee "It's Kim. Reminding me that today I'm meeting her for lunch. But you could come along"

"Look, I'll be fine" she assured him, knowing Jack was feeling slightly guilty about leaving her alone. But she thought he was being ridiculous. She wasn't going to intrude between father and daughter. "Actually, I was thinking about going to the park and read a book. May I borrow one of yours?"

Most of Jack's books had gotten lost, some when he had to disappear and others during the twenty months in China. After those incidents, he had lived pretty much like a nomad person. Why bother owing anything? Currently, he was still in the process of completing his personal library, but had already gotten plenty of books. It was still amazing to him that his life was relatively stable and normal again.

His instant response flowed naturally from his lips. "Of course, honey. Why not?"

Renee was stunned for a moment and blinked a few times trying to make sure she had heard correctly. Had he just called her 'honey'? It was just a little world. But it somehow felt like something big. Was she 'his girl' now? Then she felt very silly for even thinking it meant anything. She had turned into such a chick. Jack sometimes made her feel like a nerdy and shy teenager who was dating the most popular guy in the entire school.

Not understanding why Renee had suddenly become mute, Jack took his sight from the newspaper and looked at her curiously. "What?"

She couldn't expose the embarrassing fact that his use of the word 'honey' had left her day-dreaming, like a twelve-year-old. So she said coolly "Nothing… you've got a little something… there", as she took a paper napkin and wiped softly the corner of his mouth. Then she gave him a small sweet smile.

After being done with breakfast, she went to the book shelf to take a look at Jack's books. Jack couldn't help to stare at her amazed. She looked as excited as a child in a candy store for a moment. That came as a shock to him because it was the first time ever he saw such expression in her.

Renee was simply marveled by the fact that Jack's taste in books matched her own, almost exactly. He had plenty of books about military history and CIA operations. But the most surprising thing was that he seemed to own every book Tom Clamsy had ever written. She had always loved those novels. They were great military and political thrillers, which a CIA agent called Jack Ryan as a protagonist. She had already read some of the ones she saw on the bookcase, like 'Red Storm Rising', 'The Cardinal of the Kremlin' and 'the sum of all fears'. But then she saw one she had heard a lot about, yet had never gotten to read. Almost as if her hand had a life of its own, she picked 'The hunt for the red October'.

"I'm taking this one, is that okay?" She showed the book to Jack.

"Sure… but may I borrow one of yours?" He remembered she carried two German study books and a mysterious copy of 'The Art of War', by Sun Tzu. Not only was that one his favorite book on the entire planet, and one of the few things related to China that he still could stomach. But also, he was curious to see why Renee carried it on her backpack. It had to be extremely important for her. It made him want to take a look at it.

"Yeah, but why? Is your German getting rusty?" She was asking rhetorically. She had seen Jack had his very own German study-books.

"No, I meant your copy of The Art of War. I'd like to give it a look whenever I can, if that's okay with you"

Renee froze feeling a bit unsettled. Now she got it. Since she hadn't shared a lot of too-personal information with him, he was trying to see whether her book revealed something about her that she wouldn't say. Then, she tried to act cool as she said in disbelief "Are you saying that you, Jack Bauer, have never read The Art of War?"

"Only twenty times" He confirmed with a smirk. No point in lying about that. As if she would ever believe he was unfamiliar with that book. But trying to sound casual about it, he added "But I lost my copy ages ago. It would be nice if I could read it again, if you don't mind"

Renee hesitated a little. But eventually she got the old book and handed it to Jack a bit shyly.

Then he knew the reason why she treasured the book so much. Right on the first page there was a handwritten dedicatory, which read '_To Renee Abigail, my pride and my joy. You are everything I dreamed and more. While I'm away, be the smart and brave young lady you are now. I love you._' It was formally signed '_Captain John Walker_' and dated '_January 1991_'.

Renee's mind went suddenly back to that day in which her mom opened the door and a soldier they didn't know was there looking somber and holding an envelope. She could only watch in disbelief as that soldier took his hat off and handed her mom the letter. '_In the name of the U.S. army, we regret to inform you…_'.

Avoiding his gaze uncomfortably and with a voice that was barely audible, she explained "My dad gave me that before leaving to fight in the first Gulf War. He… he never came back"

Jack realized just how important was what she had just shared with him and became speechless. It was so difficult for her to talk about real personal stuff. And it was for him too. But she had taken a step on that direction, and he truly appreciated it. Since he didn't quite know what to say, he stood up and held her tight. She rested her head on his shoulder as he ran his fingers through her hair.

After a while, Renee began to feel very uncomfortable as she realized she was starting to show herself as weak again. As if she hadn't shown too much weakness already. So she stepped away from Jack, gave him half a smile and began to clean up the table, as he helped her.

Having a pathetic and fragile little lady as a daughter was the last thing her dad would have wanted. Renee could still see him in his uniform, as he said goodbye to her one last time. The biggest sorrow in her heart came from knowing she had let him down after his death. Wherever he was, her dad had to be immensely devastated to see she had turned out so weak. Both, he and Jimmy, would be heartbroken if they could see what she had become: someone who had desperately wanted to be a hero, but who had failed so dramatically. She had let everybody she cared about down.

Jack could easily tell how much Renee had worshiped her father. That sadly was something he could never understand. He couldn't even recall a time in which he had felt genuine affection for his own dad. He had left home being so young. And later, Christopher Henderson became his mentor. Gross mistake.

Nevertheless, Secretary James Heller had been unquestionably the person Jack had admired the most, the kind of man he had always wanted to be. He had looked up to him like a father and his betrayal had hurt him very deeply. He didn't blame Heller for speaking the scary and ugly truth though. But why hadn't he tried harder to rescue him from China, if anything to keep Audrey away from that place?

Suddenly, the silence as Jack and Renee tidied up the kitchen became too unbearable. Jack shook his head. He wanted to stop his current train of thinking. He had to break the silence and the tension. He had to say something, anything. He said the first thing that came to his head "So, your middle name is Abigail?"

It worked, because Renee clucked softly, it was the last thing she had expected him to point out at that moment. She nodded. "Yeah, my dad chose it as my middle name, after my mom. But mainly because Abigail means: her father's joy"

Jack could sense so much pride Renee's voice. He thought of his own daughter. Kim had worshiped him as a child. But after all the terrible things that kept happening around him, she had rightfully hated him for a long while. Surprisingly, she eventually had eventually forgiven him and blessed him with two amazing gifts: life and one adorable granddaughter. He only wished he could be for his daughter the kind of hero Captain Walker had been in Renee's eyes.

**02.30 PM**

Kim and Jack had enjoyed their lunch together and now they were having a coffee. She couldn't help to notice that her dad was in a particularly good mood. So, it seemed like the perfect time for asking him a little favor. "You know, dad, Steve and I were invited to spend the weekend at some friends' beach house, in Jersey"

"Really? Sounds good"

"It is… and we wanted to take Teri with us, but all she does is talk about how much fun she always has with you… so…"

Jack smiled and shook his head. It was such a pathetic intent to manipulate him. But it didn't bother him because he guessed what Kim was about to ask and it was something he enjoyed. "You want her to stay with me"

"Yes, is that okay with you?" Kim was really hoping spending time with Teri would make Jack more eager to move to L.A. It was frustrating not having and answer about that from him yet. How much longer would it take for him to make up his mind?

"Sure" Jack said enthusiastically. He adored taking care of little Teri. But that now there was a difficult topic he had to discuss with Kim. He had no choice but to tell her about Renee since Teri would be staying in his apartment. "But, sweetheart, you should know… Renee will be there with Teri too"

"What? What do you mean?" she asked with some confusion, as she took a zip of the hot cappuccino.

"Well, she is staying in my apartment"

Kim coughed several times; she had nearly choked with a tiny piece of chocolate that came with the drink. Jack looked worried and patted her back. Then he handed her a glass of water. But she was most shocked than anything else. "Sorry, dad, did you say she's staying in your apartment… meaning she's living with you?"

"I said she's staying in my apartment… whatever that means"

"But… you barely know her…" She tried to objet. But her father cut her off dryly.

"This isn't up to debate, Kim. We are not going to have another argument about you not liking Renee."

"I just don't know her well enough" She pointed out quickly on her own defense. "So, does this means she's definitely your girlfriend now?"

Jack still refused to label his relationship with Renee in any way. He felt like using a word like 'lover' or 'girlfriend' would be like tempting fate. Every woman who had entered in his life under one of those categories had died, in one way or another, sooner or later. So he rushed to state, a bit too nervously "It doesn't mean anything, okay? It just means she's in my apartment. And I'm an adult. You don't get to decide who I let stay with me"

"Okay, but what if I don't want my child to stay with a stranger?"

"I'll be the one looking after Teri and I'm her grandpa. Renee is just… a woman who will be around too. And she's no stranger. Not to me"

"Dad, I'm sorry, you have to understand. I hardly know that woman"

"I understand that. But you know me and you trust me. Please, I want to look after Teri. And she got along fine with Renee the few times they met. Sweetheart, you have nothing to worry about, I give you my word"

"Fine, I trust you, daddy"

Jack smiled at his daughter to reassure her that everything would be okay. He understood it must be a shock for her to see him suddenly involved with someone he had known for such a short period of time. But he hoped she would come around eventually.

**1.30 AM - Upper East Side Manhattan - Kim and Steve's apartment **

Kim was lying on her bed, next to her husband, but wide awake. As much as she tried she just couldn't relax and fall asleep. She decided to get up and get a cup of tea. In the process, Steve woke up. He knew his wife was still very upset. So he decided to follow her to the kitchen and talk to her about it. "Hun, are you still angry about your dad and Renee Walker?"

"It's just… I don't get it. Has my dad lost his mind completely? He barely knows that woman"

"I know. But he's an adult, is it really that bad that he found someone?"

"No… but I don't trust her."

"You don't know her"

"Neither does him" She pointed out quickly. Then she bit her lower lip. It particularly bugged her how fast that relationship seemed to be turning into something so serious. "And why are they in such a rush anyway?"

Stephen shrugged. How could he know that? Jack's relationship with Renee was definitely not Steve's business, or Kim's. But he knew Kim needed to talk to someone, and it was better for her to vent with her husband. So he served the tea for him and his wife and sat next to her. But he suggested nicely "Shouldn't you be discussing this with your father?"

"No way. That part of his life is not something we truly talk about. Well, he can talk, but I'm not allowed to have an opinion about it. Look, I don't want him to be mad at me"

"I understand that. But, tell me, what bothers you so much about her?"

"I can't exactly tell what. Something is just wrong with her" She said a bit awkwardly.

"Come on, Kim."

"I'm serious. I met her that day I went to DC. Trust me. I can barely recognize her now. Besides, back then she was a terrific FBI agent. She helped save many lives. Including Henry Taylor's. But now she's unemployed? How come the FBI let her go? She must have done something terrible"

"Aren't you just being paranoid and over protective?"

"Maybe… but… Steve, after all my dad went through with women since my mom died… He can't get hurt again like that. I would hate to see him that crushed again"

"I know, honey. But he's an adult. He can take care of himself"

"I know. I just can't help to feel worried. After my mom died, he dated Kate Warner, who he met because her sister was a terrorist. Then he goes to Mexico and has an affair with the wife of a narcoterrorist. Not to mention Audrey Raines. I just don't get it. My dad seems to have a thing for women with serious troubles"

Steve sighed. "Okay, hun, please, stop worrying. I mean, Renee looked kind of depressed and all. But she doesn't have a job. It's understandable. It doesn't mean she's in trouble"

"I hope it's not all how it looks like." Kim sighed, thinking of the scars Renee had. It was exactly the kind of mess her father didn't need at the moment. She had been there. But she had put herself together before meeting Steve. She hadn't used her husband to fix her problems. She simply stated "The last thing my dad needs is to date yet another woman in desperate need to be rescued."

"Kim, they are both adults…"

So she was powerless to do anything anyway, and she knew that already. She was simply upset over it. She gave her husband the Bauer-signature-look that meant '_I agree because I have to but I'm not happy about it'_. And she groaned "Fine. I'll have to let it go"

However, as they were walking to bed, Kim just couldn't let all go. She had to win one. So she asked her husband, "At least admit she is an East Coast snob".

Steve rolled his eyes. He adored Kim, but she could be so stubborn. He pointed out, "Honey, you think anybody who isn't crazy about California is an East Coast snob."

"Fine, but really… who goes from the East Cost to California only to see the Reagan Presidential Library?"

"Okay, I thought that was weird too" Steve had to admit.

"Thank you!"

Suddenly, he was hit by a revelation, "Wow… that really bothers you. Doesn't it?"

"What?"

"That your dad is dating in New York and the woman has lived in the East Coast her entire life. You just think she'll never let him move back to L.A."

"That's ridiculous. He'll do whatever he wants to do". But she was clearly too upset. The possibility of Renee keeping Jack in New York was what bothered Kim the most. Steve could read her like a book.

They both got into bed, and Steve held her and caressed her hair. "You know, honey. Even if he doesn't move to California, it will be all right. You'll visit each other, and talk to each other all the time. This doesn't mean you'll lose him again"

Kim just shook her head on denial. "He won't stay here just for her. We are his family"

**TO BE CONTINUED… **

**(Please, tell me what you think!)**


	12. A deep ocean of secrets

**Author's note: **As always, I'm very grateful for all the people reading and re-reading this first part of the 's making me so happy! And I promise to go on with the second part soon.

**SERIES: Everything went downhill from there**

**PART ONE: A total eclipse of the heart**

**Previously:** Renee lost her fiancée at 9-11. She joined the FBI and in2012 went to work undercover with a Russian mobster called Vladimir Laitanan. She managed to keep a terrible secret about that mission from the FBI (chapter 1) Jack and Renee are unofficially living together. He's determined to take her out of her depression.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own 24. It belongs to fox, Joel Surnow, Robert Cochran and Howard Gordon.

**CHAPTER 12:**

**A deep ocean of secrets**

**Year 2013 – August **

**Brighton Beach – Brooklyn****, New York - Vladimir ****Laitanan****'s house**

"You sold us out!" the Russian yelled madly.

"No, I didn't" Renee replied terrified. Vladimir was drunker than ever, which she didn't think was even possible.

"The FBI knows about us!" he said slapping harshly across the face.

Renee simply put a hand on her cheek and looked at him as if he were talking nonsense. "What? The FBI? No way! Why do you think that, Vlad?"

"A deal I was working on, was suddenly cancel. I lost 40 grants, you bitch!" He slapped her again. This time she fell to the floor. She just stared at him in horror, not daring to get up.

"I know nothing about that. Is that why you've been drinking? And what does the FBI has to do…?"

Vladimir walked around the living room feeling angrier than ever. "The buyers backed out! And Lugo says is because we are being watched by the FBI. Nobody will deal with us!"

"No way! I can't believe it!" Renee tried hard to convince him that she was just as shocked and outraged about that as he was. All she was feeling at that moment was fear. After several months of fruitless efforts to bust Vladimir and prove the existence of a different Russian crime syndicate called 'Red Square', her cover had been blown. Vladimir would kill her and she would die as a failure.

"My phones are bugged! Explain that, you bitch!" He said forcing her to stand up only to push her to a couch.

"Anyone could have bugged those phones! But I didn't, Vlad. Think about it. I'm a wanted criminal too. I want nothing to do with the FBI." Then she tried the one thing that had always worked with that man. She got a bit closer to him, and reminded him softly "Besides, I'm with you, remember?"

It made her sick just saying those words. But somehow she had winded up as Vlad's girl. She had truly done the unthinkable to get to where she was. Things had gone from bad to worse about three months before, when Vladimir got tired of Renee's rejections and raped her. But not even after that she abandoned the mission. She hadn't wanted to run away defeated. She had wanted to take him down first. She hadn't been able to back down now. But she had gotten too desperate to leave that hell. So Renee had taken a bigger risk, bugging his phones to find the information she needed soon.

However, Vladimir was no longer buying her act. He hit her again and this time, when she fell down her head hit a coffee table. The Russian kept beating her up until she was unconscious. The last thing Renee heard from him was "I'll find out who you really are soon, bitch!"

An hour later, Renee woke up from unconsciousness. The first thing he noticed was that he had locked her in a small bedroom, with no windows. He had put her on a bed without bothering to tie her up. She could hardly move anyway, because the pain she was felling was too intense. Regardless, she went to the door and, naturally, it was locked. There was no way she could force it open. There were no phones in the room either. She was trapped.

She had to focus. She had to think of something. But all she could think was in the agonizing pain she was feeling. She couldn't take it anymore. She dropped on the floor in fetal position. Her abdomen was hurting so damn much. It was unbearable. She felt sharp intermittent cramps. Then she noticed to her horror that her panties seemed soaked in blood, just like the crotch of her pants. But she was losing too much blood and feeling too much pain for it to be her period. Besides, hadn't she gotten her period last…? No, she hadn't.

And then to her dreadfulness it all made sense. It explained everything she had been experiencing for the past two weeks. Feeling nauseas, the dizziness, being tired all the time and sleeping more than usual. That bastard had done it. He had gotten her pregnant.

Her first thoughts after realizing she was pregnant were very confusing and contrived. What would she do now? She didn't want that baby. She hated Vladimir and everything related to him. But she could never have an abortion. It went against everything she personally believed in. But the idea of carrying the seed of Vladimir inside her horrified her.

And then, as she felt the sharp pain of another cramp, she realized it had all been already decided for her. She was having a miscarriage. And Vladimir was about to kill her anyway. She started crying a river of tears. But those tears were not for the child. She just didn't want to die. Not like this. Not because of him. Not defeated.

Luckily, her extra cell phone was still in the secret pocket she had sewed inside one leg of her pants. Vladimir had obviously been too drunk to think about registering her carefully before locking her up. She sighed in massive relief. She grabbed that cell phone and called the emergency number. "This is Agent Walker. I'm calling in a code 66. I repeat code 66"

That was all she needed to say. The FBI rescue team would arrive to Vladimir's house soon. She lied on the bed to wait for her fate. She had no idea how much blood she was losing. But she was becoming weaker and weaker every second. She felt like she was going to bleed out to death soon. And her entire body was aching so badly that she couldn't even tell the source of the pain anymore. She prayed to be taken to a hospital soon.

Then she heard the front door opening and the sound of people coming into the house. She recognized the voices but none of them was Vladimir's. It was just a bunch of his buddies… Paul Gracelovsky, Lugo Elson and Ziya Dakhilov.

"Move! Vlad said we should get rid of any evidence soon" Lugo ordered the others.

"What about Renee?" Paul asked.

"He wants her alive for now, until she breaks and tells us who she is. I'll go get her"

That had been Lugo, a man who had always hated her. Renee held her breath and hid the phone.

Lugo opened the door and was surprised for a moment to see that much blood. But he couldn't figure out the exact reason. Frankly, he couldn't care less. "Get up, bitch! Vlad wants you"

"I need to go to a hospital" Renee begged uselessly. Asking wouldn't hurt anyway.

"The only place you are going is the bottom of the Hudson River" Lugo dragged her to the other room. But she could barely stand, let alone walk. So he threw her to Zima's arms. "You carry this dirty whore. We'll take her to Vlad now!"

Zima picked effortlessly Renee's small and weakened body in his arms. He was astonished by all the blood. "Fuck! What did he do?"

Soon Renee was being taken to a car. That was it. They would take her somewhere by the river, where Vladimir would execute her and dump her body to the waters. Perhaps she would be dead already by the time they took her to him. She felt like she was dying right in that second. She was truly scared. She silently begged God to let her live. Just when they were about to put her on the trunk, she heard the unmistakable sound of a helicopter and cars arriving at full speed. Finally, she heard the magic words coming from a megaphone. "FBI! You are surrounded!"

The men had no other choice but to put the hands behind their heads and get on their knees. One agent put Renee on a gurney, but handcuffing her to it as if she were any other injured prisoner. The agents knew they had to try not to blow her cover by pretending they were taking her into custody too.

As she fell into unconsciousness, Renee thanked God for answering her prayers. Little did she know that soon enough she would be wishing His answer had been "no".

**YEAR 2018 – April 6****th****, Friday**

**6 AM -**** Chelsea, New York City – Jack's apartment **

Renee woke up startled. Her hair was damping in sweat and she felt like all the air had been sucked up from his lungs. She took a few deep breaths and glanced at Jack sleeping by her side. But this time she got no comfort from seeing him. She was too shaken up. Dreaming about that night always was like reliving everything once again.

She went quickly the bathroom and got into the shower. As the hot water ran all the way through her body, her tears ran freely from her eyes. Instinctively, she put one hand over her belly that was aching. She felt as weak and dizzy as she had that awful night. With one hand as support, she remained standing under the hot water and cried for all the things she was feeling but could never express out loud.

Ironically, she had gotten what she wanted in a way. The mere idea of having a baby that belonged to that bastard was repulsive and horrifying to her. However, her relief only lasted for about five minutes. Then she got the most awful news she could have ever imagined. She probably could never be pregnant again. Only God knew how strongly she wanted a child from someone she loved, conceived under her own terms. Knowing that could never happen broke her heart in tiny little pieces. God only knew how much pain and regret she carried in her deepest of her heart and soul.

Eventually she learnt how to live with that pain. What other choice did she have? It was something she had to live with. It was the punishment she had gotten for not mourning the death of a child that was half hers. It was her punishment for being a monster. So she had forced herself to accept such punishment. At least she tried to accept it. She tried her best to forget everything about the Russians. She never allowed herself to even think for a moment about what happened. She had made herself tougher and stronger somehow.

After being released from the hospital, she went back to DC and held on fiercely to her career. Also, as a way to make the nights shorter, she had slept with Larry for a while, when he still wasn't even divorced yet. It was just one more sin to add to her list anyway. She had tried not to feel anything. But every now and then she fell absolutely apart. Sometimes, she couldn't help feeling the pain and cried until she ran out of tears, with only God as her witness. Nonetheless, it wasn't until the day she met Jack that she lost it completely. That day she felt too damn sick of watching evil unfold before her eyes without being able to stop it.

Finally, Renee stopped crying, feeling calmer after releasing some of her angst. She washed her hair and thought about her former Irish-red color, her natural color. That shade of red did not suit her anymore. It was meant for someone like Jimmy's fiancé or Agent Walker. A while after her failed suicide attempt, she had dyed it back to the same dark auburn color she had wore during her undercover mission. She liked how that color made her look tougher, as strong as she wished she could be for real. She had to be strong and tough.

Jack entered in the bathroom cheerfully, completely oblivious of Renee's recent meltdown. "Is okay if I join you?"

That reminded Renee the exact reason why she had to be strong. She was indeed so glad he had woken up. She more than welcomed the diversion from her sad train of thinking. Ever since they had run into each other in the park, Jack had kept her by his side, showing that he wanted her with him, that he needed her to stay with him. So she had to put herself together once and for all. She had to be okay for him.

"Of course, Jack" She told him, longing for his embrace.

Jack got in the shower and Renee kissed him desperately, which pleasantly surprised him. When they pulled apart to gasp for air, he whispered "good morning to you too".

She just kept kissing him with increasing urgency. This was exactly what she needed right now, a session of mind-blowing sex that would definitely prevent her from any sort of thinking. Jack was exactly what she needed. Only in his arms she could forget all her sorrows. Not that he was the magical solution for everything. Yet, Jack was the only reason she had to even try at all leaving her darkest hours behind. He made her want to get better.

"This truly blows my mind every time" Jack moaned with pleasure as he kissed a tattoo Renee had on one of her breasts. It was a simple rose. But not even on his dirtiest and wildest dreams he had ever imagined Agent Renee Walker with a tattoo. She was as beautiful as she was unpredictable. There were times when her unpredictability scared the hell out of him, but other times he found it absolutely arousing.

Renee didn't even want to think about that rose, especially not at that moment. It was her initiation Tattoo, made right after Vladimir had accepted her into his gang. The oldest and higher ranking members had other symbols tattooed on their skins. But every new member of any Russian mob got some sort of rose on the chest as a symbol of their initiation. Moreover, a rose of that kind, in the world of the Russian mob, meant _'ruined youth'_ as well. And Renee felt that, as sad as it was, that described her life perfectly.

Jack noticed that Renee had frozen and now looked haunted. That was so confusing to him, since their moments of intimacy were normally great for both of them. He backed away a little and looked at her with concern. "Hey, are you okay? Did I do something wrong?"

Renee wanted to make any painful thought vanish from her mind. She had to. Jack was amazing with her and she didn't want to ruin what they had. She wanted to give him her undivided attention. So she brushed her lips against his and caressed his tongue gently with hers. Then she kissed his neck and whispered "You're doing everything right…" She pressed him firmly against the ceramic tiles and kissed him again. Apparently encouraged, Jack traded positions with her and took over. He pressed her against the ceramic tiles, taking her firmly by both wrists and kissing her with consuming hunger. When he began licking the salty mix of water and sweat from her neck and shoulders she cheered him on. "Oh, that's right…. so right… don't stop, Jack"

She wished she could get lost in that moment forever. Not even on her best days she believed she was good enough for Jack. She wasn't the right woman for him, but she desperately wanted to be. And, for her life, she was going to try to become the right one.

**09.05 AM**

"So, what's her ETA?" Renee was nervously whisking some eggs with milk and some flour to make pancakes for little Teri. Well, they would also be for herself. She felt very hungry for some comforting food.

"Sweetheart, I told you, you don't have to make her breakfast" Jack reminded her gently, as he had some coffee.

"But what if I want to?" She said as she turned around with a smirk on her face.

"In that case, her ETA is in ten minutes, madam" Jack mocked light-heartily her agent-like tone. He found it extremely cute that she cared about making his granddaughter's favorite breakfast. But he wasn't completely fooled. Despite the amazing morning sex and her good attitude, he could tell there was something bothering her. Her gorgeous bluish eyes looked sad. But he decided to let it go for the moment. It wasn't strange for her to have mood swings. And there was no point in pressing her when she didn't want to talk about an issue that bugged her. Instead, he put his arms around her waist from behind and kissed her neck in appreciation. "And thank you"

"You are welcome…"

He then noticed Renee was making heart-shaped pancakes. Just like the ones his wife used to make, which was why he had made them for little Teri in the first place. "Oh… you…? You're making hearts?"

Noticing he had gotten strangely nervous and awkward all the sudden, she turned around to face him with concern. Hadn't Jack said it was the kid's favorite breakfast? "Yeah… she loves them, right it?"

"Yeah… yeah…" he assured her, thinking he was being silly. "It's just so sweet that you care about that"

She sighed relieved. It made her glad knowing she was at least doing something right. After finishing one pancake, she gave Jack a half-smile, put her arms around his neck and kissed him.

**9.30 AM**

Renee, Jack and little Teri were sitting around the table having breakfast. The grownups looked at the little girl expectantly. They were feeling a bit nervous. They had just told her Renee was staying in the apartment with Jack, and they were waiting for her reaction.

The kid looked at them with curiosity. "You are married?"

Jack clucked. "No, kiddo. Renee is my friend. But now she also sleeps here at nights"

"Is that okay with you, princess?" Renee didn't want the kid to feel like they were imposing an intruder on her.

"But that's my bed" Teri complained, pointing with her little finger in direction to the guest room. She was only worried about losing the special guest room she had in her grandpa's place. That would have been upsetting for her. It belonged to her.

"No, that room is still only for you" Jack assured her, trying not to giggle. He was glad she was too young to understand what was truly going on. Otherwise, it would have been awkward to say the least.

"Of course" Renee backed up promptly, nodding.

"Good" the little girl said grinning.

Jack then remembered that he had, in fact, to clean up the guest bedroom. It hadn't been cleaned since Teri had last staid there. So, after breakfast, he got busy cleaning.

Renee was watching Teri while the little girl made drawings and colored her book. "So, what's that?"

"Fishes" The little girl explained, while drawing yellow and orange circles over her own version of an ocean.

"Wow, those are some cute fishes" Renee praised, while caressing the girl's blond hair.

"This is a duckie" Teri explained while drawing a circle and then a smaller one on top of it as if it were the duck's head with a yellow crayon. Then she did the same with a pink crayon. "This duck is a girl"

"I see…" Renee nodded in agreement. Then she suggested "How about… a boat? You can make a boat so people can visit the duckies and the fishes"

"I can't make a boat" Teri protested, since she didn't know how to draw a boat. But then she came up with a different idea, and told Renee "You make it!"

"But I don't know how to draw, princess" Renee weakly tried to excuse herself.

"Please" the little girl said dragging the "e" and making her sweet face.

"Okay… okay" Renee began making the drawing Teri had requested.

"And a dolphin too, _d_enee!" Teri pleaded sweetly.

"Okay, a dolphin too" Renee started making the draw as Teri watched anxiously. When she was finished, she handed it to the kid. "Do you want to color it?"

"Yay!"The kid immediately took the picture and began coloring it. Of course, Teri didn't care about using the right color. So she was painting the dolphin pink and the boat purple.

"I like that. A girl dolphin and a boat for girls" Renee stated, trying to keep a straight face.

**4 PM**

Jack and Renee took Teri for a ride around Manhattan on the Circle Line cruise. It was a ride to see the island's skyline sailing around it. Renee had tried to get out of it, under the pretext of wanting to give them some alone time. But they had insisted that she had to go too. Renee had eventually caved in. Teri was simply fascinated watching all the magnificent buildings. Renee had actually some fun playing tour guide and sharing trivia about what they saw.

Then she had it right before her eyes. The place she had been avoiding for too many years. Of course it looked completely different now, since it had been entirely rebuilt. Thus, Renee had not expected to have any reaction whatsoever, especially not after all this years. She had never anticipated the effect that place would have in her.

All she could see when she looked in that direction was Manhattan's old skyline, with those two identical towers, the tallest of all the buildings. Suddenly she could see and smell the smoke coming out of them. She could see the South Tower collapsing as if it were that same day.

Jack noticed she had suddenly lost all color from her face. He put an arm around her protectively, worried that she might faint. She simply hid her face on his chest. He could feel her trembling.

**9 PM -**** Jack's apartment **

After the boat trip, Renee had been pretty quiet for the rest of the afternoon, speaking only when it was strictly necessary, or when she was trying to be nice to little Teri.

The little girl was already tucked up in her bed after having dinner. Renee was by the sink washing the dishes. Jack looked at her with concern. Her eyes had never been sadder. He approached her, and tried to gently take her hands and stop her. "Hey, Renee, you don't have to…"

"It's fine, Jack" Renee cut him off dryly. Actually, she had to. She had to do anything or she would fall apart.

"What if we sit down and talk about it?"

"About what?" She played dumb and kept rubbing frantically a dish that had already been clean with a sponge.

"Something's been bothering you all day. And when we went on the boat trip…"

Before he could say another word, she cut him off again, "It doesn't matter, Jack. Okay? It'll pass. I promise you. I'll be better tomorrow"

He shook his head wishing so badly that were true. But he knew better. "You won't be better tomorrow. You'll just be better at pretending to be better, right?"

She looked into his eyes as she pleaded sadly "Jack, don't go there now. I'm begging you"

It broke his heart. It looked like she wasn't just sad, she appeared afraid of talking to him about it. "I swear. I'm just trying to understand. But I can't if you won't talk to me"

"I'm sorry. I don't know how to do this" she looked down and away from him, feeling ashamed of herself. Not only she was messed up, but she couldn't even successfully pretend to be fine for him. After all he had done for her. He was the only good thing in her life and she was managing to destroy that as well.

"What do you mean?"

"Trust me. I'm trying to get better. I'm really trying. But I can't…" She told him truly frustrated. She felt so stuck. But she didn't want to be. She wanted to get better. But what if she couldn't? She would lose him. She was truly terrified of losing him. So she rushed to promise him solemnly "But I really want to. I swear I'll try harder" Then she got a bit closer to him, to assure him "Jack, I want to be with you."

It took a moment for Jack to process her words and realize what she was thinking. But it was so silly for her to think that. "Do you think I expect you to be completely all right over night? Sweetheart, I know the kind of dark place in which you are. I've been there. I know it'll take you more time to get better" Then he clarified firmly "and that's okay"

"So what do you want from me?" she asked desperate to understand him.

"I just want us to talk. I want to be with you too, even if you right now are in the darkest place on this earth. But I want us to talk"

"Talk about what, exactly?"

"About all the stuff you keep hiding from me. Look, if your idea of getting better is just to look like you are fine for my benefit… I mean, you are a smart woman. You can't possibly think that covering everything up works"

She sat on the couch feeling extremely exhausted and overpowered. "It doesn't"

Jack sat right next to her and rubbed circles on her back. "I'm willing to listen"

Renee sighed deeply. There were things she definitely wasn't willing to tell him, at least not yet. But like in a tale, she could start by telling him the beginning. She flinched. Her eyes clouded with tears as she contemplated in her mind the life she'll never have. "I was engaged. His name was James. We were going to be so happy together. I was going to have it all."

"But what happened?"

"9-11 happened. He worked in the South Tower. 84th floor. I was so close when I heard the first crash. I ran to the disaster area to look for him, but then I saw this little girl, alone, and scared, petrified in the middle of that mess. So I picked her up and ran uptown with her… instead of running into the tower… I ran uptown with the girl" She shook her head and a tear ran through her cheek. Renee wondered for the millionth time why on earth had everything happened in such way. Why did she have to escape without a scratch when he couldn't? She continued with her voice breaking, "Then… the tower just collapsed…"

For her, that would always be the exact moment in which the world as she knew it had ended. Jimmy lost his life, and she, in a different way, lost hers as well. It was the end of her life as she had planned it, as she had imagined it.

In that life she had dreamt about, she would have never winded up alone, in a dirty room, with broken bones and blood coming out from her womb as she prayed for her survival.

It completely broke his heart to see her in so much pain. Jack could definitely understand what it was like to suffer for the life you were missing out, to imagine an entire future with someone only to find that perfect future had suddenly vanished. Twice in his life he was going to have it all. And both times the opportunity had been abruptly robbed from him. So he was awfully familiar with the kind of pain Renee was feeling. He just couldn't stand to see her crying. He gently caressed her cheek and brushed the tear from her eye.

He then took her hand and asked "Why were you afraid to tell me that?"

"I wasn't afraid of telling you." Renee clarified that quickly. Of course Jack, of all people, would have understood. "I just don't talk about it. I just don't want to remember. It hurts so much. Until today I hadn't even dared to look in that direction again"

That surprised him a little. But he thought that, if he had been able too, he would have avoided looking at the place of Teri's death too. He just couldn't because it was sadly the same place where he had to work every day, which had been nearly impossible at first. Jack then mused that the reason Renee couldn't stand to remember was precisely because she had been avoided doing it for far too long. He took her in his arms and let her rest her head on his shoulder. "I'm sorry" he whispered as he ran his fingers through her hair.

He then did some math on his head. On 2001 Renee had to be barely twenty two years old. He and Teri were as young when they got married. The thought that was crossing his mind at that moment escaped from his lips spontaneously "You got engaged young too"

"Yeah" she nodded sadly in agreement. "I knew in life there aren't many people with whom you can connect with in such a powerful way. It rarely happens…."

"So, when it does, you want to hold on to it forever" He concluded naturally for her. She kept her head on his shoulder as he had one arm around her and her hands between his. Then they both remained silent for a moment. Jack moved away from her, not being able to face her as he added bitterly "but that's not always up to you. It might be taken away from you. And, just like that, you have to bury all your hopes, dreams and plans for the future. I know what that's like. Trust me"

Renee nodded. She knew already knowing Jack understood that kind of pain. She sighed and asked with a hint of desperation in her voice "And what do you do? How do you cope with it?"

"I can't explain you a way", he told her gently, for her disappointment. Jack looked at her sadly. Why was Renee asking _him_ for advice, as if he had a clue? He felt he was very far from being a decent role model. "I don't know a right way… if there's one. When you and I met I hadn't spoken to my daughter in years, my entire life was such a mess… it had been for so long… you know that"

Renee knew about Jack's mistakes and rough times. Bur how could she make him see how much she admired him? Looking straight into Jacks eyes, she simply told him "But, still, you have come a long way since then"

"I _had_ to carry on… I had to" As he said that, he instinctively looked in direction to the guest room, where his granddaughter was sleeping. He had his daughter and his granddaughter. Kim had always been his reason to carry on. Even when she was apart from him, he had at least the hope of having her back someday. Now Kim had forgiven him and was happily married with a kid. That gave him a reason to have hope in some sort of future worth living for. It gave him a reason to believe he wasn't cursed.

Renee followed his gaze. It hit her harshly again that Jack had a family. He had done everything mostly for Kim and now little Teri too.

All the sudden, she felt the familiar sharp pain in her stomach. Such a strong pain. After that, she felt it coming, inevitably: the waterfall of tears. Renee knew Jack was by her side, he was there for her. But there were some things he could never understand, things he couldn't even imagine. Without being able to help it, she crumbled down in tears as he held her. She muffed the sound of her sobs by hiding her face between her hands. She hated it so much when she cried.

Jack took her in his arms and cradled her as he rubbed her back trying to comfort her. He couldn't stand to see her so sad. But as unhappy and broken as she was, he still had faith in her capacity to get back on her feet.

When Renee finally stopped crying, he softly brushed the remains of the tears and caressed her cheeks. He had no idea what he could do to help her. Then Jack decided to try something different. He firmly took her by her shoulder, forced her to meet his gaze as he assured her with conviction "Listen to me, Renee Abigail Walker. You are strong. You are tough. You are smart. And you are going to be fine."

The use of her full name made her remember her real self. Frankly, she sometimes believed she was a pathetic, traumatized and abused woman who had once posed as a tough federal agent, and not the other way around.

However, as she listened to Jack she felt a bit more confidence in herself. He believed in her. Plus, he wanted so badly to see doing all right. She nodded and promised him "I can't guarantee that I'm going to be fine. But I swear, I'm gonna try like hell"

Her firm tone told him that she meant it. Of course she couldn't actually promise she would be fine. Jack knew too well that there were no guarantees in life. There were sadly too many things beyond their power and their control. But she was certainly going to try. That was all she had to do. That was all he needed her to do.

He kissed her softly in the lips, and then led her gently to bed.

As she was comfortably lying in Jack's arms, realized once again how badly he wanted her to leave all the darkness behind. She wanted to let him know he was actually doing her so much good. There were a lot of things she couldn't tell him. But she could honestly assure him one thing, "Please, Jack… know that, despite how I'm acting, I'm glad I'm here now… I'm glad to be here"

"And I'm glad to have you here, honey" He caressed her back and smiled at her.

Renee kissed him softly on the lips and he reciprocated. They were engaged in a passionate kiss when, out of the blue, they felt the bedroom door opening. Little Teri innocently walked in. Jack and Renee abruptly interrupted their kiss and moved away from each other feeling incredibly embarrassed. But naturally, and fortunately, the kid was too little to fully understand everything. She just saw them kissing like her mommy and daddy did. And she knew that was something adults did to show affection, but nothing else. She innocently climbed to the bed and settled herself right in the middle of Jack and Renee.

"What's going on, kiddo?" Jack asked his granddaughter, trying to restrain a giggle.

"I wanna sleep here, Jack, please?" The little girl begged with her sweetest face ever.

"What's wrong with your own room? I thought you liked it" Jack commented with surprise. Little Teri normally slept by herself fine. She said she wasn't a baby.

"There's a ghost there" Teri complained.

"Sweetheart, I'm sure it was only a bad dream" Jack assured her with a smile, as he brushed her blonde curls with his fingers. He still recalled Kim's night-terror phase too well.

"No, I heard it! There is a ghost. I'm scared, grandpa"

"But ghosts are not real, they don't exist" Jack insisted.

Renee realized the kid was probably just worried about losing her grandpa's love. Probably that fear had made little Teri have a bad dream. "Jack, if she's scared she should sleep here"

The little girl looked at Renee, now feeling truly relieved "Really?"

"Of course, princess" Renee assured her, half-smiling at her.

"But just tonight, okay?" Jack said trying to sound firm.

"I promise."

Jack smiled and kissed Teri goodnight in the forehead. Then he gave Renee a soft kiss on the lips and stretched his hand to hold hers while he drifted into a peaceful sleep.

But an hour later, Renee was still wide awake. A strong wave of guilt hit her and it came back to hit her harder every passing minute. The image of Jack sleeping next to his adorable grandkid, as sweet as it was, became suddenly too much for her to take.

Making sure not to wake anybody, she went to the kitchenette and made herself a tea. After drinking it, she laid on the couch to spend the rest of the night there.

When you are facing a ghost, you just know it. The temperature in the room suddenly drops. You feel a shiver right thorough your spine. Your heart-rate quickens. All your muscles get tense.

Except that what she had seen was not a ghost. It was an instinct inside her that would never die, a profound need that would never be fulfilled. At least for that moment, Renee could neither run nor hide from her own deepest desires. That terrified her to the very core.

**TO BE CONTINUED… **

**(PLEASE, YOUR OPINIONS ARE VERY WELCOMED!)**


	13. PS I lov

**AUTHORS NOTE:** I appreciate so much your support! Thanks to all of you for reading! And it makes me so happy that people like this story.

**SERIES: Everything went downhill from there**

**PART ONE: A total eclipse of the heart**

**Previously:** A friend will help Renee to leave the country under a different name (chapter 4). Jack found out about her plans to leave to Germany and wasn't happy about that. (Chapter 9) Renee miscarried Vladimir's baby during her undercover mission. Now she wishes she could have a baby, but can't. Jack hears the story of Jimmy.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own 24. It belongs to fox, Joel Surnow, Robert Cochran and Howard Gordon.

**CHAPTER 13:**

**P.S. I LOV… **

**YEAR 2010**

**California, L.A.**

Jack and Audrey were on their backs, beside each other, trying to catch their breaths. It had been so amazing, absolutely spectacular. They already wanted to do it again, but they needed a few minutes to recover first. Audrey was thirsty, so she put on Jack's long shirt and got up. Jack watched her marveled by her beauty. She took a bottle of alcohol-free wine and two glasses. Jack thought it was wonderful how she had accepted the fact that until recently he had been a drug addict. Now, as a part of his recovery program, he wasn't even allowed to have alcohol. But his problem with drugs wasn't something that scared her.

"You know, you can have a real drink" he told her, not wanting her to change her normal habits because of him.

"But I like this one" she replied honestly. She sat on the bed next to Jack and poured the drink. Then she raised her glass to make a toast "to all the things and the people I like… just the way they are"

Jack got the obvious hint. He smiled and raising his glass he said "here's looking at you, kid"

Audrey kissed him softly on the lips appreciating that line from Casablanca, which had sort of become 'their' special movie ever since they talked about it on their first date. They were definitely starting something that could be truly beautiful.

**October – YEAR 2011**

**06:46:36**** - California**

It seemed that the moment was meant for some big emotional speech. Outside the warehouse, a black van parked and Audrey got off it. He watched her glowing under the sun that had just risen over California. Without missing a beat, Jack ditched the medic that had taken care of his head injure and headed towards her. As he brushed past several security agents to get to where she was standing (somehow, it felt like there were hundredths of agents annoyingly getting on his way), he kept his eyes fixated on hers. There were so many things they had to say to her after everything they had gone through.

They had been painfully apart for eighteen months. And in the last twenty fours, they had chased terrorist and traitors to their country, one of them being the very President of the United States. But now the national crisis was solved, the dangers had passed and they had time to actually talk about their relationship, to have a real conversation about their future together. Jack was sure such an important moment called for some big and eloquent speech about everything he felt about her in his heart and soul. Yet, as he stood in front of Audrey, only one small word could escape his lips in a whisper "Hey"

"Hey" she replied right back. They both stared at each other silently for a few seconds. She still couldn't believe she was indeed looking at him. "Thank God you're safe"

"Everything's gonna be all right" Jack assured her quickly.

"I heard you kidnapped the President" She pointed out with concern. To her, it had sounded like Jack was in huge trouble and she didn't want him to go to jail.

"I was just trying to get him to give me a direct confession" He explained.

"Jack…" She smiled delighted. It seemed Jack was truly off the hook. She took his hand, needing badly his touch. She was dying to be alone with him. "How much longer do you need to stay here?"

He shook his head. Frankly, he had no idea. But he was anxious to take her home. So he wouldn't let some pesky bureaucratic details get on his way. "Not much longer. They can debrief me tomorrow."

"Are you sure?" If he assured her so, she would believe him. Audrey wanted nothing but to walk away with him. But that just seemed too good to be true after the events of the past twenty four hours. Would they really get to just be together again… at last?

Honestly, he couldn't quite believe it himself. Yet, there they were…. in front of each other, and they could do whatever they wanted. They were finally done chasing terrorists, traitors and one very corrupted President. Before she could say another word, he kissed Audrey with urgency. He savored their kiss in a way he hadn't been able to savor the few ones he had given her in the past hours. This kiss tasted so much better because his job was done. He had the time and the freedom to be with her. He rested his forehead against hers, needing to keep her close to believe she was really there.

"I can't believe you're really… you're really here" She rubbed his shoulders, to make sure he wouldn't just disappear again. It was all so crazy. She had gone to his funeral. She had seen him get buried next to his wife. She had cried over a gravestone that had his name. And she had only been able to dream with a moment just like this one. She had dreamt that he was alive and everything was all right. She had dreamt with this moment so many times indeed that now that it was actually happening, it was hard to believe it was for real.

Then an Asian man approached them and interrupted them politely. "Agent Bauer? Excuse me, but there's a call for you from your daughter"

Audrey smiled feeling so happy for Jack. His daughter's rejection had devastated him. Now it appeared to be that Kim had finally came around.

"From my daughter?" Jack found that hard to believe. Just a few hours before, Kim had left CTU after saying she wouldn't speak to him again. _'__I can't be around you. Any time I'm around you, people die'_.

"Yes, sir. Kim Bauer. It's been put through to a landline just inside that door" The man told him.

"Thank you" Jack nodded, still feeling dazed. He couldn't believe it. He could hardly believe his lucky strike. He had Audrey and Kim back. He assured Audrey with confidence, "I'll be right back. I promise"

"Take as long as you need. I'm not going anywhere", she promised him. Now that they were together again she would never leave him.

Jack kissed her again and finally he could tell her face to face "I love you". That was something until then he had only admitted over the phone. Then he promised her yet again "I'll be right back."

'_I love you too'_, Audrey thought to herself, lost in his greenish eyes. Then as she watched him leave, she nervously took her hand to her head, feeling very silly. '_Damn it, I should have said that out loud_'. But she would have time for that after he talked to his daughter. While she waited for him, she rehearsed in her mind everything she wanted to say to him, trying to find the cleverest and more accurate words to tell him how she felt.

Jack practically ran to make his way inside the building quickly. He needed to speak to his daughter urgently. He wanted so badly to do so, that he had questioned none of it. He never asked when, how or why they had reconnected the phones in that abandoned building. He never asked why the call had been patched through to a land line instead of to his cell phone. He just headed straight to take the call.

"Hey, Kim?" But before Jack even had time to realize that Kim wasn't on the line, a chloroform-soaked cloth was clapped over his mouth from behind. He desperately tried to struggle with his attacker and with another one that came fast into the room to hold him. Even though the men were ski-masked, Jack could realize to his horror what was actually going on. It had to be them. The Chinese had caught up with him.

Before blacking out, he took a glace through the window at Audrey, who was standing outside and smiling with absolutely no awareness of what was going on.

**YEAR 2018 – April 20****th****, Friday**

**4.30 AM -**** Chelsea, New York City – Jack's apartment **

_Agent Walker picked up the beautiful and innocent baby boy from his crib and gave him back to his mother. The child was fine, but Mrs. Vossler was rightfully outraged and yelled at her severely "you are a monster!"_

Renee woke up startled. She took a couple of deep breaths. Jack was sleeping peacefully right beside her. She was so relieved. A few nights back, she had a nightmare about Vladimir and she had hit Jack during her sleep. She had felt so mortified. But he had been incredibly understanding and sweet. Luckily, her latest bad dream had not affected him at all. At least that was a relief. She tried to go back to sleep. It was only 4.30 AM but it was pointless. She didn't even feel tired. She didn't feel sleepy. She just felt restless.

She went to the bathroom and took a shower. She allowed the hot water to run freely thought her shoulders and back to release some of the tension on her back. She couldn't understand why her nightmares always felt like living a past incident once again. It was like going back to some very painful moment in her dreams. And sometimes, it happened when she wasn't even sleeping.

When they made her talk to a shrink, after her undercover mission, the doctor diagnosed her with PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder). Renee had actually read some information about that condition before.

"_Post-traumatic stress disorder__, __PTSD__, is a severe anxiety disorder that can develop after exposure to any psychological traumatic. The victim usually presents one or more of the following symptoms: _

_A__- Persistent re-experience through flashback memories, recurring distressing dreams, subjective re-experiencing of the traumatic event(s), or intense negative psychological or physiological response to any objective or subjective reminder of the traumatic event(s). _

_B- __Difficulty falling or staying asleep._

_C- Problems with anger or concentration._

_D-__ Persistent avoidance and emotional numbing. __This involves: avoiding stimuli associated with the trauma, such as certain thoughts or feelings, or talking about the event; avoidance of behaviors, places, or people that might lead to distressing memories; inability to recall major parts of the trauma(s), or decreased involvement in significant life activities; decreased capacity (down to complete inability) to feel certain feelings; an expectation that one's future will be somehow constrained in ways not normal to other people." _

So after hearing the diagnosis, Renee Walker left the doctor's office not planning to go back, ever. She refused to listen to that kind of crap. It was absolutely nonsense. To her, that would mean she was weak. She would never accept that. She was a strong woman.

She left the shower and looked at her reflection in the mirror. She didn't look strong at all. She looked thin, pale and extremely tired. She shook her head disapprovingly while staring at her own reflection. But that at least was something she could change.

Renee put on a navy blue t-shirt and light-blue jeans, some new clothes she had gotten. Then, she combed her hair up in a neat pony tail. After that, she put on her make up. But she decided not to wear as much eyeliner this time. Instead, she just used some mascara, foundation, concealer, powder and a soft pink lipstick.

She looked herself at the mirror again. Except now she liked what she was seeing. She almost looked like the federal agent she used to be.

She made herself a strong coffee. As she drank it, she planned to read something and tried to figure out what. However, Jack's movie collection caught her interest. She had noticed it before, but now she considered watching a movie and checked out her collection. She took 'Casablanca'. Strangely, she had never seen it. But she had heard a lot of people say it was the greatest movie of all times. And Jack kept telling her repeatedly that she could borrow anything from him, at any time. So, he borrowed his computer that came with a DVD player. She sat on the couch with the computer on her lap and began watching 'Casablanca'.

An hour and a half later, Rick, played by Humphrey Bogart realized he had a duty to his country and he had to give up the love of his life, a woman named Ilsa, played by Ingrid Bergman. Near the end, the two lovers were sharing a tearful goodbye in a foggy airport.

"_But what about us?" _

"_We'll always have Paris. We didn't have it, we lost it until you came to Casablanca. We got it back last night."  
_

"_When I said I would never leave you."  
_

"_And you never will. But I've got a job to do, too. Where I'm going, you can't follow. What I've got to do, you can't be any part of. Ilsa, I'm no good at being noble, but it doesn't take much to see that the problems of three little people don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world. Someday you'll understand that. Now, now... Here's looking at you, kid."_

Renee found that so sad. He had to give her up but he knew their love would live forever in the happy memories they had shared when they were together in Paris. A lonesome tear actually ran through her cheek. It was strange, because she never ever cried over a movie.

"Renee, what are you doing?"

Renee startled, noticing Jack was right behind her for the first time. For some reason, he seemed outraged, shocked and a bit frightened, all at once. She stopped the film, with only last few minutes left, as she tried to explain herself awkwardly, "Oh, I'm sorry, Jack. I couldn't sleep, so I thought I could watch this movie"

Jack then felt like an asshole. It was only a classic movie. Everybody loved it, right? Why was he overreacting like that? He mumbled an apology. "Of course, you can. I'm sorry. Please, finish it. I'm gonna take a shower anyway".

As soon as he got into the bathroom, Jack took the medical case with the morphine. He desperately needed it. Why had he reacted so strongly when he saw Renee watching Casablanca? Obviously the movie made him think of Audrey. And, naturally, he felt extremely guilty because of the damage he had caused her. She was in a mental institution because of him. How could he ever forgive himself for that? But it wasn't just about Audrey. It was also the terrifying possibility of Renee ending up like her. He was so afraid to lose another incredible woman.

_Misfortunes__ always come in threes, don't they?_ He thought to himself and quickly he shook his head, chastening himself. Why had he even thought that? He had to stop with the stupid superstitious thinking.

He shot the morphine into his system to calm himself down and then took a shower while it kicked in. Once he felt better, he got dressed and headed to the kitchenette.

Renee was there making breakfast, as she liked to do lately. Jack noticed she was looking particularly beautiful this morning. But he couldn't tell why. He stared at her with curiosity until it hit him that she was looking slightly more like her old self. To him, she always looked gorgeous. But he knew that her current appearance meant she was feeling better, or was trying to feel better, on the inside. So it made him glad to watch her looking like that. He smiled pleased. He put his arms around her waist from behind and kissed her neck. "hey, I'm sorry about this morning, honey"

She turned around to face him and kissed him softly on the lips. She was truly not upset. She went back to the French toasts she was making and dismissed his former bad mood with a shrug. "No, I'm sorry. I should've asked before taking your things"

Jack looked at her inquisitively. "Do you really think that's what bothered me?"

"No, I know you don't mind sharing everything you have with me. You're incredibly generous, Jack. But I think you were upset because it was that particular movie." She had been able to sense some '_that's too personal_' vibes when Jack caught her watching the movie. She took a quick glance at him as she asked rhetorically "Am I right?"

"Yeah, it just gets to me." He admitted. But immediately he realized he would have to explain the reason, which he didn't want to do. So he rushed to tell her "But don't ask me why"

Renee was hiding so many things that she had no right to demand any explanation from him. She was curious though. But she simply was not entitled to ask. Instead, she shrugged. "I wasn't planning to"

Glad to hear that, he served coffee for the two of them and jumped at the opportunity to change the subject. "Why were you up so early anyway?"

"I wasn't tired" Renee replied nonchalantly and kept making breakfast, clearly uninterested in talking about that.

Jack shook his head and sighed deeply. He was already used to Renee not sharing a hell lot of information unless she had to, or she felt like it. He knew he had to humor her for the moment. Then he just went to pick up the newspapers as usual.

While they were having breakfast, Renee's cell phone went off. That threw her aback for a moment. Who could be calling her? She couldn't recognize the number she read in the little ID screen. "Hello?"

When Renee heard the person on the other side of the line she smiled pleasantly surprised as she said "oh, how are you?" Then she went to another room to talk privately.

Jack was completely puzzled. What was the big deal with that call? What exactly made it private? When she came back shortly after, he just couldn't control his curiosity "Renee, I can't let them all go. What was that about?"

"It's okay. It was just my friend Leo" She replied casually, as she sat back next to Jack to finish her breakfast.

"What friend?" Instantly, he guessed it had to be that guy from Brooklyn who was going to get her the papers to leave the country. That was so NOT ok. His face became somber. Then, looking at her straight in the eyes, he asked directly "Renee, are you gonna leave?"

His reaction confirmed her that he didn't want her to. She sighed relieved. She had to be doing something right. Then, she moved her chair closer to his, caressed his cheek and never took her gaze away from his gorgeous light blue eyes. "No, Jack. I'm not leaving. I don't want to, okay? I want to stay with you"

He knew she was being honest. But he once he had gotten in paranoid-agent mode, it wasn't so easy to switch back. "Then why is he calling you?"

"He doesn't know I changed my plans. He is undercover. I can't just call him to talk. He calls me when it's safe and gives me a secure time and location for a meeting"

"Oh, so... you actually changed your mind?" Now he was melting. But he tried not to show it.

"Yes, I'm just going to tell him I'm not going to Germany anymore"

"I'm glad" he said sincerely, and smiled a bit awkwardly. It was so hard for him to show he actually needed some other person.

**2 PM – Metropolitan Museum of Art**

Renee walked to the specific section of the museum in which she was supposed to meet Leo. Soon she saw him. She approached him cautiously, to see whether he gave her any kind of warning or they could talk freely.

He seemed happy to see her and greeted her warmly "hi, gorgeous! How are you?"

She was happy to realize the coast was clear. "Hey, I'm fine. So, what have you been up to?"

"Let's go to the cafeteria. I'll tell you over some cappuccinos"

A few minutes later, they were having the cappuccinos and Leo took a brown envelope from his bag and handed it to Renee. "That's the whole package"

Now she felt embarrassed. She had made him do all that for nothing. "Thank you so much, Leo. I really appreciate what you did, but, I'm not leaving the country after all"

"What?" he was very surprised, because she had seemed so desperate to get away from everything.

"I'm sorry. I know you made a huge effort. And took a huge risk..."

He shrugged. "Forget about that. I'm just curious. Tell me what happened"

She didn't know how to explain it or where to begin. It had all happened in such a strange manner. "Well, remember that guy I told you about, Jack Bauer?"

"Yes, the guy who worked with you that day. You had to pull him out some senate hearings, right? You told me about how he always saves people and punishes the bad guys, so you wanted to do things his way, which led you to the Alan Wilson incident."

Renee flinched at the sound of Wilson's name. She could hear him screaming in pain. Then she snapped back to reality and shook her head. She stated firmly "those hearings were unfair! Jack deserves a medal for what he did to save this country"

"Relax, Renee. I was just telling you what I remember. So, what does Bauer have to do with you not leaving?"

Renee took a sip of her cappuccino, trying to delay a little bit giving the explanation, because she had no idea in which words to put it. "See? Here is the thing... I'm with him now"

Leo was puzzled. "What do you mean?"

"What I said. I'm with him. I ran into him in the park three weeks ago. He asked me out and I've been staying in his place almost since then"

"Wait, hold on, gorgeous. Are you living with him already?"

"Yes, I know it's too soon and things are going very fast. But it's where I want to be. He's good to me, Leo"

"Then I'm glad. You just took me by surprise. I mean, I thought he was just this guy you worked with for a day like a year ago… Wait, how come he didn't ask you out back then?"

Renee then remembered she hadn't explained about Jack's sickness. "He got infected with a deadly pathogen, got sick and went into a coma"

Leo shook his head like thinking 'typical' and teased her, "If I had a nickel every time I hear that excuse"

She clucked softly and hit his shoulder playfully. Then she explained "he did call when he woke up though… But I… I was no condition to talk to anybody"

"Tell me about it" He huffed. He had tried contacting him as well, to no avail. It had been a real pity how she had isolated herself. But with a much serious tone, he told her "But the important thing is that you're with him now, and you are doing much better"

Leo couldn't deny she was better than he had ever seen her. He even noticed her appearance had changed in a good way. She was no longer the gloomy and severely depressed woman who had shown up in Brooklyn a month ago, desperate for a way out.

"I honestly can't believe it… I mean, it's all happening so fast… But he's truly great" She said with a smile that actually reached her eyes.

He smiled with satisfaction. "What can I say? I'm so happy for you."

"There's a thing though" she said suddenly becoming a bit sad and uncomfortable again.

"What is it?"

"Remember when you visited me to the hospital and I told you that secret?"

"Yeah" he nodded. He was surprised that she had shared that secret with a new boyfriend. Maybe she was working on her intimacy issues. Yeah, and he was the reincarnation of Eliot Ness. He asked a bit skeptical "Bauer knows already? What did he say?"

"That's the thing. He doesn't know" Renee explained, not adding that she was terrified of what he would think one he found out.

So far, he didn't see a problem. "Well, your relationship is just starting. You can tell him when it moves forward"

"But... should I let it move forward, given what I know?"

That totally lost him. "I'm not sure if I'm following you..."

Renee sighed frustrated. It was so painful to say it all out loud. "Jack already has a grown daughter, and a grandkid. But what if...? And I'm not saying he does or that he will... but what if he ever wants another child?"

"Don't you think is too soon for you to think about that?" He made the question rhetorically.

"It is too soon. I know that. But I can't help it." She acknowledged with an irritated tone. She was angry with herself for not being able to keep her emotions under control. Then she softened her tone, and said sadly "Yes, I'm getting way ahead of my self... but I've seen him with his grandkid. He misses it. I can tell". She could tell Jack missed having a child around. She immediately added defensively "And I know that right now he's not even thinking about all this because we're just starting. It's way too early in the relationship to have that talk." She sighed and concluded with her voice breaking "But what if later on he realizes being with me is a terrible mistake?"

She looked down, biting her lip and trying to hold back her tears. Leo could see she was in a lot of pain and he could read her like a book. But he also realized that her strong emotions were clouding her judgment and were preventing from thinking clearly. "Listen to me… you are making far too many assumptions way too soon. First of all, he would be a moron if he thinks for a second that being with you is a mistake. Second of all, what makes you think is impossible for you to have a baby if you try?"

"You know what they told me back then"

"They never said it was impossible, just highly unlikely" He reminded her gently.

"It's practically the same" Renee protested stubbornly. She didn't want to count on that tiny little chance she had only to get her heart broken. She preferred to accept the facts, as painful as they were.

"No, it's not" He pointed out what should be obvious for her, getting upset. He shook his head and huffed frustrated. "Gee, for such a smart woman you can be such a dumbass sometimes"

"Hey, who is a dumbass?" she protested hitting his shoulder, but in a friendly manner. She knew he wasn't trying to insult her but to make her see his point.

"I'm sorry. But I'm just saying... you haven't even talked to any doctor about that in like, what? Six years? And it's not like you ever actually tried to get pregnant. You are not like one of those women who try for years every treatment in the universe without getting results. So what makes you think it's so impossible?"

"Leo, stop, please. I know you want me to feel better and have some hope. But that will only devastate me more when it doesn't happen. I'm tired of fighting only to lose every time"

He could hardly believe her. "So you prefer not fighting at all? Since when?"

She showed him the scars, even though he already knew about that. "Since I'm scared I might lose my mind like that again. If I dare hoping even for a second, and then..."

Her voice started to break, she looked down again and one single tear rolled down her cheek. Leo took the seat right next to her and held her. "Hey, it'll be okay"

"You don't understand. He cares about me. He wants me with him. What if I let him down? What if I never get over any of this? I'm too scared of losing him and my mind."

"I know you are scared. But it sounds to me that you have found a great man, who wants you. You are starting a new relationship, your first great relationship in many years. That's something we should be celebrating with some Cosmopolitans, gorgeous."

That at least got half smile from her. "I'm so happy to have him. I really am. But at the same time, it's just too good to be true. When I think about the future, and the possibility that I might lose him..."

"Then don't think about that. Just take a good look at what you have and enjoy it. Because you are missing it"

"Missing what?" She shook her head in confusion.

"All the romance and the joy that come at the beginning of a relationship. Enjoy that. When it's time, you can worry and obsess all you want about the other things".

"So, in other words, I should worry about crossing that bridge when I get there?" She absorbed the meaning of his advice. It sounded so simple, but extremely hard at the same time.

"Yes, that's what I'm saying" He confirmed grinning.

Later, it was time for him to leave. But as he walked away, he turned around and said "Oh, and, gorgeous... you only lose when you give up. Remember that."

**4**** PM – Plaza Garden Cafeteria **

Chloe walked into a nice cafeteria that was only two blocks from her work place. She desperately needed at least a short break from the people she worked for. She had been working non-stop since her first day in the city. She was used to work hard, without sleeping much. But her new boss and colleagues annoyed her, like most new people generally did. So when Jack Bauer called her asking if they could meet to chat, she accepted gladly. It was so nice to be able to catch up with her best friend, her only real friend, actually. She saw Jack and they greeted each other. They sat at the table and ordered coffees.

Jack noticed Chloe looked very tired. "So, tell me, are things better at work?"

Chloe wrinkled her nose. "Let's see... I work for an arrogant jerk, I have to report to a woman who is so perfect and keeps putting me down. And there's a guy who apparently _wants_ to be sued for sexual harassment"

Jack clucked softly. It certainly didn't seem like a nice picture. But he believed Chloe was overreacting because estrangers made her uncomfortable. "I bet you'll be fine"

"I like my job." She wanted to make clear that it was not all that bad. She just hated being 'the new girl' in the office. "I just wish I could catch up faster. And I wish I didn't have to deal with those people"

Jack smiled. Chloe didn't like dealing with people. Period. In her life she had made few friends, but he was happy to be one of them. "So, who is doing my job now?"

"Agent Cole Ortiz. He seems fine. He's young, smart. He's a great agent. He's like a new you" Immediately after saying that, Chloe regretted it instantly and cursed herself. She had the tendency to just speak honestly without thinking about how other's feelings first. She rushed to apologize "I'm sorry"

Jack looked down feeling momentarily a bit jealous. It was tough being replaced. But he had better things to do with his life "It's fine, Chloe. I don't care about the CTU anymore. Actually, I have some news..."

At that moment, the waiter brought their coffees and Jack was thankful for the interruption. He felt kind of awkward. He wasn't one to discuss his personal life with anybody, ever. But he was feeling kind of unsettled. And he had nobody else to turn to.

"What's going on?" She was confused by the fact that he had just said 'I have news' but then stopped talking. She was more used to people just talking fast, in CTU-crisis-mode.

"Do you remember Renee Walker?"

"Well, yes" Chloe just looked puzzled by the question. As if she could forget the federal agent she and Bill Buchanan once had to unbury and resuscitate. "Have you heard anything from her?"

Now came the really awkward part. "Actually, for the last few weeks she... she's been staying with me"

Chloe was absolutely stunned; "wow... really? What does it mean?"

Jack got pissed. First Kim and now Chloe" Why did everybody cared so damn much about what it meant? _'Renee's with me and I'm happy. So probably that means she's doomed' _he thought to himself. Then he felt like a total idiot. He was trying not to be superstitious. He didn't want to be. But there was one phrase, though, he couldn't get off his head… _misfortunes always come in threes_.

Chloe was getting nervous since Jack wasn't saying a word.

Finally, he realized that if he wanted a friend to talk to, he would have to actually do some talking. "It means she and I are together now"

Chloe nodded. The more time she had to process the information, the less surprised she felt. Renee Walker was smart, honest, strong-minded, fearless, tough but also brutal and ruthless when she had to. So, yeah, it sounded like Jack's type. It was simply shocking that they had taken such a huge step like living together so soon and after not seeing each other for a year. The data analyst wrinkled her nose uncomfortably, trying to look in her mind the correct response to all that information. What did a friend normally say when a friend gets a new girlfriend? She muttered tentatively "congratulations?" Jack seemed surprised about that for a moment, so Chloe thought she had said the wrong thing. "Sorry, it's just... you and Renee. That's a good thing, right? It's good news"

"It's good. It's very good. Thank you" Jack confirmed nodding.

Chloe remembered when she first started dating her husband, Morris. It had been all so romantic, exiting and she felt like she was floating. But Jack didn't seem like that at all. "Jack, is something wrong?"

"No, no... It's just, see? I'm so happy to be with her. But at the same time I'm thinking... wait, I'm too happy. Something horrible will happen and it will be my fault"

Now Chloe felt like an idiot. Of course Jack felt like that. She should have realized faster that Jack was scared of dating again because of his personal history. She felt suddenly bad for him. "Oh, don't go there"

"I'm already there. She… she is… she means a lot to me" merely admitting that out laud had been extremely difficult. "I haven't felt this way since…" Realizing what name he was about to say, he stopped dryly before it could escape his lips. The conversation was so over. "You know what? Forget it, Chloe."

Chloe took Jack's hand in comfort. "It's okay. I know. And I know what you must be thinking. But stop thinking like that. It won't be the same. Renee is not Audrey"

Jack flinched at the mere sound of that name. "I hope you are right, or so help me God…"

"Jack, I can only imagine what's on your mind. But seriously, you have to stop. You deserve to be happy. If you found somebody you care about, enjoy it without obsessing about everything that can go wrong. Look, you already went through so much. I think now is your turn to be happy" Chloe advised candidly.

Jack nodded thinking his smart friend had made a very valid point.

**6 PM**** - Chelsea, New York City – Jack's apartment **

After Chloe had to go back to do her job, Jack wandered around Manhattan for a while doing a lot of thinking. Then he went back to his apartment and got laid on the couch, feeling exhausted. _Misfortunes always come in threes. Three._ Why he had gotten stuck thinking that number? He knew why. He couldn't deny it, at least not to himself. He was falling madly and deeply in love for the third time in his life. But that also meant a third lost waiting to happen.

Renee opened the door and came inside the apartment. She had been walking around a lot and doing a lot of thinking as well. Even though she couldn't admit how she was feeling, she just knew it. It was terrifying, but she knew she was falling in love, truly in love. She didn't want to miss that because of her fears. "Hey, I'm back"

Jack took a look at her. She was back. He smiled feeling good again. "Hey, come here" he greeted as he opened his arms to invite her to seat on his lap. She did, and then she softly brushed her lips against his. He melted in a passionate kiss. "Renee, did I already tell I'm so glad you are here? I don't want to let you go"

Listening that from his lips made her feel as if a lot of weigh had been taken away from her. She needed him so much more than she wanted to admit. She nodded and, looking into his gorgeous greenish eyes, she confessed "Good, because here is where I want to be, okay? I don't want you to let me go"

"Okay, as long as that's clear..."

"Nothing else matters" she finished for him without missing a beat and kissed him urgently.

He got lost in that moment savoring her kiss. He knew exactly what he was feeling, even though he couldn't say the exact words. At least not yet.

**TO BE CONTINUED...**

**(Please, tell me what you think. I'd like your most honest opinion. Thanks!)**


	14. You jump, I jump

**AUTHORS NOTE:** Thank you very much to all of you for reading this.

I always try to research some basic facts before writing a chapter. And this one deals with Jack getting detox. In real life, withdrawal symptoms start over 6 hours after the last fix, and they reach a peek almost two days after that, they can last over a week. Here I made them last a few days. But I think it's realistic enough because it really depends on each individual. I dunno.

**SERIES: Everything went downhill from there**

**PART ONE: A total eclipse of the heart**

**Previously:** Jack was working undercover in Mexico and became addicted to heroin (Day 3 of 24). His neurological condition made brought that addiction back, except that now he's using morphine. Renee promised to be there to help him get detox after his last lumbar puncture (Chapter 9) Jack is scared that he's cursed. Renee is not over her many issues. But they decided to continue their relationship anyway. Kim is not happy about her dad dating Renee.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own 24. It belongs to fox, Joel Surnow, Robert Cochran and Howard Gordon.

**CHAPTER 14**

**YOU JUMP, I JUMP**

**YEAR 2018 – May 7****th**** - Monday**

**07 A****M - Chelsea, New York City – Jack's apartment **

_Renee__ aimed her loaded gun at a baby boy who had his mother's red hair, freckled face and his father's eyes and nose. The baby was crying desperately lifting his arms so she would hold him. He was barely six months old. She wasn't moved at all. She felt nothing. All Renee saw when she looked at him was a tiny version of his father. So with a straight face, she pulled the trigger and put a bullet on the child's head. _

Renee woke up absolutely horrified by her dream. She took a couple of deep breaths as reality sunk in. It had been only a bad dream. As she tried to catch her breath, she had to remind herself… _I didn't kill Vladimir's baby. It was a miscarriage... I didn't do it... I didn't kill that baby._ She knew she had done nothing to provoke the lost of that baby. But she also knew she had felt glad it happened though. To her, that was just as terrible. She had felt glad that child was gone.

She felt so incredibly sick. An abrupt wave of nausea hit her strongly. She had to rush to the toilet to throw up.

Jack was already up, reading the newspaper. As soon as he saw Renee practically running to the bathroom, he got very concerned. He stood outside the bathroom door, which was now locked, to check on her. He could hear her vomiting a couple of times. After a while, he heard her washing her hands, her teeth and face. When she finally came out the bathroom looking a bit pale, he put his arms around her protectively. "What's wrong?"

"Just food poisoning, I'll be fine" She was only half-lying. There was definitely poison involved. Except it was actually the Russian's poison on her soul. She just couldn't admit that out loud.

He rubbed her back tenderly. "I warned you about eating hot dogs from the street"

Renee rolled her eyes and said sarcastically "Oh, Jack Bauer was proven right once again. You can imagine my shock"

Jack gave her an arrogant smirk and then put his arms around her waist as they walked to the kitchen.

Once there, Renee made herself some tea and started eating compulsively some cheese crackers. "So, Jack, at what time do we have to be at the hospital?"

"Kim will pick us up around nine" he said while fixing some scrambled eggs and bacon for breakfast.

"Great" she said not being able to help a sarcastic tone.

Jack understood the reason for her sarcasm. Kim insisted on hating Renee for inexplicable reasons, which put him in a very crappy position. "Look, I already told her to be nicer. Frankly, I don't understand why she's acting like such a spoiled teen"

She gave him a '_You really don't?_' "Jack, Isn't it obvious? You two are finally close as a family, but suddenly this stranger is getting in the way"

Jack could guess it was really about California. But he hadn't dared to talk to Renee about L.A. yet. He still didn't know if he even wanted to go. Would she agree to go with him if he decided to go with his family? He wasn't ready to find that out yet. First he wanted to figure out how he felt about moving, either way. Kim was probably upset because he wasn't giving her an answer yet. His daughter probably blamed innocent Renee for that. He assured her with conviction "Honey, believe me, you are not in the way. All right?"

"But she thinks I am" Renee just pointed out what she had seen clearly.

"Maybe if you talked to her, she would see you're not a threat" He suggested casually as he served breakfast for both of them.

"What? I can't talk to her. You talk to her. She's your daughter"

He got closer to her, and massaged her shoulders. Then he talked with his typical sexy and velvety voice. "But sweetheart, if you talked to her, she would get to know you better and she wouldn't see you as a stranger"

"We'll see" Renee said not promising anything. She knew Jack long enough to know that he was a loving father, but way too soft with his daughter. She had heard Kimberly Bauer had been a rebellious teen who fought a lot with Teri, since Jack was the one playing 'good cop' when his kid misbehaved. That was so easy for Renee to picture. It had been the exact dynamic in the Walker family until the Captain died in the Gulf War.

**0****8.15 AM**

Renee was in the bedroom about to change into her regular clothes. But Jack prevented her from doing so by holding her tightly from behind and kissing her neck. Jack thought she had never looked sexier. He absolutely adored the fact that she liked to sleep wearing only a t-shirt and her panties. Now she was wearing her pink t-shirt that said 'The best man for the job is a woman'. He whispered to her "You know? I could just jump you right now"

Renee giggled softly. "We have to get change to go to the hospital"

"Why? My idea is much more fun"

"Hold that thought for a better time, Bauer" Renee told him grinning as he groaned in protest. Then she changed into a simple white shirt with thin vertical blue strips and a pair of jeans. When she was standing in front of the mirror, putting on her earrings, Jack approached from behind, now in his normal clothes.

He put his arms around her waist and kissed her neck again. "Hey, are you feeling better?"

She turned around to face him to be more convincing. "Yes. So don't worry about it, okay. Today is all about you"

It wasn't just about the end of his treatment. It was also about the beginning of his detox process. That was so not tempting for him. He knew in his mind that he had to do it. But he needed those drugs to feel calm and in control. "Maybe… maybe we should cancel…"

Knowing what he was about to say next, she cut him right off "Jack, don't even think about it. You'll get clean… that's that." Then she put her hands over his shoulders and assured him "I'll be here"

Jack looked down at his feet. That was another problem. It was so humiliating for him knowing Renee would watch him during the detox process. "Look, Renee, I'm gonna say something that's going to sound bad…" Then he looked into her eyes to make her realize he was serious. "but I need you to listen and let me finish. Maybe… maybe you should leave only for a few days. Just so you don't have to see me while I get detox. Just until it's over"

Renee couldn't even believe what she was hearing. "What?"

"I'll get clean. I give you my word. But you shouldn't be here" Soon after he said that, he realized how it had sounded. So he rushed to clarify "I'm only trying to protect you. I don't want you to see me like that. It will get so ugly. I need you here. I really do. But the idea of you watching me like that…"

Renee understood what he meant. She knew very well that Jack hated to show any weakness. She hated showing weakness too. But he just couldn't get clean without any help whatsoever. He just couldn't. He had to quit using drugs and she had to help him get through detox. That was so much more important than his massive ego. As she rubbed his shoulders, and pierced his eyes with hers, she put her foot down. "Now you listen to me, Jack. You'll get clean, and we are in this together. You jump, I jump, remember?"

**12 AM**

Kim helped a very sleepy Jack to get in bed and placed carefully a pillow under his head. Once she was sure her father was resting comfortably, she exited the bedroom and closed the door. Before leaving the apartment, she looked for Renee in the kitchenette just to tell her she was leaving. "So, Ms. Walker, I should get going, if my dad needs me, you know where to find me"

Renee hated how Kim kept calling her 'Ms. Walker' with a very cold tone. But for Jack, she tried to make an effort to get along with his daughter. "Wait, Kim… why don't we have a cup of coffee first? Just for a few minutes"

Kim thought perhaps that wasn't such a bad idea. She had a few minutes before work. And without her dad around, she could get more information about Ms. Renee Cryptic. She shrugged."Fine. Why not?"

"So, how is little Teri?" Renee asked with genuine interest as she began making the coffee.

"She's good. Steve took her to Disney World. But I couldn't go because of work. I'm training my replacement"

"Right, you are moving back to California in two weeks. You must be so excited"

"Of course, it's great to finally go home" Kim said. But she was suddenly feeling very disturbed by the image of Renee using the electric coffee maker like it was in her own apartment.

"And what did you like the most about New York?" Renee asked casually, thinking wrongly that a harmless conversation about the city would be a good way to break the ice. But the topic was far from being neutral.

"Definitely the museums. Now I see why my mom loved coming here. She was so passionate about art"

Renee smiled as she served the coffees and took a seat. "I know. And I heard she was also a great designer"

"How do you know about her work?" She was genuinely surprised.

"Because you dad talks a lot about her, Kim". Renee hoped that would make the younger woman feel better. She took the cream and handed it to Kim for her coffee. Then she noticed the red mark on her wrists were showing. She had no idea Kim had already seen them. There was a really awkward and long silence in the room while Renee mentally cursed herself. "Look, Kim, it's no big deal. I just had a rough time after leaving the FBI. But I'm fine now"

Kim had not intended to talk about that. It was just too awkward. "It's okay, I understand, Ms. Walker"

"I'm Renee. Not Ms. Walker" She corrected gently the younger woman.

"Fine." She groaned, and then added "But I do understand you. I also had some very rough times in my life."

"I know, Kim" Renee said sympathetically. But then she realized that had come off a bit presumptuous. So she added as an explanation "I meant… I had to read your father's file… So, I know what you've been through. I can only imagine how you felt"

"So… you know he had to fake his own death then?" She asked for confirmation. When the former agent nodded, Kim continued "that was the most horrible time. I was in such a bad place… I was needed help. So I went to therapy like people said I should…"

"Did that help? Does therapy work?" Renee asked, with genuine curiosity.

"It did for me… but just not the first time. See? I… I winded up dating my therapist, who was as old as my father. That didn't work." But Kim wasn't just sharing all that because she liked to. She had an ulterior motive. Before Renee could say anything, she added "you know? I was trying to magically solve all my problems by being with an older man I saw as my savior… I just wanted to be rescued" She was obviously hinting Renee was doing the same with Jack, which was one of the things Kim feared so much. Finally, she concluded with a final punch. "After that, I met Steve, who I really love. But to be in a healthy relationship, I had to fix my own life first"

Renee resented the implication that she was just using Jack. But she acknowledged there was a truth inside those words. Her own life was a mess, how could she be in a relationship? Honestly, she had no idea how to react to what Kim what saying. "As I said, I can only imagine how hard it was for you, with everything that happened… but I'm truly glad things are much better for you now"

"Thank you" Then, to be fair with the former agent, she added "I do owe you a lot of that to you, Ms. Walker… that day in DC. You saved my dad… and my relationship with him"

"I was a messenger. Nothing more" Renee stated with honest humility. Then she tried to deliver a message of her own "I did that because I care about your dad, Kim."

"I could see that" she admitted sincerely. But things were so different now. That day she would have loved nothing more than to see Agent Walker with her father. But the redhead in front of her at the moment was just another much damaged lady needing to be rescued. Was Renee truly into Jack or just wanted a savior? Kim couldn't tell, but she just couldn't stop thinking of Audrey in a mental hospital, with almost identical scars on her wrists. She just thought that after all that pain, her dad deserved something different. "Ms. Walker, you said my dad talks about my mom. But does he ever mention Audrey Raines?"

"No, he never says anything about her. But I know what your dad's file says about her" Renee explained uncomfortably. She had read in the file that Audrey Heller Raines was Jack's girlfriend and tried to rescue him from the Chinese, but was tortured herself and could never recover mentally. She really didn't like the fact that Kim had brought Audrey into this talk.

"My dad could never forgive himself for what happened to her." Kim stated sadly. "And before her, he dated the sister of a terrorist and the abused wife of a drug lord… not to mention his affair with Nina Myers…" Kim's face darkened at the mere mention of that name.

Renee's face darkened as well. She could see where Kim was going and she didn't like one bit of it. "Look, I know your dad has suffered a lot. And I know he blames himself whenever something bad happens."

Kim cut her off drily. "I just don't want him to get hurt again. He's already been through so much"

"You think I'll hurt him? I would never hurt him" Renee assured her positively.

Kim was sure none of the others, except Nina, had attempted to hurt him either. But he had winded up devastated time after time. "Look, I hardly know you. So, don't take it personal. But frankly, after everything my dad's been through I think he deserves, for once, a woman who is hassle-free"

In other words: Jack needed somebody normal, for a change. Renee already knew that much. And she felt harshly slapped by the reminder of how wrong she was for Jack. All she could mutter was, "I don't know what to tell you".

Kim had already expressed her opinion. And, really, that was all she could do. At least she had gotten that out of her chest. They were adults. She stood up and took her purse as she said "You don't need to tell me anything. If you excuse me, Ms. Walker, I should go back to work"

Renee sighed sadly as she watched the younger woman leave upset the apartment.

**1 PM**

Renee walked sheepishly into Jack's bedroom. She had to stop thinking about what Kim had said. She had promised to help Jack with his detox process. So her undivided attention had to be on that. He was lying awake on the bed. He gave her a weak smile and patted the empty space next to him, indicating that he wanted Renee to lie next to him. She took off her shoes, and climbed to her side of the bed. "So, how're you feeling?"

"I'm fine…" Jack pulled her closer to let her rest her head on his shoulder. But he knew he was fine because the effects of the anesthetics given to him for the lumber puncture still haven't worn off completely. He had even drifted off to a short slumber. Now he had woken up but felt no pain. Renee had with one hand on his chest, so he took it, feeling her support. "So, could you talk to Kim, sweetheart?"

"Yes, we had a coffee together" She replied a bit awkwardly.

"What did you talk about?"

'_Well… it was a nice chat __basically about me being too crazy to be with you'_ that was something Renee obviously couldn't tell him. Instead, she put lovingly one finger on his mouth. "Shh… You shouldn't be talking right now, you should rest. You have some very long hours ahead"

**1.30 PM**

Regardless of how inadequate she was for Jack, at that moment she had to be there for him. Renee had to help him and prepare herself for the very worst. After getting rid of every narcotic left in the apartment, she locked the front door, just in case Jack tried to escape when he got too desperate for drugs.

She made sure there was enough mineral water to keep him hydrated. After that, she placed an empty bucket near his bed in case he needed to throw up but couldn't make it to the toilet. Once that was ready, she separated two hand towels and put them in the night stand. Then she got ready a medical equipment to electronically measure his blood pressure and heart rate.

Renee desperately searched her brain trying to think of something else that might help. It felt like preparations for a hurricane. There was no way to stop it. There was no way to make it better. It was going to get ugly, and that was that. All she could do was let it go by.

**5 PM**

The first few hours passed by smoothly. Since Jack wasn't showing any withdrawal symptoms yet. After he woke up from a short slumber, Renee distracted him with conversations about books, movies and New York. Also, they talked a little bit about their high school years.

Then it was time for him to eat something. He had to, even though he may not feel like it. But since soon he'd be feeling really sick, it had to be a light meal. So Renee brought him some rice and a soup. Jack tried to take a bite, but his hand was already trembling, which made very difficult taking the fork to his mouth. He just dropped it frustrated. "Damn it!"

"It's okay, Jack. I can help you" Renee suggested gently as she took the fork and tried to feed Jack some rice.

"Forget it! I'm not even hungry" He said firmly feeling deeply mortified.

"Yes, you are. You need to eat something. You haven't eaten since breakfast"

"I said I'm not hungry" He snapped loudly. He was already feeling the effects of the drug deprivation. Immediately, he felt like an asshole for yelling at her. But he couldn't control himself. He just looked down feeling bad.

Renee was unfazed. She simply handed him the soup bowl and gave him a straw, so he wouldn't need to use any spoon, and suggested gently "Try this"

Since he could he could drink the soup just fine that way, Renee went to the kitchen, put the rice away and made him a cheese sandwich, which he could eat without using any silverware.

A few minutes later, Jack had at least eaten a few bites of his meal. He even gave her a tiny smile in appreciation for being so nice to him. "Thank you, honey"

"You are welcome. So, how are you feeling?"

He replied simply by showing her his hands that were trembling and looked at her sadly. He was losing control over his own body, and he hated that. Definitely she understood him. But there wasn't much she could do about it. Renee just took firmly his hands between hers, holding then steady.

**7 PM**

Now his head was aching, he had started to sweat, and his temblors were getting much worse. Renee lovingly put a cold wet towel on his head trying to give him some relief.

"_Look at yourself, you have lost everyone and everything you ever had by doing what you think is necessary. I won't let you do it to her, Bauer. Renee will not end up like you."_ Larry Moss's harsh words kept repeating over and over again in Jack's head.

Jack was feeling not only embarrassed but also deeply guilty. Renee had indeed turned into him and lost everything. However, there she was, taking care of him. He felt like less than a weasel. He felt like a piece of shit. He pushed harshly her hand away from him. She shouldn't be taking care of him. He didn't deserve it. Abruptly, he felt a very strong wave of nausea and rushed to the bathroom.

Renee instinctively followed him, but he shut the bathroom door practically on her face. She heard him throwing up. Then she sat by the tip of the bed feeling helpless with her face between her hands. She hated so much to see him suffering. But she brushed the tears that were dampening her eyelashes and stood up with determination. She had to be strong. She had to be as strong as she could be for him. When Jack finally came out the bathroom, she helped him get back in bed. He began shivering as the room seemed so much colder for him somehow.

Renee knew he would feel cold flashes alternating with hot ones. She took an extra blanket and wrapped his trembling body with it. She then caressed his cheek and asked sweetly "Is that better?"

Jack didn't know if it was the drug deprivation, the guilt or just the embarrassment he felt for needing someone so much, but out of the blue he felt completely furious. He pushed her away from him yelling "Stop it!"

Renee knew she just had to be patient and stay out of his way for a moment.

Jack was craving strongly for the drugs. He wanted them so desperately. He got up from the bed and frenetically searched every inch of his apartment for them. Breaking stuff in the process, slamming cabinet doors and yelling loudly "damn it!" like seventeen times. Then he felt a way of nausea and rushed to the bathroom again. He knelt on the floor and threw up almost the entire content of his stomach. It was so frustrating. He felt so sick. He needed the drugs. He needed them to feel good again, to be in control. But he was helpless.

He could remember many years ago being in a dark room in the Salazar's house, his was body shaking abruptly, then Claudia came in, slapped him across the face and said _"Look at you, you are pathetic"_

Now the fact that he was feeling so pathetic was making his blood boil. He suddenly started punching the walls unleashing all his anger in a wave of rage.

As soon as Renee heard him, she headed quickly into the bathroom. If he kept hitting the walls like that, he was going hurt himself. She held him as strongly as she could from behind and tried in vain to pull him away from the wall. "Jack, please, stop! Stop it!"

"Go away!" Jack shouted, trying not to look at her. He was so angry, so out of control. He hated himself and the entire world at that moment. But he didn't want to do something horrible and unforgivable like punching her. So he unleashed his fury by hitting the wall. "Just go away!"

She shook her head. She was so scared for him. He was hitting the wall so hard that she could see a bit of blood coming from his knuckles. She couldn't let him go on and hurt himself. "I'm not going anywhere if you need to hit something… hit me"

He turned around abruptly and raised his hand. But as soon as he looked at the expression on her face, his mood changed abruptly. At first, he was in shock. She had meant it. She looked truly sad, but was making no attempt to duck or even to protect her face. It was like she thought she deserved getting hit, or that he beating her would be acceptable for some reason. And then he felt terrified of himself because he had nearly done it. He had been truly close. But he shook his head, and leaned defeated with his back against the wall. All the sudden, he was deeply depressed. "I… I can't do this"

Renee put her hands over his shoulders, looked at him in the eyes, and spoke firmly. "Yes, you can. You can do this. I know it's awful. And it will get worse before it gets better. But I give you my word, you are gonna make it through this. It'll be over soon. You just have to hold on. If somebody can do that, it's you." Then she pulled him close to her for a tight embrace.

Jack couldn't help crumbling down completely in sobs.

**9 PM**

Jack was back in his bed. He was sweating like a pig, suffering from strong hot flashes. Renee kept a towel damped with cold water on his forehead. Now his entire body was starting to shake. "Renee, I'm so sorry. I can't believe you are here, being this nice to me, after what I did to you… I'm sorry"

"You are not making any sense, Jack… you were nothing but wonderful to me ever since…."

"Stop it! Don't say I'm wonderful… I ruin everything. What you did to Wilson… everything else you did that day… was because of me".

"Because of you? You feel guilty for what did?" she asked in profound disbelief.

'_I've known this woman for nine years, and I've never seen her do the kind of things she's done in the last nine hours.' _Larry's words were still like a dagger in Jack's heart.

"It's just… I know you were different before… Larry told me you changed that day…"

Renee was now seriously hurt and offended. She understood that the lack of drugs made Jack weak, sick, in pain, vulnerable, extremely angry and aggressive. And she also understood those feelings would be multiplied by a thousand. But she definitely knew what he had meant what he had just said. That hadn't been just the drug deprivation talking. She couldn't believe him. "I know what Larry thought. He believed you had brainwashed me somehow… but you Jack? You believe that too?"

Of course it was ridiculous to think anybody could manipulate Renee like that. But Jack still felt guilty for not advising her better, for not being a better teacher. "I know you made your own choices…"

Before he could go on, she interrupted him dryly. "Damn straight! It was my choice. And I have news for you… I had crossed that line already. I crossed it years before you met me"

Jack stared at her pretty surprised by that. "What do you mean?"

Renee tried to hold back her tears as she finally admitted painfully "everything I did that day, everything I was that day… It was all already in me when I met you. I wasn't nearly as good as Larry thought I was"

Agent Walker was the decent one, the one with compassion. She fought evil fiercely and fearlessly but at the same time believed in the basic rules of fair play. Nevertheless, little by little, Vladimir started killing that woman. And when he was out of Walker's life his job continued. However, Renee Walker was a fighter. She was her father's daughter after all. So she put up a good fight. She struggled to stay alive and in control for as long as possible. She refused to be defeated. But the day she met Jack Bauer it was game over for her. The other Renee got suddenly all the strength and ammunitions necessary to succeed. Torturing Alan Wilson was merely the last nail in the good agent's coffin.

Jack was about to tell her that she was exactly like Larry thought. But suddenly his headache grew too intense and all he could do was flinch in pain. Renee immediately wrapped up some ice in the towel, put it on Jack's head and then in the back of his neck. She was now worried only about giving him some relief.

**May 8****th**** DETOX - DAY TWO **

**6 AM**

Jack had been feeling terrible all night as the symptoms progressed. Now they had reached their maximum point. He felt like he was burning in hell. He was soaking in sweat. And his entire body was just uncontrollable and hurting to the point it was impossible for him not to cry; his legs kept making kicking movements he was unable to stop. At this point, Renee was worried about him becoming dehydrated. He had thrown up like seven times and had diarrhea twice. Not to mention the body fluids lost by the sweating. But she gave him as much water as possible. It was really breaking her heart watching him like that.

He was screaming and cursing, sometimes in Spanish. He cursed himself the most. He couldn't even think clearly. His mind was a blur of unconnected images that only had Mexico in common. He was recalling everything he had done over there. It was the place where he had worked undercover, where he had sold his soul. Nina suddenly popped into his head. He recalled kissing her for seven endless minutes to get her cooperation and maintain his cover.

Abruptly, Jack took the empty bucket that was next to him and vomited in there all he had inside.

**9 PM**

Luckily the symptoms were slowly starting to subside. Jack wasn't himself yet. But he felt well enough to take a much needed shower. He allowed the hot water ran through his neck and back to relieve the tension from his muscles. He could only hope that getting the poison out of his body would help him get rid of all the poison he still had within his soul.

When he went back to his bedroom, he lied on his bed and watched Renee sleeping, hugging her pillow, with her mouth half open. She had dropped into a slumber out of exhaustion around two hours earlier. As he stared at her, Jack couldn't believe she didn't know how beautiful she was. But she seemed too unaware of her virtues. Then Renee opened her gorgeous blue eyes and smiled at him. She then turned around, to be on her back and let Jack rest his head on her chest.

Renee could tell Jack was still suffering minor temblors and pain, but she was so proud that he had made it through the storm. He was about to reach the shore. She was so proud of him. "I'm so glad to see you are better now. Jack, I know how terrible it was for you. But you made it."

He took her hand, squeezed it and intercrossed his fingers with hers. "Thanks to you. I can't thank you enough for being here during this"

"Forget about it. Yes, I hated to see you suffer like that… but…"

Before she could go on, Jack shook his head and stated sadly but firmly "I deserved to suffer"

Renee straightened up to a sitting position, moved away a little and looking into his eyes she spoke firmly and clearly. "Jack, no. You don't deserve to suffer"

"Look, I became a junkie. If I had a hard time for it… well, that's only fair" He didn't want Renee to feel bad. He was willing to take the punishment he had to take for his sins, if it was just him the one suffering. He just couldn't stand when those he loved got hurt, or worst, because of him.

"You are not a junkie. You had a problem with drugs. But that wasn't even your fault. You became addicted in the first place only for doing your job, you were just maintaining a cover"

Jack nodded sighing deeply. "Yeah, I was maintaining a cover. You know, Renee? That's what I've been telling myself over and over again since I came back from Mexico, just to be able to live with the things I did there. I truly sold my soul to the Salazars. You don't know everything I had to do for the sake of my cover"

Jack had said '_for the sake of my cover_' as if protecting his cover were the most stupid and selfish thing in the universe. She would have none of that. "Listen to me very carefully, Jack… that wasn't you, okay? It wasn't you who did those things over there"

"Please, Renee" He shook his head sadly.

It was obvious that he thought she was just making up crap to make him feel better. But Renee had never been more serious in her entire life. Her eyes were clouded with tears, but she blinked them away and stated somberly "Look, when you are working undercover, you have to protect that cover, the entire mission is at stake, and your own survival depends on it. You have to be able to sell it. So you have to forget who you really are. You have to. In order to act like the person you claim to be. Before you know it that person takes over your entire soul and makes you do things you would never ever do… things you never thought you were capable off"

Jack felt absolutely speechless. His heart was aching for the pain he could see in her eyes. And he was also shocked by the revelation that Renee had worked undercover as well. He finally muttered "But when did you..?"

As Renee always did when he was going somewhere she didn't want him to go to, she placed a finger on his mouth and begged him with her eyes to stop. "It's in the past. It was somebody else. That's my point"

"Okay" Jack nodded, not exactly because he believed everything she was saying, but because he knew she truly needed him to drop the topic for the moment. They cuddled together in bed silently and he held her tight.

**YEAR 2018– May 11****th****, Friday**

**Manhattan – Upper West Side - Restaurant "Twenty One Club"**

Jack had surprised Renee with dinner reservations for one of the best and most exclusives restaurants in Manhattan. The place was breathtaking and the food was delicious. The whole experience had been wonderful, and Jack believed that so was Renee. Now they were waiting for the waitress to bring their deserts. So Jack took the opportunity to give Renee the little bag from Tiffany's he had been hiding as a surprise for her. She took the present feeling absolutely stunned. When she opened it, she saw it was a beautiful silver necklace with a heart. But what was more surprising was that on the back it said _"Renee Abigail Walker"_

"Jack…" Renee muttered overwhelmed with millionths of emotions. Once again Jack had left her absolutely astonished. It was so sweet from him.

Jack explained in a soft whisper "So you never forget who you really are in your heart"

Renee nodded indicating that she had gotten, and then she couldn't help herself and stood up to kiss him on the lips. "Thank you so much… this is so beautiful. Thank you."

"You are welcome, honey. Now… there is something we should talk about" He suddenly looked very nervous.

Clearly, there was something difficult he was trying to say. She went back to her seat feeling nervous herself. In the history of dating, nothing good had ever come after 'we have to talk'. But she tried not to worry before finding out all the facts. "It's okay… tell me…"

"You know how the girls are moving back to L.A. soon? Well, Kim wants me to move back with them"

Renee stared at him in confusion. What did that meant? Was this a break-up dinner? Was the necklace something to remember him by? Or what? She should have known sooner that Jack would go with his family. It was, after all, the natural thing. She was an idiot not to realize that before. And how come that had never come up in a conversation? Feeling absolutely dazed, she dumbly mumbled "oh, I see…"

"But I haven't given her an answer yet" Jack clarified.

"You didn't?" Renee found that estrange.

"No, first, I wasn't sure if I wanted to go back to that place, you know? So many horrible things happened there. And I really don't have to move. I will stay close to my family no matter where I live. I can visit them. They can visit me. And I can talk to them every day. So… if I stayed here, I wouldn't lose them."

"That's true. But I don't get it then… what are you gonna do?"

Now came the part of the conversation Jack had been truly dreading. "Renee, the thing is… I need to know, if I left, would you come with me?"

"What? You really want me to go to California with you?" Renee asked truly perplexed.

"Yes, I really do" He admitted. Now felling suddenly less afraid of acknowledging out loud how he felt.

"And if I said no…"

"I wouldn't go" He said without missing a beat. Then he added "As I said, I don't have to move… I'd only want to if you came along with me"

Renee was incredibly overwhelmed. He couldn't be serious, couldn't he? Now, Jack Bauer wasn't known for joking around. So, was he really making a life changing decision because of her? He never did things half-way, didn't he? But she felt so undeserving of that, "Look, Jack… I can't… I can't let you make this decision because of me."

"Renee, I already decided on my own what I needed to decide. I don't care where we live. I just don't. I choose you. I choose us. I like what we have so much" he then took her hand and lowered his voice until it was almost a whisper "I know it's scary sometimes. And I know we both have issues to solve. But our relationship is too damn good, so I'm all in it. I'm all in"

Renee then took a look at the silver heart he had given her. It suddenly gave her confidence in herself and in them. She was sure they could make it. "Okay, I want to do it. I want to go to L.A. with you"

"Really? And you are sure that's what you want?"

She smiled with confidence. "Positive. You jump, I jump, Jack"

And just like that, Renee was suddenly all in. Because despite her fears, their relationship was too damn good.

**TO BE CONTINUED… **

**(Please, tell me what you think!)**


	15. Didn't we almost have it all?

**AUTHORS NOTE:** Thank you very much to all of you for reading this. This will be the final chapter of the first part of this series. I wanna thank again to Jack Napier for giving me the idea of making a series out of "Everything went downhill from there". Everybody is welcome to pitch in!

**SERIES: Everything went downhill from there**

**PART ONE: A total eclipse of the heart**

**Previously:** Jack thinks he's cursed. Kim is worried that her dad is repeating his usual dating patron. Renee keeps hiding the details of her fateful undercover mission from Jack. She says nothing about the baby she lost and her possible infertility. After he gets detox with her help, he asks her to move in to L.A. with him and she says yes. They both decide to fully commit to their relationship.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own 24. It belongs to fox, Joel Surnow, Robert Cochran and Howard Gordon.

**CHAPTER 15:**

**DIDN'T WE ALMOST HAVE IT ALL?**

**YEAR 1987**

**Manhattan – Central Park**

Jack and Teri Bauer decided to celebrate their first wedding anniversary with a trip to New York. Neither one of them had been there before, but Teri was definitely the most excited. She was fascinated with the city. On the day of their anniversary, they went to have a picnic at Central Park.

"So, do you want your present now?" she asked with her excited-little-girl face.

That was a face Jack couldn't resist. "How could I say no to that, sweetheart?"

Teri searched in her purse and looked for the gift. Then she handed it to Jack. She couldn't wait to see his reaction. He opened the box from Tiffany & Co. He was absolutely stunned. Inside the bag there was a baby rattle made in Sterling Silver. He stared at Teri in absolute shock and disbelief. "Oh, my God. Teri, does this mean…?"

"Yes, I'm pregnant, Jack" She confirmed feeling absolutely nervous but happy at the same time. It was something incredibly unexpected, since they weren't even trying to conceive a child. But she, for one, had never been happier. She was only worried about Jack's reaction. He kept staring at her, not being able to overcome his astonishment, for too long. "Jack?"

"Oh, my God!" He repeated, now feeling incredibly ecstatic. The more he thought about it, the more thrilled he was with the idea of having a baby. He rushed to kiss his wife very passionately. They both got so carried away by their love and happiness that they winded up making out in the grass. Then, he put a hand on her still flat belly, "Thank you so much for the best anniversary gift ever, Teri. I love you so much"

Then he raised his can of beer to make a toast "here's to our future and to you, my love"

Teri lifted her can of coke with a huge smile to reciprocate "and to you, my prince charming, I love you so much"

Jack kissed her feeling like the luckiest guy in the entire universe.

**August 26****th**** – YEAR 2001**

**Manhattan – West Village**

Renee stepped out the bathroom and walked into the living room. She saw James sitting on the couch, with his head down and his elbows resting on his knees. As soon as he heard her, he looked up expectantly, with his blue eyes shooting desperately question marks. So she reminded him. "We have to give it a few minutes"

He stretched one arm and took her hand inviting her to sit next to him "so, how are you feeling?"

"Terrified" she admitted without hesitating for a second.

"Me too" He acknowledged with a nod. Then she rested her head on his shoulder and he took her hand. James felt he had to confess something "although… it's a fear with a hell lot of excitement, right?"

She nodded and bit her lip nervously. She had felt a bit sick and she was a few days late on her period. So, just in case, she had taken a pregnancy test. Even though it wasn't very likely that she was pregnant, she still felt a bit worried and excited at the same time. "Yeah… it's scary in a good way… Like, when I had my first swimming competition… or when I first moved to Manhattan"

He looked at her curiously. "So, we didn't plan it this way, but if it happens, you're gonna to be happy, right?"

She tried to act calmer than she actually felt. She hesitated a little, and told him "We'll see"

James was pleasantly surprised to hear that. He smiled overjoyed. "You want this like I do. I knew it"

Renee raised her hands defensibly, "I didn't say that"

"You said 'we'll see'" James stated with a cocky smile. "I know you, Hun. That's a yes, but you won't admit it"

"Fine" She handed that to him a bit reluctantly. He knew her too well. "I want it…but it just was not supposed to happen this soon. I mean, I'm just twenty two…"

He held her closer to him and ran his fingers through her light Irish-red hair sympathetically. He had planned it differently too. "I know, and I had to propose first… we had to be engaged for a year, get married… move to a bigger place, with a view to the park, of course… be married for about two years… then it would happen"

She knew James wasn't kidding. She knew he had actually been making those plans in his head. And, as surprising as it was, so had she. "You know? I wanted it to happen that way too…"

"Wait… wait right there for a sec, love"

She watched puzzled how he leaped from the couch, practically ran to his bedroom and then came back fast, "What's going on, Jimmy?"

"Well, I was planning it for Christmas, because my parents and your mom will be there… but…" He explained a bit awkwardly. He hoped doing it at that very moment was okay for her too. He just couldn't wait anymore. He took a deep breath, got down on one knee and took her hand. "Renee, I love you… I love you more than I've ever loved anybody. I never thought I could love anybody this much. And it doesn't matter when… I just know it has to be you… I want you to be my wife and the mother of my children…" Then he took a little box from his pocket and opened it to show her a beautiful engagement ring. "So, Renee Abigail Walker… will you marry me?"

She nodded with her eyes all wet with tears of joy. "Yes…" But before he could kiss her and put the ring, she interrupted "wait… I wanna say something too" She got down on her knees in front of him. "Jim, this two years I've spent with you have been so wonderful and exciting… Before I met you, I had no idea what love was… but since I met you and fell in love with you I'm everything I always wanted to be and even more. So, yes, I'll marry you… because I can only imagine my future with you in it"

James got all chocked up as well. After brushing the tears from his eyelashes, he carefully placed the engagement ring on the fourth finger of Renee's left hand. Then he put his hands on her back and pulled her closer for a very passionate kiss.

Suddenly, they both heard the sound of a timer going off. They stared at each other's eyes gravely for a moment. Then, they stood up and walked to the bathroom holding hands. Once inside, they checked out the stick over the sink. It had only one blue line. Rene explained shaking her head "That's a no"

Jimmy looked down, feeling disappointed. But they were starting heading to the future he had imagined ever since he had first met Renee. That was more than enough at the moment. He feigned a huge sigh of relief and joked "thank God, now I don't have to marry you" he extended his hand pretending to ask the ring back.

Knowing he was kidding, Renee faked outrage and playfully hit his hand away. He began chasing her. Eventually, caught up with her and kissed her passionately. When she pulled away for air she whispered "I really want you to be the father of my children".

"Deal" he whispered back immediately. Then he carried her to the bed and began kissing her as she giggled.

She made him stop to clarify something. "Wait… not right now. I was gonna add that it can wait until we're married. Right now all I truly need is you"

"And right now all I truly need and want is you, I love you so much" He replied honestly and continued kissing her and undressing her.

"But I love you more" She told him, as she removed the jacket of his navy-blue business suit and undid his tie.

"That's not possible", he rushed to clarify. And then they continued kissing and exploring each other.

**YEAR 2018 – MAY 14****th**

**6 AM**** - Chelsea, New York City – Jack's apartment **

Jack woke up startled. His heart was beating hard and fast. He suddenly got the terrible feeling that something was wrong. But he couldn't exactly tell what.

Trying not to wake her up, he took Renee in his arms. Still sleeping, she put one arm around his chest and one leg on top of one of his. He loved it when she did that. Sleeping in each other's arms felt like the most natural thing in the entire universe. He ran his fingers through her dark auburn hair. Then, for the very first time in ages, he dared to make plans for the future. He could see both of them in California, walking down the beach holding hands. He could see them sharing breakfast. He could see them celebrating Christmas with Kim, Steve and Little Teri. He was picturing a life in which nothing was missing.

Suddenly, he forced himself to stop. It was dangerous to get his hopes up like that. He was starting to feel that he was about to have it all, that he was about to get everything he needed to be happy.

Then he realized exactly what was wrong. Things were too good to be true. And he just couldn't help dreading that something horrible would happen again soon, because of him.

**9**** AM**

Renee woke up feeling extremely sick for the third morning in a row. She didn't understand how on earth she had gotten food poisoned. Jack only took her to the best places in the city. With his family, they had celebrated the end of his treatment at the Rainbow Room. Simply the best of the best. Maybe those hotdogs she liked to eat in the park were a terrible idea. Or perhaps she was too stressed out because in a week they would move to California, a place she hardly knew. But for whatever reason she was feeling like hell. She suddenly rushed to the bathroom, knelt in front of the toilet and threw up everything she had eaten the night before. After she was done, still feeling a little dizzy, she washed her face and teeth.

She looked at her watch, it was 9 AM. She never woke up that late unless she was truly ill or depressed. She then went to the kitchen wondering where Jack was and saw a note he'd left which said he had gone to work out.

Without even thinking about it, Renee took a box of Goldfish crackers and began eating them in an impulse. Those were supposed to be for little Teri, but she could easily buy more for the child later. That was another weird thing. She felt sick, but hungry at the very same time. And she normally didn't even like cheese crackers, but during the past few days she just couldn't get enough of them.

At that moment, Jack got back to the apartment and Renee smiled at the look of him. "Morning"

"Morning, sweetheart" Jack said as he kissed Renee softly on the lips.

Renee pulled him closer for a much more passionate kiss. He was all sweaty, which she found extremely sexy. There was something about his strong masculine scent that she found simply irresistible.

Without saying another word they both knew what they wanted to do. They began making their way to the bathroom, as Renee took off Jack's t-shirt. She looked closely the tattoo he had on his upper right arm for the millionth time. She found them absolutely fascinating. She had always been into blonde guys who were older than she was. But she had never been into rough, bad-ass looking guys. That was the most charming thing about Jack though. He looked so dangerous, but he could be amazingly sweet, gentle and caring.

They stepped into the bathtub and made love right there, while the hot water from the shower washed them.

Later, as Jack made coffee, Renee took the newspaper and flipped through the pages. There was nothing important to read about except the upcoming peace summit, which would take place in exactly a week, on May 20th. That was the same day they were planning to move to L.A. "so, Jack, have you told Kim the good news then?"

"Yeah, she's so happy we are going" Jack replied, while drinking some coffee.

Renee gave him a skeptical look. She knew better than to fall for that. "You mean that she's happy you are going, but she'll tolerate my presence to please you"

Jack couldn't exactly deny that. Kim was still weird around Renee. But he hoped overtime the two of them would come to get along. So he shrugged trying to minimize the situation. "She just thinks we're moving too fast"

"Can you blame her? We have only been together for six weeks"

"Seven. By the time we get to L.A. it'll be our two month anniversary" Jack corrected her gently.

"No, I remember about six weeks ago we had sex for the first time" She said grinning as she recalled how bold and forward she had been that day. She remembered the exact date, March 26th because it had been exactly a year after they had first met.

"Yes, Sweetie. But a week before that, I lost little Teri in the park, and you found her" Jack got closer to her and put his arms around her waist. "That was the day you came back into my life"

Renee kissed him softly as she mused about how much her life had changed on a dime. "You know? It was my second day back in the city when I ran into you"

It suddenly hit her that she had been in New York for almost two months now. But during those seven weeks there had been something missing: her period. She was pretty sure the last time she had it she was still living in Arlington, Virginia. That was so weird. She never missed her periods. Ever since she was fourteen her period arrived each month punctually. She had been a few days late before, but never missed it for a whole month. The only time that had happened was because Vladimir had gotten her… _oh, crap._

Suddenly, the entire room was spinning. The smell of the coffee was simply disgusting. All color was drained from her face. She had to take a seat. She had to be thinking crazy things. She was just nervous and incredibly stressed out. That had to be it.

"Honey, are you okay?" Jack asked genuinely worried.

"Yeah, I'm fine" But as soon as she said that, she felt a strong wave of nausea. She had to rush to the toilet to throw up again.

Jack followed her instinctively and held her hair back. He was extremely concerned. When she finished throwing he folded his arms across his chest and pointed out the obvious. "Renee, you are not fine"

"It's no big deal. I must have stomach flu" Renee said casually and then washed her face and mouth.

Jack instinctively put one arm around her as they walked back to the kitchenette. "It's been a week now. Seriously, you should go to see a doctor"

Renee could see how worried he was about her. Jack was right. She had to go see a doctor to find out what she actually had. She nodded in agreement. "Okay, I'll go this afternoon"

"I'll take you" Jack offered in a heartbeat.

"You don't have to take me, Jack. I'm a big girl." She protested as she headed to the cabinet to get more Goldfishes, she was craving badly for them again.

"I know that. But still, I want to take you"

"But Kim is bringing Teri soon. And you promised to spend the day with them."

"But you are sick" Jack objected firmly. Did she think he would leave her alone in that situation?

"I'm gonna be fine. I don't want you to cancel a plan with Kim because of me. Please" She gave him a begging look. It would so not make Kim like her better monopolizing Jack's time.

"Fine" He groaned in his usual resigned fashion. Of course, he wouldn't let her off the hook just like that. "But you call me as soon as you know something. Okay?"

**2.30 - PM BETH ISRAEL MEDICAL CENTER – (East 17****th**** Street and 1rs Avenue) **

Renee was now at the doctor's office. The doctor was a General Physician called Miranda Robbins. As soon as Renee explained how she felt, came the inevitable question. "And when was your last period?"

"About two months ago, a bit more… maybe" Renee admitted a bit reluctantly.

"I know this is uncomfortable, but I have to ask, are you currently having sex without protection?"

"Well, yes" Honestly, Renee didn't even think about protection, since she couldn't get pregnant. And Jack was the kind of man she could literally trust with her life.

"So, have you taken a pregnancy test?" The doctor asked what she would ask any other patient in equal circumstances.

It was really awkward having to explain everything to a doctor she didn't know. But she wanted to know what was really going on, so she had to admit the truth, "No, because I can't be pregnant. It's something else".

Dr. Robbins checked the forms Renee had formerly filled. "I'm sorry, but may I ask how you know that?"

"I don't like to talk about it"

"Ms. Walker, I have to diagnose you correctly. So, unless you give me a good reason, I can't rule out any theory. You can trust me. Everything you tell me is confidential".

"The thing is, six years ago I was diagnosed with Pelvic inflammatory disease. It was due to an STD. I got Chlamydia when I was…" she couldn't even think of the 'R' word without images of that horrible night flashing fast through her head. After they passed, she was trembling and her eyes were tearing up. She couldn't say it.

"It's okay" The doctor understood her perfectly and allowed the patient to take her time to compose herself.

Renee then shook her head and muttered, "But I also had a miscarriage; I could have gotten an infection then".

"And do you know the full extent of the damage?"

As she remembered, she felt the familiar sharp pain in her stomach, the one she had felt the night of her miscarriage. But she tried to state the facts calmly. "Apparently the infection affected both of my fallopian tubes and one ovary"

"Were you treated with antibiotics?"

"Yes, but they said curing the infection wouldn't reverse the damage already done"

"Sadly, that is correct. But even if highly unlikely, a pregnancy could be possible. Now, please, can you lie on the exam table then?"

Renee did as she was told feeling in a daze. Dr. Robbins started with the auscultation of her heart, her respiratory system and then the abdomen to hear any abnormality in the patient's gastrointestinal system. Then the doctor carefully palpated Renee's abdomen. After the examination, the doctor said "Ms. Walker, I'm gonna need to order some blood tests"

**3.30 PM**

Renee was pacing nervously around a waiting room, where she was told to wait for her test's results. Then her cell phone began ringing. It was Jack. She took the call trying to sound natural. "Hey"

"Hey, honey, it's me. So, are you still in the hospital?"

"Yeah, I had to stay for a blood test"

"Why? What do they think you have?" His voice sounded like he was panicking, fearing something horrible.

"Jack, don't worry. They are just being careful. So, is Teri having fun?"

"Yeah. We are at a build-a-bear store right now"

Renee smiled when she thought of that funny little girl and sweet grandpa Jack. "Great. And remember to take her to the M&M factory later"

"Okay. And you remember to take care of yourself."

Renee then heard the doctor calling for her and her heart began racing. "Yeah, I will. Look, Jack, I have to go"

"Okay, get back at me as soon as you can"

"Fine, bye"

Once inside the office, Renee took a seat in front of the doctor and heard some extremely shocking words. "Ms. Walker, your pregnancy test came back positive"

Renee just mumbled skeptically "Excuse me?"

"You are pregnant. Around six weeks pregnant, actually" After several minutes of Renee just staring at her in complete disbelief, the doctor added "Now, given your history you should have an ultrasound as soon as possible. So, Dr. Green will see you when she's available"

**4 P****M**

Renee was waiting for Dr. Delia Green, obstetrician. She still hadn't overcome her immense astonishment. She was pregnant. She was expecting Jack's child. She had only dated Jack for two months and now she was pregnant. She was supposed to be terrified. But she wasn't. Even if she couldn't say it out loud, she was already madly in love with him, and having a child that was his felt amazingly right in her heart.

Suddenly, she did something she had stopped doing when James died. She began picturing her dream house, with a bedroom that had a little pink basinet in it. Or will it be blue? She then fantasized about making breakfast for Jack and their child. She could also see the three of them walking down the beach. Renee could picture a life where nothing was missing. Was she crazy for wanting all that after only two months of being with him?

Dr. Green walked into the room, interrupting Renee's day dreaming. "Hi, I'm Doctor Green"

"Hi, I'm Renee Walker" They shook hands politely.

"Dr. Robbins told me about your medical history. I agree with her that it's a good idea to check as soon as possible that everything is as it should be. Just as a precaution"

"Sure, that's fine by me"

"Now, if you want the father to be here, I can see both of you at the end of the day"

"Oh, no... Thank you. But I prefer making sure right now that everything is fine" She was just too anxious.

"Okay" Dr. Green nodded understandably. Then she proceeded with the ultrasound. Soon, an image of the patient's womb was on the screen. "See? There is the womb, and there is the sac"

The doctor pointed at the gestational sac that appeared on the monitor. Renee watched, excitedly waiting to see the tiny baby. Dr. Green scanned every inch of the womb one more time after moving the monitor in her own direction, to get a better view. After that, she scanned Renee's womb again, this time looking much closely to the screen. The doctor searched with a concerned look a few more times. Then she turned off the monitor. Renee knew that couldn't be anything good and felt a sudden chill through her core. "What's going on?"

The doctor handed her a towel so Renee could wipe the jelly of her stomach. Then she had to break the bad news. "I'm sorry, Renee. I saw a sac. But I didn't find an embryo, and I didn't hear a heartbeat".

Renee felt like all her air had been abruptly sucked out her. "I don't understand"

"This is a non viable pregnancy. It happens when a fertilized egg attaches itself to the uterine wall, but the embryo does not develop. But you did nothing wrong. Nothing would have prevented this."

"What do I do now?" she asked almost robotically.

"Well, if you wish, you can wait and your body will miscarry naturally. But we can do a D&C, dilation and curettage. It's a procedure that will allow us to… complete the process faster".

"You mean to empty my uterus?" Renee said coldly. Not in the mood for euphemisms and sugar-coating.

"Yeah… that is what will happen… either way"

With a voice that sounded absolutely soulless, Renee said quickly "I just want to get it over with quickly then. The D&C, when can I have it?"

"Let me find out for you" The doctor made a phone call and afterwards she told her patient. "It seems that we can schedule it for tomorrow morning"

**6 PM**

Renee had no idea how long she had been walking around the city aimlessly. Her face was blank. She hadn't even cried. She just felt sick and tired. She was sick of her existence. She kept recovering from one punch, only to receive another one right afterwards. It was like reaching the top of the mountain but then realizing that you are, indeed, nowhere near the top. It was so incredibly exhausting.

'_You're a monster!'_

That was the reason why she was meant to suffer. She was being punished for all her sins. She was being punished for not caring at all when she had lost that other baby… Vladimir's baby.

Was she even entitled to suffer over the lost of Jack's baby? Didn't the immense pain she was feeling at the moment make her a hypocrite?

She somehow got to the park and sat on the ground, with her back against a tree. Then she opened her backpack and took a look inside it. She had her semi automatic Glock 19 there. It looked tempting. It was inviting her to take the easy way out. She would die in seconds. She would feel no more pain. She looked around to make sure nobody was watching. With determination, she took the gun, cocked it and put it on her mouth. The only thing she had to do now was pull the trigger and everything would be over.

Renee was suddenly startled by the sound of her cell phone ringing. For inexplicable reasons, she lowered the gun and took the call. She immediately heard Jack's panicked voice on the other side of the line. "Renee? What happened? Are you all right?"

"Jack… I'm fine" She lied as a tear was rolling down her cheek. But her voice didn't break.

"Why didn't you call me when you got the results?" He sounded truly upset.

"Because I'll be fine. Okay? I'm going to the apartment now" She could hear him sighing in relief.

Renee ended the phone call and stared at the semi automatic Glock 19 she still had on her hands. She could hardly remember how that had gotten to her hands. Suddenly she was terrified of herself. What had she almost done? She was losing her mind again.

But now she really couldn't afford to go crazy. She had to think about Jack. What would happen to him if she killed herself? She knew him well enough to know he would blame himself. He would feel overwhelmed by guilt. She couldn't do that to him.

She would have to start over yet again. She would have to be strong and heal, if only for him.

**6.30 PM**** - Chelsea, New York City – Jack's apartment **

As soon as she walked into the apartment, she knew she had made the right call. Jack looked at her with immense relief. She left her backpack on the couch and said nonchalantly "Hey"

Jack took her in his arms, clearly happy to see her. "Hey. Look, I'm sorry"

Renee stared at him in confusion and disbelief. "What? You are sorry? For what?"

"For getting so controlling. I don't want to be the kind of guy who needs to know where you are at every second"

Renee couldn't believe he felt bad for calling her, worried about her. She deserved to be yelled at. She deserved to get slapped. She was a nut case and a selfish bitch. "Jack, it's fine, really"

"You have no idea what thoughts crossed my mind" Jack had felt truly scared for a moment. Renee told him over the phone she was waiting for some blood test results but then two hours passed without him hearing anything else from her. He now knew he had probably overreacted. But horrible things constantly happened around him. So he had freaked out fearing the worst possible scenarios. "But you'll be all right. What did they say?"

That was her cue. That was the moment in which she could confess the entire truth. She could break down in desperate tears, tell him everything and let him hold her. She could admit the pain was killing her inside. But she couldn't bring herself to actually do that. She couldn't say the words out loud. And it was better for Jack if he remained in blissful ignorance. She chose to tell him a lie that would make him happy, instead of a devastating truth. "Yeah, I'll be fine. It's stomach flu. I just need to rest"

When she was lying in bed, staring blankly at the space, Jack brought her some cheese crackers and a ginger ale. He remembered his wife gave that to Kim that whenever their daughter was sick of the stomach. So he figured it would help Renee as well.

Renee took it as she forced herself to at least smile a little in gratitude. It was so strange how she was suddenly on an undercover mission once again. And for Jack's sake she had to be able to sell her cover. She was posing as Renee Abigail Walker: a very strong woman, who had left all the deep darkness behind and now simply had stomach flu. That was the person he needed her to be.

**9 PM**

She felt nauseas again. She rushed into the bathroom, locked the door behind her and knelt in front of the toilet to throw up. She was technically still pregnant. But the next day the remains of her failed pregnancy would be gone. Her womb would be officially empty. When she had nothing more to vomit, the waterfall of tears came.

After several minutes of crying silently, she somehow managed to stand up and wash her teeth and face. She splashed as much cold water as she could on her face. Then she stared at her own reflection in the mirror. She was pathetic. As Kimberly had rightly said, Jack deserved, for once in his life, to be with a woman who was hassle-free. She was nothing but a mess, a complication in his life.

Her dad would tell her to be brave and fight the enemy with the best weapons at her disposal. What would those weapons be in this case? Therapy? Medicines? Jack's love? Perhaps all the above.

On the other hand, what would her mom say? Abigail O'Carroll would most certainly tell her child that nothing happened without a good reason, that it was all part of God's master plan.

Renee felt suddenly like a monster being rightly punished by God.

But what would Jack say if she told him the truth? He would probably feel devastated too. Or maybe not. Maybe, deep down, he would feel relieved. But either way, he would surely give her his unconditional support. He would try to be a hero. He would try to rescue her. He would feel a need to fix her that would overpower him. That was who he was.

She truly loved him very much. She would have never believed she could love somebody so deeply after less than two months of being involved with him. But that was what had happened. Nevertheless, she loved him in a selfless way. It was the kind of love that made you put your beloved's happiness before everything else. The kind of love that was now making her see that, as painful as it was, she had to let him go. Leaving him was the best way, the only way, she had to protect him.

Jack cared about her. But what if he stopped caring? If he didn't give a damn about her, it would be easier for him to move on. He would move to L.A. to have a normal life, a happy life. Maybe he would find a better woman, the kind of woman he deserved. The mere thought of it made her sick of the stomach. But she wanted him to be happy, even when that meant she couldn't be with him.

**1 AM **

Once she made sure Jack was sound sleep, Renee put on a pair of black jeans, her black top, her black sneakers and a green-brownish jacket. She tied her hair up together in one messy coil, leaving just a few dark auburn locks loose. Then she put on some make up, including a heavy leather of black eyeliner. Then she made sure her backpack had everything she truly needed: her Glock 19, her cell phone, her make-up case, some extra underwear, her copy of The Art of War, Jimmy's rosary and her wallet. She also double checked the content of her brown envelope, the escape-kit. It had all the new documents she needed.

Renee had purchased a lot of new clothes during the past few weeks, to look her best when Jack took her out on a date. And she had also bought that pink t-shirt that said 'the best man for the job is a woman', which Jack had once said suited her perfectly. She would have to leave all that behind. But after a short moment of hesitation, she decided to keep only the t-shirt.

She knew how cruel it was to leave him while he was sleeping. But it was necessary. If he tried to stop her, she would cave in. His velvety voice would beat her better judgment. His gorgeous eyes would make her stay. She would melt in his embrace and his kiss. She would break completely, telling him everything. She would be unable to do the right thing, to do what was best for him.

Once she was ready, she slowly walked into the bedroom to look at Jack one last time. He was totally lost in some peaceful dream. She loved to watch him sleep. She tried to memorize every inch of his face and print the image forever on her brain.

It was killing her. Not being the kind of woman he needed was killing her.

Trying not to wake him, she gave him one last soft kiss on his forehead and left the room.

Finally, she went to the kitchen, took a post-it and wrote on it the most honest explanation she could give him. She left it on the dining table; along with **the silver necklace he had given her, the one with the silver heart. It felt as if she were leaving her actual heart behind. As she left the apartment, she couldn't prevent the tears that rolled down her cheeks. **

**May 15****th**** 6 AM **

Jack woke up feeling cold for some reason. Instantly, he realized that Renee wasn't sleeping glued to him, with one arm around his torso, and one of her legs on top of one of his. He missed that. Still half sleep, he stretched his arm to see if she was sleeping on her side of the bed. She wasn't on the bed at all. He was now fully awake. He checked the bathroom. Nobody was there. Then he checked the kitchen, thinking she was probably there. She wasn't. He got alarmed when he noticed her escape-backpack was also missing.

He tried not to be over dramatic but failed miserably. He saw the post-it over the table, with the necklace next to it. He was almost too scared to pick it up. It wasn't rational thinking, but for one terrifying second, in his imagination the note said something like 'I have her. Cheng Zhi'

When Jack finally read the note, his face turned somber. He realized **she had purposely left the necklace with the heart that said****_ "Renee Abigail Walker"_**** on the back, in order to make her message even clearer. **

**She was simply done with him. She was dumping him using a stupid post-it. How could she be so immature? And how could she betray him like that? In a sudden wave of anger and impotence, he took the necklace and threw it across the room. Then he ripped the post-it apart. He just couldn't believe her last words to him were: **

'_I just can't be her. I'm sorry.'_

**THE END OF PART ONE**

**To be continued in part two of the series… "In a New York Minute"**


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